My mind races with things that need to be released. I write post after post in my head, yet lack the time to sit and type them out. My life, it is chaotic. As I whine and complain about how busy and crazy things always are, I also know that this is the life I chose. My choices got me to this place of constant activity, stress, and very little rest. The weekends and evenings go too fast, the weekdays too slow.
There are ups and downs and so many things in between. Some days I sit back amazed at how blessed I am in my life. Other days I wonder just how much longer I can keep it all together. At times I feel like I’m just going through the motions, just to get through one more day. Those times make me feel like I am missing out on so much. I wonder how I’ll ever make it when the kids are older and involved in school and activities and play dates and birthday parties.
This last week was particularly hard. I was still trying to catch up on life as February went and got all crazy on me. My car was in the shop. Grocery shopping got delayed due to the snow and ice the weekend before and we were out of food. Zach had a music program at preschool Wednesday night. I had to get our taxes done because we needed the refund to pay for the car repairs. Zach had to go to the doctor due to some stomach problems he’s been having. I couldn’t find time to work on web site updates that were long past due. I was worried about not having time to get the bills paid before the end of the seemingly very short month. Plus, on top of that, I was trying to fight off a cold. Things just kept piling up and by Friday night I was spent.
Saturday I got up with my own agenda in mind while everyone else in the house had a different one. As much as I’d like to deny it, Evie will be turning 2 in a couple of weeks and I wanted to set up my makeshift photography studio, experiment with some lighting, and attempt to get some good photos of her. I thought this would relax me, but I found myself getting angry at my not quite 2-year-old for wiggling when I wanted her to sit still. I kept getting interrupted by Zach and Hubby kept asking me questions until the point that I lashed out at him.
I finally decided to give up on the pictures because I was getting too frustrated (and so was Evie). Hubby left to pick something up at the store. I took Evie back to her room for a nap where we snuggled for a few minutes and I apologized to her for yelling. Then she asked if we could go take more pictures. If she’s willing, I’m game. I took her back to the playroom where everything was set up and we tried again. This time, instead of getting frustrated, I tried to make it fun. We sang songs, we laughed, and we had a good time until I could tell she was tired of it. I got some great photos of her smiling and laughing.
Sometimes I just have to hit the edge before I can see a situation clearly. The rest of the weekend was better. I still had to do things like pay bills, stress over money, feed my children, bathe them, and all the rest of the mundane daily tasks, but I tried to keep myself in a better frame of mind. I didn’t find the time to finish editing photos, to dig into the photography books I’ve been dying to read, to browse around on the Clickin’ Moms forum like I wanted to. But those things will still be there tomorrow, and the many days after that.
Besides, I did manage to get some gorgeous photos of my little girl and even a few of my boys too.
Rest assured, I’ll be sharing more of these once I have a chance to do some editing. My lighting and exposure wasn’t quite right, but I’m learning.
And, for those of you interested, here’s a small piece of Zach’s music program performance. He was so excited for this and did such a good job. This proud mama was beaming.