deeperrin.com Posts

For anyone that may have my old gmail adress, I have now changed it.  I chose that name before I was really using this site and now it just doesn’t make sense anymore.  You can now reach me at voicesinmymind at gmail dot com.  If you are one of the select few that have my other address, that one still works too.

I think I just realized what is missing from my marriage.  Validation.  Validation of my thoughts, my wants, and my needs. 

Lastnight hubby and I were watching TV for a few minutes after finally getting Zach to bed.  I made some comment about what we were watching (which I cannot even remember now) and turned to hubby waiting for a response. 

I stared at him for about a minute or so while he stared at the TV and waited.  Nothing.  Dead air.  Finally I said, "…and you wonder why I never talk to you anymore."  He then said, "I heard you."  So then we got into a big argument about why he didn’t give me any kind of response.  He didn’t have an answer for that which just irritated me even more.

A few minutes ago I was reading a comment on one of my posts and I realized why it bothered me so much that he did not respond back to me.  I was waiting for validation of what I had said.  It really didn’t matter what he said back.  I just wanted to know that he thought about what I said.  I wanted to know that what I said mattered to him.  But, apparently, it didn’t.

The more and more I think about it, I think this may be the cause for many of the issues in our marriage.  Don’t get me wrong, we are pretty happy together, but we have our ups and downs.  Lately there have been a lot of downs but we are trying to work on it.  I’m not putting all of the blame on him either.  I’m sure I’m just as guilty of this as he is.  In fact, I know I am.  I blow him off all the time when I don’t feel like discussing what he wants to discuss.  I guess this just gives me something new to work on.

This blogging thing just started out as a fun way to pass time, but it may have just given me the answer that I’ve been searching for for quite a long time.  I love reading the comments on my blog because they totally validate the feelings that I am trying to express.  Perhaps all along I’ve been finding here what I’ve been missing at home.

• I do my best writing in my head during my drive to work in the mornings.  My head is not clouded with all of the happenings of the day.  I am actually alone.  I can choose to have silence or listen to music.  What I do in my car usually sets the mood for the day.  Most of the things I write about here come from my thoughts during my drive.  The only problem is that 9 times out of 10 they are forgotten before I have a chance to write them out.
• Hubby was watching a movie the other day where a woman gave birth and they showed her holding her newborn right after.  He said that it almost made him want to have another one already to remember what it felt like to hold your baby for the first time.  For the rest of the night I could think of nothing but those first few days with Zach and how wonderful it felt to hold him in my arms.  I wonder if it will feel the same when we have a second child as it felt with the first.  The original plan was to start trying for number 2 when Zach is about a year old, but now we’re thinking we might have to hold off until the finances are in better shape.  If it weren’t for day care costs there would be no issue.  I desperately wish I could figure out a way to work from home and still pay the bills.
• Work has been stacking up lately and I just can’t motivate myself to get anything done.  I can complete a little project here and there, but it seems like when I need to work on the big projects I just freeze up.  I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I just don’t want to be here.  I have thought and thought and thought about looking for a new job, but it just doesn’t make any sense for me to leave.  A new job would almost definitely mean a cut in pay and probably a huge cut in benefits and I just can’t afford to do that right now.  Everything that I am finding that I could qualify for is at least $5000 less a year than what I’m making and that just won’t work.  I feel so stuck.  But, at least I know my baby will eat and have diapers.
• Drinking almost a 1/2 gallon of tea before 10:30 in the morning is not such a good idea.  I think there will be a path on the carpet between my desk and the restroom by the end of the day.
• I finally got my little Media Manager plug-in working (over there –> on the sidebar) so that I can now easily update what I am listening to.  I love music and sharing my new finds with other people, but I’m not a music critic and not very good at writing about it.  So now I can just link to the cds I’m listening to and if you are interested, you can check them out.
• In the very little amount of free time I have I’ve been working on my personal web site, which I might have mentioned before.  I’m trying to switch over to running the entire site on WordPress, which means I really have to learn some php.  Hubby got me a couple of books on php for my birthday and every time I start trying to read them I start falling asleep.  The content isn’t really that boring for a geek like me, but it’s hard to read when you aren’t getting any sleep.  I went ahead and used a pre-made template for the blog layout to speed things up, but I really want to be able to do some editing on it and add a couple of new pages.  And, maybe, just maybe, when I finish that one I’ll start tackling the layout of this site.

There was a time in my life when sitting at home on a Saturday was about the worst thing I could think of.  I would always try to find something to do.  If nothing else, I would go shopping, go to a movie, or at least go out for dinner.  Somewhere along the way, my priorities totally changed.  My weekends are so busy anymore that I rarely ever have a chance to stay home on Saturdays.  But, somehow, the planets aligned just right this weekend and I actually stayed home for a whole entire day.

That may not seem like such a big deal to most people.  But, if you are still kind of a new mom who has a 9-5 job during the week, a family to feed, diapers to buy, a baby to take care of who is starting to have a little separation anxiety, a husband who hates (and pretty much refuses) to run errands (unless it involves food, but not grocery shopping), and are desperately trying to hold on to the small semblance of the social life you used to have, it is a big deal.  There is always something I have to do or somewhere I have to go on the weekends.  I have to really schedule things right in order to have a whole day at home.

Friday night we did our obligatory night at our friends’ house so that the boys could jam on their guitars and M and I could have our girl-talk time.  I was a little squeamish having Zach over there because their youngest had been sick all week, but they promised that the whole house had been covered in Lysol before we arrived and that the sick one was quarantined to her bedroom for the night.  But, so far, we have no signs of illness so I’m pretty sure he’s ok.  Plus, I really enjoyed the girl-talk time. 

Saturday, as I might have mentioned, we stayed home.  I did send Hubby out to pick up some lunch (because I pushed grocery shopping to Sunday and there was very little food in our house).  Hubby even got up with the baby and let me sleep in until 9:30!  Since Zach is finally old enough that he can entertain himself for a while, I sat down with my computers (yes, I was using 2 at the same time) and worked on my personal website on my laptop while I worked on ripping my cd’s to my desktop (so that hopefully sometime in this century I will finally get some music on that mp3 player that Hubby got me).  The website is coming along nicely, but I’m pretty sure it will take me another year or so to finish with all the cd’s if I don’t run out of hard drive space.  Around 5:30 I put away the computers, fixed some dinner, got Zach settled in for the night and then sat down with Hubby to watch a movie. 

All-in-all it was a very nice day for me.  But the best part happened that night.  Zach slept ALL NIGHT LONG.  I woke up at 6:30 Sunday morning panicking because he hadn’t woken up yet.  I totally had myself convinced that there was something wrong with him but I was too afraid to go check.  After laying there for about 20 minutes with my heart racing, I finally heard a little cry in the baby monitor and jumped up to go rescue him.

Sunday was a pretty normal day for us, except that I had pushed back the grocery shopping and diaper/formula/baby food shopping trip so I still had those to do.  We stayed at my dad’s house much longer than usual after lunch because Zach fell asleep just as we were about to leave and since he hadn’t had a morning nap I didn’t want to wake him up.  By the time we left there and I did my two shopping trips, it was almost 7:00.  Then I still had to go home, unload the car, put everything away, fix dinner, do dishes, give Zach a bath, and do some laundry before bed time.  Needless to say it was a pretty hectic evening.  So, of course, when I finally got to bed, Zach decided he was ready to wake up.  I had high hopes that he would sleep through the night again but it didn’t happen.  He was awake about every 2 hours all night long.  I’m feeling a bit like a zombie today.  Too bad my boss didn’t give us the day off for President’s Day.