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Month: March 2006

I Cheated

I’ve been doing really well on my diet so far this week.  Well, until today anyway.  I gave in to temptation and had one of these for lunch. Every single bite was worth it…even if I gain back the pound and a half that I’ve lost this week.

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Morning Panic

Today started out like any other weekday.  Zach (thankfully) slept all night, which means that I slept all night so I got up on time, showered and quickly got ready for work.  We actually left on time for a change.  I dropped Zach off at day care and went on to work. 

Here’s where the fun part started.  About 20 minutes after I got to work my phone rang.  For some reason, no caller ID showed up, so I picked up the phone not sure what to expect.  As soon as I said hello the voice on the other end said, "You need to come pick Zach up right now.  He fell down the steps and he seems ok but you better have him checked."  So, I said I would be right there and rushed out the door to go get my baby. 

On the way there, which is about a 10-15 minute drive, I’m thinking of all kinds of terrible awful things that I think could happen to a kid that falls down a big flight of stairs.  Then I started picturing all the movie scenes I’ve seen where someone falls down a flight of stairs and snaps their neck and dies.  By the time I got there I was totally in a panic, not sure exactly what I was going to see.

Of course I had really over-dramatized things in my head.  When I got to day care, I could see him sitting in the high chair in the kitchen playing with some toys.  He had a cut in his mouth that had already stopped bleeding.  He was a little fussy, but otherwise seemed just fine.  I packed him up, stopped at the house to grab the diaper bag and a bottle and brought him to work with me.

I haven’t gotten a whole lot of work done today, but I do have to say thank God for noggin.com or I wouldn’t have gotten anything done at all.  All I had to do was turn on the Jack’s Big Music Show videos and he was entertained.  We went out for lunch with my mom, and now he is all snuggled up sleeping in his stroller.  Hopefully I’ll get at least another hour out of that nap to get some work done.  Ugh, he’s starting to squirm.  So much for that hour.

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Are You Getting Excited?

I am getting so pumped up for the May 2nd release of Pearl Jam’s new album. It has been a while since I really got anxious for a cd release.  My music tastes tend to change frequently, week to week, day to day, or sometimes even by the hour, but one band that I never get tired of is Pearl Jam.

When I first heard the new single, Worldwide Suicide, I had a hard time listening to the lyrics because of what had just recently happened.  The line "Could not stop staring at the Face I’d never see again" haunted me for several days.  Now that some time has gone by and I have listened to the song many more times, hearing the word "suicide" doesn’t bother me quite as much.  I can now appreciate it for what it is, a kick-ass new PJ song.  A friend also e-mailed me the track "Unemployable" which I totally dig. 

I am now totally jealous of that friend because he is going all the way to New York to see a PJ show in June and I’ll be sitting at home just wishing I was there.  I keep remembering how much fun I had on the road trip to Knoxville to see PJ when I was in college.  It doesn’t get much better than 4 friends trecking across the country to see their favorite band.  Perhaps someday I’ll share that story (and maybe even scan some pictures), but it was one of the most fun trips I have ever taken.

Those kind of road trips are now pretty much out of the question being that I have a husband who is *gasp!* not a PJ fan (I try to keep that on the down low as much as possible) and a baby to take care of.  Hubby has been informed however, that I will be going to the KC show with or without him, assuming that they do in fact come to KC and that it is not during the time that we will be out of town.

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Babies and Memories

I recently heard through the grapevine that one of my exes and his wife are expecting a baby.  I honestly couldn’t be more happy for him.  I always pictured him being a really great father.  He was my first really serious boyfriend in high school and my first true love.  He was the first boy I ever imagined myself married to, as well as the first I ever imagined having babies with.  I think I even had those imaginary babies’ names picked out.  He also picked on me constantly, which for some strange reason, made me like him even more.

It is odd that even after so many years I can still care so deeply about someone who I barely even know now.  I’m the kind of person that once I love you, I will always love you, regardless of how things turn out in the end…even if you dump me because I’m not willing to put out.  Hey, who am I to question a 16-year-old boy’s motives?  Well, maybe that wasn’t the whole reason, but I’m pretty sure that had something to do with it.  I have always wondered a little bit what would have happened if I would have given in.

We have kept in touch here and there, although over the last few years it has really gotten to be only an e-mail every six months or so, maybe less.  I even went to visit him and his wife a few years ago.  Hubby just happened to be working where the ex lived and we got together with him and his wife for dinner.  It was only a little bit weird with his wife and my future hubby sitting next to us.  I had a great time seeing him.  Looking straight into his eyes still made me squirm a little bit even after so many years had gone by.

This summer is supposed to be our 10-year high school reunion and even though I ended up moving before graduation, I was planning on attending.  However, I just found out the date for it and it just happens to be the same time that we were planning to go on vacation.  The vacation can’t be re-scheduled because part of the vacation is going to Phoenix for hubby’s brother’s wedding.  The rest of the time we are spending with hubby’s parents.  Given the recent circumstances, I think the time with his parents is extremely important.

I was really hoping to see him at the reunion, along with a few other people that I have lost touch with over the years.  I’m a little bummed now that I won’t get to see them.  Personally, I think that they should re-schedule the whole reunion for me, but I guess that’s a bit too much to ask for someone who didn’t really even graduate there. 

Perhaps somewhere along the way our paths will meet again someday, but I’m not holding my breath.  I guess an e-mail every six months or even every year will have to do.  But, he has been notified that if I don’t receive some baby pictures I will make the 3 1/2 hour drive and kick his ass!

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A New Feeling

As I got out of the shower this morning I could hear Zach screaming.  He has recently decided that if mommy is more than two feet away from him that it is just entirely too far.  I knew the screaming would stop as soon as I picked him up, but also that once I picked him up there was no putting him down unless I wanted the screaming to commence again.  So I stuck a pacifier in his mouth as I rushed around trying to get dressed and make myself presentable for work.

I went to my closet, grabbed a pair of jeans and a shirt, threw them on, and then sat down to put on my shoes.  As I sat, I caught a glimpse of myself in the full-length mirror next to my closet and thought, "Damn, I look good!"

I honestly don’t remember ever feeling that way about myself before.  As I have mentioned before, I have always felt like I was fat, whether I was or not.  The shirt I put on this morning has not been worn for probably two years, if not more.  The last time I wore it I couldn’t even button it, it was so tight.  I used to always wear it open with a tank top under it.  Even the sleeves fit tightly on my arms.  It has a little bit of stretch to it, so it still worked and didn’t look too bad (or so I thought at the time).  Today I put it on and buttoned it up without even giving it a second thought.  When I saw myself in the mirror, I was amazed at how loosely it fit. 

I have really been beating myself up lately because I have been totally slacking on the dieting.  There has been so much happening in my life in the last couple of months that it has been near impossible to control exactly what I am eating.  I finally got back on track last week and re-lost 3 of the pounds that I’ve been fighting with during that time.  As of today, I am back down to the weight that I was 6 weeks ago, with a total loss since November 1st of 31.5 pounds.

What surprises me the most, even though I still have a long way to go before I reach my goal, is that for the first time in my life I really feel comfortable with my weight.  Ten years ago I would have thought that I was huge at this weight, but I’m not a teenager anymore.  I am quickly nearing 30 years old.  My metabolism has most likely slowed way down.  I have a beautiful baby boy that I carried and gave birth to.  My body is not the body of an 18-year-old girl and I am satisfied with that.

I do plan to continue the diet and try to reach my goal.  That will require me to lose another 26 pounds yet.  If I feel this good now, I can’t wait to see how good I feel then.   If it weren’t for those nasty stretch marks and the jiggly baby tummy that Zach left me with, I might have even considered buying a bikini to wear at the lake this summer!

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Shhh…don't tell

I’ve been afraid to say anything because I’m really scared that I might jinx everything.  So, I’m not going to tell you that Zach has been sleeping through the night on a pretty regular basis for about a week and a half now.  Or, that lastnight he slept for an amazing 11 hours straight without a single peep out of him.  I certainly can’t tell you how my body is reacting to the whole getting to sleep thing and that the more sleep I get the more I want.  And, no, it sure isn’t me who has been falling asleep at 9:00 or 9:30 every night and actually sleeping until 6:30 the next morning.

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I’m also not going to tell you that I am almost done with the whole breastfeeding thing.  That would make me too sad.  Not sad in that I want to continue breastfeeding, but sad because he just doesn’t seem to need it anymore.  Sure, he still yanks on my shirt when he is hungry, but that’s just because he has learned to tell me like that.  He’s perfectly happy with a bottle…or sometimes even a sippy cup…of formula.  I will miss that quiet bonding time with him.

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I’m not going to tell you how my baby is almost 9 months old and is not very baby-like anymore except for the fact that he cannot speak in full sentences or walk upright without holding onto something.  And, I’m not going to tell you how sad it makes me that he is getting so big and has a mind of his own.  I don’t want to admit how he no longer needs all of the snuggling and cuddling that we used to do because he would rather be in the floor playing with his piles and piles of toys.  I don’t want to talk about how he has become such a picky eater and I can’t just shove a jar of mashed up baby food down him in ten minutes when I’m in a hurry.  I definitely am not going to talk about how watching him learn to be more independent almost has me in tears.

So, I’m not going to tell you all about any of that.  You’ll just have to wait until I’m ready.

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