Category: Body Issues

Sizing It Up

Published by dee on June 8, 2006

I haven’t written about my dieting adventures lately because I haven’t really been dieting the last few months. I’ve still been kind of watching what I eat, but haven’t been too strict with myself. I have pretty much maintained my weight, but haven’t really lost any more since about February.

I decided Monday that it was time to start up again. I’ve thought this several times in the last few weeks, but haven’t really done it. This time I did. So far this week I have been sticking very strictly to my Weight Watchers plan and have dropped 5 pounds already this week. I’m sure I can’t contribute all of that to the diet. More than likely there was some natural fluctuation and water weight added in, but I already feel better.

As stupid as it is, the numbers on the scale really do affect my mood. I’ve had a much more positive attitude this week and I know that part of it is because I’ve taken back control over my eating. The other part of it I think can be contributed to the fact that I’ve made a firm decision to try to improve things with Hubby.

The thing that really pushed me back to the dieting was trying on clothes this weekend. I went shopping for a dress for my BIL’s wedding (Holy cow…it’s next weekend!) in Phoenix and was getting frustrated because every dress I tried on seemed to be just a little tight in the waist. Yes, I know I had a baby and I know that my stomach will never be the same, but I still want to be able to buy clothes that fit. You would think I would be happy that I am at least 2-3 dress sizes smaller than I was the last time I bought a dress but that’s just not good enough for me.

The other thing pushing me back to the dieting is that my 10-year high school reunion is in 2 WEEKS! I want to go there looking good and feeling good about myself. If I can drop a few more pounds before then, I’ll feel better and be more confident.

I’ve been doing quite a bit of shopping over the last couple of weeks. I blame it on the fact that we’re getting ready to go on vacation and I don’t have a lot of casual clothes that fit that are appropriate for the weather. I can’t really wear jeans and long sleeve shirts in Phoenix mid-June so I’ve been buying some capris and cute tops to go with them.

The problem is I keep buying my shirts too big. I’ve gotten in the habit of buying all my shirts in an extra-large over the years. First I went through the baggy clothes stage where everything had to be at least one to two sizes bigger than what I actually should have been wearing. Then I grew into my large clothes. Now that I’m smaller again, I still think I need to buy that size when I really need a large or medium depending on the style. I told my mom this morning that I need to start making myself try everything on before I buy it. I hate trying on clothes and usually just buy off the rack unless I’m not sure about the size. Either that, or wash everything in really hot water and hope it shrinks.

But back to the dieting. Tonight Hubby and I are going out for dinner…dinner that will include at least one if not more margaritas and will not fit into my diet. It is a special occasion so that’s ok. But, then, on Saturday I’m going to a friend’s bachelorette party where there will be another dinner and many drinks which will not fit into my diet. I’m a little worried about what kind of effect that will have on the 5 pounds I lost. Perhaps I will just not eat on Friday and Sunday to make up for it. Yeah, right. I can diet, but I cannot skip eating all together.

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Vending Temptations

Published by dee on May 17, 2006

Every day at work I am responsible for going downstairs and collecting the mail, sorting it, and delivering it to the appropriate person in the office. Yes, even after four and a half years here I still sit on the bottom rung of the ladder. I don’t mind getting the mail really. In fact, I actually welcome the opportunity to get away from my desk for a few minutes and take a little walk.

My problem with the mail responsibility is that the mail boxes sit right next to the big, fat vending machine that is full of chocolate and salty temptations. There is no way to avoid seeing the contents of that cruel machine when I go to collect the mail. Some days, if the mail doesn’t arrive on time, I have to visit that room two or three times. Every single time I have to tell myself that I really don’t need any of that chocolatey goodness and I especially don’t need any greasy, salty potato chips.

I have worked really hard over the last six months to lose and keep off thirty-five pounds so I really can’t allow myself to indulge in that stuff. I sometimes think if I even look at it for too long the pounds will start packing back on. Some days I really want to give in, put my shiny quarters into the machine, and enjoy every bite of my prize that shoots out of the machine. Then I remind myself that I still need to lose another twenty pounds to reach my goal and suddenly all that junk in the machine just doesn’t look as good anymore.

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Re-Thinking the Breeding

Published by dee on April 5, 2006

Before I got pregnant with Zachary, I had many dreams of what the perfect family would be like. I wanted to have two babies (preferably a boy and a girl) spaced about two years apart. To me, that made perfect sense and was balanced just right.

In order to have my perfectly spaced kids, that means that I would need to start working on kid #2 by about the time that Zach turns a year old. That would give us three months to work on getting pregnant in order to have the second baby by the time Zach turns 2. It did take 2 1/2 years to get pregnant the first time, so I have no idea how long the second time will take.

Recently I have realized that Zach’s 1st birthday is coming up REALLY quickly, like in less than three months, and suddenly I’m not so sure that I’m ready to start working on baby #2. I was very lucky with Zach and for the most part he has been a very easy-going kid. But, lately he has become more and more demanding and is testing my patience on a daily basis. I’m not so sure that I could even handle being pregnant and keeping up with him, much less having another baby to take care of. On top of that there is the whole financial thing to consider as well. Two kids in day care and diapers is a scary thought.

Plus, I still have about 20 more pounds to lose to meet my goal weight. Originally I wanted to be at my goal weight before getting pregnant again in hopes that it would make losing the second baby weight a little bit easier. I’m still losing weight, but not as quickly as I was before and I’m pretty sure that I’m not going to get rid of those 20 pounds in three months. It is possible, but I will have to get very strict again on the diet and for me summer and dieting don’t work so well together.

A friend of mine had her second baby two weeks ago. As I watch her and her husband deal with their new little girl and 21-month-old boy, I think it might be possible. Then I wonder if I might miss some of Zach’s baby days by rushing into having another one so quickly. Would he miss out on some of those precious moments that I want to give him because I am too busy or too tired to spend time with him? Or, would having a little baby brother or sister around enrich his life even more?

I always thought I had it all figured out. Now, I’m not so sure. I know I want to have another one, but now I wonder if my perfect timing that I always dreamed of might just be all wrong.

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I Cheated

Published by dee on March 23, 2006

I’ve been doing really well on my diet so far this week. Well, until today anyway. I gave in to temptation and had one of these for lunch. Every single bite was worth it…even if I gain back the pound and a half that I’ve lost this week.

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A New Feeling

Published by dee on March 16, 2006

As I got out of the shower this morning I could hear Zach screaming. He has recently decided that if mommy is more than two feet away from him that it is just entirely too far. I knew the screaming would stop as soon as I picked him up, but also that once I picked him up there was no putting him down unless I wanted the screaming to commence again. So I stuck a pacifier in his mouth as I rushed around trying to get dressed and make myself presentable for work.

I went to my closet, grabbed a pair of jeans and a shirt, threw them on, and then sat down to put on my shoes. As I sat, I caught a glimpse of myself in the full-length mirror next to my closet and thought, "Damn, I look good!"

I honestly don’t remember ever feeling that way about myself before. As I have mentioned before, I have always felt like I was fat, whether I was or not. The shirt I put on this morning has not been worn for probably two years, if not more. The last time I wore it I couldn’t even button it, it was so tight. I used to always wear it open with a tank top under it. Even the sleeves fit tightly on my arms. It has a little bit of stretch to it, so it still worked and didn’t look too bad (or so I thought at the time). Today I put it on and buttoned it up without even giving it a second thought. When I saw myself in the mirror, I was amazed at how loosely it fit.

I have really been beating myself up lately because I have been totally slacking on the dieting. There has been so much happening in my life in the last couple of months that it has been near impossible to control exactly what I am eating. I finally got back on track last week and re-lost 3 of the pounds that I’ve been fighting with during that time. As of today, I am back down to the weight that I was 6 weeks ago, with a total loss since November 1st of 31.5 pounds.

What surprises me the most, even though I still have a long way to go before I reach my goal, is that for the first time in my life I really feel comfortable with my weight. Ten years ago I would have thought that I was huge at this weight, but I’m not a teenager anymore. I am quickly nearing 30 years old. My metabolism has most likely slowed way down. I have a beautiful baby boy that I carried and gave birth to. My body is not the body of an 18-year-old girl and I am satisfied with that.

I do plan to continue the diet and try to reach my goal. That will require me to lose another 26 pounds yet. If I feel this good now, I can’t wait to see how good I feel then. If it weren’t for those nasty stretch marks and the jiggly baby tummy that Zach left me with, I might have even considered buying a bikini to wear at the lake this summer!

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Dieting Mishaps

Published by dee on February 15, 2006

I didn’t quite have the day that Miss Zoot had yesterday, but I did in fact ruin the diet again. After all of the eating out, drinking, cheesecake, and birthday celebrations last week, I really had good intentions of sticking to it this week.

I started out Monday determined to stick very strictly to the diet and did well. In fact, I came in one point shy of my total daily allotment. Even watching the hubby eat his Valentine’s day chocolates didn’t deter me. Tuesday, however, was a different story.

I got up Tuesday with the same determination to eat right. I had my 2 points bowl of oatmeal for breakfast. By 10:00 I was starving and those mean little guys that live in my stomach were totally bitching me out for not giving them a little something to munch on until lunchtime. I finally gave in and had a few mini rice cakes for 1 point. Then came the problem.

I walked into the break room to grab a Diet Coke out of the fridge thinking it would help fill my tummy for a bit. Sitting there on the table was a nice little tupperware container just begging to be opened. It was there the day before, but I managed to resist the temptation. I just didn’t have the willpower to resist it again. I opened it up to find the most delicious looking heart-shaped sugar cookies…with frosting. I might have been able to turn away if it weren’t for the fact that the same co-worker brings these in every year and I know that they are pure heaven. So, I decided to have half of a cookie. Couldn’t be too bad right? Wrong. After I finished off the first half, I had to go back for the second half. I had a salad for lunch and I was good for the rest of the afternoon except for the one little piece of chocolate that somehow managed to find its way to my mouth.

I figured even though I had messed up a little bit, I could watch what I ate for dinner and even it out a bit. Well, that didn’t work out so well. When I got home, Hubby was in the kitchen working on dinner. Guess what he was cooking? Spagetti. One of my favorite meals. There are two things that really kill my diet. One is pizza. The other is spagetti. When it comes to those two foods, there is no such thing as portion control for me. I just can’t do it. So, I ate way more than I should have and just set myself back another day on my diet.

At this point I’m just hoping that I can break even with the weight that I was two weeks ago–before the funeral, the traveling, eating out, and birthdays. I’m really angry with myself for losing control when I was doing so well. At least there are no more birthdays coming up in my family until April and no major holidays for a while so I can get back on track.

The good news is that the new jeans I just bought on Sunday are feeling a little loose today. And, my awesome friend Amy sent me an Old Navy gift card for my birthday so I can go buy more new clothes (Thank You!!). I think I may hold onto it until I drop another size though.

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