Sometimes I wonder if life is really supposed to be this hard or if I just make it that way. Anyone taking a glimpse into my life would think that everything is just grand. I live in a decent house. I have a good job and a nice car. I have a husband who, for the most part, is pretty damn good to me. I have the most beautiful son on the planet who I love more than I ever thought was possible. I have a family who loves and supports me and I actually enjoy spending time with. I have a few really great friends. Yet, even with all of that, I don’t feel fulfilled or happy.
I’m in a big time rut right now. I don’t really know what I need to be happy. I do know that right now I’m not getting it. I don’t know if this would be classified as depression but I do know that if I don’t make a change, it will get worse. I am so unmotivated in every aspect of my life. I want to do the things that need done but I have no energy to do them. My headaches are back, almost daily. I sleep, but still feel tired in the mornings.
My husband is suffering, mostly because of me I think. He deserves someone who can give him what he needs and right now I can’t. I feel terrible about that but can’t seem to make myself change. I give all of my energy to Zach and hope that he is getting the love and affection that he needs.
There are things weighing on my mind that can’t be discussed here. They can’t really be discussed anywhere, for that matter. They remain in my heart and in my head, as I suppose they should. But those things create a barrier that not even my husband or my closest of friends can break through.
I think more than anything, what is bringing me down is that I am so disappointed in where my life has ended up and in the choices I have made. I used to be so full of ambition, with so many dreams, hopes, and aspirations. Now, I just settle for where life has led me with no hope of ever making a change.
I really need therapy. I know I do. I think I always have needed it, but I’m too chicken to actually go and I’m too broke to pay for it. I would tell anyone else to go to their church pastor but my pastor is my dad so that’s not really an option.
I could ask my doc for more drugs, but I hate being medicated.
So, instead, I turn to the internet. The only place where I really can be me and no one else can tell me what to say or do.
p.s. Yes, I do know that there are lots of other people who are in much worse situations that me. But, this is my blog and if I want to host my own pity party I will.