Month: March 2006

Over the last couple of days I have read many blogs talking about the coming of spring and I just can’t help but get excited.  We got a little taste of it over the weekend and I want it back!  Spring to me is all about renewal.  I love seeing the trees and flowers blooming, the grass turning green, and the sun shining brightly.  It gives me an energy that I don’t have at any other time of year.  Oh yeah, then of course there is this too.

Saturday was an absolutely beautiful day here.  I woke up with the sun shining through my bedroom windows and started the day in a great mood.  We lounged around the house for a bit and then when I just couldn’t stand it anymore I had to get outside and experience the nice weather.  For the first time EVER (well, in a very, very, long time anyway) I actually convinced hubby to go for a walk with me.  We put Zach in the stroller and walked around the neighborhood.  It felt great to be outside and Zach really enjoyed it.

While we were strolling around, we decided to have a spur of the moment get-together with some friends.  We called up my sister and a couple of other friends and invited them over for a barbeque.  We had a great time eating, drinking, and visiting.  Then we all settled down and watched the movie "Just Friends" which was hilarious.  (I broke down and allowed myself to drink 4 absolutely wonderful margaritas.  They are totally off-limits with my diet since one 12 oz. margarita is more than half of my daily point intake, but damn they tasted good!)

There is always a bad side of spring also, which we experienced this weekend as well.  Living in the midwest, you just can’t escape the possibility of thunderstorms and tornados.  Sunday was proof of that.  Fortunately, our area and all of my family and friends were spared.  Hubby was on call for work and was out most of the day due to downed power lines and such.  He was amazed at some of the destruction he saw in Lawrence and other areas.  He has lived through hurricanes but was still surprised at the damage that was caused by the storms.

Unfortunately, the storms brought the cold back and I’m now anxiously awaiting the return of the Spring weather.  I’m a little bummed out, but I known that the cold won’t last much longer.  I’m ready for flip-flops, tank tops, and sunshine.  I can’t wait for afternoons in the park, having a drink on the patio, barbeques, baseball, and letting Zach play in the grass.  It’s just around the corner.

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If there is one thing I have learned in the last 2 weeks, it is that when you are hurting words of encouragement from friends and loved ones can help to ease the burden on your heart.  In the days preceding and following my brother-in-law’s funeral so many people offered kind words and thoughts to our family.  I tried to stay strong for my husband, his brother, their parents, and my sister-in-law and help them to work through the grief they were facing.  I tried to be as encouraging and loving as I possibly could for them.  Of course I was grieving also, but I like to think that my strength helped to hold them up at a time when they really needed the support.

When we returned home Friday afternoon I felt numb.  I was exhausted from the week and I guess things were finally starting to sink in a little bit.  Over the weekend I had a really hard time getting my mind off of what had happened.  Even on Monday, the reality of the situation still hadn’t completely sunk in.  As the week goes on, I think each day I am processing a little bit more.

I don’t really know if you ever completely recover from a heartache such as I have experienced.  A good friend helped me to realize that even though it pains us that he is gone, regardless of the circumstances, it was his time to go.  I am sure that somewhere, somehow, something good will come out of his death and we will most likely never know what that is.

I am finally starting to feel like I am ready to move on.  My life needs to return to some kind of normalcy.  Hubby and I have started getting back to our regular routine.  There is a closeness between us now that has been missing for quite some time.  This experience has really pulled us together.  Our love for each other and for Zach is fiercer than ever before. 

I am feeling like writing again.  The last couple of posts felt forced.  I felt like I needed to write, but it was hard to get the words out.  This post has flowed quite easily.  I have been reminded once again of how strong the blogging community is.  Even though I don’t have a huge amount of readers, those that do read regularly know me.  Your comments this week have helped to comfort and encourage me in so many ways.  I may not have replied to all of them, but every single comment was appreciated.

 

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After everything that happened last week I find myself thinking that the things I write here are just so insignificant.  I find myself wanting to write so many things but the words will not come.  My life has changed so much in one short week.  I cannot even begin to describe how I’m feeling right now.  Perhaps in time the words will come, but until then I suppose I will continue with the insignificant daily drivel that has become my blog.

One highlight of last week was that I finally attended my very first Mardi Gras parade and tasted my first King Cake.  The parade was a small one in my hubby’s hometown and nothing compared to the New Orleans parades, but we had a decent time considering the circumstances of the week.  We arrived in Louisiana early Tuesday morning and by that afternoon hubby was needing to get out of the house for a bit and get his mind off of the situation we were facing.  So, we loaded Zach up in the stroller and walked down to the parade.  The parade was nice, but mostly just a distraction for us.  Here are a few pics from the parade:

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On February 23rd, 2006 my Brother-in-law turned 27 years old.  On February 27th, he chose to end his life.  There are so many questions and very few answers as to why he made that choice.  Right now, it still feels like a very bad dream that I will wake up from.  I know in my head that it is real and I have to deal with it, but it is so hard.  I loved him so much and he is gone forever.

Today I’m back at work, but it just doesn’t feel right to be here.  Everything is different now.  Everyone else is the same, but I am different and I just don’t know how to go on.

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