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Category: Living the Life

Feeling Some Sort of Way

Fitting with my track record the last few years, it’s been a minute since I have updated. The problem with that is that it makes it hard to know where to start.

These last few months have had so many ups and downs and a myriad of feelings that are most often undefinable. While we try to live our lives in the most normal way possible, we remain in the middle of a pandemic. In the beginning there were hard and fast rules as to what we could do, where we could go, etc., but now those mandates have expired and for the most part it is up to us to make the tough decisions. Do we let our kids go to school? Do we gather with family for the holidays? Do we socialize with friends? Do we go back to church? Do we continue to wear face masks, even though those around us often do not?

It is a very fuzzy line as to what is considered safe and what is not. Some people have tested positive for COVID and barely had any symptoms, yet at the same time some are very severe and the death toll increases daily. Deep down, my gut feeling response was to protect my family as much as possible – keep them home and never leave the house. Initially, that is what we did. The kids and I went months barely leaving the house except for necessities. It felt safer to stay in our little bubble. But as time went on, it became very apparent that our mental health was suffering in some big ways. Little by little, as county and state restrictions eased up, we chose to start venturing out more – carefully – with masks and hand sanitizer at the ready.

The hardest decision was whether or not to send the kids back to in-person school. Our district offered a choice of in-person or online. The mama bear in my wanted to keep them home, but virtual school has proven to be a huge struggle for my kids. They all three were adamant that they wanted to be in school and deep down I knew that it really was the best choice for them. Beside the fact that we need the additional support of gifted classes, 504 plans, IEPs and other special services, they needed the return of some sort of routine and normalcy in their day. As it turned out, most families in our district made the same choice, which forced the high school and middle school to move to a hybrid schedule – 2 days a week of in-person classes, and 3 days at home with online activities. Fortunately, the elementary is able to continue a 5 day in-person schedule.

We also chose to allow sports as those opened up. We started back the routine of soccer, volleyball, and karate with practices on weeknights and games on the weekends. With school and sports back on, I started seeing my kids come back to life a little. The need for social interaction was so incredibly important for them. I don’t think any of us are truly back in a good mental state, but the difference it has made at least for my two youngest kids has been pretty immense – enough to know that it was the right choice for them.

We have been fortunate so far that we have all stayed healthy. As allergies have flared up and colds have passed through, it has been a bit nerve wracking. Never knowing exactly when it might be time to go for a COVID test you fret about every cough. We get emails from the school almost daily reporting positive cases, though contact tracing indicates most of those have not been due to transfer at school. I get a little nervous with every email from school, not sure when I will receive one saying that one of my kids has been exposed.

Last weekend was Halloween and yet again came the time to decide whether to proceed with our usual traditions or whether to stay home, hunker down and turn our porch light off. We decided to let the kids dress up and trick-or-treat. The cousins came over and we drove to a nearby neighborhood that was swarming with kids and adults trick-or-treating – very few wearing masks or taking precautions. It honestly made me very nervous and question my decision to let them go. I will not be at all surprised if we have a spike of COVID cases in our city over the next week or so.

The good news, for now at least, is that our sports seasons have finished – except for karate. Less practices and games means less community exposure for all of us. We still have school, work, and Hubby and I have been back to church a couple of times. There are necessary shopping trips and sometimes just a need to get out of the house for a bit. The desire to get back to our regular routines and habits are so strong, but as the COVID cases continue to go up daily it has me reconsidering what is truly necessary again.

Through all of this, I have found myself really struggling with anxiety (and maybe a smidge of depression). It took me a while to really put my finger on it because it doesn’t feel like anxiety in the way that I think anxiety should feel. It hits in waves. Some days it is just this little tiny off feeling that I can’t really define and other days it kind of knocks me over. Sometimes it comes out as irritation with everything and everybody and results in an emotion explosion, and sometimes it shows up in withdrawal. It is in those withdrawn moments that I feel like the depression starts sneaking in – when even the things that usually bring me joy feel more like an obligation. In the back of my mind I hear a little voice saying, “Just keep swimming!” but that constant push and pull of the sinking and then the swimming is exhausting.

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School Days

Here we are again. It’s been a while since I have posted anything here. We have had a whirlwind of a summer. I feel like summer had really just begun these last couple weeks and here we are starting school again.

This was the summer of “The Move.” We finally bought a house. It is terrifying – the financial responsibility home ownership after renting for so long. But, it was definitely time to do it. We spent most of the month of May getting the new house ready – painting, cleaning, etc. The kids got out of school June 7th and we moved June 8th. Then, amidst unpacking and trying to get settled in the new house, we spent most of June cleaning, painting, and fixing up the old rental house before we turned the keys over. July sped by as we worked on getting settled and here we are already in the middle of August (still with some boxes to unpack) and school has started.

There are so many reasons we wanted to move, but the primary reason has always been to get the kids in better schools. One day in and I am so incredibly grateful for the school district we are now in. The supports they have built into the school day for the kids are amazing. Teachers and counselors have been extremely responsive. The higher expectations they have for their students are laid out from the beginning. I am so excited about the options and opportunities they will have here. Even my oldest, for whom school is rather challenging (and who hates change and new experiences) had a great first day yesterday and is very positive about everything so far.

The hardest part of school starting is going to be adjusting to a new schedule. The bus is coming at 6:40 for the big kids, which is a huge difference from what they are used to. And a huge difference for me. My new wake up time is 5:30 a.m. Let’s just say I’m not a morning person and neither are my kids. The bus thing is all new as well. For the last 9 years, I have driven kids to school every morning. It is strange to put them on a bus and trust someone else to get them to school and back home.

The benefit of this schedule, however, is a little quiet time to myself in the mornings in between the bigs leaving and the little one getting up. I don’t know how long I’ll keep it up, but for two days in a row now I’ve been showered and ready to start my day at 6:30. Since Caleb’s bus doesn’t come until almost 8:00, I have a little time to just do my thing before I even need to wake him. Today, I’m writing. Not that this is anything amazing, but knocking the cobwebs down in this space is a good thing. I’m hoping to spend more time writing, reading, photo editing, maybe even exercising (!). I’m sure a routine will work itself out over time. For now, I’m just enjoying the quiet in this space.

We also added this guy to our family about a month ago. Phoenix is an almost 10-month-old Jack Russell Terrier. His family needed to re-home him due do some medical and scheduling issues and I’m so happy that we were able to add him to our family. He is super energetic, but also so sweet and loving – just not so much toward the cats. We’re working on some training, but he loves to go on walks (and runs) and is getting me out exercising as well which is a great thing. I’m totally smitten.

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Taking Stock: November

When life gets to the point of insane-crazy-i-can’t-take-one-more-thing is usually when I most feel the desire to write. Sadly, it is also the time when I can barely keep a thought straight in my head long enough to write it down. So, naturally, I’ve been wanting to write like crazy lately, but there has been absolutely no way I could do it. By the end of the day my brain is mush. Then today I came across this post by my friend Cass during a quick brain break and got inspired. I love the “Taking Stock” idea – short, sweet, and directed so my mind can’t wander too far! Here’s my take:

Making : Crocheting a Luigi Cap (of the Super Mario variety) for Zach. He saw one for sale at a carnival and really wanted it. I opted to buy the $4 ball of yarn and make it myself.

Cooking : Mostly just anything that comes frozen and can be thrown in the oven quickly (life needs to slow down). But, I’m really craving my favorite pumpkin cranberry bread recipe and suspect that it will be happening as soon as I have a chance.

Drinking : Diet Coke (always) and the last few Woodchuck Summer Time Ciders. I’m always sad when they disappear off the store shelves at the end of the summer.

Reading: The Pursuit of Holiness by Jerry Bridges, S.H.A.P.E. by Erik Rees, and The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller, all for a class/Bible study that I’m currently a part of. With all of that I haven’t had time for any pleasure reading other than a daily stroll through Facebook.

Trawling: Instagram – because sometimes I just want to see pretty things.

Wanting: Clothes that fit and flatter my currently more-flabby-than-it-should-be figure, and shoes that don’t make my feet hurt after being in them all day.

Looking: At the clean surface of my kitchen table because it is the only clean surface in my house at the moment.

Deciding: If I should finish this or just give up and go to bed. I’m kinda on a roll, but my eyes are getting sooooooo heavy.

Wishing: That my house would magically clean itself. I mean, who doesn’t want that?

Enjoying: Having some “alone” time in the kitchen while the rest of the fam is hanging out in the living room watching tv and playing video games. It’s kind of the best of both worlds, though it would be better if my comfy chair could also be in the quiet kitchen with me.

Wondering: If I will ever feel like there is enough time to do it all, or if I will just always fill 110% of the time I have and always feel like there is never enough.

Loving: Firebrand Collective and everything they are doing for the KC creative community. I just wish my schedule allowed me to participate in more of their awesome hangouts and co-working times.

Pondering: Whether or not I want to go back to school, or better yet, whether I have the stamina to keep up with it, a full-time job, a side business, and my family.

Listening: To Caleb describing why he needs to get the toothpicks wet that he’s carrying around.

Considering: Whether or not I should be concerned about the fact that he is carrying toothpicks around and needing them to be wet.

Buying: Christmas gifts….ssshhhhh!

Watching: This Is Us. Best new show that I’ve seen recently. It’s not quite filling the Parenthood hole yet, but I am definitely enjoying it.

Hoping: That I get to sleep in tomorrow morning without being disturbed. For the first time in at least two months, we have nothing scheduled for Saturday morning.

Marvelling: At my friend’s brand new grandson and the crazy progression of time. His mother was barely three when I first met her and now she has her own baby boy.

Cringing: At the current political climate of the United States. I’m both anxious and terrified for the upcoming election.

Needing: A good night’s sleep – preferably more than the five or so hours I normally get.

Questioning: Why I’m still doing this even though I probably should be in bed sleeping.

Smelling: Home. But I kinda wish I was smelling some freshly baked chocolate chip cookies at the moment.

Wearing: Jeans and a hoodie – my favorite Fall/Winter combo

Admiring: My friends who stand firm in their beliefs and are not afraid to speak their mind, no matter who the audience may be.

Bookmarking: Pixeden. I found some awesome textures to download that really completed some recent photos I took. I’ll definitely be visiting there again.

Disliking: That the days are getting so much shorter. I hate leaving for school/work when it is still dark outside and I hate even more that it is dark when I come back home. I need the sunlight.

Feeling: Overwhelmed and worn out. Between our crazy family schedule and a huge software changeover at work I just feel like I haven’t had any time to just be. I’m actually welcoming the slow down of winter this year.

Helping: My kid with lots and lots of homework. We had to crack down a bit after we found out that it wasn’t getting completed (even when we were told it was) and actually handed in. Now I’m on homework duty nightly to make sure it is finished and to help as necessary.

Hearing: Mythbusters on the TV. My kids absolutely love watching it and I love that they are actually learning while they watch it.

Celebrating: A successful first volleyball season for Evie. Her team may not have won a lot of games (or, you know, any) but she learned a lot about volleyball and how to work together as a team and had a blast doing it. We’re both looking forward to the Spring season!

Pretending: That I have it all together and that I can actually get 19,384,230 things done in a 24-hour period.

Embracing: The craziness of this life. We’ve had a wacky, super-full schedule lately but it is winding down after busy sports seasons and adjusting to a new school schedule. Now it is time to start the holiday craziness instead!

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Welcome, 2013!

My snow bunnies!

So it is a brand new year. 2012 was wonderful in many ways, but also, one of the most difficult of my life. Caleb joined our family early in the year and threw a bit of a wrench into our routines (and our bank account). I pretty much feel like I’ve been running non-stop since February. We all adore him, it has just been…busy.

2013 will bring a lot of changes to our household. For starters, my full-time job will become part-time next month. It is scary, as my pay will also decrease accordingly, but I’m also looking forward to being home with the kids more. I plan to focus more on my photography and work on building up my portrait business. If I can’t make it work in the next few months, I’ll be seeking a new full-time job, but I really want to give it a shot and see where I can get. In the meantime, if anyone has any odd jobs they need done (that they want to pay me for), let me know!

Fortunately, Hubby’s job is still in tact and going well. He’s busier than he would like to be, but the overtime pay will help us out a little. Our church band, that he has been playing in for the last 3 years or so, pretty much dissolved over the last few months, so he has some free time anyway. If anyone needs a bass guitar player, he’s looking for someone to play with.

Zach was tested for and accepted into his school district’s gifted enrichment program last semester. He gets to start the program next week and is super excited about it. He’ll be sent to another building one day a week and will get to participate in some really fun learning activities there. I am just praying that the extra challenge will excite him and not frustrate him. They also roped me into signing up for the school’s PTSA, so I now have another obligation to fulfill.

Evie is loving preschool and can not wait to start Kindergarten next year. She has been a big challenge parenting-wise this last year and I’m really hoping that she will benefit from being home in the afternoons when my job goes part-time. She’ll be going to preschool in the mornings and then will be home with me in the afternoons. Hopefully, having some quiet time with mom while Caleb naps will give her a bit of what she’s been missing. Being the middle child is hard. With a demanding baby brother always needing my attention, and a big brother who often needs help with homework, she tends to get left out.

Caleb is growing so fast and becoming more independent. He is a very determined child and wants to be free to roam all over the house. Unfortunately, that doesn’t work out so well when he wants to put every tiny thing he sees into his mouth. He is so very close to taking his first steps, and I’m hoping once he starts walking that all of the tiny pieces of fuzz on the carpet won’t be so enticing. While I am a little sad to see him growing up so fast, I’m also looking forward to being out of the baby stages. I really can’t wait for toddlerhood this time around. Assuming he will finally start sleeping through the night again, this next year with him is going to be so much fun.

I’m both excited and a little nervous about all the changes coming for our family. I’ve never really been one to make (or stick to) resolutions, but I do have a few goals for this year that I would like to see through. First, and foremost, I plan to get Caleb sleeping through the night again (preferably in his own bed). If I can make that happen, I feel like everything else will fall into place. It is amazing what a full night’s sleep can do for your motivation! I also want to start running again (which can happen once Caleb starts sleeping), and get my house cleaned out and in order (so. much. junk. taking. over.).

Besides the personal goals, I have some big-time goals with my photography business. I’m kind of at a place where I feel like it is now or never. I need to push myself out of my comfort zone and really give it a go. If I fail, then it is time to move on.

Bring it, 2013!

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The End of Summer

I had to actually scroll back a couple pages to see when the last time I actually wrote something was – two months ago. I honestly have no idea how time moves so fast. I used to sit around wishing for the weekends to come and the weekdays would seem so long. Now I wish even the weekdays would slow down.

So, summer ended and the school year began. Zach is in 2nd grade this year and so far things are going really well. He has a male teacher, which I was a little worried about because he seems to have issues with male authority figures. He also happens to have a young female student teacher who will be with his class the entire year, so I think that is adding a buffer that has been very good for him. I haven’t heard any complaints so far, other than the basic “I don’t want to go to school because I want to stay home and watch TV” type of complaints.

1st day of 2nd grade! #daily

Evie started preschool this year. She was very much ready for this change, even though I worried unnecessarily about the transition. She was slightly hesitant the first day when I dropped her off, but on the second day she ran off to play without even telling my good-bye. She is really enjoying it so far, although she did tell me that I take too long to come back.

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Summer went by so fast that we didn’t get to do a lot of the fun things we had planned, but we did squeeze in a little more fun. We finally made it to the Missouri State Fair this year and the kids had a blast! They loved riding all of the rides and were so sad when it was time to leave.

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We also made our yearly trip to the lake over Labor Day weekend. It was Caleb’s first trip to the lake with us and while he wasn’t a fan of his life jacket, he did seem to enjoy the boat rides and swimming in the lake. It rained the first day we were there, leaving the water quite chilly, but he didn’t seem to mind. He was having way too much fun splashing to care!

First ride on Grandpa's boat! Me and my girl

Caleb is growing and changing so fast. I’ll save the details for another post (coming soon! I promise!), but he has basically gone from sweet little baby who eats and sleeps to semi-mobile baby who wants to play, play, play! He does not want to sit still for any reason.

7 months! #daily

Life is moving to fast for me to sit back and reflect much these days. I’ve had some fantastic photo shoots with some beautiful families. I love photography more and more every day. Sadly, my own photos are sitting on my computer waiting to receive some love because I haven’t had the time to sort them the last couple months. I’m weeks behind on laundry and housework, but I’m spending every spare moment I have snuggling on my last baby before I blink my eyes and he is grown.

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Unblocked

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There’s something about pregnancy that seems to give me a creative block. I’m not sure if it is simply my body just being too tired to care or what, but during my last two pregnancies, I’ve been blocked. My ability to write, or create anything really, just seems to disappear.

Fortunately, after the babies are out, it all comes back. Right now my head is churning with all of the things I want to write, create, and photograph. There is so much going on up there that I can’t decide where to start. Perhaps the best place to start is to take a nap so I can stay awake long enough to complete a thought.

One thing that needs to be a priority, is the design of this blog. For some reason, I suddenly hate the layout and look of the whole thing. My writing and frequency has changed a lot over the last couple of years and I feel like it is time to change things up a bit.  So, as soon as I can find the time to sit down and think, there will definitely be some changes.  A change in design tends to encourage me to write more as well, and I’m told that people actually do like to read what I write so I suppose that’s a good thing.



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