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Slowly Opening the Door

I’ve been thinking a lot this week about what I write on this blog.  As I get more and more interested in writing I find that my need to expose this blog is becoming greater.  This is the largest collection of my writing that exists (even though it is actually quite small).  The majority of my thoughts written with pen and paper have been destroyed at some point (usually in fits of rage), with the exception of a few research papers that were written for school.  Even though many of the posts here are quite mundane, I love seeing the progression of my writing.  I think I have drastically improved since the beginning of my first blog (I wrote elsewhere before I came here).

The thought of my real life family and friends reading the words I have written here absolutely terrifies me.  Opening it up to Hubby was hard enough.  I am not they type to talk openly about my feelings.  In fact, I generally try to hide my true feelings even from myself.  There are parts of me that not even my closest friends know about.  Blogging has helped me to express thoughts and feelings that previously only existed inside my head.  It has helped me discover so much about myself and to come out of my shell a little bit.  It taught me about self-expression, and about how good it feels when someone else really gets you.

Blogging has helped me to branch out and explore possibilities that I never would have considered in the past.  I applied for online writing positions and actually got one.  I have become much more interested in photography, even though I still don’t have the equipment to be able to branch out much with it.  I even started knitting after reading about so many other bloggers that were making such cool things.  It has even pointed me to books that I really need to be reading. 

I’m not sure where I’m really trying to go with this, except to say that blogging has done so many good things for me.  It has become increasingly harder not to mention my blog in casual conversations.  It is even more difficult not to mention all of the really great people that I have “met” through blogging.  I find myself saying, “I was talking to this online friend today…” entirely too much and eventually people are going to start wondering who in the heck I’m talking to.  I think I am closer to my online friends than my real life friends these days.

My fear and lack of confidence in myself have kept me from sharing this web page with the people in my life that I care about the most.  As time goes by I feel my false sense of privacy that I once had here closing in and I wonder if I should not just go ahead and tell them all Plain Jane style.  Regardless of whether I tell them or not, it is going to come out, at least to those that live near me-if they are paying attention.  The thought of that makes my heart sink and my head get a little dizzy, but I think perhaps it is time.  I’m a little tired of living in the closet.

So, back to where I started.  I have been thinking a lot about what I write on this site.  I’ve been cleaning things up a little bit and will probably continue to do so over the next few weeks.  A few archived entries may disappear.  I have written some things that may not have really been appropriate to share and those will be unpublished.  I also want to finish copying and pasting in some older entries from my previous blog site so if you are reading via a feed you might be seeing some strange stuff coming through.  Specifically, I want to copy all of my pregnancy and Zach-related entries over here so that they are all in the same place.

I most likely will be adjusting my writing style a little bit too as I open this site up to my real life.  Self-censorship has always been my biggest concern with sharing this site and I hope that I will be able to continue the honesty that I have always had here.  I may just have to be a little more careful about how I say things in the future.

My biggest hope is that all of my regular readers will stick around while I’m transitioning a bit.  I’m a little terrified and a little excited right now.  I just hope you will all continue on this roller coaster ride with me because I love every single one of you.

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  1. And we love you! Yay for online friends!

    I also just wanted you to know that when I found out my flight from Houston to Newark was canceled, I looked into flights from Houston to you. Turns out, those are still flying.

    I know that you are going to be busy this weekend and it didn’t seem right for me to just show up on your doorsteps (although I promise that I would bring presents, maybe even some for the Hubs this time).

    Just think about all the amazing live blogging we could do together though….*sigh*

  2. I made that decision a long time ago… The blog was mainly for my far off family to read and I didn’t need a lot of negative stuff in there that they didn’t care about. Once awhile I do write a nasty rant, but I keep it in my drafts.
    I’m excited to read your new and improved blog, you sound like you are really growing with it.

  3. I told most of my family and friends about my blog, and they came to visit a couple times but don’t really read it on a regular basis — so you can expect some traffic at first, but then if they are not all that into the computer blog world, they will just drop off. So be prepared just in case — I took some of that personally, like “man, I open up and they are not interested in me”…but the medium isn’t for everyone.

    Also, part of why I switched to livejournal was that you can limit the number of people who can view posts (restrict to friends only or even keep entirely private). That helped me lock away some of the things that I didn’t want the general world to know, while letting them read the day to day stuff. I don’t know if this client has a feature like that, but it’s worth looking into.

  4. I for one LOVE roller coasters!!! I’ll be hanging in there with ya!!! (Ever known a bear who loves roller coasters?)

    Polar Bear

  5. hey there. for some reason, bloglines didn’t send this through until today, but i just wanted you to know that i am TOTALLY behind you during this transition. this regular reader is sticking around, no doubt. opening up can be scary, but sometimes it can be a really freeing thing. i love that my mom reads and comments on my blog, even though sometimes i know that it’s hard for her. you’ll pull through just fine, i have no doubts. you’re a great lady, and i’m looking forward to the roller coaster. 🙂

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