Category: Living the Life

The Nagging Question

Published by dee on May 23, 2007

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my life lately. I’ve thought a lot about where I’ve been, where I’m going, what I’m doing in my life right now. But the biggest question that keeps coming up is, “Am I happy?” The general answer to that question is “No.”

Happiness can be defined by so many things. The hard part is figuring out which of those things really matters to you deep down. When I look down the list of the things that really matter to me, the scale of happiness becomes quite a mixture.

I read a blog post earlier today (and I can’t for the life of me remember where) about a person who made the choice to quit her part-time job. She didn’t make any formal plans as to how she would spend her extra time that was previously consumed by that job. Instead, she chose to just relax and enjoy her new free time. The blogger noted that it resulted in an overall happier mood. Wow, did that get me thinking.

I constantly feel like I am running on overdrive. It seems like there is always something left undone at the end of the day. I over-commit myself. I hate saying no when someone asks me to do something, so I say yes even though I know I don’t have the time for it. Plus, I am lazy. I am lazy at work. I am lazy at home. It isn’t the kind of lazy where I just sit around doing nothing (how nice would that be?), but instead I tend to neglect the things that need done in favor of doing the things I want to do (like blogging).

The end result is that I don’t follow through with things. Many projects end up done sloppily or sometimes are never fully completed. I put things off until the last minute and then rush to throw them together. It leaves me feeling incompetent and I’m sure doesn’t impress others much.

The laziness flows over into my personal life as well. I don’t take care of my home, my finances, or my family the way that I feel like I should. I don’t even take care of myself the way I should. I certainly don’t take care of my husband the way that I should. I always find myself saying, “I just don’t have time for that.” But why don’t I have time? Why don’t I have time to snuggle on the sofa with my husband in the evenings after Zach is in bed asleep? Why don’t I have time to prepare a healthy meal for my family? Why don’t I have time to exercise and take care of my body? Why don’t I have time to create a budget and financial plan? How do other people do it?

I wish I had someone to give me the answers to all of those questions. I don’t know how to get myself back on track. I feel like I am constantly being pulled in fifty different directions and I’m just not that stretchy. The only way to find more time to do the things I need to do is to cut out the things that I enjoy doing. Will that help me find happiness or will that just make it worse?

I try to think back to a time when I life was easier and I felt happy and carefree. I don’t ever remember a time that I was 100% happy, but I remember times when I felt content to just be. I wonder why I can’t find that contentment now. Why do I feel the need to fill every waking moment with some kind of project or activity. Why is it so hard for me to just sit and watch TV or a movie without my hands moving or my thoughts drifting away?

One of the things that I know about myself is that I take pride in my accomplishments. When I was in school, accomplishments were easy. I was an overachiever for the most part, and I was rewarded for that by good grades, honor rolls, and various scholarships and awards. There was something tangible that I could hold in my hand to show my success. In real life, however, success and accomplishments are so different. I wonder if part of the reason I feel like I must always be doing something more is that I am searching for something to be proud of. Am I compensating for my failures in life (and there are many) by trying to take on more than I can handle? Is all of this a direct result of my own insecurities?

There are so many questions that run through my head. I constantly contemplate whether giving up some of the things I love will result in a higher level of happiness or if it would just make me more resentful and unhappy in the end. I guess it all comes down to figuring out what it is that truly makes me happy. For me there is no black or white on this issue. Instead it is a mixture of various shades of gray.

So, am I happy? Not completely. The scale tips from day to day. Do I want to be? Absolutely. I just have to find a way to make the changes in my life that will allow me to be.

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Moments

Published by dee on May 22, 2007

Do you ever have one of those moments where a feeling just hits you so strongly it is almost overwhelming? I had several of those this weekend. They may seem insignificant to others, or even go by completely unnoticed, but to me they hold so much meaning.

Saturday morning Zach and I got up and headed up North to our church. The church preschool was having their end of the year picnic and invited all of the kids from the church to attend. My sister and her kids came as well. There was a band, led by another local minister, that performed for the kids, lots of picnic food, and then playing on the playground. At one point, while our kids were all playing together in the sandbox I looked up and just felt such a rush of love for them all. I love that they all love each other so much.

Later that night, we went to a party hosted by one of my sister’s good friends (I suppose I could claim her as my own friend too, but I never would have met her had it not been for my sister). As I sat there chatting with some of the girls I realized just how much things have changed between me and hubby over the last few years. It used to be that at social functions we were practically attached at the hip. We rarely left each others’ side. Saturday night I barely saw him at all. As I was sitting there talking to my friends, I couldn’t help but miss him a little bit. It was both a good and bad moment for me. It was good because it showed me just how much I have come out of my shell in the last few years. I didn’t need him there to protect and take care of me. I conversed and enjoyed myself without feeling completely awkward in a social setting. I may have finally learned to be a little independent. Yet, in the same moment, I saw just how disconnected we have become from each other. It made me miss those days when we couldn’t leave each others’ side for a moment. I kind of wish we could find our way back there.

Sunday Zach woke up with a stuffy/runny nose and a cough. By lunch time I could tell he was miserable. He didn’t improve as the day wore on and I ended up having to stay home with him on Monday. Since all he wanted to do was lounge around, I unfolded the futon in the living room and we snuggled up to watch Curious George together. I wrapped my arms around him and he held my hand. It was one of those moments that I wish could have lasted forever. I felt such an intense love for him in that moment. I am still so amazed at times that I can love a person as much as I love him.

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Slide!

Published by dee on May 18, 2007

may_07 227, originally uploaded by deew27.

It was a beautiful day for sliding!

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Random Updates

Published by dee on May 17, 2007

So it appears that the majority of you who voted think that I need a new design. Great, more work for me! Oh come on, you know I don’t mind. I love it when my geeky side gets to come out. Now I just need to find a little inspiration and some time to put it all in place.

It has been a pretty mellow week around here. The combination of my allergies flaring up yet again and the boy not sleeping well is starting to drag me down a bit and it always shows in my blog posting.

Since I discovered this last week, I can’t stop listening to Chris Cornell. The man is just amazing. I really don’t know why it took me so long to get into his music. I like Soundgarden. I love Temple of the Dog. I love Audioslave. But for some strange reason I never really listened to his solo stuff. Um, I like it. A lot.

A while back I won a $40 gift certificate to Amazon.com in a contest. I was really excited to win, but I still haven’t used it because I can’t decide what to purchase with it. I debated whether to buy something special for myself or whether to save it and spend it on Zach. I finally decided that I would use it for myself to reward myself for my hard work but now I can’t decide what to get with it. There are some knitting books that I really want, but then there is this. It is so little and pretty (and cheap!) and I would love it very, very, much. It is something that I would not normally buy for myself. But I already have an mp3 player and don’t really need another one (although it would be nice to put some Chris Cornell on, no?). Plus, I would actually learn something from the books that I could use later. It is such a tough decision. It is becoming painful to even think about.

And finally, a little shameless self promotion. I signed up at TopMomma.com a while back and got notified the other day that I am finally a contender. If you have a minute to spare could you just click over and give me a hit or two? It’s all in fun, but I would hate to get kicked off right away.

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Mother's Day Weekend

Published by dee on May 15, 2007

Last week I was on a major writing kick that seemed like it would last forever. I had so many words flowing out of my head and didn’t have nearly enough time to write them all down. I was hoping it would never stop, but as they (whoever they are) say, all good things must come to an end. This week? Total blockage.

I’ve been trying to find the time and the words to describe my Mother’s Day weekend but all I can really come up with is that it rocked. Somehow that just doesn’t seem very descriptive. It all was pretty low-key, which is just how I like things to be these days.

I spent my day Saturday completing the cleaning out the closet project. When I was finished, it was much more organized and contained about 1/3 less junk than it started out with. (It just occurred to me that I should have taken a before and after picture) I ended up with a pretty large trash pile, and an even larger garage sale pile. I organized all of my scrap booking/knitting/sewing/crafty stuff and now have some actual space in the spare room that I can work on that stuff if/when I have the time. I have some left over material from Christmas gifts that I’ve been wanting to play around with, but my sewing table has been buried for a while. My scrap booking stuff has been buried in the closet for a few years now and, you know, since Zach is almost 2, I think it might be time to start on his baby scrapbook.

Saturday night after dinner, while I was cleaning up, Zach came in the kitchen toting a large handled basket and a card. The basket was part of my Mother’s Day present and was meant for me to keep my knitting projects and yarn in. Next I got a pretty necklace and a card from Hubby. I was very impressed with my gifts because Hubby isn’t exactly known for picking out thoughtful gifts. I absolutely love both of my gifts and love even more that he picked them out on his own.

Sunday was a busy day, but I got to spend it with all of my family. We went to church, then to my Dad’s house for dinner afterwards. My dad and his wife had to rush off to a graduation ceremony, so we went over to my sister’s house to put the kids down for a nap. While everyone else was sleeping, I spent a little time taking more pictures of Brayden and then reading up on some news headlines. After that, we went over to my brother’s house for a Mother’s Day dinner with my mom. Zach was the only kid brave enough to hold the bird. The kids had a lot of fun running around in the back yard while the adults chatted. By the time we ate dinner, the kids were all exhausted and pretty crazy, but we still enjoyed the time together.

The only bad part of the weekend was that Zach was pretty cranky the whole time. He didn’t sleep well all weekend and again I’m blaming the teething. When he wouldn’t go to sleep last night for the 3rd night in a row, I felt around in his mouth again and he actually jumped when I touched the gums near where his molars are coming in. Between the teething and his allergies, I imagine he isn’t too comfortable right now. I’m thinking a little snuggle time might be in order tonight…for both of us.

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Cleaning Out the Closet

Published by dee on May 9, 2007

At some point yesterday I got a burst of energy. I’ve been saying for over a year now that I need to clean out my house and rid it of the clutter. I’ve also been saying that I’m going to have a garage sale and haven’t had it yet. I’ve been collecting potential sale items in my garage for quite some time now and have a pretty nice pile going.

Last night when I got home from work, Hubby was working on dinner and it wasn’t quite ready yet. For some reason I decided to use the time to my advantage and start tearing through the storage closet in the guest room. I sorted through box after box of junk separating the things that could possibly sell from the things that I definitely wanted to keep. I was actually surprised at how easily I was parting with my things. Perhaps I’m turning over a new leaf.

I only got about halfway through the closet before I had to stop, but I made a lot of progress. I was also able to do some organizing along the way which will be very nice in the future.

Besides the goal of de-cluttering my life a bit, I’m hoping to actually make a little bit of money with the garage sale. I have to find a way to pay some debt down and the most plausible way to do so is to sell stuff that we own. I’ve been trying to cut back my spending lately, but just with food when I try to diet, it seems the more I try to cut back the more I actually spend. I’m not sure why it works that way.

I don’t really expect to make a lot from the garage sale, mostly because I’m selling junk that most people would just go out and buy if they needed it. Therefore, I’m taking another big step that I hope I don’t regret later. I’m going to sell one of my guitars and my amp. I’m not at all happy about it, but I have decided it is what I must do. I’m keeping one electric and my acoustic for now and I can use one of Hubby’s amps to play on so I’m really not giving up that much. I just really, really love the guitar and am having a hard time convincing myself to part with it. Can you hear my heart ripping?

Besides the guitar, I’m also looking for some other big items that I might be able to sell on Craigslist to make a little cash. My goal is to make extra credit card payments with any money I make and eventually get them paid off. I’m not really sure I have that much stuff in my house to sell though! We shall see.

Not only will I get some debt paid down, but my house will feel less cluttered as well. Let’s just hope that I can keep my motivation up until the job is finished this time.

Anyone need a guitar?

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