Category: Living the Life

It seems like everyone around me is suddenly pregnant.  My sister (less than a month to go!), my sister-in-law, my cousin, online friends, friends of friends…the list goes on and on.  But there’s one person who isn’t pregnant.  Me.

I try really hard not to let it get to me, but sometimes it does.  I was going along just fine until today.  Today is when I got the news that my cousin is pregnant and even though I was thrilled to hear the news, it somehow hit me in a bad way.

I can’t seem to get it off my mind.  I know that all will happen in God’s time and that I have to be patient, but it is hard to be patient when you really want something.  It is hard to be patient when you see so many people around you that have what you want.

I want Zach to have a little brother or sister to play with.  I want to watch them grow up together.  I want to cuddle with a teeny tiny baby again.  I want Zach to cuddle with that teeny tiny baby. 

I know I’m lucky to have Zach and I am extremely lucky that I had a very easy pregnancy with no scares and no problems whatsoever.  I just wish I knew the magic secret to making it happen again.

Don’t get me wrong, I am very excited for all of the babies that will soon be in my life.  I can’t wait to hold my new nephew next month and to find out whether my sister-in-law will be having a boy or girl later in the year.   I just wish I could be adding another tot to the family as well.

I’ve been hinting around lately that my blog is going to be a little more public soon and today is the big day.  A couple of weeks ago I was contacted by a writer at the Kansas City Star who wanted to feature my blog in an article he was writing.  At first I was pretty excited about it, but then I had to stop and think for a few minutes.

Up until now I have kept this blog very private.  I only recently decided to share it with my husband and even that was a big step for me.  Allowing my name to be printed and associated with this blog is a pretty scary thing.  It means that anyone who does a google search for my name has an all access pass to my innermost thoughts.  Well, the innermost thoughts that I choose to publish online anyway.  It means that my family, my boss, and anyone else who really wants to find me can and most likely will.  The chances of the article sliding by unnoticed by anyone I know are very slim.  A lot of people around here read the paper.

I debated back and forth about whether to back out, but in the end decided that maybe it is time that I come out of the closet.  My biggest fear is that someone will read my words, take them the wrong way, and be offended.  It may be scary, or even downright terrifying, but at the same time I imagine it will be very freeing.  I no longer have to hide something that has become such a huge part of who I am. 

I think I may be making a big deal about nothing really.  I guess I’ll find out soon. 

You can read the article here, if you haven’t already seen it (You have to click on the link to "Meet More of KC’s Bloggers" to get to me.  I’m the last one).  If you have read it and followed the link here, welcome!  Please leave a comment and say hello.  If you are family and you are discovering my blog for the first time, um, I’m not sure what to say really.  Enjoy?

If you are new, you’ll find that my writing is a little sporadic in content.  You might want to check out some of these recent posts to learn a little more about me:

• No Longer With the Band
• The Day That Changed My World
• The Drive
• Music of 1996
• Looking Forward Instead of Backward
• A Few of My Favorite Things

And, because I’m just nice like that, here’s a list of other blogs featured in the article:

• Surrender, Dorothy
• K City
• Death’s Door
• Tony’s Kansas City
• Kansas City Kitty
• Bookpusher
• M.Toast
• Noodletown
• Living in the Scoot Utopia
• Heycameraman
• Happy in Bag
• Plaza Jen
• We’re Not in Kansas Anymore, Toto

**I’ve had to edit a couple of times already this morning, but it looks like everything is correct now.  The online version of the article had some details incorrect but they have been fixed.

Some days I feel so lost.  It is as if I am standing still and time moves on without me.  There seems to be a whirlwind of activity around me, yet I can’t force myself to be a part of it.  Instead I choose to sink into myself, into my own little world where things are calm.  I suppose that is my escape mechanism.  It is how I fend off the feeling of being overwhelmed with life.  When the responsibility and the guilt get to be too much, I run away.  I hide within myself.  That’s where I am today.  Don’t try to find me.

This whole Daylight Saving Time thing is kicking my butt today.  Yesterday wasn’t a big deal because it was Sunday and I didn’t have to get up quite so early.  Today, on the other hand, is sucking big time because my body thinks I should still be in bed.  I was very tempted to hurl the alarm clock across the room when it went off this morning, and I might have done just that if I was a little more awake at the time.  Instead I slammed my hand down on the snooze button, only to have the alarm go off again in what seemed like a mere two seconds later.  Add to that the fact that I had to crawl out of bed when it was still very dark outside, and we have the makings of a very grumpy morning.

Zach didn’t adjust to the time change very well either.  He stayed up until about 8:30, but still wasn’t ready to go to sleep when I put him in bed.  He normally lays down and goes right to sleep when I take him to his room.  Last night I had to give him a book to get him to even lay down and I could still hear him playing around more than thirty minutes later.  I suppose that is why he was still sound asleep when I went in to get him up this morning.  I even gave him a good twenty minutes extra to sleep since I was running late myself.

We had a pretty good weekend, although I could have used another day or two off work.  We got to hang out with my sis and her family, watch a few movies, play at the park, and just relax.  The weather was beautiful and is making me really anxious for the Spring and Summer months.  Hopefully we won’t have any more cold blasts coming our way until Fall.  The only bad part is that my allergies are kicking it into high gear all of a sudden.  So, if you see some crazy lady running around rubbing her itchy red eyes and constantly blowing her drippy nose, that’s probably me.  I’ll be coping with the tub of chocolate chip cookie dough in my fridge.

Sometimes I really just wish my brain had an “off” switch.  I’ve had bouts of insomnia at least since my early high school days.  It could have started even before that but I just don’t remember.  It has been bad enough at times that it has required medication, but other times it just lasts for a few days or weeks and then it is over. 

Since I got pregnant with Zach, way back in 2004(!), being able to sleep really hasn’t been an issue.  The exhaustion that comes along with pregnancy and child-rearing has been enough to keep the insomnia at bay.  Every once in a while, however, I get a glimpse of those sleepless nights of my past. 

There are nights when I just can’t get my brain to shut off.  I lay awake with my mind racing, all the while desperately wanting to just shut down and sleep.  When I finally do get to sleep, I’m restless.  I’ll awake in the middle of the night to a quiet house and wonder why my body refuses to give in.  My thoughts move from one trivial thing to the next until I am finally able to drift off again.

When the alarm sounds I sometimes beg for just a few more minutes of precious sleep.  Other times, like this morning, I am relieved to finally hear that crude sound telling me that it is time to get up.  Even though my head aches and my eyes burn from the lack of sleep, getting up and having something to do is better than being left alone with my thoughts.