I’ve been trying to decide all day if I want to do yet another weekend wrap-up style entry here. Honestly, I get a little tired of writing things like that. But then I figure I might as well do it because someday I’ll come back and read those entries and have a nice reminder of what my life is like at this point. Sometimes I wonder if I really want to remember it at all. The entries about Zach will always be treasured, but the rest of it I’m not so sure about.
When I get really honest with myself, I don’t like my life right now very much. I wonder why I write the things I write here. Who really wants to read about how much I hate my job or how I can’t seem to stick to my diet, or how crappy my personal relationships are. Does any of that really matter? Years from now, will I even care about all of that?
I have thought about doing a cleansing of sorts and deleting some of my 250 posts that have collected themselves here. I think about it, but I never can do it. It is like deleting a part of myself if a way. Even those posts that say things like "dude, I am so bored right now" are a part of me, an insight into my life that I can’t part with. I suppose that has something to do with my packrat tendencies. Someday I plan to merge in some of the older posts from my first blog…when I get the time. In a way those posts were more raw, more of the old me (before I started caring what people thought of my writing), shallow as they may be.
I thought briefly today about stopping. I love my blog. I truly do. I love having a place to vent, laugh at myself, and be creative. But I also wonder if escaping into the internet is keeping me from dealing with my life. I have always preferred to run away rather than deal with my problems and I think maybe I’m doing that here. This is my hideaway.
I question over and over again whether to make this blog more public. I hate having to be so secretive about it. Yet at the same time, I still need a place where I can write about my private feelings and paper and pen aren’t really an option. I think opening up my blog to my husband at least would perhaps help out a little, but I know eventually he would slip up and mention it to my family or his and it would ruin this little outlet that I have here. I’m still working on setting up a way to protect certain entries, but for some reason cannot get the plugin to work. I think if I had that perhaps I would feel more ready to share with others.
I guess really what I’m trying to figure out is if this blog is really enhancing my life or hurting it. I would like to think that it is enhancing it, that having a hobby like this is a good thing. Sometimes I’m just not very sure about that though.
And, if you must know, the highlight of my weekend was Zach’s 5 HOUR NAP on Saturday afternoon. I love the little man so much, but that was an awesome 5 hours that I desperately needed, especially the 2 1/2 hours of it that I spent snuggled up in Hubby’s arms sleeping. And the fact that he still went to bed at his normal bedtime was just icing on the cake.