Category: Body Issues

Does Milk Chocolate Count As A Serving of Milk?

Published by dee on June 24, 2008

So, as I mentioned a couple weeks ago, I’m back to counting point values for everything that I eat. Weight Watchers Online is my new best friend – my new best friend that I just so happen to hate. Maybe hate is too strong of a word. It isn’t that I hate it. Weight Watchers is the only diet I have ever been able to stick to in my life. I just hate that I need it. I hate that I can’t regulate what I eat without it.

Since I am breastfeeding, I get a lot of extra points but even with them, my first week didn’t go so well. I did good for the first four days, then I caved. I was SO hungry. I ate a sensible dinner Thursday night, but we were at my mom’s house and I just couldn’t stop eating. Then the weekend was so busy that I just didn’t have time to think about counting points and guessed at what I was eating. Plus, I had to eat birthday cake and ice cream at Zach’s birthday party.

Despite my bad eating the second half of the week, I did still manage to lose 4 pounds. I don’t feel it, but that’s what the scales say so I suppose I should be happy about it. I think part of the problem is that I just have so far to go this time and I can’t seem to get the hunger under control. It is hard to believe that I can stick to my new eating plan when I feel so hungry all of the time.

So far this week is going okay, but I’ve already dipped into my “extra” points for the week. I’m trying really hard to get the cravings under control but it is still hard. I don’t remember being as hungry when I was breastfeeding Zachary, but with Evie it seems like I can never eat enough. I guess at the very least I know that I’m making (somewhat) healthier food choices.

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The Time Is Now

Published by dee on June 13, 2008

I’m FAT.

F-A-T

Yes, I know I just had a baby. That’s no excuse. The baby weight? It is gone. I dropped nearly 30 pounds within a week of giving birth. The rest of the weight that I’m now carrying around is just plain fat. It is all of the sugary drinks, peanut butter M&M’s, pizza, cheeseburgers, french fries, ice cream, and fried chicken sandwiches that I’ve been stuffing in my face for the last 11 months because hey, “I’m eating for two!”

Don’t you know eating for two doesn’t stop once you have the baby? Well, not if you’re breastfeeding anyway. I have this insatiable hunger that just will not go away. It started in the last month of my pregnancy and has not let up. I can think of three times since Evie was born that I’ve actually felt full (or slightly over-full). The amount of food that I consume on a daily basis is really quite disgusting.

I know it is time to cut back, but it is so hard when I am just so hungry all the time. Yet, every time I look in the mirror I feel shame because I worked so hard to lose all of the weight that I am now carrying again. I hate myself for every bite I take yet I just can’t stop. I tell myself it is for the baby, but is it really? Or is it just the one way I have of gratifying myself when it seems like everything else is so out of control?

It really hit me a couple weeks ago when I was complaining to a friend about my hair. She commented that she really likes my hair better when it is short. My reply was that I do too, just not when my face is so fat. In that moment I realized that every time I gain weight, I start growing my hair out – like somehow I can hide my fat body with the hair on my head. When I was younger I related to “Cousin Itt” because I could easily hide my entire face by simply pushing my hair forward a bit. If only it were that easy.

I’ve hidden behind my massive head of hair for the majority of my life. Only when I’ve felt confident in myself have I had the guts to cut it short and those times usually correspond to weight loss. I’m not saying I want to cut my hair off again. I just want to feel that freedom and confidence that I’ve felt during those times and I’ve suddenly realized that it has nothing at all to do with my hair and everything to do with my weight.

I’m getting tired of hiding, of feeling so self-conscious that I don’t want to go out or even change clothes in front of my husband. It is time to get off my butt and do something about it. It is time for Weight Watchers again and this time I really want to stick it out and hit my goal weight. It is going to take a lot of work but I know if I could do it once, I can do it again.

Oh, and if anybody wants to buy me a Wii Fit, that would help too.

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Routine or Chaos?

Published by dee on August 15, 2007

I’m not altogether sure whether it is the lack of activity in my life right now or the busy summer that has been keeping me from writing lately. I feel like I am so busy all the time, yet when I sit down to think about what I might write about I can’t think of a single interesting thing. Life just seems a little boring and routine right now. Perhaps I just haven’t had enough time to let my mind wander lately. I miss writing daily, but at the same time I have enjoyed the break from the computer screen. Hopefully things will start picking back up around here soon. In the meantime, here’s what’s been happening.

It seems like it has been a year, but in reality, for about the last 6 weeks or so my office has been in the middle of a remodeling project. During that time, all of my stuff has been packed away, with only the essentials crammed into the corner of my mom’s office where I’ve been working on a tiny little typewriter table. It hasn’t been miserable, but it certainly isn’t the ideal working situation. The end of the project is drawing near, and now that I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, it is getting harder and harder to work in my little corner of someone else’s office. When all is said and done, I’ll have my very own office with 4 walls and a door (for the first time in my life). My boss even agreed to let me have a lock on the door so that after the baby is born I’ll be able to pump with a little privacy. That fact alone makes it all worthwhile. The carpeting goes in next week and if all goes well, by the following Monday I’ll be able to move in. I can hardly stand the wait now.

I am finally over the illness from hell and feeling much better. I ate my first full meal in almost a week today and it was so good that I totally overstuffed myself and have been paying for it ever since. I’ll have to back off a bit for the rest of the week to make up for what I ate today. Since discovering that I am pregnant, I’ve been changing my diet up a bit. Instead of all of the diet drinks and low-fat or no-fat foods that I usually have (trying desperately to stick to my defunct WW diet), I’m trying to do about half and half. I’m still sucking down my Crystal Light like crazy, but I’m also trying to drink more plain water and letting myself have a regular soda every once in a while instead of drinking 2 or 3 Coke Zeros a day. I’m also cutting the caffeine quite a bit so the sugar helps pep me up a little when I need it. Instead of Lean Cuisine for lunch every day, I’ll throw in a Red Baron pizza or some mac ‘n’ cheese a couple times a week. The baby needs some fat, right? Oh, and the 2% chocolate milk? It is so on! Don’t get me wrong, I’m still watching the weight gain. I gained 30 pounds when I was pregnant with Zach and I’m trying to keep this one at less than 30 (preferably around 20), so I still have to watch myself.

Zach is doing much better at his new day care. This morning, we stopped by his old day care provider’s house (because she called and tempted me with warm Monkey Bread!) for a few minutes before going to his “school” to drop him off. The whole time we were at her house he was very clingy, refusing to let go of me even for a minute. As we were leaving, I asked him if he was ready to go to school and he actually smiled and said, “Yes!” When we got there, he went right in, told me good-bye and joined his class. For the first time, his teacher didn’t have to hold him while I walked away. As I turned to peek one last time, he was standing there smiling. For the first time I really felt like I made the right decision. Next week he’ll be promoting into the next higher 2-year-old class, so hopefully that won’t be too hard on him. He seems to be excited about it for now. Once he adjusts to that, maybe we can start working on all the other things that he has been regressing on lately (like potty training, that damn pacifier, and sleeping at night).

That’s about all I can come up with for tonight. It’s late, Hubby disappeared and left me mostly in the dark about an hour ago, and the caffeine buzz from my first Coke all week is starting to wear off. I suppose that means it’s time for bed.

p.s. I’ve really got the bug to re-design this site. The green is making me want to puke and that bikini-clad girl up there with the little smirk is irritating the crap out of me. Problem is, I have NO ideas what-so-ever. If anyone wants to throw out any ideas to help get the wheels turning, it would be much appreciated. I’m thinking a new design might just give me the little kick I need to get writing again.

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Even My Abs Hurt, But That's Good Right?

Published by dee on March 14, 2007

Last week I mentioned that I was going to start working out. I even asked for suggestions of songs to help motivate me and a few of you had some great ideas for me. I haven’t finalized the playlist yet (or even really started on it) due to lack of time, but I do have intentions of doing so in the near future.

My goal was to start on Monday and at least get myself on the treadmill 3 days a week for 30 minutes. The bad news is that I didn’t get my playlist ready and I didn’t get on the treadmill. The good news is that I walked for an hour and a half Monday night.

When I was picking Zach up from day care, my friend A asked if I wanted to take the kids in their strollers and go walk at a local park. It was such a beautiful day out that I couldn’t decline the invitation. I knew that Hubby had dinner ready at home, so Zach and I went home to eat dinner, then changed clothes and headed off to the park with A and her son.

I had been to this park before, but very briefly because I was in search of baby swings for Zach and there were none to be found. What kind of park has a toddler sized playground and no baby swings? This one, apparently. What I didn’t notice when I was there before is that they have some very nice biking/walking/running trails.

A and I headed off onto the trails at a pretty quick pace. When we started walking I told her the story about how I got all motivated one Saturday morning and decided to go for a walk. I also told her how I walked for way too long without bothering to turn around and my short walk ended up being about a three hour walk that resulted in much soreness and several blisters. Then I told her how I wanted to make sure never to do that again. It was such a stupid thing to do, right?

Um, I kind of did it again, except this time it was only an hour an a half instead of three hours. A and I were so busy walking and talking that we kind of quit paying attention to where we were going. Before we knew it, it was getting very dark and we had absolutely no idea how far we were from our cars. We also just happened to be walking along a very dark portion of the path that was wooded on both sides. That’s when we both started to freak out just a little bit. Two women pushing babies (excuse me, a baby and a toddler) in a dark wooded area? Probably not the safest thing I’ve ever done.

We could see that there was a main road not too far away, so we found a little pathway and cut across a soccer field to get to the road where there was at least a little bit of light. Zach was giggling and enjoying the bumpy ride, but at that point I just wanted to get back to my car. There was no sidewalk near the road so we huffed it through the grass. Zach’s stroller was most definitely not made for off-roading. I was kind of dreaming of self-propelled strollers at that point. Do they make those? I think they would sell.

Eventually, a sidewalk started on the opposite side of the road so we crossed over to the nice smooth pavement. By that point Zach was getting extremely bored and kept trying to turn around to get my attention. My legs were starting to ache and I could feel blisters forming on my feet. But! We were almost back to the park!

The last ten minutes or so of that walk felt like an hour. I’m pretty sure I have never, ever been so happy to see my car. I was tired, but at the same time I felt great physically. Even though we were only walking, we kept it at a fairly quick pace the entire time. It has been a while since I have pushed myself like that. It felt so good that I rewarded myself with not one, but two, scoops of cookie dough when I got home.

I’m still feeling the effects of the walk today. I feel muscles that I didn’t know I was even using while I was walking. I guess that goes to show just how out of shape I am! It feels really good though. The blisters on my feet aren’t feeling so good, but I’m hoping that will go away soon.

A and I plan to do this again, hopefully at least once or twice a week while the weather is nice. The best part of it is that it actually was fun and didn’t feel so much like exercise. I think next time I’ll make sure and set the alarm on my phone for 30 minutes into the walk and actually turn around when it goes off.

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Can You Define "Bloggy"?

Published by dee on February 6, 2007

I haven’t been feeling very bloggy lately. I go through my daily routine and nothing really seems like it needs to be written about. Yet, for some reason I still feel the need to write. So here I am. I guess it’s time for a little bit of catch up.

Zach is being a bit of a terror lately. I think we have definitely hit the “terrible 2’s” stage of defiance. No matter what I say to him, the answer is “NO!” Getting him dressed in the mornings is a major chore. He fights me every step of the way until I am so frustrated I can’t wait to drop him off at day care. Then two seconds later he lifts his arms, gives me a hug, and totally redeems himself. When he’s not frustrating me, I sit back in amazement while I watch his latest accomplishments. I love to listen to him talk and sing. He is learning so many new words and his speech is getting more and more clear. He may just be a normal 19-month-old kid, but to me he seems like a genius in the making.

Work has been really busy lately. It always is this time of year but for some reason it seems even more stressful this year.

The diet is going okay. As of Sunday morning I had lost 4.5 pounds, but on Monday (my official weigh-in day) I was only down 2 pounds so that was what got recorded. The Super Bowl snacks are most likely what did me in. This week is going to be really tough. My boss took me and my mom out today for our birthdays and even though I had a salad, it had lots of fattening stuff on top. Then we had cake and ice cream back at the office to celebrate. I think I’ll do all right the rest of the week. Well, until Saturday when we do our family birthday dinner. February is just always a tough month.

I’ve become a little bit of a wino since Christmas. My sister gave me a set of wine glasses that I absolutely love and I want to drink wine just so I can use them. She also gave me a big bottle of White Zinfandel which has come in quite handy. My only problem is that I’ve never really drank wine much before so I don’t know what I like. I know I like White Zinfandel and this really cheap peach flavored wine that I found and that I don’t like Merlot, but other than that I’m pretty clueless. I tasted a Riesling when we were in Hawaii and I liked it but I don’t even know what else to try. I’m afraid to buy something I don’t already know I like because if I don’t like it then I’ve just wasted my hard earned money. This new “hobby” of mine is also not good for the diet.

Thanks to the suggestion of a good friend, I’ve been doing a little re-evaluation of my priorities. I feel so overwhelmed sometimes with all of the things that I feel like I need to do. I’ve been trying to spend a little less time on the internet and more time doing the things I need to be doing. I spent a big part of the weekend cleaning and organizing my house. I de-cluttered, re-organized, and just generally made things look better and it felt great. I also went through my blog subscriptions and cleaned out about half of them. There were so many that I just really wasn’t keeping up anymore so I figured I needed to cut back. As a result, I’m spending more time actually working at work and I’m pretty sure that’s a good thing. Now I just need to quit that bad habit of adding new blogs to my feed reader.

And finally, the bad news of the day. I found out yesterday that my sister-in-law had a miscarriage. I want so badly to talk to her, to comfort her. But again, I just don’t know how. What do you say to someone in that situation? They were both so excited that she was pregnant. All she could talk about when we were at their house was baby, baby, baby. I can’t even imagine what she must feel like right now. I feel like such a schmuck for telling her how perfect and easy my pregnancy was. I hurt for her, for the baby that is no more, and for my brother-in-law who was so excited at the prospect of becoming a father.

And that’s pretty much what’s going on with me. Exciting, huh?

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Starting Over and a Yummy Recipe

Published by dee on February 2, 2007

I have a little secret. I didn’t want to share it because I’m actually a little embarrassed by it. I’m not embarrassed that I’m doing it, just embarrassed because I’ve already failed so many times. I keep trying and failing and that is not something that I like to admit. But, because I want to log it here for future reference, and because I maybe need a little encouragement I’m going to spill it.

On Monday I started Weight Watchers again. So today is only the fifth day but so far I have done really well. I’ve done better this week than all of my previous attempts (except for the first go-round when I lost 35 pounds). I splurged once on Tuesday because it was a co-worker’s birthday and I had to help her celebrate by indulging in a piece of chocolate fudge cake.

The weekends are always the hardest for me because it is much more tempting to eat out than to cook a healthy meal at home. This weekend will be particularly hard because of that big event known as the Super Bowl. We’re having a few people over to watch the game and snacks are pretty much a mandatory thing. We’re keeping it fairly healthy (and simple) by having cold cut sandwiches and a veggie tray with low fat ranch dip. However, I am also making one of my favorite party dishes, Chicken Lip Dip. It may sound gross but it is actually delicious. A friend of mine brought this to Hubby’s birthday party back in September and it has been one of my favorites ever since. And, since I’m feeling generous, I thought I would share the recipe with you.

You can serve this with tortilla chips or, my personal favorite, slices of pita bread.

Chicken Lip Dip

2 8 oz blocks cream cheese*

3 cans chicken (you can add more if you want more chicken chunks)

3/4 C Franks Hot Sauce

1 C Ranch Dip* (already mixed together – find it by the sour cream at the
store)

1 Cup shredded cheddar cheese*

Add all ingredients together and bake at 350 for 30 min. or until bubble

*You can substitute low fat versions of all of these and it still tastes great!

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