Category: Living the Life

I’ve been writing a lot lately about this nagging feeling of discontent going on in my life.  After reading the comments from my Get a Grip post the other day and then reading a few other blogs, I realize that I’m certainly not the only one living with disappointment and discontent.  Okay, so I knew I wasn’t the only one, but I guess I just needed a little reassurance.

All of this spurred a little brainstorming session in my head.  I really feel like I need to make some changes in my life but I’m not even sure where to begin.  I want to change for myself, but also for my family.  I can’t possibly give them 100% if I am not 100% myself.  If I am grumpy or depressed or just disappointed in myself, then I don’t respond to them in the way they deserve.  When Zach is begging for attention and I am in a bad mood, I get irritated and don’t give him the attention he needs and wants.  When I come home from work grouchy, I don’t fully appreciate or give notice to those little things that Hubby does to try to make my day a little better.  Really, they deserve more.  They deserve a mother and wife who can give back to them what they give to me.

Wiccachicky‘s comments about the "pushing 30" crowd really got me to thinking.  I think she definitely has something there. My whole life I have been pushed to "be all that I can be" and now I look back and see that I’m nowhere near achieving that.  The responsibilities and financial obligations I have put on myself are now keeping me from being able to achieve the goals that I once had.  That’s kind of hard to swallow and is definitely one of the things that has been bothering me a lot lately.  I don’t know that I will ever get back to the point where the sky is the limit.  Even my hobbies are suffering these days as I just don’t have the time or the money to put into them.  I want to do so many things, but I see them as impossible dreams now.

I know I always have these little moments of insight, but then I never follow through.  This time I want to follow through.  I want to find the time and the energy to make some permanent changes happen.  I want to find a way to enjoy my life more and appreciate what I have rather than worry about what I don’t have.  I want to find peace in my life.

The pity party is officially over.  It is time for me to make a change and quit feeling so sorry for myself.  Of course, that could all change next week.  I’m just feeling good today.

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I am so glad that it is finally Friday.  I woke up today in a much better mood than I have been all week so far.  It could have been the fact that Zach actually let me sleep all night lastnight but I’m just guessing it is because as soon as I get off work today (which will hopefully be early) I’m heading to the lake for some fun and relaxation with my dad, his wife, and my sister’s family.  It is our first trip down to my dad’s lake house and I’m pretty anxious.  Plus, after this weekend things will slow down a little bit.  Well, except for the fact that my mom is buying a house and we’ll be helping her move and then Zach’s day care provider will be having her baby (which I have yet to finish the blanket for) and Hubby’s parents will be coming up and staying with us for THREE entire WEEKS to help watch Zach while she’s on maternity leave and OMG!!!  Clearly, I’m going to be insane by October.  So, what was I saying before my little breakdown?

Ah, yes.  In preparation for the weekend trip, I decided to clean up my mp3 player a bit.  Well, actually I formatted it and completely re-loaded it.  When I got through my list of all the music I wanted on there, it was about twice as much as the thing will hold so I had to be a little more choosey.  I cut it down as much as I could but there was still a lot I wanted on there that wouldn’t fit.  Plus, then I remembered that there are a few more songs that I wanted that are on my work computer and but it is already full.  And I have a 5 GB player.  There should be plenty of room on there, but for some reason I feel like I need my whole music collection with me at all times.  I’m seriously considering an upgrade to the mp3 player but I suppose that will have to wait as I have no money. Hubby has already informed me that he will gladly take the old one when I replace it.

Well, I should get back to work so that I can get out of this shithole as quickly as possible.

Oh, one more thing….if you are looking for something new to listen to this weekend, check out The Panic Channel. 

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Sometimes I wonder if life is really supposed to be this hard or if I just make it that way.  Anyone taking a glimpse into my life would think that everything is just grand.  I live in a decent house.  I have a good job and a nice car.  I have a husband who, for the most part, is pretty damn good to me.  I have the most beautiful son on the planet who I love more than I ever thought was possible.  I have a family who loves and supports me and I actually enjoy spending time with.  I have a few really great friends.  Yet, even with all of that, I don’t feel fulfilled or happy.

I’m in a big time rut right now.  I don’t really know what I need to be happy.  I do know that right now I’m not getting it. I don’t know if this would be classified as depression but I do know that if I don’t make a change, it will get worse.  I am so unmotivated in every aspect of my life.  I want to do the things that need done but I have no energy to do them.  My headaches are back, almost daily.  I sleep, but still feel tired in the mornings.

My husband is suffering, mostly because of me I think.  He deserves someone who can give him what he needs and right now I can’t.  I feel terrible about that but can’t seem to make myself change.  I give all of my energy to Zach and hope that he is getting the love and affection that he needs.

There are things weighing on my mind that can’t be discussed here.  They can’t really be discussed anywhere, for that matter.  They remain in my heart and in my head, as I suppose they should.  But those things create a barrier that not even my husband or my closest of friends can break through.

I think more than anything, what is bringing me down is that I am so disappointed in where my life has ended up and in the choices I have made.  I used to be so full of ambition, with so many dreams, hopes, and aspirations.  Now, I just settle for where life has led me with no hope of ever making a change. 

I really need therapy.  I know I do.  I think I always have needed it, but I’m too chicken to actually go and I’m too broke to pay for it.  I would tell anyone else to go to their church pastor but my pastor is my dad so that’s not really an option.

I could ask my doc for more drugs, but I hate being medicated. 

So, instead, I turn to the internet.  The only place where I really can be me and no one else can tell me what to say or do. 

 

p.s.  Yes, I do know that there are lots of other people who are in much worse situations that me.  But, this is my blog and if I want to host my own pity party I will.   

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I’ve been trying to decide all day if I want to do yet another weekend wrap-up style entry here.  Honestly, I get a little tired of writing things like that.  But then I figure I might as well do it because someday I’ll come back and read those entries and have a nice reminder of what my life is like at this point.  Sometimes I wonder if I really want to remember it at all.  The entries about Zach will always be treasured, but the rest of it I’m not so sure about.

When I get really honest with myself, I don’t like my life right now very much.  I wonder why I write the things I write here.  Who really wants to read about how much I hate my job or how I can’t seem to stick to my diet, or how crappy my personal relationships are.  Does any of that really matter?  Years from now, will I even care about all of that?

I have thought about doing a cleansing of sorts and deleting some of my 250 posts that have collected themselves here.  I think about it, but I never can do it.  It is like deleting a part of myself if a way.  Even those posts that say things like "dude, I am so bored right now" are a part of me, an insight into my life that I can’t part with.  I suppose that has something to do with my packrat tendencies.  Someday I plan to merge in some of the older posts from my first blog…when I get the time.  In a way those posts were more raw, more of the old me (before I started caring what people thought of my writing), shallow as they may be.

I thought briefly today about stopping.  I love my blog.  I truly do.  I love having a place to vent, laugh at myself, and be creative.  But I also wonder if escaping into the internet is keeping me from dealing with my life.  I have always preferred to run away rather than deal with my problems and I think maybe I’m doing that here.  This is my hideaway.

I question over and over again whether to make this blog more public.  I hate having to be so secretive about it.  Yet at the same time, I still need a place where I can write about my private feelings and paper and pen aren’t really an option.  I think opening up my blog to my husband at least would perhaps help out a little, but I know eventually he would slip up and mention it to my family or his and it would ruin this little outlet that I have here.  I’m still working on setting up a way to protect certain entries, but for some reason cannot get the plugin to work.  I think if I had that perhaps I would feel more ready to share with others.

I guess really what I’m trying to figure out is if this blog is really enhancing my life or hurting it.  I would like to think that it is enhancing it, that having a hobby like this is a good thing.  Sometimes I’m just not very sure about that though.

And, if you must know, the highlight of my weekend was Zach’s 5 HOUR NAP on Saturday afternoon. I love the little man so much, but that was an awesome 5 hours that I desperately needed, especially the 2 1/2 hours of it that I spent snuggled up in Hubby’s arms sleeping.  And the fact that he still went to bed at his normal bedtime was just icing on the cake.

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