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Month: May 2007

Trying to Catch Up

It always seems that when I have the most to write about I don’t have any time to write it.  I have all kinds of things I want to say about my weekend with Not So Pregnant and Zac, meeting Caroline and Average Jane, and Zachary turning 23 months old (and the impending 2nd birthday party).  However, a sick kid and a surprise visit from my cousin last night have been keeping me a little tied up.  As soon as I get away from work tonight I’m heading up to my sister’s house to either pick Zach up or spend a couple hours hanging out with him before leaving him there another night.  It all depends on whether he has kicked the fever and can go to day care tomorrow or not.  (And can I just say how awesome it is to have a sister that is off work for the summer who is more than willing to keep my sick kid for me?)  Hopefully, once Zach is feeling better I’ll have a little time to catch up on my blogging and upload the rest of the pictures from the weekend, but until then you’ll just have to be satisfied with this:

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Is it just me or is that just about the cutest face ever?
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Why Didn’t I Think Of This Before?

First, a little housekeeping note.  I’ve decided to change the way I respond to comments.  Instead of replying in e-mails I’m going to reply in the comments section for a while.  I’ve been thinking about doing this for a while now and decided to just give it a little bit of a trial.  I may still respond to some of you with e-mail if I feel it requires a more personal response, but I would like to see if this creates a little more conversation.  If I decide I don’t like it, I’ll go back to e-mail.  If any of you regualar commenters has a personal preference, feel free to let me know.

Now that that’s done, on to the good stuff.  NSP did make it in last night and I couldn’t be more happy.  Instead of feeling like I was meeting some stranger, it felt like I was picking up an old friend from the airport last night.  It is amazing the comfort level I have with her (and other bloggers).  My family and friends keep questioning me about bringing someone I don’t know into my home and my response is, “But I do know her.”  The whole thing just feels so oddly comfortable it is almost scary.

On the drive back to my house last night, NSP and I were discussing some other KC bloggers that we would both like to meet and realized that we should organize a little blogger meet-up this weekend while she’s in town.  We already have a baby-sitter lined up for Saturday night and had plans to go out so we figured anyone who wants to could just come meet up with us.  It will be very informal, but if you are interested, we’ll be at Danny’s Bar and Grill in Lenexa (13350 College Blvd.).  We plan to arrive around 8:00 p.m. and stay until things die down or we get bored.  There will be live rock music starting around 10:00 with Black Oblivion and my friends Dora Dank.  If you plan to come out, please leave a comment or shoot me a quick e-mail so I know to look for you.

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When Friendship Moves Beyond the Screen

I’m having a really hard time sitting still today.  It is kind of dark and gloomy outside and the weather forecasters are calling for rain, but even that isn’t getting me down.

A while back (I can’t even remember how long ago really) I came across a blog and got instantly sucked into it.  It was the blog of a single mom struggling with parenting, dating, and everything else that life brings.  I suppose the thing that really got me hooked was that she has a son named Zachary that is only a few weeks younger than my Zach.  One day I decided to leave a comment on one of her posts.  Shortly after that we started e-mailing each other.  Then we moved on to IM’s and even a few phone calls now and then.  Now my day just doesn’t feel complete unless we’ve at least chatted for a few minutes and checked in with each other.

I read blogs every day and have many friendships with people whose faces I have never seen.  We converse, we support each other, we laugh, and even sometimes cry at each others’ posts.  We form true bonds and friendships through the shiny computer screen, but at the end of the day those people are hundreds or even thousands of miles away.

Tonight I will finally meet Not So Pregnant and her beautiful son Zac in person.  They are coming up to KC for the weekend and I can barely contain my excitement.  It is a bit scary to be meeting someone that I feel like I know so well already.  While I am a tad bit nervous, I really have no doubts that we will get along wonderfully.  I keep thinking about meeting Amanda  last October and how easy and comfortable it was to talk to her when she visited. 

Besides the fact that I finally get to meet NSP, Zach and Zac will finally meet as well.  I really hope that they have a great time playing together and I guarantee there will be plenty of cute pictures to share when the weekend is over.

As I write this post I have myself wondering why I have never met up with any local KC bloggers.  Perhaps someday I will get over my shyness and social awkwardness and try to set something up.  I can think of at least four of you I read on a daily basis that I would love to meet.  Anyone interested?

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The Nagging Question

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my life lately.  I’ve thought a lot about where I’ve been, where I’m going, what I’m doing in my life right now.  But the biggest question that keeps coming up is, “Am I happy?”  The general answer to that question is “No.”

Happiness can be defined by so many things.  The hard part is figuring out which of those things really matters to you deep down.  When I look down the list of the things that really matter to me, the scale of happiness becomes quite a mixture.

I read a blog post earlier today (and I can’t for the life of me remember where) about a person who made the choice to quit her part-time job.  She didn’t make any formal plans as to how she would spend her extra time that was previously consumed by that job.  Instead, she chose to just relax and enjoy her new free time.  The blogger noted that it resulted in an overall happier mood.  Wow, did that get me thinking.

I constantly feel like I am running on overdrive.  It seems like there is always something left undone at the end of the day.  I over-commit myself.  I hate saying no when someone asks me to do something, so I say yes even though I know I don’t have the time for it.  Plus, I am lazy.  I am lazy at work.  I am lazy at home.  It isn’t the kind of lazy where I just sit around doing nothing (how nice would that be?), but instead I tend to neglect the things that need done in favor of doing the things I want to do (like blogging).

The end result is that I don’t follow through with things.  Many projects end up done sloppily or sometimes are never fully completed.  I put things off until the last minute and then rush to throw them together.  It leaves me feeling incompetent and I’m sure doesn’t impress others much.

The laziness flows over into my personal life as well.  I don’t take care of my home, my finances, or my family the way that I feel like I should.  I don’t even take care of myself the way I should.  I certainly don’t take care of my husband the way that I should.  I always find myself saying, “I just don’t have time for that.”  But why don’t I have time?  Why don’t I have time to snuggle on the sofa with my husband in the evenings after Zach is in bed asleep?  Why don’t I have time to prepare a healthy meal for my family?  Why don’t I have time to exercise and take care of my body?  Why don’t I have time to create a budget and financial plan?  How do other people do it?

I wish I had someone to give me the answers to all of those questions.  I don’t know how to get myself back on track.  I feel like I am constantly being pulled in fifty different directions and I’m just not that stretchy.  The only way to find more time to do the things I need to do is to cut out the things that I enjoy doing.  Will that help me find happiness or will that just make it worse?

I try to think back to a time when I life was easier and I felt happy and carefree.  I don’t ever remember a time that I was 100% happy, but I remember times when I felt content to just be.  I wonder why I can’t find that contentment now.  Why do I feel the need to fill every waking moment with some kind of project or activity.  Why is it so hard for me to just sit and watch TV or a movie without my hands moving or my thoughts drifting away?

One of the things that I know about myself is that I take pride in my accomplishments.  When I was in school, accomplishments were easy.  I was an overachiever for the most part, and I was rewarded for that by good grades, honor rolls, and various scholarships and awards.  There was something tangible that I could hold in my hand to show my success.  In real life, however, success and accomplishments are so different.  I wonder if part of the reason I feel like I must always be doing something more is that I am searching for something to be proud of.  Am I compensating for my failures in life (and there are many) by trying to take on more than I can handle?  Is all of this a direct result of my own insecurities? 

There are so many questions that run through my head.  I constantly contemplate whether giving up some of the things I love will result in a higher level of happiness or if it would just make me more resentful and unhappy in the end.  I guess it all comes down to figuring out what it is that truly makes me happy.  For me there is no black or white on this issue.  Instead it is a mixture of various shades of gray.

So, am I happy?  Not completely.  The scale tips from day to day.  Do I want to be?  Absolutely.  I just have to find a way to make the changes in my life that will allow me to be.

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Do you ever have one of those moments where a feeling just hits you so strongly it is almost overwhelming?  I had several of those this weekend.  They may seem insignificant to others, or even go by completely unnoticed, but to me they hold so much meaning. 

100_9562cSaturday morning Zach and I got up and headed up North to our church.  The church preschool was having their end of the year picnic and invited all of the kids from the church to attend.  My sister and her kids came as well.  There was a band, led by another local minister, that performed for the kids, lots of picnic food, and then playing on the playground.  At one point, while our kids were all playing together in the sandbox I looked up and just felt such a rush of love for them all.  I love that they all love each other so much.

Later that night, we went to a party hosted by one of my sister’s good friends (I suppose I could claim her as my own friend too, but I never would have met her had it not been for my sister). 101_9288 As I sat there chatting with some of the girls I realized just how much things have changed between me and hubby over the last few years.  It used to be that at social functions we were practically attached at the hip.  We rarely left each others’ side.  Saturday night I barely saw him at all.  As I was sitting there talking to my friends, I couldn’t help but miss him a little bit.  It was both a good and bad moment for me.  It was good because it showed me just how much I have come out of my shell in the last few years.  I didn’t need him there to protect and take care of me.  I conversed and enjoyed myself without feeling completely awkward in a social setting.  I may have finally learned to be a little independent.  Yet, in the same moment, I saw just how disconnected we have become from each other.  It made me miss those days when we couldn’t leave each others’ side for a moment.  I kind of wish we could find our way back there.

100_9540Sunday Zach woke up with a stuffy/runny nose and a cough.  By lunch time I could tell he was miserable.  He didn’t improve as the day wore on and I ended up having to stay home with him on Monday.  Since all he wanted to do was lounge around, I unfolded the futon in the living room and we snuggled up to watch Curious George together.  I wrapped my arms around him and he held my hand.  It was one of those moments that I wish could have lasted forever.  I felt such an intense love for him in that moment.  I am still so amazed at times that I can love a person as much as I love him.

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may_07 227, originally uploaded by deew27.

It was a beautiful day for sliding!

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