Category: Letters to Zach

Dear Zachary,

Please indulge me if I need a little extra cuddling tonight because your mama is a wee bit distraught.  You have no idea what is in store for you tomorrow, but I do and the images going through my head are creating a deep desire to hold you tightly and never let go.

You see, tomorrow morning we will wake up a little earlier than usual.  We will get up and get dressed and everything will seem normal.  You may get a little upset when you ask for your “tock-otte” in your “mock” (milk) and I can’t give it to you, but other than that you won’t see much of a difference.  Then we’ll load up in the car and head to the hospital.

Once we get to the hospital, we’ll have to sign you in.  The nurses will help you get all ready while I try not to have a panic attack.  Eventually, they will give you some medicine that will put you into a very deep sleep.  They will make Mama leave the room when they do that and go off into a waiting room.

While I sit in a far off room trying to distract myself with books, magazines, or knitting, they will take you back into the operating room.  The doctors will make two tiny incisions inside your ears and insert tubes in them.  Hopefully, this will help your ears drain better so that you can quit getting those nasty ear infections that you seem so prone to.  The surgery itself will take less than ten minutes, or so I’m told anyway.  The part that will drive me crazy, is having to sit and wait for you to wake back up afterwards.

The part that is causing me heartache is knowing that you will wake up in a hospital bed, not knowing where you are, and not having your mama anywhere nearby.  I know that fear well, as I have been through it many times.  Even when I was old enough to have an understanding of what was going on, it was still a little scary.

I just want you to know, that as soon as they let me, I will be there by your side to hold you and comfort you.  Maybe I’m making a big deal out of nothing, but someday when you are a parent yourself you will understand.  That instinct to comfort and protect your child is so strong that nothing can hold it back.

So, like I said, I may need a little extra cuddling tonight but I’ll be sure to give you yours tomorrow.

Love,
Mama

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Dear Zachary,

Mommy is running a little behind this month.  You turned 20 months old over a week ago and I’m just now getting around to writing this letter.  I have no excuse really, except to say that you have been requiring a lot more attention from me these days and my free time has been significantly reduced.

I have learned a lot about you and myself this month.  For one thing, I learned that I need to pay better attention to your cues.  After a week of you screaming non-stop, I was at the end of my rope.  I didn’t know what to do to help you and I certainly couldn’t take another day of the screaming.  Finally, in a moment of clarity, I realized that I just wasn’t listening to you.  I was trying to make you do what I wanted you to do and wasn’t letting you have any control over the situation.  Once I changed my attitude and started really paying attention to your verbal and physical cues things changed immediately.  Instead of focusing on me and all of the things that I feel like I need to do, I’m really focusing on you and it makes a huge difference.

Sometimes all you need to make you happy is a few minutes of snuggling on the couch while you watch Blue’s Clues.  Other times you just need me to slow down and wait for you to do things in your time.  There are also times when catering to you just isn’t possible, but hopefully in time you will figure out how to deal with those frustrations. Trust me, it really doesn’t get any easier. Mommy doesn’t get her way all of the time either. 

You spent a lot of time this month with a pacifier in your mouth. I was all set to get rid of those things once and for all when we returned from our trip to Hawaii last month, but then you got sick. I just didn’t feel right taking away your one comfort item when you weren’t feeling well so I waited. Then you started with the constant screaming. For my own sanity I gave in and let you have your pacifier outside of your bed. It was the only way I could comfort you. Once you had that chunk of plastic in your mouth, you would immediately settle down, lay your head on my chest, and hug me with all the strength you had left. Then all of a sudden you started saying “noonie” and asking for your pacifier whenever you got upset. I detest that word with every ounce of my being and have been trying to get your dad to stop saying it since the day you were born. Obviously, I was unsuccessful and now I’ll get to hear you screaming it from your crib when I finally gather enough strength to throw the darn thing away for good.

Every day it seems you have grown up a little more.  Your skills are improving at such a rapid pace.  You are getting much better at using a spoon and fork when you eat.  Most of the food even makes it to your mouth these days.  There are still stains on your clothes at the end of the day, but if you take after me that will still be happening when you are 30.  I have even started giving you an open cup every once in a while with a little bit of water in it, but most of it ends up running down your belly. I’m sure you will get the hang of it soon.

Your speech has also been improving.  You are saying new words every day and even putting words together into short phrases.  I’ve caught “you mean” a few times, as well as “want more” and “Izzy down”.  I love listening to you talk and come up with new sounds.  You are even learning a few words with multiple syllables.  You also sometimes string together a bunch of jibberish, trying to create sentences that you don’t yet have the words for.

One of your biggest accomplishments this month was going pee in the potty.  We have been slowly introducing the potty over the last couple of months.  You got your Elmo potty for Christmas, but haven’t shown much interest in it until recently.  A couple of weeks ago I picked up two books about going potty when I was out shopping and you have been carrying them around with you ever since.  One night before you got in the bath tub you decided you wanted to actually sit on the potty.  Daddy was in the bathroom with you so I stepped out for a few minutes.  When I came back, you had gone pee.  Daddy and I were both very excited.  We clapped, sang, and praised you until you thought we had gone nuts.  Since then you haven’t wanted to sit on the potty again, but that’s okay.  I’m pretty sure you will when you are ready.

Another big accomplishment has just happened over the last few days.  Up until now, every time you managed to get a crayon in your hand you would chomp down and try to eat it.  For the last several days, however, you have been actually using the crayons to color with.  You have even started naming the things that you are drawing.  I was surprised the day you pointed to your drawing and said “star”.  Now we just need to work on keeping the coloring on the paper and not on the floor.

Even though this month has been a little rough on both of us, I wouldn’t change a thing.  The ups were incredible and the downs were extremely frustrating.  I know my temper has flared more than I like to admit and I wish I could take that back, but I know I can’t.  All I can do is try to be more patient in the future.  You are such an amazingly smart little boy.  Some days I think that I am learning more from you than you are from me.  I am so thankful that you are a part of my life.

Love always,
Mama

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Dear Zachary,

Another month has come and gone and I find myself sitting here wondering if time will ever slow back down.  It seems like everything is on fast forward these days and I don’t know how to push the stop button.  You are growing up so quickly.

Over the last few weeks you have become very opinionated.  Your favorite word is “NO!” and you love to scream it out whenever we ask you any kind of question.  I’m really starting to miss the days when your answer to everything was “yes.” 

You are also showing even more signs of your daddy’s stubbornness.  You went almost a whole day at day care refusing to eat just to show that you did have the power.  When I got there to pick you up, you were still sitting at the table with your untouched snack.  As soon as I told you to eat it, you gobbled it right down.  Then we came home and fixed dinner and you ate like you had never seen food before.  This whole concept of using food for power confuses me because Mama never misses a meal.  Well, except for that one night that I just totally forgot to eat dinner.

You are still learning new words every day.  I’m not sure whether you know what all of them mean, but you can repeat most words that you hear.  Three of your most commonly used words–drink, down, and done–often sound very similar and you get frustrated when I can’t figure out which one you are saying.  I hate it when I can’t understand you because I really love that we can now communicate with language.

Your love for music has expanded this month into singing and dancing.  Every time you hear a song with a good beat you bust out into a dance and shake your booty.  It is about the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.  You’ve been trying to sing along to your music for a while, but now you can actually say some of the words in the songs.  Last night you surprised Daddy and I by singing along to the ABC’s on your Leap Frog toy.  You couldn’t quite enunciate all of the letter names but you had the basic sounds correct.

A couple of weeks ago, Daddy and I took you on vacation to Hawaii.  We had a great time while we were there and you were an absolute angel.  We stayed with your Aunt and Uncle and Granny and Papa were there too.  I really enjoyed watching you with them.  Even though we don’t see them often you somehow still remember them and know that they are yours.  My favorite part of the trip was watching you play on the beach.  You would run up to the water with a giggle and let the waves wash over your feet.  As soon as the water hit, your laughter would turn into a cry because the water was very cold.  Then you would go back to laughing again.  I wish I would have been brave enough to take my camera near the water and video it but somehow I think it will be burned in my memory forever.

Returning from Hawaii was quite an adjustment for all of us.  Besides the four hour time difference, our leisurely days had to return to our normal structured routine.  For you that meant returning to day care.  The first couple of days back you were pretty clingy when I dropped you off.  Your friend H. must have missed you because she spent most of that first day back holding your hand.  She may have been protecting you from the new kids a little bit too.

Yesterday was a difficult day for you and I both.  I got a call from day care saying that you had been bitten by a little boy (who was there for his first day).  Your day care provider was pretty upset about the whole situation and apologized profusely.  You were bitten about four times on your face from what we can tell.  While your face does look pretty bad with all of those bite marks, the part that hurts me the most is that it was the first time that you had to experience someone intentionally hurting you.  You have rarely experienced pain in your life and never pain that was inflicted upon you by another person.  It breaks my heart when I think about it.  You, however, have been very tough and are going on like nothing even happened.

Some days I look at you and see a little boy standing before me and other days I see a grown man.  I imagine what you will be like as an adult and know that that time will come all too quickly.  I just wish I could slow it down because I never want to give up these days with you.

Love always,
Mama

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Dear Zachary,

A couple of weeks ago you turned 18 months old. With all of the holiday chaos and the illnesses around our house lately I haven’t had the time to sit down and reflect on your last month. I’m sure you have done some pretty amazing things that I need to record before I forget them.

Probably the biggest thing that happened in the last month was that I went out of town and left you alone with Daddy for four days. I knew that Daddy could handle you while I was gone, but I had a hard time being away from you for that long. One night away is bad enough, but I had to go to bed three nights in a row without any kisses or hugs from my little man. The worst part of it was that I ended up being sick the whole time so I couldn’t even drown my sorrows in a margarita (not that you should ever do that). I did have a great time on my trip but I don’t think I have ever been more happy to be home.

The weekend before I went to Portland, we helped your cousin Ryan celebrate his 2nd Birthday, which only served to remind me of how quickly you’ll be arriving at that milestone. I can’t believe how fast the two of you are growing up. It is so much fun to watch you play together. I realize that you aren’t actually playing together yet but you do manage to keep each other busy. When you aren’t fighting over toys you seem to have a really good time.

Celebrating Christmas was really fun with you this year. We spent Christmas morning at home, but also spent some time at both Grandpa and Grandma’s houses. You must have been a very good little boy this past year because you ended up with tons of new toys. You seemed to enjoy ripping the paper off to find out what was inside, but after a while you got bored and Mommy had to help you a little bit. Everyone must have known how much you love Elmo because he now has a very prominant presence in our home.

Over the last month of so you have developed quite a fascination with kids that are older than you. You’ve always loved playing with your cousin Dylan, but now you get excited any time you are around kids that age. I even bribed you to quit screaming in the car the other day by telling you that we were going to see J at day care.

You continue to amaze me daily by your amazing sense of balance, the many words you can say, and your ability to actually understand what I am saying to you. You seem to be quite an intelligent little boy (I guess you do take after your mom!). You still love to climb and tend to freak people out that aren’t used to watching you climb on things. While I do have to rescue you from time to time when you get too high, I usually leave you alone and let you explore. Your favorite place lately to climb is onto the kitchen table which isn’t really such a good thing.

You are also getting a little bit better at coloring without eating the crayons. I had to take the crayons away for a while because I was tired of fishing little colored pieces out of your clenched teeth. Either I’m getting better at stopping you before you get them to your mouth or you are doing better at using them for their intended purpose because most of your current crayons still have tips on them.

You are starting to get a little more coordinated with using a spoon and fork but still prefer to use your hands for most things. Much of your meal still ends up on your lap, but progress is progress, right? Your favorite food is now cheese. You will go to the refrigerator, hold onto both handles and yell "cheese!" until someone comes in to get you a piece. You will also ask for "wa-wa" (water), juice, drink, and "bob-bob" (SpongeBob fruit snacks) when you want them.

I usually end this with something mushy, to tell you just how much I love you. But all I can think of right now, is that I must be one of the luckiest mom’s in the world to have a son like you. Not a single day goes by that I’m not thankful that you are part of my life.

Love always,
Mama

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Dear Zachary,

Yesterday you turned seventeen months old.  I didn’t get a chance to write anything yesterday because we spent the day having a late Thanksgiving dinner at your Grandpa’s house.  We had a wonderful dinner and then spent the afternoon lounging around with the family.

It has been unseasonably warm around here this month, which I am very grateful for.  I have gotten to spend a lot of time with you outside, which you seem to love.  At Grandma’s house on Thanksgiving, you had a blast running around her big backyard with your cousins.  I really enjoyed taking pictures of the three of you out there playing catch and falling in the Autumn leaves spread around the yard.

This month you have perfected a lot of words and added many more to your vocabulary.  It seems like you are always saying something new.  I have also started teaching you a few signs because there are certain useful words that you just haven’t figured out how to say yet.  So far, you have learned the signs for please, thank you (even though when you do it you are actually blowing kisses), eat, and more.  I tried to teach you a few signs when you were younger, but you just never picked up on it.  Even though you still require prompts most of the time I’m glad that you are picking up on it now.  I love watching you try to maneuver your hands to make them look like mine.

In the last few days, you have figured out how to say "Hi!"  You have said it before, but now you will walk up to me or daddy, belt out a big "HI!", and then give us a big grin.  Every time you do that it melts my heart just a little bit more.  You have also re-discovered the word "mama" and like to use it very frequently.  It seems every time I walk even a few feet away from you, you go into panic mode and start screaming out "mama! mama! mama!"  It was cute the first few times, but believe it or not, it does get old after a while.

On October 28th, you got your very first haircut.  Everyone was surprised that I didn’t cut it for you, but we decided to take you to a salon so I could sit back, take pictures, and enjoy this little milestone.  You weren’t very thrilled with the whole thing, but after I handed you a pacifier you settled down and let the lady cut your hair.  Daddy and I were both a little sad to see your curls cut off, but you looked so good with your big boy haircut.  The best part is, the curls didn’t stay away very long.  You definitely inherited the curls from your mommy.

I have been feeling really guilty lately because I think I’ve been letting you watch entirely too much TV.  It is hard to turn it off or not to give in to you when it is the one thing you really love.  Your attention span is obviously growing because you will sit still on the couch for a full 20 minute episode of your favorite shows on Noggin.  It is so hard not to let you do this.  Besides the screaming that occurs when I don’t let you watch your shows, it gives me an entire 20 minutes to do what I want to do, or you know, cook dinner which seems to be important to both you and Daddy.

For the last few weeks we have changed up your bedtime routine a little bit.  You pretty much told us we had to change it when you started screaming and grabbing at me every time I tried to put you to bed.  I used to be able to take you to your room, turn off the lights, turn on your music, lay you down, and walk out of the room.  You would quickly be off to lala land and I got a couple of hours alone with Daddy before I crashed for the night.  Now the only way I can get you to go to sleep is if I lay down with you in my bed and that can take anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour.  So, we changed things up a bit and now Daddy puts you to bed most of the time.  You will usually lay down for him, but some nights it still doesn’t work and you end up just sleeping with us because after fighting to get you to sleep for two hours we are exhausted.

Fall always seems to be a very busy time for us.  There have been lots of exciting things going on.  We celebrated Halloween where you dressed up as Blue from Blue’s Clues.  You had a great time trick-or-treating with your cousins even though you didn’t quite get the concept down.  Daddy went out of town for a weekend and left us on our own for the first time since you were born.  We celebrated Thanksgiving with our family.  Then we celebrated your cousin Dylan’s seventh birthday. 

This next month will be just as busy, if not more.  Your cousin Ryan will be turning two, I will be going out of town for a weekend without you (I just hope I don’t cry too much!), then there will be Christmas, and Granny and Papa are going to try to come up for a visit.  I’m anxious for all of it, although I wish things could just slow down a little bit.

The best part of the busy holiday season for me is that I get to spend it with you.  You are the best gift I could ever receive.

Love,
Mama

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