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Hmmm.  Something seems different around here lately.  Oh, yeah.  It’s a new year.  When did that happen?  I’ve been so down and out the last few days weeks that everything just seems like a bit of a blur.  I’ve gone on and on about how wonderful Christmas was and how much I enjoyed the holidays but to be perfectly honest, it just wasn’t all that spectacular this year.  It wasn’t bad, it just was.  I don’t think I’ll ever look back at this holiday season and have any of those magical holiday memories.  Maybe it is part of growing up, or maybe my mental/emotional state is in much worse shape that I have allowed myself to acknowledge.  It certainly doesn’t help that I’ve been sick off and on for the last few weeks.

I usually find myself looking forward to a new year, but this year just seems different.  I don’t feel that sense of hope and excitement that I usually feel at this time.  I actually feel the opposite because it seems like the harder I try to improve my life the worse things seem to get.  And when things start getting worse I go into denial and try to just ignore the problems.  I have gotten to the point where I feel like all effort is futile so instead of trying I don’t do anything.

I suppose that is why there are no resolutions this year.  I never stick to them.  I never follow through or even look back at them after January so I suppose there really is no point.  I don’t even remember if I made resolutions or not last year.  I know I failed in most of the goals that I set throughout the year.  As much as I hate to admit it, 2006 was pretty much a year of failure for me.  The fact that I feel like I have been feeling lately tells me that I have not been taking good care of myself and that is indeed a big failure.  When I divorced my ex-husband, I promised myself that I would always put myself and my needs first and not succumb to others’ wants and wishes before my own.  So much for that.

I’ve been thinking a lot over the last couple of days and reading a lot of people’s resolutions for the new year.  The more I think about things, the more I feel like I just really need to get my life back on track.  Lately I just feel like I’m doing what everyone else wants (or needs) me to do and I’m not doing what I want to do.  I’m not living the life I want to live.  I’m not standing up for myself and my needs and it is time to change that.  Actually doing that will be a struggle for me, but I’m going to try a little harder.

Here’s a list, not of resolutions, but of things that I want to change about myself and my life so that I feel I am more in control:

• Learn to say no when someone asks me to do something I don’t want to do.  There’s no reason to make up an excuse to get out of going somewhere or doing something.  If I just feel like staying home, then I should be able to do so without feeling guilty.  I’m so tired of wearing myself out just to make others happy.
• Plan ahead for (healthy) meals to reduce the stress in trying to come up with meals at the last minute.  This also goes along with getting back on my diet and re-losing those 15 pounds plus another 15-20 pounds and getting myself back to a reasonably healthy weight.  My self-esteem has plummeted lately and I know this has a lot to do with it.  Plus, I just don’t feel good.
• Exercise more.  Not only will this help me lose the weight, but it will reduce stress, help me sleep better, and help me have more energy.  That’s what I’ve heard anyway.  All of those things would definitely be an improvement to my life.
• Improve my marriage.  I don’t even know where to begin with this one, but something needs to change soon.  Hubby and I neither one are happy right now and that needs to be fixed.  We both want to work on things but don’t really know where to begin.
• Learn to control my spending and stick to a budget.  This is a life-long struggle for me.  We are way over our heads in debt right now and it just has to stop.  I love to shop and love to find a good bargain, but I do it too much.  And?  I do it when I’m depressed.  I know that I am pretty much responsible for our current financial situation and it eats me alive every day.  We were really making some progress before Zach came along but since then I have not been able to get my spending back under control.   Some of it is necessity, much of it is just emotional.  If it doesn’t get under control soon we will never be able to have the things we really want in life–like our own home or a retirement fund.
• De-clutter my life and my home.  When you walk into my house there is stuff everywhere and I can’t stand it.  It never used to bother me, but over the last couple of years all of the clutter, the knick-knacks, the stuff has really gotten to me.  Most stuff I keep around because someone important in my life has given it to me but I just can’t do it any more.  I have to learn to let go and realize that it is just stuff.  The emotions attached to it don’t have to go away but the stuff does.  It is time.
• Take an active step in keeping myself healthy.  I hate going to the doctor and even more than that I hate calling to make appointments.  I haven’t been to a dentist in almost ten years now.  I’m past due for my annual girlie-bits exam and way past due for my last eye exam.  I couldn’t even tell you when the last time I had a physical was.  And, as much as I hate to face it, I just may need someone to examine my head and emotional status in the very near future as well.  Within the next month or so I’m going to start scheduling appointments and make myself go.  The dentist and the annual appointment with my OB/GYN are my first priorities.  Hopefully the rest will follow.
• Turn the TV off and spend more quality time with Zach.  I rely on the TV for his entertainment more that I ever thought I would.  I don’t think a little TV will hurt him in the long run, but not having enough time with personal interaction from his parents will.  He is at an age where he seems to be soaking everything in and I want to make an active effort to fill his brain with the good stuff.  I want us to have more family time together.  I want to read to him more, take him for walks, go to the park, go outside to play ball.  I want to help him explore this world that we live in instead of only seeing it on the TV screen.
• And, perhaps most importantly, I want to make time for myself.  I feel like almost everything I do in my life is done for someone else.  Other than the time I take to write in this blog I do very little for myself.  I want to make it a point to take some quiet time out to relax and knit, or read, or even to just take a bath in peace.  Somehow I have to save myself from the insanity of the day.

I know this seems like a very ambitious list and I know that these things will probably take longer than a year to succeed at if that is even a possibility.  But somehow, some way, something has to change and I have to be the one to change it.  I can’t sit back and just let life happen to me anymore, I need to actively make it be the way I want it to be.  I hope that Hubby will help me along the way because I am weak and I’m pretty sure I can’t do it by myself (even though I hate to ask for help).

If nothing else, let’s just hope that 2007 is a much better year than 2006.

Today is a sad day.  I kind of knew it was going to happen, but I still hate to say goodbye to one of my guilty pleasures.

This cold is affecting my brain functioning today so I’m trying to keep my work tasks as simple as possible.  So far today, I have accomplished one thing and that was clearing out our financial spreadsheets and replacing all of the real numbers with zeros to get them ready for the new year.  Now that that is done, I’m not sure what to move onto next.

After picking Zach up from my sister’s house lastnight, I really needed to relax for a bit.  Since we finished up season 2 of Grey’s Anatomy last weekend, I’m ready to start watching the new season.  I pulled up the the ABC website, picked up my knitting project, and prepared to indulge in a couple of episodes before I went to bed.  However, the website kept freezing up and basically told me that my internet connection was not fast enough to stream the show.  I have broadband cable.  There is no reason that it shouldn’t be able to accommodate streaming the show.  I have no idea what was slowing down my connection and I went to bed pissed off and disappointed.  I hope I can get it working because I really want to get caught up and be able to watch the rest of the season.

The good part was that after I managed to quit coughing I did actually get some sleep lastnight.  I think I actually slept pretty solidly between about 11:00 and 3:00 and that is much better than I’ve done lately.  I slept off and on from 3:00 to 6:30 and Zach didn’t wake me up all night so I guess you can call that a good night.  Of course, when I woke up with my eyes almost swollen shut I didn’t appreciate the sleep quite as much.

Zach didn’t want to be left at day care today.  In fact, from the minute I got him out of bed this morning he didn’t want to let go of me.  He gets so clingy sometimes and while I know day care is good for him, I still feel guilty leaving him there sometimes.  I hate that I don’t get to spend more time with him and that when I do get to spend time with him I am always so tired.

I’ve been trying to expose myself to some new music the last couple of days so I’ve been listing to TV on the Radio, Ben Kweller, and Sufjan Stevens.  Next on the list is As Fast As.  So far I’m digging Ben Kweller.  I’m still undecided on Sufjan Stevens, although I do dig a few songs.  TV on the Radio was just okay.  I’m looking forward to listening to As Fast As because I did like the one song of theirs that I have heard before.  Feel free to share any suggestions for other artists I should check out.

This officially ends the greatest blog post ever.  Enjoy (the fact that it is finally over).

I don’t know if it is the typical post-holiday letdown, the cold that Zach passed on to me, the work stress, or just the absence of sleep in my life lately, but I’m just worn out.  I’m so tired of everyone and everything right now.  I loved being with my family and friends over the holidays, but I am so tired of people.  I just want to hide away for a few days.  I’m tired of having things that I have to do and not being able to do the things that I want to do.

We leave for Hawaii in 11 days and I’m so exhausted right now that I don’t even want to think about it.  This is a trip I have wanted to take for years and I can’t even get excited about it.  I don’t want to think about packing and I certainly don’t want to even consider trying to squeeze my fat ass into a swimsuit or pair of shorts.  And did I mention that my mother-in-law and father-in-law will be there with us the whole time as well?  I love my in-laws, but for some reason I always feel this sense of dread when I know we will be spending time with them.  I know everything will be fine.  I’ll have a great time and I will enjoy being with them, but for some reason I will still be very stressed about it until we get there.

I just seems that there is so much negativity in my life right now that I can’t focus on the positives.  I think the reason that I focus so much attention on Zach is because he is truly the most positive thing in my life.  I have been trying so hard lately to just be happy and it seems the harder I try, the further away it slips from my grasp.  I play the part of the sunny, happy me when I need to, but inside the clouds never seem to lift.  I need a vacation from my life.  I need to just be alone with no one putting any demands on me.  And for the love of God, I need to sleep.

When I was around four or five years old we lived in this really small little town.  I don’t remember the population as I was very young, but I would guess there were less than 600 people that lived there.  We lived in the church parsonage which ended up being my favorite childhood home (even though I was convinced that there was a witch in my closet and that my ceiling was going to fall in while I was sleeping).  To me it was shaped like a barn.  There was an awesome split staircase, lots of fun hiding places, and a perfect climbing tree in the back yard.

One of the advantages of being in such a small town is that everybody knows everybody.  Next door was an older woman named Opal who became a grandmother-like figure to my sister and I.  We spent many afternoons at her house helping in her garden, eating freshly baked bread, and drinking the best chocolate milk ever (which I later discovered was Ovaltine).  Each year for our birthdays she would make us a special birthday cake and bring over.  I remember one being in the shape of a church and another being in the shape of a lamb.

Across the street was the cat lady.  I want to say her name was Verona but I can’t recall for sure.  She was the stereotypical cat lady who took in all the strays around town.  I only remember going to her house to trick-or-treat and saying hi to her when she was out in the yard, but I always remember that she had a lot of cats around.

Across the street the other way (we lived on a corner) was the church that my dad was the pastor at and next to it was Beverly’s house.  Beverly and her husband Lee attended our church and got to be friends with my parents.  I recall spending many, many, hours with Bev.  I have very fond memories of sitting on her front porch reading together.  Bev spent the summer with me teaching me how to read before I started kindergarten.

When I started kindergarten the next fall,  I was very excited to find out that Bev would be my teacher.  I think it was really hard for both of us not to let me become the "teacher’s pet" of the class since her and I had such a close relationship outside of school.  By the end of the year, she had me reading the second grade level books.  I loved that I was so advanced in reading and I really loved that she took the time to help me get there.

After kindergarten was over we maintained a close relationship.  Bev and her husband moved out to a farm and would invite me and my sister over to ride horses and hang out occasionally.  She also gave me my very first television (an old black and white 13 inch) and probably ruined my interest in books for a few years.

After 3rd grade we moved away from that small town.  We would hear from Beverly and her husband every once in a while and if I recall correctly I think we even visited them a time or two.

My mom tells me that she last spoke to Beverly about 2 years ago and at that time she was ill.  I found out the day I got back from my trip to Portland that she passed away on December 16th.

I never really got the chance to tell her how much of an influence she had on my life.  Not only did she teach me about books, school stuff, and how to read, she also taught me a lot about life.  She is one of the few teachers I have had throughout my life that actually made a difference.  I’m sure I’m not the only one that benefited from her love and caring and I hope that she knew just how much she was appreciated.