Dear Hubby,
Five years ago today I stood in my Dad’s church (in a hideous dress that I bought at the last minute) with you, surrounded by your parents, my family, and a very few dear friends, to say “I Do”. Some days it seems like only yesterday. Some days it seems like it was decades ago. When I think of all we have been through in the last five years I am amazed that we are still going strong.
I’ll never forget that boy with the Southern accent that I “bumped” into on the dance floor. The look on your face–half laughing because you could see how embarrassed I was–as you said, “I’ll dance with you, girl,” has been forever burned into my memory. That dance, and the ones that followed that night, changed my life and my heart forever. I told Amy as much on the way home that night and am still happy to be able to say I was right.
From the very beginning, everything about you felt so natural. I was with you every chance I could get from our first date on. I somehow felt incomplete without you by my side and I had the gas bill to prove it! I drove from OP to Independence almost every night to get just a few hours with you. Then it was off to St. Louis on the weekends when you got transferred there. If I wasn’t at work (or running home for a quick shower) I was with you. I have to admit I was a little happy when you got laid off and moved up here for good.
These days I still need you by my side every day. We may not spend every minute together anymore, but I can still count on two hands the nights that we have been apart since our wedding day. I may not express it often, but there is nothing more comforting than having you laying in bed next to me every night.
We have had so many joys and so many hardships over the years. Sometimes I feel like we have had more than our share of the hard times. There have been many times when I wondered if we would make it, but we always manage to pull through. Having a child together was probably one of the most difficult things our relationship has been through, but it is also the best. I know we still aren’t back to where we were before, but I think we’re going to get there. Looking at that little face, a combination of you and me, makes everything worth it and I can’t wait to add another little mini-us to our family.
I have no doubt that God put you in my path for a reason. I may complain and get frustrated at you for insignificant things, but no matter what I say or do, you always show me love and I regret that sometimes I do not do the same for you. Last year around this time I felt like things were slipping away out of my grasp, but now I feel like I have a much firmer grip. I hate that I questioned you, that I questioned us, but it only served to make me stronger. I am amazed that you stuck by my side.
I hope that you aren’t offended by me sharing these thoughts here, but as you know, it is easier for me to write than to talk when it comes to my emotions. You came into my life at a time when I had almost given up on love and together we learned that there was so much more to life and love than either one of us ever could have imagined. I hope in future years our love continues to grow and that someday we will be celebrating fifty years instead of five.
Thank you for loving me the way that you do and for letting me be me. When I married you I got so much more than I bargained for, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Love always,
Dee
Do you ever have one of those moments where a feeling just hits you so strongly it is almost overwhelming? I had several of those this weekend. They may seem insignificant to others, or even go by completely unnoticed, but to me they hold so much meaning.
Saturday morning Zach and I got up and headed up North to our church. The church preschool was having their end of the year picnic and invited all of the kids from the church to attend. My sister and her kids came as well. There was a band, led by another local minister, that performed for the kids, lots of picnic food, and then playing on the playground. At one point, while our kids were all playing together in the sandbox I looked up and just felt such a rush of love for them all. I love that they all love each other so much.
Later that night, we went to a party hosted by one of my sister’s good friends (I suppose I could claim her as my own friend too, but I never would have met her had it not been for my sister). 
As I sat there chatting with some of the girls I realized just how much things have changed between me and hubby over the last few years. It used to be that at social functions we were practically attached at the hip. We rarely left each others’ side. Saturday night I barely saw him at all. As I was sitting there talking to my friends, I couldn’t help but miss him a little bit. It was both a good and bad moment for me. It was good because it showed me just how much I have come out of my shell in the last few years. I didn’t need him there to protect and take care of me. I conversed and enjoyed myself without feeling completely awkward in a social setting. I may have finally learned to be a little independent. Yet, in the same moment, I saw just how disconnected we have become from each other. It made me miss those days when we couldn’t leave each others’ side for a moment. I kind of wish we could find our way back there.
Sunday Zach woke up with a stuffy/runny nose and a cough. By lunch time I could tell he was miserable. He didn’t improve as the day wore on and I ended up having to stay home with him on Monday. Since all he wanted to do was lounge around, I unfolded the futon in the living room and we snuggled up to watch Curious George together. I wrapped my arms around him and he held my hand. It was one of those moments that I wish could have lasted forever. I felt such an intense love for him in that moment. I am still so amazed at times that I can love a person as much as I love him.
As sappy as it seems to me right now, I am desperately trying to get into the Valentine’s Day mood and so far I have not been successful. For the last two days I have been listening to Heather’s Valentine’s Day Playlist thinking that maybe some tunes would perk me up but no. Still feeling nothing.
I’ve honestly never really been a big fan of the big "day of love". I’m pretty sure it all stems from my first Valentine’s Day as part of an actual couple. When I found out that my sister had to tell my boyfriend to buy me a rose (that was actually being sold at school so it wasn’t like he had to go out of his way or anything) I was pretty much crushed. I couldn’t believe that the love of my life wasn’t romantic enough to think of something that simple.
I have a history of dating or being involved with non-romantic guys. I’m starting to wonder if it is something I do to them or if they were just that way from the beginning. I’ve had three relationships that I considered to be serious-one boyfriend and two marriages-and out of the three not a single one had an ounce of romance in them. Actually that’s not really true. The two that I’m no longer with have gone on to be perfectly romantic husbands to their wives. Maybe it is me after all.
My sister, on the other hand, has an overly romantic husband who constantly dotes on her and buys her roses "just because". I’m not looking for that, but sometimes it would be nice to be surprised or to receive a gift that I didn’t tell someone to buy. (And this is where I totally contradict myself because I told Hubby to absolutely not buy me anything this year for V-day.)
It is no secret really that things haven’t been so hot between the Hubby and I in quite a while. We’re not by any means headed for the divorce lawyers, but I would say there is definitely room for much improvement and I think he would agree. While I understand that life isn’t always going to be peachy, I still find myself dreaming of the days when we had no responsibilities and nothing better to do than lay around in bed all day just being together.
It isn’t so much that time in my life that I want back, but the feelings that I felt then. I want to love without restraint. I want that floaty feeling back that I had when we wanted to spend every single second of every single day together. I want to feel the electricity when we touch. I want to look into his eyes and feel all tingly inside.
I want all of that back but instead we are drowning in a sea of responsibilities, debt, a screaming kid, and lack of time for each other. I wish for just one day that I could throw all of that away and go back to a time when life was more simple.
I guess that’s why I can’t seem to get the lyrics from Cake’s "Love You Madly" out of my head today. I’ve always liked the song but it really seems to be summing up the way I’ve been feeling lately, or at least the way I want to feel. If this works the way it is supposed to, you should be able to click the play button below to listen to the song or you can check out the lyrics below the fold.
**So the player doesn’t seem to be working and I’m not sure what I need to do to make it work so just go read the lyrics. I apologize for publishing a million times for those of you using a feed reader. But now I’m publishing again because I think I finally got it working. Enjoy!**
Comments closedMe. Tired.
So I got a little taste of the whole single parenting gig this weekend. It wasn’t all bad really, but it will be nice to have Hubby back home tonight.
Friday night started off wonderfully with the highway being shut down between work and my house. Zach’s day care also happens to be on the other side so I called to let them know I was on my way but would most likely be a little late. Fortunately his day care provider didn’t charge me overtime because it took me an hour and a half to get there (normally a 15-minute drive). Every single side road that goes in that general direction was extremely backed up. It’s a good thing I’m not a violent person because the rage was definitely building up. When I finally got to day care to pick Zach up, she was feeding him dinner which was so nice. They invited me to stay for dinner too so we ate and hung out for a bit before heading home.
Zach and I spent the rest of the evening just hanging out together. He was happy just sitting in my lap and cuddling which I really enjoyed. When it was time for bed he got a little angry. I’ve been having a really hard time getting him to bed lately. After letting him cry and kick and scream for a bit I gave in and put him in bed with me. We snuggled and slept soundly until 8:00 Saturday morning.
Saturday was a busy day. Zach was pretty much attached to me all morning and wouldn’t even let me get away long enough to take a shower. Fortunately my hair wasn’t too big of a mess so I just skipped the shower, got dressed, and then we headed out to run some errands. We made another trip to Old Navy, to Payless for Zach some shoes, and then lunch at McDonald’s. I took him home for a nap and while he was sleeping I rushed around the house doing laundry, taking a shower, washing some dishes, and packing bags to take to my mom’s. When he woke up I packed up the car, strapped Zach and both of the dogs in and headed over to my mom’s house.
My nephews were already at my mom’s when we arrived. Zach was so excited to have someone other than his boring old mommy to play with. The boys destroyed my mom’s house in less than ten minutes. My sister got there around 8:00 and we started up the first season of Grey’s Anatomy. I had never watched it before, but my sis loves it and wanted us to watch it. We stayed up until about 1:30 I think watching tv. I don’t sleep well when I’m not in my own bed so I tossed and turned most of the night. Zach was pretty restless too so when we heard my nephew running through the house squealing at 7:00 it was a pretty rude awakening. As soon as Zach heard him, there was no going back to sleep so we got up.
I had planned on leaving my mom’s early so that I could get some stuff done at home, but my sis convinced me to stay and finish watching Season 1. We finally ended up heading home around 1:00. I tried putting Zach down for a nap when we got home but he absolutely refused. After listening to him scream for half an hour, I decided to let him get up. I had to make yet another trip to Old Navy because they messed up my charges the day before (they forgot to take my 20% off and I was not happy!). We went to out to take care of that and to stop and pick up some kleenexes and milk for Zach. On the way we stopped at a little park to let Zach play for a bit. He had a blast and I got some really cute pictures of him which always makes me happy.
Sunday night was another battle of the wills when it came to bedtime and Zach was the winner (again). I finally got him to sleep by laying down with him in my bed. I wanted to just go to sleep with him then but I knew I needed to finish up some laundry and clean up the mess still in the kitchen from dinner. I was really tempted just to leave it but I hated to leave that mess out for Hubby to find when he gets home today.
Hubby asked me the other day if I was missing him yet. My reply was that I really hadn’t had time to miss him. Zach kept me very, very, busy. I did miss him a little, but what I missed the most was having a second pair of hands around the house. I missed having someone to pass Zach off to when I just really needed a minute to myself or needed to take a shower.
It makes me wonder how single parents do it because I am exhausted.
2 CommentsTonight after work I’ll go pick Zach up, rush home, pick Hubby up and drive up to my sister’s house. We’ll have dinner together and then Hubby and my Brother-in-law will leave for their trip to Pittsburgh. He’ll be gone for a total of four days which isn’t really that long, but also is longer than we’ve ever really been away from each other. Definitely longer than we’ve been away from each other since having Zach.
It is not so much that I mind him going. I know that he and BIL will have a great time together and will really enjoy seeing their two favorite teams hash it out on Sunday. Of course I’ll miss him, but that isn’t really it either. What I’m most worried about is that I will have to deal with Zach plus two hyper dogs and two cats for four days by myself. At first I was all “Woohoo! Time to myself!”. Then I realized there will be no time to myself.
I imagine that I will spend the majority of my time while he is gone playing with Zach and taking the dogs outside to pee. Perhaps we will go to the park or do some other kind of outdoor activity that Hubby never wants to do. I suppose we could rake up the millions of leaves that have suddenly scattered themselves across my yard in the last two days. Or perhaps we’ll just sit around in our pj’s watching episode after episode of The Upside Down Show.
There are so many things I would have done with this time back before I had a child. I could have possibly finished up my scanning project, created a few web site designs, maybe crocheted a blanket or a few hats, edited my digital photos, read a book, cleaned my house, or even just sat on the couch watching endless hours of TV until my brain was fried. Now there isn’t much time for those things. Now I am responsible for a life other than my own and I can no longer be selfish. Granted, he has to go to bed and take naps so there will be a little alone time, but I’m guessing I’ll be ready to sleep too.
It should be an interesting weekend.
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