Month: August 2006

Is Somebody Trying To Tell Me Something?

Published by dee on August 24, 2006

With my new mindset of “change will only happen if I make it happen” I have decided to focus first on the things that I can most easily change. The one next to the big fat numero uno is to stick to my diet. I have been doing pretty well the last few weeks, but am still going up and then back down on the scale. I do great for a couple of days, drop a couple pounds, then I get hungry, or someone offers me a doughnut that I can’t refuse, then I blow it the rest of the day and the pounds creep back up. I’m fluctuating about 4 pounds throughout the week and I’m getting tired of it. I need to find a way to make myself stick to it. I do very well counting my points during the day, but when I go home and have to fix dinner for the whole family I tend to quit counting. It just takes too much effort to measure and count points for every cup of rice or every ounce of meat that I eat. So, I estimate and I think my estimates are a bit off. Well, that and the fact that I seem to be finding the need for a margarita or other calorie-rich cocktail about every night here lately.

This week I’ve done pretty well, with the exception of yesterday. I’ve stuck closely, or at least fairly closely, to my allotted points. Yesterday was just a hungry day so I gave in and let myself eat at Fazoli’s. Just for the record, breadsticks and baked spagetti parmesean don’t really fit into the 6-8 points I usually allow myself for lunch. I had a pretty decent dinner, but then found the need to drink not one, but two delicious margarita’s afterwards.

Knowing that I was bad yesterday, I vowed to be good today. But then I got hungry. After I finished my 4 point WW frozen meal, I just wasn’t satisfied. I decided that I would allow myself some Chex mix from the vending machine so I scrounged up a dollar in change, popped it in the machine, put in my code and waited for my Chex mix to drop down. And it didn’t. It got stuck in the damn machine. In 4 1/2 years that I’ve been working in this building I have never once had a problem with the vending machine. It always works. So, I came back upstairs defeated and sat down at my desk. About two minutes later I was looking for more change because I really wanted that Chex mix. I took my quarters downstairs, put them in the machine and finally got my covetted Chex mix. And it tasted so good that I ate the whole bag instead of the half that I had planned on eating. I guess dinner tonight will be a little lighter than I had planned.

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What's In A Name?

Published by dee on August 23, 2006

Normally I don’t take these things too seriously, but this one was spot on.

There are 16 letters in your name.
Those 16 letters total to 60
There are 8 vowels and 8 consonants in your name.

Your number is: 6

The characteristics of #6 are: Responsibility, protection, nurturing, community, balance, sympathy.

The expression or destiny for #6:
The number 6 Expression provides you a truly outstanding sense of responsibility, love, and balance. The 6 is helpful and ever conscientious, making you quite capable of rectifying and balancing any sort of inharmonious situation. You are a person very much inclined to give help and comfort to those in need. You have a natural penchant for working with the old, the young, the sick, or the underprivileged. Although you may have considerable creative and artistic talents, the chances are that you will devote yourself to an occupation that shows concern for the betterment of the community.

The positive side of the number 6 suggests that you are very loving, friendly, and appreciative of others. You have a depth of understanding that produces much sympathetic, kindness, and generosity. The qualities of the 6 make the finest and most concerned parent and one often deeply involved in domestic activities. Openness and honesty is apparent in your approach to all relationships.

If there is an excess of the number 6 in your makeup, you may exhibit some of the negative traits associated with this number. There may be a tendency for you to be too exacting and demanding of yourself. In this regard, you may at times sacrifice yourself (or your loved ones) for the welfare of others. In some cases, the over zealous 6 has difficulty distinguishing helping from interfering. You may have difficulty expressing your own individuality, because of involvement with responsibilities and causes. Like all with the Expression of the number 6, it’s quite likely that you worry much too much.

Your Soul Urge number is: 6

A Soul Urge number of 6 means:
With a number 6 Soul Urge, you would like to be appreciated for your ability to handle responsibility. Your home and family are likely to be a strong focus for you, perhaps the strongest focus of your life. Friendship, love, and affection are high on your list of priorities for a happy life. You have a lot of diplomatic tendencies in your makeup, as you a able to rectify and balance situations with an innate skill. You like working with people rather than by yourself. It is extremely important for you to have harmony in your environment at all times.

The positive side of the 6 Soul Urge produces a huge capacity for responsibility; you are always there and ready to assume more than your share of the load. If you possess positive 6 Soul Urges and express them, you are known for your generosity, understanding and deep sympathetic attitude. Strong 6 energy is very giving of love, affection, and emotional support. You may have the inclination to teach or serve your community in other idealistic ways. You have natural abilities to help people. You are also likely to have artistic and creative leanings.

If you have an over-supply of 6 energy in your makeup, you may express some of the negative traits common to this number. With such a strong sympathetic attitude, it is easy to become too emotional. Sometimes the desires to render help can be over done, and it can become interfering and an attitude that is too protective, rather than helpful. The person with too much 6 energy often finds that people tend to take advantage of this very giving spirit. You may tend to repress your own needs so that you can cater to the demands from others. At times, there may be a tendency in this, for becoming over-loaded with such demands, and as a result become resentful.

Your Inner Dream number is: 9

An Inner Dream number of 9 means:
You dream of being creative, intellectual, and universal; the selfless humanitarian. You understand the needy and what to help them. You would love to be a person people count on for support and advice.

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Discontent

Published by dee on August 22, 2006

I’ve been writing a lot lately about this nagging feeling of discontent going on in my life. After reading the comments from my Get a Grip post the other day and then reading a few other blogs, I realize that I’m certainly not the only one living with disappointment and discontent. Okay, so I knew I wasn’t the only one, but I guess I just needed a little reassurance.

All of this spurred a little brainstorming session in my head. I really feel like I need to make some changes in my life but I’m not even sure where to begin. I want to change for myself, but also for my family. I can’t possibly give them 100% if I am not 100% myself. If I am grumpy or depressed or just disappointed in myself, then I don’t respond to them in the way they deserve. When Zach is begging for attention and I am in a bad mood, I get irritated and don’t give him the attention he needs and wants. When I come home from work grouchy, I don’t fully appreciate or give notice to those little things that Hubby does to try to make my day a little better. Really, they deserve more. They deserve a mother and wife who can give back to them what they give to me.

Wiccachicky‘s comments about the "pushing 30" crowd really got me to thinking. I think she definitely has something there. My whole life I have been pushed to "be all that I can be" and now I look back and see that I’m nowhere near achieving that. The responsibilities and financial obligations I have put on myself are now keeping me from being able to achieve the goals that I once had. That’s kind of hard to swallow and is definitely one of the things that has been bothering me a lot lately. I don’t know that I will ever get back to the point where the sky is the limit. Even my hobbies are suffering these days as I just don’t have the time or the money to put into them. I want to do so many things, but I see them as impossible dreams now.

I know I always have these little moments of insight, but then I never follow through. This time I want to follow through. I want to find the time and the energy to make some permanent changes happen. I want to find a way to enjoy my life more and appreciate what I have rather than worry about what I don’t have. I want to find peace in my life.

The pity party is officially over. It is time for me to make a change and quit feeling so sorry for myself. Of course, that could all change next week. I’m just feeling good today.

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In A Word

Published by dee on August 21, 2006

Weekend: Relaxing
Lake: Beautiful
House: Quaint
Stairs: Bad
Boat: Fun
Family: Awesome
Air Mattress: Hillarious (QuickTime Video)

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TGIF times 1,935,836,587

Published by dee on August 18, 2006

I am so glad that it is finally Friday. I woke up today in a much better mood than I have been all week so far. It could have been the fact that Zach actually let me sleep all night lastnight but I’m just guessing it is because as soon as I get off work today (which will hopefully be early) I’m heading to the lake for some fun and relaxation with my dad, his wife, and my sister’s family. It is our first trip down to my dad’s lake house and I’m pretty anxious. Plus, after this weekend things will slow down a little bit. Well, except for the fact that my mom is buying a house and we’ll be helping her move and then Zach’s day care provider will be having her baby (which I have yet to finish the blanket for) and Hubby’s parents will be coming up and staying with us for THREE entire WEEKS to help watch Zach while she’s on maternity leave and OMG!!! Clearly, I’m going to be insane by October. So, what was I saying before my little breakdown?

Ah, yes. In preparation for the weekend trip, I decided to clean up my mp3 player a bit. Well, actually I formatted it and completely re-loaded it. When I got through my list of all the music I wanted on there, it was about twice as much as the thing will hold so I had to be a little more choosey. I cut it down as much as I could but there was still a lot I wanted on there that wouldn’t fit. Plus, then I remembered that there are a few more songs that I wanted that are on my work computer and but it is already full. And I have a 5 GB player. There should be plenty of room on there, but for some reason I feel like I need my whole music collection with me at all times. I’m seriously considering an upgrade to the mp3 player but I suppose that will have to wait as I have no money. Hubby has already informed me that he will gladly take the old one when I replace it.

Well, I should get back to work so that I can get out of this shithole as quickly as possible.

Oh, one more thing….if you are looking for something new to listen to this weekend, check out The Panic Channel.

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Get A Grip

Published by dee on August 17, 2006

Sometimes I wonder if life is really supposed to be this hard or if I just make it that way. Anyone taking a glimpse into my life would think that everything is just grand. I live in a decent house. I have a good job and a nice car. I have a husband who, for the most part, is pretty damn good to me. I have the most beautiful son on the planet who I love more than I ever thought was possible. I have a family who loves and supports me and I actually enjoy spending time with. I have a few really great friends. Yet, even with all of that, I don’t feel fulfilled or happy.

I’m in a big time rut right now. I don’t really know what I need to be happy. I do know that right now I’m not getting it. I don’t know if this would be classified as depression but I do know that if I don’t make a change, it will get worse. I am so unmotivated in every aspect of my life. I want to do the things that need done but I have no energy to do them. My headaches are back, almost daily. I sleep, but still feel tired in the mornings.

My husband is suffering, mostly because of me I think. He deserves someone who can give him what he needs and right now I can’t. I feel terrible about that but can’t seem to make myself change. I give all of my energy to Zach and hope that he is getting the love and affection that he needs.

There are things weighing on my mind that can’t be discussed here. They can’t really be discussed anywhere, for that matter. They remain in my heart and in my head, as I suppose they should. But those things create a barrier that not even my husband or my closest of friends can break through.

I think more than anything, what is bringing me down is that I am so disappointed in where my life has ended up and in the choices I have made. I used to be so full of ambition, with so many dreams, hopes, and aspirations. Now, I just settle for where life has led me with no hope of ever making a change.

I really need therapy. I know I do. I think I always have needed it, but I’m too chicken to actually go and I’m too broke to pay for it. I would tell anyone else to go to their church pastor but my pastor is my dad so that’s not really an option.

I could ask my doc for more drugs, but I hate being medicated.

So, instead, I turn to the internet. The only place where I really can be me and no one else can tell me what to say or do.

p.s. Yes, I do know that there are lots of other people who are in much worse situations that me. But, this is my blog and if I want to host my own pity party I will.

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