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Month: February 2007

Rush, Rush

February seems to have flown by with lightning speed.  I can’t believe that it will already be March 1st tomorrow.  I was completely shocked this morning when my mom asked me if I had completed my end-of-the-month tasks at work because I didn’t realize that today was the end of the month.  It made for an extremely busy day today and absolutely no time at all for blogging.  I think I worked harder today than I have in a long time and in a way it kind of felt good.

Besides having a really busy day at work today, it seems like this whole week has been really busy.  I’ve been trying to brush up my html, css, and php skills and make WordPress my bitch this week.  As frustrating as it got to be at times, I really enjoyed getting back into the whole web design thing again.  Besides, it will help me out if I ever get around to converting this site over.  On top of that, I’ve been knitting like crazy, keeping up with my other blog, trying to make the money stretch enough to pay the bills, and dealing with a somewhat fussy toddler (who is now 20 months!).  Unfortunately, Hubby has been a little out of the loop this week.  Hopefully the two of us can catch up this weekend.

And now it is time to watch Lost so I’ll leave you with that for the night.  I just wanted to post a little something to prove that I’m still alive.

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The Day That Changed My World

One year ago today I arrived home to find my husband sitting on the steps outside our home.  I immediately knew something was wrong but I had no idea how hard reality was going to slap me in the face only a few seconds later.  In an instant, the silly songs I had been singing to Zach in the car disappeared.  I jumped out of the car, leaving Zach in his car seat while I asked Hubby what was wrong.  I could barely understand him when the stinging words came out of his mouth, “J___ killed himself”.  Never in my life had I felt so much shock and pain all in one moment.  I stood there in the driveway holding him, trying to be the strong one for this man who had always held me up.

Minutes passed and I realized that Zach was still in the car.  My head was flooded with thoughts about how quickly we could pack our things and drive to Louisiana to be with the family.  I was in a bit of a daze as I unhooked Zach and carried him inside.  As I looked at his face I ached at the thought of him never getting to really know his uncle.

Somehow, my body kicked it into high gear and I started packing.  I called my mom to let her know what happened and that I wouldn’t be at work.  I made arrangements for someone to care for our animals and was calculating how far we could drive before having to stop and sleep when my mom called back.  My boss offered to let us use the company plane to get down there the next morning so we didn’t have to make the drive.

I wasn’t prepared for this.  I coped by trying to be the strong one.  I needed to be there for my husband even though I was little comfort to him.  I didn’t really break down until the funeral.  I don’t know when I have ever sobbed so hard in my life.  I didn’t know that this man, who I had only known for a few short years would make such an impact on my life.  I wanted to be able to take all of his pain and suffering away.  I wanted him to come back-for his wife, his brothers, his parents, and his nephew.  I wanted to wake up and discover that it was only a dream.

Even though many people offered to keep Zach for us I took him along because I knew that I wouldn’t get through this experience without him.  He comforted so many people that week.  Through my tears I thanked God every day that I had him and that his smiles could fill my broken heart and others with so much joy.  I cried at the thought that some day that could be my son and I’m not sure that I could handle that.

Even thinking back to it now, the whole experience still feels so surreal.  Some days go by without even a though of J, but other days I can’t get him out of my mind.  Some days I want to believe that he is still down in Louisiana doing the same old things he always did-working, creating music, fishing, hunting, and hanging out with his family.  Then reality sets in and I have to force myself to face the cold truth that he is gone.

A few days ago would have been J’s 28th birthday.  He was almost exactly one year younger than me.  I think sometimes about what my family would do without me right now.  How would Zach and Hubby fare without me around?  I know they would get by, but the thought of leaving them is unimaginable.  I don’t want to think about my son growing up without his mommy by his side.  I don’t want to think about the pain, hurt, and anger that Hubby would feel if I was gone from his life so early.  I wonder how my parents would cope with the loss of a child.

I think about J, and how much he must have been suffering to have that desire to end his life.  Like his family, I wonder if I could have made a difference if I had reached out to him.  I wonder if the doctors could have helped him more.  I wonder if his destiny was truly already written and if he would be gone now even if he hadn’t ended his own life.  I wonder about these things often and I also wonder if it will ever stop.  I wonder if anyone can ever truly understand the effects of suicide before they do it.

J’s memory will always live on in the hearts of his family and friends.  I have written my thoughts about this today, but I remember him every day.  I see him in the eyes of his son.  I see little pieces of him in his brothers.  I will forever treasure the time that I did spend with him and regret that I didn’t have more.

I will always remember.


A Few Points Of (Un)Interest

  • Zach peed in his potty last night!  I know this doesn’t seem all that exciting, but it was the first time and completely unexpected.  I had him sit on the potty before he got in the bathtub and he actually went.
  • I’m really bummed about the ending of The O.C.  I know it is a cheesy teen drama that really went downhill last season, but I’m still not ready to give it up.  That said, I think they did a very good job wrapping things up in the final episode.  I’m also slightly embarrassed to admit that I cried off and on throughout the whole thing.
  • Hubby has a blog now.  Shocking, I know.  I’m gonna give him a little time to get comfortable over there before sharing the address but I have to say I’m a little excited.  I’m not sure blogging will be the same for him as it is for me but you just never know.
  • Plans are now in place for a re-design of our office space here at work.  I will finally have my very own office (with a door!). But, I will also move from my quiet little corner in the back up to the front next to my mom and boss.  That could have some negative effects.
  • I now have a deadline for the baby blanket I’m knitting for my sister.  I have to have it done by March 4th because we are going to have a surprise mini baby shower for her at a friend’s house that afternoon.  I just started it Sunday so that means that I have to finish knitting a blanket in two weeks which will be just short of a miracle for me.  The good news is that I am almost 1/3 done with it so if I work really hard all weekend and during the evenings next week I just might be able to finish it.
  • Zach is going back to the doctor today to re-consider him for tubes in his ears.  The doc agreed to it last time I had him in but we decided to hold off.  Now that he’s had to suffer through two more ear infections I have decided we should go ahead and do it.  I’m just hoping the doctor agrees with me.
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Confessions: Britney Edition

I had planned for this post to be a confession of all of the cd’s in my collection that I am embarrassed to tell people I own.  However, the first one that popped into my mind was Britney Spears’ “…Baby One More Time“.  It was given to me by one of my best friends as a gag gift when I was in college.  The part I don’t like to admit is that when no one else was around I would crank it up and sing along with Miss Britney.  It was so catchy that I just couldn’t resist.  I haven’t owned or even thought about purchasing anything of hers beyond that album, but only because I’m just not that into pop music.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Britney lately.  With all of the media coverage of her recent antics it is hard to ignore the fact that the girl is going through a rough time.  I find it incredibly sad to think that she has to deal with all of her issues in the public eye rather than being allowed to just heal with the help of her family and those who care about her.  I admit that perhaps she has brought this upon herself, but I can’t imagine what it has been like for her to live with the public scrutiny the last few years.  It is hard enough to have your own family and friends giving you negative feedback about your life choices, but just imagine if that was extended out to the entire world.

I’m certainly not defending Brit’s choices.  The girl has her priorities a bit jacked up.  Heaven knows that if I were in her shoes my first priority would be to take care of my two young children and help them adjust to the fact that their parents will no longer be together.  I realize that life is difficult to cope with at times but for me at least, my child comes first.  If she’s dealing with postpartum depression-as some speculate-then she needs to get that in check and get back to her family.

I’m not sure really where I’m going with all of this.  I just feel such an incredible sadness for this girl that I’ve never met.  I really want to see her get her life together.  I’m just not sure that this world will allow her to do that.

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My American Idol

Hubby sent me an IM yesterday to tell me that he was going to have to attend a meeting that evening and wouldn’t be home.  Since I was feeling lazy, I decided that instead of going home and trying to cook dinner with Zach hanging on my legs I would take him out to eat.  We headed straight to the restaurant after I picked him up from day care.  Traffic was a little backed up so it took longer than usual to get to our destination but neither one of us really minded because we were jamming out to some KT Tunstall in the car and having a blast.  Zach loves “Black Horse and the Cherry Tree” and kept asking for it on repeat.  Every time the song would end he would say, “Again, again!” until I complied and played his song.  He was dancing and singing along in his car seat the whole way.  When I finally stopped and could get my camera out to catch some of it on video he had pretty much stopped what he was doing but you can get a little bit of an idea.  I can so see him trying out for American Idol some day.  He’s at least more entertaining than this season’s contestants.

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Sometimes It's The Little Things

For over a week now, my office has been completely out of Coke Zero.  You might think that this is not a very important thing, but it most definitely is.  I am a creature of habit and being a creature of habit I find it very necessary to maintain a simple daily routine.  Part of this routine includes drinking a bottle of Crystal Light Peach Tea first thing in the morning and then grabbing my first Coke Zero of the day shortly after I get to work.  When I can’t have my Coke Zero it throws my whole day off.  I’m less productive (if that is even possible) than usual and I’m having cravings all day.  The really bad part is that I have been to the store several times and could have purchased my Coke but I keep forgetting to pick it up.  I’ve tried subbing it with Diet Coke, real Coke, and Diet Dr. Pepper but none of them do it for me.  Somebody seriously needs to stock the fridge soon.  And yes, I realize that I am lucky to have an office where my drink of choice is normally stocked in the fridge and I should not be complaining.

I really enjoyed my weekend with Zach.  I made a point to spend some time just focusing on him and paying attention to what he needed.  The result made me realize that I really haven’t been giving him enough of myself lately and that I need to do that more.  I have been relying way to much on the fact that he is capable of entertaining himself for longer periods of time and I have not been spending enough one-on-one time with him.  A few small changes this weekend made a huge difference in his attitude.  Coincidently, the same changes seemed to work wonders on the Hubby too.

Jack's Big Music Show t-shirts-1One of my biggest struggles as a mother/wife is finding a little “me time” amidst the daily chaos.  This weekend I managed to not only focus on Zach and the Hubby, but also to find some time to myself to release a little creative energy.  I did some work on a blog site for a friend (that I will link to when it is all finished), made Zach and my nephew some Jack’s Big Music Show t-shirts (iron-on transfer paper rocks!), and started knitting a baby blanket for my new little nephew that is due to arrive at the end of April.  I am loving the blanket and it is coming together very quickly thanks to my extra big knitting needles and the thick chunky yarn I found.

Sometimes the little things in life can be frustrating, but other times they make life worth living.

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