Month: August 2006

Words Cannot Define It

Published by dee on August 16, 2006

For some reason I’ve been a little bit emotional lately so sit back and bear with me.

In the last week or so I have been catching myself just sitting there doing nothing but watching my son. I watch him as he plays with his toys or teases the dog by holding his chew toy just out of reach. I watch him as he pulls the drawer out of his toy bin so he can reach in and grab the specific toy that he wants. He knows exactly where each toy is and how to get to it.

I watch as he walks up to the tv, pushes the power button, then runs away and looks at his daddy, just waiting for the reaction that he knows is coming. I watch as he walks up to his dad, arms outstretched, hugs him, then goes back to playing.

I watch as he points to anything and everything within his sight with curiosity, wanting to touch it and explore it to see what it does. I watch him point to pictures of family and loved ones around our house and then wait for me to tell him the name for each person. I watch him as he climbs up onto a chair or on the couch, sitting like a little man, trying to copy what Mommy and Daddy are doing.

I listen as he chuckles and then releases his beautiful, boisterous laugh that I love so much. I have never in my life heard a more wonderful sound.

Before I became a parent, I read. I read and read and read all the parenting magazines, the books, and tons of parenting blogs. I figured the more I read the better prepared I would be. But no amount of reading, advice, or preparations could ever prepare me for the deep, deep, love I feel for this child. I can’t describe how it makes me feel when he reaches out to me for a hug, or when he cries and there is nothing I can do to console him, or when I brought him to bed with me lastnight and he reached out to put his little hand on my face trying to pull me closer to him.

Just sitting back and watching him as he moves through the room can almost bring me to tears at times. The emotions that surge through me are so powerful. I have never in my life loved anything so deeply. He is my life, my world. He is my everything. I never want to know a world without him in it.

Comments closed

Pssst…..

Published by dee on August 15, 2006

I have to tell you something that I have never, ever said before. Are you ready? These words have never come out of my mouth before. Well, I guess they still aren’t coming out of my mouth really, but you get the point. Okay, here goes…I am so ready for summer to be over. There I said it. Whew! That wasn’t so bad.

I woke up today in a huge rush (as usual). With school starting back up, breakfast at day care is now at 7:45, rather than whenever we stroll in as it has been all summer. This means that I have to either get up earlier to get Zach there by 7:45, or I have to get up earlier so I can feed him breakfast before we leave. I’m opting to try to get him there by 7:45 and get an earlier start on my workday. This, conveniently, also allows me more time to read blogs before everyone else shows up to the office.

So, where was I? Oh, yeah. I hurried through my shower and got dressed as quickly as possible and rushed outside to take the dogs out before waking Zach up. I stepped outside to the most pleasant greeting I’ve had in a while. It was very pleasantly cool out this morning. It wasn’t cloudy or gloomy out, just sunny and cool, like a nice Fall morning. Perhaps I’m being a little over-dramatic about the whole thing, but with the heat we have been having the last couple of weeks, it was certainly a nice surprise.

The cool morning made me anxious for Fall to get here. I’m ready for jeans and sweatshirts and boots. I’m even a little bit ready for football. Oh, and I’m definitely ready for some of the yummy pear cobbler that I make every fall when the pears on the tree in our front yard are finally ripe enough to pick. I’m also ready for our busy summer schedule to wind down so I can spend some quality time in front of my ridiculously large tv.

I do have one slight little request for Mother Nature though. Could you please hold off on the cool weather until after I get back from the lake this weekend? You see, I plan on spending two glorious days at the lake swimming, getting a nice sunburn, and enjoying my Dad’s new boat as much as possible and none of that will be nearly as much fun if the water in the lake is cold. So just wait until Monday morning and then bring the cooler weather on. I’ll be ready then.

(And, just for the record, I got up, got myself ready, took care of the animals, got Zach ready and was out the door in only 45 minutes this morning. That just might be a personal record. We pulled in the driveway at day care at 7:50. I may have forgotten to brush Zach’s teeth, but hey, at least I got him there in time to get some breakfast.)

p.s. I don’t know what I was thinking yesterday, but there is no way in hell I’m going to give up my blog. There may be some changes coming, but giving it up is not an option. Some of my other web sites may be disappearing soon though, but that is simply a money issue and a topic for another day.

Comments closed

In My Head

Published by dee on August 14, 2006

I’ve been trying to decide all day if I want to do yet another weekend wrap-up style entry here. Honestly, I get a little tired of writing things like that. But then I figure I might as well do it because someday I’ll come back and read those entries and have a nice reminder of what my life is like at this point. Sometimes I wonder if I really want to remember it at all. The entries about Zach will always be treasured, but the rest of it I’m not so sure about.

When I get really honest with myself, I don’t like my life right now very much. I wonder why I write the things I write here. Who really wants to read about how much I hate my job or how I can’t seem to stick to my diet, or how crappy my personal relationships are. Does any of that really matter? Years from now, will I even care about all of that?

I have thought about doing a cleansing of sorts and deleting some of my 250 posts that have collected themselves here. I think about it, but I never can do it. It is like deleting a part of myself if a way. Even those posts that say things like "dude, I am so bored right now" are a part of me, an insight into my life that I can’t part with. I suppose that has something to do with my packrat tendencies. Someday I plan to merge in some of the older posts from my first blog…when I get the time. In a way those posts were more raw, more of the old me (before I started caring what people thought of my writing), shallow as they may be.

I thought briefly today about stopping. I love my blog. I truly do. I love having a place to vent, laugh at myself, and be creative. But I also wonder if escaping into the internet is keeping me from dealing with my life. I have always preferred to run away rather than deal with my problems and I think maybe I’m doing that here. This is my hideaway.

I question over and over again whether to make this blog more public. I hate having to be so secretive about it. Yet at the same time, I still need a place where I can write about my private feelings and paper and pen aren’t really an option. I think opening up my blog to my husband at least would perhaps help out a little, but I know eventually he would slip up and mention it to my family or his and it would ruin this little outlet that I have here. I’m still working on setting up a way to protect certain entries, but for some reason cannot get the plugin to work. I think if I had that perhaps I would feel more ready to share with others.

I guess really what I’m trying to figure out is if this blog is really enhancing my life or hurting it. I would like to think that it is enhancing it, that having a hobby like this is a good thing. Sometimes I’m just not very sure about that though.

And, if you must know, the highlight of my weekend was Zach’s 5 HOUR NAP on Saturday afternoon. I love the little man so much, but that was an awesome 5 hours that I desperately needed, especially the 2 1/2 hours of it that I spent snuggled up in Hubby’s arms sleeping. And the fact that he still went to bed at his normal bedtime was just icing on the cake.

Comments closed

The Plant Guy Hates Me

Published by dee on August 10, 2006

At my office we have this guy that comes around once a week and takes care of all of our indoor plants. We have some really nice plants up at the front of the office to greet people when they come in. Plus most of us have a plant or two in our offices to spruce things up a bit.

When my Grandpa died last winter, I was offered a plant that had been sent for the funeral. I accepted the plant knowing that I definitely do not have any kind of green thumb. I had already killed the plant that I was given after my other grandfather’s funeral. It lasted almost a year, but between my cats eating the leaves and me forgetting to water it, it was just destined to die. Even knowing all of that, I figured I would give it another try.

This time around, I figured I would take the plant to my office so that it would be out of the cats’ reach. Knowing that the plant guy would come around once a week made me feel pretty safe. I figured if I did try to kill it, maybe he could stop me before it actually died. So, after a couple of weeks of forgetting to bring it every day, the plant finally made it to the office and I found a place to proudly display it. It really does make my office look a little more homey.

Since I am way back in the back of the office hidden away, I made sure to tell those that were in front to send the plant guy my way when he came in so that I could tell him about my plant. He came in the following week and took a look at my plant. He said that it needed to be re-potted with a larger pot and some better quality soil. I told him that I would try to do that and he left…without watering my plant.

The next week, I waited and waited for him to show up and he never did. When I asked around, I was told that he had already been there. He didn’t come back to my corner at all. So I asked them to make sure that they sent him back the next time, thinking that maybe he had just forgotten.

So I waited and waited. Week after week I waited for the plant guy and he never came around the corner to my office. I still hadn’t re-potted my plant because I don’t know what in the heck kind of soil to buy for my plant. I was waiting for the opportunity to ask him, but he never showed his face.

Finally, in June, my mom asked him to come back here because my plant wasn’t looking so hot. I had actually been remembering to water it, but apparently that wasn’t enough. My plant is a needy plant. So the plant guy comes back to my office and we discussed the whole re-potting thing again. He offered to bring me in a catalog where I could pick out a new pot and said that he would pot it for me. I was perfectly fine with that. I would rather pay him to do it than try to do it without killing my plant.

Guess what? He never showed up again. I’m still waiting for him to pop his head around the corner. I know he’s in the office once a week. All of the other plants in the office look fabulous. Mine just looks totally ghetto. Don’t believe it? Here’s a picture. Just ignore the ugly boxes in the background and the stacks of papers waiting to be filed.

Proof of my not green thumb

Those leaves? They’re supposed to be standing up, not drooping down like they have a bad hangover. It really was a beautiful plant when it was younger, before I got my hands on it.

I am seriously beginning to think that the plant guy just doesn’t like me. I don’t know any other explanation for his total disregard of my dying plant. Really, what did I ever do to him? I was even going to pay him just to re-pot my plant!

Zach is so lucky that he is human and not a plant. Who would have ever thought that a baby would be easier to take care of than a plant that doesn’t even move?

Comments closed

You Outta Be In Pictures

Published by dee on August 10, 2006

So I was actually off to a good start this morning and was getting some work done when I decided to reward myself by stopping for a few minutes to check my e-mail. I just had a few messages so I went ahead and read them. Then I clicked on a link in one of the e-mails. That sent me to a page where I found another interesting link…and on….and on…

Before I realized what had happened I had wasted an hour visiting various internet sites. But, it wasn’t totally wasted time, because now I’m going to spend a little more time and share a couple of links with you so you can waste some time. I’m nice like that.

For several years now I’ve had a bit of an interest in digital photography. The problem is that I’ve never really had the time to learn much about it, nor do I have the equipment that I need to really get serious about it. I would love to have something like this, but until I suddenly become wealthy or someone decides to gift it to me I have to settle with this and this which are already in my possession.

I’ve been reading Picture This, a new ClubMom blog for a few weeks and it has gotten me a little excited about photography again. I even joined the Flickr group and look forward to sharing some of my favorite photos. And, since I have my very own live subject to photgraph whenever I want, I almost always have the opportunity to snap a shot here and there.

This morning I found the Digital Photography School, a clearly written (read: on my level) blog about digital photography. I had to make myself click on the little red x at the top of my screen because I could have stayed there all day long. The tips are great and it is very easy to follow even if you know very little about photography (like me).

The other fun site I found is fd’s flickr toys, because who doesn’t want to play around with their Flickr photos? You can do lots of fun stuff there, like this:

Zach Mosaic

I’ll have to play around in there when I have some more time, but for now I suppose I should get back to work.

Comments closed

Hungry, Hungry, Hippos

Published by dee on August 9, 2006

One of the things that I love about my small office job is that we always keep the fridge stocked with pop (soda) and water for the employees. There is also coffee, but I don’t touch the stuff so it isn’t really relevant here. So, instead of plopping my 65 cents into the Coke machine downstairs when I need a drink, all I have to do is grab one out of the fridge in the kitchen.

The only downside to this, is that I am usually the one who has to do the grocery shopping and stock the fridge when it gets low. I don’t mind too much though, because that means I get to pick out what goes in the fridge (which is ALWAYS stocked with Coke Zero these days).

On Monday, my mom and I went and had a wonderful salad bar lunch at the grocery store down the street so that we could do the "stock the fridge" grocery shopping at the same time. Besides the drinks in the fridge, we’ve also been trying to keep some fresh fruit around for everyone to snack on. See how health conscious we’re being? So we picked up some apples and then decided to get some of the 100-calorie packs of pretzels and snacks as well.

We returned with our goods and set them out in the kitchen. Two days later, the pretzels and other salty goods are almost gone while the apples sit there untouched. I guess they went over well. And I, lover of all things salty, have had only one little bag of pretzels.

I had thoughts of grabbing a couple of bags and stashing them in my desk so that I get some before they are all gone, but I didn’t do it. It reminded me of when my mom and dad would come home with groceries and each one of us kids would grab our favorites and try to hide it so the other ones wouldn’t eat it before we got any. I don’t really know why I feel that way about food. I’m an adult. It isn’t like I can’t go to the store and buy my own if I really want it. There will always be more.

I just have to keep reminding myself that I don’t have to have it all today. There will be more food to be had tomorrow. Maybe I should put that on a sign and hang it on my fridge, and pantry, and desk drawers, or maybe the back of my hands…

Comments closed