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In My Head

I’ve been trying to decide all day if I want to do yet another weekend wrap-up style entry here.  Honestly, I get a little tired of writing things like that.  But then I figure I might as well do it because someday I’ll come back and read those entries and have a nice reminder of what my life is like at this point.  Sometimes I wonder if I really want to remember it at all.  The entries about Zach will always be treasured, but the rest of it I’m not so sure about.

When I get really honest with myself, I don’t like my life right now very much.  I wonder why I write the things I write here.  Who really wants to read about how much I hate my job or how I can’t seem to stick to my diet, or how crappy my personal relationships are.  Does any of that really matter?  Years from now, will I even care about all of that?

I have thought about doing a cleansing of sorts and deleting some of my 250 posts that have collected themselves here.  I think about it, but I never can do it.  It is like deleting a part of myself if a way.  Even those posts that say things like "dude, I am so bored right now" are a part of me, an insight into my life that I can’t part with.  I suppose that has something to do with my packrat tendencies.  Someday I plan to merge in some of the older posts from my first blog…when I get the time.  In a way those posts were more raw, more of the old me (before I started caring what people thought of my writing), shallow as they may be.

I thought briefly today about stopping.  I love my blog.  I truly do.  I love having a place to vent, laugh at myself, and be creative.  But I also wonder if escaping into the internet is keeping me from dealing with my life.  I have always preferred to run away rather than deal with my problems and I think maybe I’m doing that here.  This is my hideaway.

I question over and over again whether to make this blog more public.  I hate having to be so secretive about it.  Yet at the same time, I still need a place where I can write about my private feelings and paper and pen aren’t really an option.  I think opening up my blog to my husband at least would perhaps help out a little, but I know eventually he would slip up and mention it to my family or his and it would ruin this little outlet that I have here.  I’m still working on setting up a way to protect certain entries, but for some reason cannot get the plugin to work.  I think if I had that perhaps I would feel more ready to share with others.

I guess really what I’m trying to figure out is if this blog is really enhancing my life or hurting it.  I would like to think that it is enhancing it, that having a hobby like this is a good thing.  Sometimes I’m just not very sure about that though.

And, if you must know, the highlight of my weekend was Zach’s 5 HOUR NAP on Saturday afternoon. I love the little man so much, but that was an awesome 5 hours that I desperately needed, especially the 2 1/2 hours of it that I spent snuggled up in Hubby’s arms sleeping.  And the fact that he still went to bed at his normal bedtime was just icing on the cake.

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  1. I often question my blog, why I write it and why should anyone give a hoot, especially as I can be a bit of a downer…
    But really, I enjoy the writing, and I definetly enjoy the reading. I find your blog very honest, more so than mine. Please keep writing. Anne

  2. I am just not blogging as much as I used to. Part of the reason is I cannot blog from work, but part of it is, I feel like I’m out there living. I love my blog, and when I have to move or start new ones I think I break out in hives, but I no longer have the time, dedicated or even need that I used to have to blog. I cannot decide if that is a good or bad thing.

    Only you can decide what you want to do with this. Yours, like most blogs I read, are real. I like that. It makes me feel better to know that there are others out there struggling, suffering, enjoying life, etc. I like to know that the people I blog with are real people.

  3. Why do I hate you so much?? 🙂

    Oh yeah…now I remember, your child takes 5 hour naps! Geesh – I’m lucky if I get 1 1/2!!

  4. 5 HOUR NAP?

    That’s it. I’m officially banishing you from my blogroll. 😉

    At one point, I felt like I was doing more Blogging than Living. I try to keep better balance these days. Sometimes, it doesn’t hurt to have a little piece of yourself that is FOR YOURSELF. Maybe blogging is a nice way for you to work things out in your head?

  5. dee dee

    For those of you that might be slightly jealous of that 5 hour nap? After daring to write about it in my blog the little man has rewarded me by not sleeping the last two nights in a row. I really should have known better than to brag!

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