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The Time Is Now

Published by dee on June 13, 2008

I’m FAT.

F-A-T

Yes, I know I just had a baby. That’s no excuse. The baby weight? It is gone. I dropped nearly 30 pounds within a week of giving birth. The rest of the weight that I’m now carrying around is just plain fat. It is all of the sugary drinks, peanut butter M&M’s, pizza, cheeseburgers, french fries, ice cream, and fried chicken sandwiches that I’ve been stuffing in my face for the last 11 months because hey, “I’m eating for two!”

Don’t you know eating for two doesn’t stop once you have the baby? Well, not if you’re breastfeeding anyway. I have this insatiable hunger that just will not go away. It started in the last month of my pregnancy and has not let up. I can think of three times since Evie was born that I’ve actually felt full (or slightly over-full). The amount of food that I consume on a daily basis is really quite disgusting.

I know it is time to cut back, but it is so hard when I am just so hungry all the time. Yet, every time I look in the mirror I feel shame because I worked so hard to lose all of the weight that I am now carrying again. I hate myself for every bite I take yet I just can’t stop. I tell myself it is for the baby, but is it really? Or is it just the one way I have of gratifying myself when it seems like everything else is so out of control?

It really hit me a couple weeks ago when I was complaining to a friend about my hair. She commented that she really likes my hair better when it is short. My reply was that I do too, just not when my face is so fat. In that moment I realized that every time I gain weight, I start growing my hair out – like somehow I can hide my fat body with the hair on my head. When I was younger I related to “Cousin Itt” because I could easily hide my entire face by simply pushing my hair forward a bit. If only it were that easy.

I’ve hidden behind my massive head of hair for the majority of my life. Only when I’ve felt confident in myself have I had the guts to cut it short and those times usually correspond to weight loss. I’m not saying I want to cut my hair off again. I just want to feel that freedom and confidence that I’ve felt during those times and I’ve suddenly realized that it has nothing at all to do with my hair and everything to do with my weight.

I’m getting tired of hiding, of feeling so self-conscious that I don’t want to go out or even change clothes in front of my husband. It is time to get off my butt and do something about it. It is time for Weight Watchers again and this time I really want to stick it out and hit my goal weight. It is going to take a lot of work but I know if I could do it once, I can do it again.

Oh, and if anybody wants to buy me a Wii Fit, that would help too.

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Confessions: The Scout Signs Taunt Me

Published by dee on June 9, 2008

Over the last couple of years, Kansas City has developed the Scout system for traffic. Basically, it consists of huge overhead signs along the highway that tell you when there are major accidents, road closings, etc. When there are no accidents or other important messages being broadcast, it gives you a time estimate for the next couple of major exits. I’m sure they have similar systems in other cities, but this is the one I know. I’ve been pretty impressed with it since it started up. It even makes the drive home a little more entertaining sometimes.

For instance, when I’m driving home, I often see on the sign “470/71 10 min” or “State Line 4 min”. It is a nice service in a way because it helps you gauge what traffic is like and how long it is going to take you to get home. But, for people like me with a competitive nature, it becomes more of a challenge. When I see that it is going to take me 4 minutes to hit the State Line exit, I want to make it in 3 minutes, just to prove the sign wrong. If it says it will take me 10 minutes to 470/71, I want to make it in 8. When I do actually beat the sign (which is most of the time) I’m actually proud of myself. I feel like I’ve accomplished something.

The only thing I really hate about the Scout signs is when they say things like “470/71 40 min.” Then I might as well just sink down into my seat and crank up the music because I’m going to be sitting still for a while.

Surely I can’t be the only one that feels this way. Do the Scout signs taunt you too or do you just sit back and take them for what they are?

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Worth 1000 Words

Published by dee on June 4, 2008

Because words can’t even describe how I feel about these two.

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About Me Photo Mosaic

Published by dee on June 4, 2008

found this fun little meme on Average Jane’s blog and decided I wanted to play along. It was fun, you should do it too! Here’s my mosaic. The instructions are below if you want to try it too.

The concept:
1. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
2. Using only the first page of results, and pick one image.
3. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into Big Huge Lab’s Mosaic Maker to create a mosaic of the picture answers.

The questions:
1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food? right now?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. What is your favorite drink?
7. What is your dream vacation?
8. What is your favorite dessert?
9. What do you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. What is one word that describes you?
12. What is your flickr name?

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They Grow So Fast

Published by dee on May 31, 2008

Evie is getting bigger and bigger and discovering more about the world every day. A couple nights ago we sat down to dinner and I put her in the high chair. I had drug it out a few days before so she could sit with us while we eat, even though she’s really a bit too small for it still. The high chair has a toy on top of the tray that plays music. As we were sitting there eating, I noticed she was picking her arm up and aiming for the toy. She managed to hit the rolling part that starts the music. I watched as she did it a few more times then realized I should grab the video camera. As soon as I got the camera started up, she started getting fussy, but I did manage to catch her reaching for the roller a couple more times.

I get so excited as she meets these little milestones, but at the same time I just want to slow her down. I don’t want my baby to grow up!

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If I Could Just Make The World Stop

Published by dee on May 30, 2008

It has been five weeks now since I’ve been back to work. I knew the first couple of weeks would be hard, but figured once we got into a routine things would ease up a bit. Ha! Shows what I know.

Yes, we have managed to get into a bit of a routine, but things are not easier. I simply cannot keep up. If Hubby manages to get dinner fixed before I get home with the kids I feel like we have a head start on the evening. I usually end up nursing Evie at the dinner table while I scarf down my food just to save some time. Then there is bath time for the kids, a few minutes to play, potty breaks, diaper changes, teeth brushing, story reading, and finally bed time for Zach. If I’m lucky (and Zach stays in bed) I can nurse Evie to sleep so that I have a few minutes to fold a load of laundry, prepare her bottles for the next day, or do one of the other various tasks that is begging to be done.

Then it’s my time. I sit on the love seat, daughter in my arms, flip open my laptop, and catch up on some TV shows with the Hubby. That? Is the most relaxing part of my entire day. I need that time to unwind. I put off the things I need to be doing (paying bills, cleaning house) because I just can’t go any more. I reluctantly go to bed around 11:00 because I know it starts all over again the next day and the alarm will go off way too early (again).

I really don’t know how other people do it. After five weeks I am utterly exhausted. I wonder every morning if I really can make it through another day. My memory is pretty much non-existent. I forget where I’ve put things and sometimes even what I am doing. I nearly fall asleep at my desk every day. I have to write everything down or I’ll forget to do it. Heck, if I wasn’t drinking so much in an effort to keep myself awake all day I would probably forget to pee!

My husband had to remind me last night that our anniversary is next weekend. Um, I never forget important dates. I’ve been planning for Zach’s birthday party at the end of June for over a month now and I know that Father’s day is coming up (although I don’t know the exact date), but our anniversary? Totally slipped my mind. I felt like such a terrible wife in that moment – when he realized that I had actually forgotten – that I tried to think of ways to cover it up but I was just too tired to think that hard.

Something has to give soon. Even my weekends are busy. This weekend we’ve got a graduation party on Saturday and a baptism and lunch to attend on Sunday. In between those I’ll be frantically trying to clean my disastrous house up, sort through a monstrous pile of bills, fill out birthday party invitations, and spend just a little bit of quality time with my kids and Hubby. What I would much rather do, is sleep through the whole weekend.

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