In My Head

I’ve been trying to decide all day if I want to do yet another weekend wrap-up style entry here.  Honestly, I get a little tired of writing things like that.  But then I figure I might as well do it because someday I’ll come back and read those entries and have a nice reminder of what my life is like at this point.  Sometimes I wonder if I really want to remember it at all.  The entries about Zach will always be treasured, but the rest of it I’m not so sure about.

When I get really honest with myself, I don’t like my life right now very much.  I wonder why I write the things I write here.  Who really wants to read about how much I hate my job or how I can’t seem to stick to my diet, or how crappy my personal relationships are.  Does any of that really matter?  Years from now, will I even care about all of that?

I have thought about doing a cleansing of sorts and deleting some of my 250 posts that have collected themselves here.  I think about it, but I never can do it.  It is like deleting a part of myself if a way.  Even those posts that say things like "dude, I am so bored right now" are a part of me, an insight into my life that I can’t part with.  I suppose that has something to do with my packrat tendencies.  Someday I plan to merge in some of the older posts from my first blog…when I get the time.  In a way those posts were more raw, more of the old me (before I started caring what people thought of my writing), shallow as they may be.

I thought briefly today about stopping.  I love my blog.  I truly do.  I love having a place to vent, laugh at myself, and be creative.  But I also wonder if escaping into the internet is keeping me from dealing with my life.  I have always preferred to run away rather than deal with my problems and I think maybe I’m doing that here.  This is my hideaway.

I question over and over again whether to make this blog more public.  I hate having to be so secretive about it.  Yet at the same time, I still need a place where I can write about my private feelings and paper and pen aren’t really an option.  I think opening up my blog to my husband at least would perhaps help out a little, but I know eventually he would slip up and mention it to my family or his and it would ruin this little outlet that I have here.  I’m still working on setting up a way to protect certain entries, but for some reason cannot get the plugin to work.  I think if I had that perhaps I would feel more ready to share with others.

I guess really what I’m trying to figure out is if this blog is really enhancing my life or hurting it.  I would like to think that it is enhancing it, that having a hobby like this is a good thing.  Sometimes I’m just not very sure about that though.

And, if you must know, the highlight of my weekend was Zach’s 5 HOUR NAP on Saturday afternoon. I love the little man so much, but that was an awesome 5 hours that I desperately needed, especially the 2 1/2 hours of it that I spent snuggled up in Hubby’s arms sleeping.  And the fact that he still went to bed at his normal bedtime was just icing on the cake.