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I think I just realized what is missing from my marriage.  Validation.  Validation of my thoughts, my wants, and my needs. 

Lastnight hubby and I were watching TV for a few minutes after finally getting Zach to bed.  I made some comment about what we were watching (which I cannot even remember now) and turned to hubby waiting for a response. 

I stared at him for about a minute or so while he stared at the TV and waited.  Nothing.  Dead air.  Finally I said, "…and you wonder why I never talk to you anymore."  He then said, "I heard you."  So then we got into a big argument about why he didn’t give me any kind of response.  He didn’t have an answer for that which just irritated me even more.

A few minutes ago I was reading a comment on one of my posts and I realized why it bothered me so much that he did not respond back to me.  I was waiting for validation of what I had said.  It really didn’t matter what he said back.  I just wanted to know that he thought about what I said.  I wanted to know that what I said mattered to him.  But, apparently, it didn’t.

The more and more I think about it, I think this may be the cause for many of the issues in our marriage.  Don’t get me wrong, we are pretty happy together, but we have our ups and downs.  Lately there have been a lot of downs but we are trying to work on it.  I’m not putting all of the blame on him either.  I’m sure I’m just as guilty of this as he is.  In fact, I know I am.  I blow him off all the time when I don’t feel like discussing what he wants to discuss.  I guess this just gives me something new to work on.

This blogging thing just started out as a fun way to pass time, but it may have just given me the answer that I’ve been searching for for quite a long time.  I love reading the comments on my blog because they totally validate the feelings that I am trying to express.  Perhaps all along I’ve been finding here what I’ve been missing at home.

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  1. Sounds like you both have minor patterns of disconfirming behaviors. That CAN be really problematic for communication. One thing that the literature says works well for this is to make sure you have time to converse without other distractions — my partner and I had similar problems when we tried to do too many things at once (like eat dinner and watch TV), so now we make sure to eat dinner with nothing else on to distract us. That way we both focus on each other. Maybe you could try something like that too. :o)

  2. Knowing what the problem is the biggest part of the battle. Now that you’ve identified it, working toward a solution is the easier part.
    It sounds like you’ve gotten into a habit of NOT communicating. Or you’re hearing each other, but not really listening. I think Chicky’s right. Try to find some time where you can talk, even for just a few minutes, without distraction.
    For Hubby & I, it’s right before we go to sleep at night, curled up in bed. No distractions, or tv or food or the puppy. Just us. This is the best time for us to talk about the deeper things. The key is finding what works for you and doing it. You’ll see it gradually start to creep into other times of the day.

    Hang in there.

  3. I like Wicca’s suggestion of dinner sans TV. Make that your time with hubby.

    John is the same way. All I want is a yes or a grunt or something to tell me that you hear me and acknowledge me. It took me couple of times of pointing it out to him as it was happening so he would realize it. He’s getting better.

    Hang in there. If you ever want to chat you know where to find me! 🙂

  4. It’s a great first step that you’e realized what is missing for you.
    Hubby and i always realized and talk about how our marriage is a work in progress and sometimes we wish we lived in seperate houses and other times we can’t get enough of each other.
    Just talking is a good place to start.

  5. i think it’s really good that you’ve realized what’s missing. a lot of relationships end because they simply don’t know what the hell is up.

    it’s good that it’s something that can be worked on.

    hey, i hope you get to thresh things out with hubby soon

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