I don’t know if it is the typical post-holiday letdown, the cold that Zach passed on to me, the work stress, or just the absence of sleep in my life lately, but I’m just worn out. I’m so tired of everyone and everything right now. I loved being with my family and friends over the holidays, but I am so tired of people. I just want to hide away for a few days. I’m tired of having things that I have to do and not being able to do the things that I want to do.
We leave for Hawaii in 11 days and I’m so exhausted right now that I don’t even want to think about it. This is a trip I have wanted to take for years and I can’t even get excited about it. I don’t want to think about packing and I certainly don’t want to even consider trying to squeeze my fat ass into a swimsuit or pair of shorts. And did I mention that my mother-in-law and father-in-law will be there with us the whole time as well? I love my in-laws, but for some reason I always feel this sense of dread when I know we will be spending time with them. I know everything will be fine. I’ll have a great time and I will enjoy being with them, but for some reason I will still be very stressed about it until we get there.
I just seems that there is so much negativity in my life right now that I can’t focus on the positives. I think the reason that I focus so much attention on Zach is because he is truly the most positive thing in my life. I have been trying so hard lately to just be happy and it seems the harder I try, the further away it slips from my grasp. I play the part of the sunny, happy me when I need to, but inside the clouds never seem to lift. I need a vacation from my life. I need to just be alone with no one putting any demands on me. And for the love of God, I need to sleep.