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Category: Kids & Parenting

Feeling Some Sort of Way

Fitting with my track record the last few years, it’s been a minute since I have updated. The problem with that is that it makes it hard to know where to start.

These last few months have had so many ups and downs and a myriad of feelings that are most often undefinable. While we try to live our lives in the most normal way possible, we remain in the middle of a pandemic. In the beginning there were hard and fast rules as to what we could do, where we could go, etc., but now those mandates have expired and for the most part it is up to us to make the tough decisions. Do we let our kids go to school? Do we gather with family for the holidays? Do we socialize with friends? Do we go back to church? Do we continue to wear face masks, even though those around us often do not?

It is a very fuzzy line as to what is considered safe and what is not. Some people have tested positive for COVID and barely had any symptoms, yet at the same time some are very severe and the death toll increases daily. Deep down, my gut feeling response was to protect my family as much as possible – keep them home and never leave the house. Initially, that is what we did. The kids and I went months barely leaving the house except for necessities. It felt safer to stay in our little bubble. But as time went on, it became very apparent that our mental health was suffering in some big ways. Little by little, as county and state restrictions eased up, we chose to start venturing out more – carefully – with masks and hand sanitizer at the ready.

The hardest decision was whether or not to send the kids back to in-person school. Our district offered a choice of in-person or online. The mama bear in my wanted to keep them home, but virtual school has proven to be a huge struggle for my kids. They all three were adamant that they wanted to be in school and deep down I knew that it really was the best choice for them. Beside the fact that we need the additional support of gifted classes, 504 plans, IEPs and other special services, they needed the return of some sort of routine and normalcy in their day. As it turned out, most families in our district made the same choice, which forced the high school and middle school to move to a hybrid schedule – 2 days a week of in-person classes, and 3 days at home with online activities. Fortunately, the elementary is able to continue a 5 day in-person schedule.

We also chose to allow sports as those opened up. We started back the routine of soccer, volleyball, and karate with practices on weeknights and games on the weekends. With school and sports back on, I started seeing my kids come back to life a little. The need for social interaction was so incredibly important for them. I don’t think any of us are truly back in a good mental state, but the difference it has made at least for my two youngest kids has been pretty immense – enough to know that it was the right choice for them.

We have been fortunate so far that we have all stayed healthy. As allergies have flared up and colds have passed through, it has been a bit nerve wracking. Never knowing exactly when it might be time to go for a COVID test you fret about every cough. We get emails from the school almost daily reporting positive cases, though contact tracing indicates most of those have not been due to transfer at school. I get a little nervous with every email from school, not sure when I will receive one saying that one of my kids has been exposed.

Last weekend was Halloween and yet again came the time to decide whether to proceed with our usual traditions or whether to stay home, hunker down and turn our porch light off. We decided to let the kids dress up and trick-or-treat. The cousins came over and we drove to a nearby neighborhood that was swarming with kids and adults trick-or-treating – very few wearing masks or taking precautions. It honestly made me very nervous and question my decision to let them go. I will not be at all surprised if we have a spike of COVID cases in our city over the next week or so.

The good news, for now at least, is that our sports seasons have finished – except for karate. Less practices and games means less community exposure for all of us. We still have school, work, and Hubby and I have been back to church a couple of times. There are necessary shopping trips and sometimes just a need to get out of the house for a bit. The desire to get back to our regular routines and habits are so strong, but as the COVID cases continue to go up daily it has me reconsidering what is truly necessary again.

Through all of this, I have found myself really struggling with anxiety (and maybe a smidge of depression). It took me a while to really put my finger on it because it doesn’t feel like anxiety in the way that I think anxiety should feel. It hits in waves. Some days it is just this little tiny off feeling that I can’t really define and other days it kind of knocks me over. Sometimes it comes out as irritation with everything and everybody and results in an emotion explosion, and sometimes it shows up in withdrawal. It is in those withdrawn moments that I feel like the depression starts sneaking in – when even the things that usually bring me joy feel more like an obligation. In the back of my mind I hear a little voice saying, “Just keep swimming!” but that constant push and pull of the sinking and then the swimming is exhausting.

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School Closing Extension and a Stay-At-Home Easter

With last week’s orders from the Missouri Governor, schools are now closed through the end of the school year. I knew it was coming, but after the week we had last week it felt a bit like a punch to the gut. The novelty of e-learning at home has definitely worn off. It is becoming more and more of a struggle to get the kids up and doing their work every day.

I think the announcement also brought with it the reality that we are going to be stuck here at home a lot longer than we initially thought. It means our “postponed” sports seasons are now cancelled. It means no get-togethers with friends for the foreseeable future. It means no church. It means no enjoying the beautiful Spring weather riding roller coasters at Worlds of Fun. It means not getting to experience the end of the school year with their friends, which is honestly the best part. It means not exchanging year books and phone numbers and making plans to get together over the summer. It means that instead of being excited to stay home and sleep in over summer break, the days will just continue, the same as they are now.

I saw a shift after the announcement was made. It was physical, visible. Their shoulders slumped, eyes lowered. As much as they complain about going to school, this isolation and distancing from their peers is hard. They miss their friends. They miss the routine. Even my most optimistic child, who typically can make the best of any situation, is struggling to keep her head above the water of the depression pool at this point. It is so hard to watch and know there really is nothing I can do to help. I try to stay positive, but it is hard when I am struggling too.

We tried to make the best of Easter on Sunday. We colored Easter eggs with the cousins via Zoom Saturday night. The Easter Bunny delivered baskets of goodies and hid eggs for the kids to find when they woke up. We watched church services online, but it just isn’t the same as being in a church building filled with like-minded people singing and worshiping. We spent some time on a Zoom call with my Dad and Debie, and my siblings families. I cooked an actual meal (with the help of Evie). We had ham, potatoes, deviled eggs, and green beans. It would have been perfect had I remembered to buy some bread rolls at the store, and if my oldest would have actually come upstairs for dinner. He is definitely in the stage where family is not a priority. By the time we cleaned up after dinner I was wiped out and ended up taking a nap on the couch for a bit.

To be honest, I haven’t felt the greatest the last few days. After a bit of a “high” last week with the incredible sunshine and lots of exercise, I crashed. Friday and Saturday my stomach wasn’t feeling great and I started noticing my energy levels were way down. Saying you aren’t feeling well right now throws up all kinds of red flags, but my symptoms are not COVID-19 related, I swear. Though I’ve had no fever, I’m suspecting an infection. If things don’t get better soon, I’ll be calling my doctor, though a trip to the doctor is the last thing I want to do right now. I do, however, want to start feeling better and get my energy back up. It is hard to be peppy for everyone else when all I want to do is crawl in bed and sleep. I just have to make myself pick up the phone and call.

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School is in Session

Today we began distance learning from home for all three kids. The teachers are breaking them in easy this week. They have mostly review items for now as they adjust to this new way of doing school. It is going to be an adjustment for sure – for all of us. I nearly had an anxiety attack yesterday just trying to keep all the emails from teachers and school admins straight. Just trying to keep track of which teachers teach which classes for which child is enough in itself.

So, like my usual Excel-loving self, I made spreadsheets. Each child now has a weekly checklist with class/subject, teacher, where to look for assignments, and a spot to check off that they have checked/completed assignments for each class. Several teachers are utilizing Google Meet to get some face time with their students, so we have to keep track of those times as well.

Today was interesting as we got into this new school mode. I set up a desk down in my office for Caleb as he will require the most hands-on help from me. I feel extremely unqualified to teach him, but fortunately, he was able to guide me along. I can tell I’m going to get some resistance as we go along but today went fairly well. I’m definitely going to need to put in some prep time ahead of him sitting down with me (or get his sister to fill in) on the math. There are so many new terms with Common Core Math that I have no idea what they are talking about. I never was one to be able to explain myself when it comes to numbers. I just knew how to get the answer.

My high schooler – my most school avoidant child – says he would rather be at school in class than doing it at home. While he refuses to open his school issued chromebook, he did at least pull up his assignments and complete them using his phone. +1 to Google for being accessible on any device!

And my middle schooler, who is a fairly consistent high-achiever, completed all of her work and was “bored” while waiting for her Google Meet time with her band class. We’ll see how long that lasts. She also is my most social and really lit up when she got to see some of her classmates on the screen. They went straight from that to setting up a Google Hangout so they could talk longer.

Today started the beginning of the 30 day Stay-at-Home order issued by the county. At this point, we’ve already been mostly staying at home (with the exception of hubby who is still going to work) for ten days. The kids are finding ways to keep in touch with friends, though I think the lack of in-person interaction will get harder as we go along. Even my youngest is getting some talk time in with his friends while playing Fortnite. As much as I dislike the game, I do appreciate that it gives him some virtual time with friends right now. I am truly thankful that we have the technology to allow us to keep in touch with friends, to work, and even go to school when we can’t leave our home.

For me, I am hoping this time allows me to write more. Besides the therapeutic aspect for me, I also want to document. This time in our lives is something my kids will tell their kids about someday. Maybe they will look back on these pages and realize why mom was so nuts during that time. Maybe they will appreciate having this time to slow down and be together. Either way, this Pandemic is a piece of history being made and like it or not, we’re here for it.

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When Mama Bear Comes Out

Some days it really is a struggle. I try to keep it contained as much as possible, but some days the Mama Bear within me just comes out. Let’s just say Monday was not really a good day.

It started out great. Everyone got up on time and got off to our various places for the day. I’m at work going on about my day and things are good. About 9:30 or so I got a call from the high school nurse. It is only the 4th day of the school year, so I definitely was not expecting that quite yet. The nurse tells me that Zach has fainted in the locker room after gym class. Oh.

I’m a worrier when it comes to my oldest son. He has his share of difficulties and school has not always been easy for him. And gym class is one of his least favorite classes. He chose weight training for his Freshman PE credit because it keeps him from having to do group sports activities in the traditional PE class. When I heard during curriculum night that they would be doing quite a bit of running I was already a little worried. Then he told me Friday that he felt sick Friday when they had to run outside so I was already a bit stressed about the whole thing.

And now he has passed out. The nurse assured me he was ok, but that he had hit his head on the floor when he went down. She was making sure he had something to eat and was making him drink juice. She was going to keep him there for a bit and then send him back to class if he was feeling ok. No need to come pick him up.

So. There I sit at work worried like crazy. I chatted with a co-worker about it and about how I am really struggling to between taking care of him and letting him be independent and take care of himself now that he is in high school. It is a skill he needs to develop, but he’s still my baby.

A little bit later, my phone rings again. It is the school nurse. Zach has now thrown up in class, so they are concerned that he could potentially have a concussion. Now it is time to pick him up and yes, I should probably take him to the doctor to get checked out.

As I rush to get to his school, which is now about a 30-minute drive from where I work, I’m calling the doctor’s office to see if I need to bring him there, go to urgent care, or to emergency room. I haven’t done the whole concussion thing before. They said to bring him in to their office and they would check him over.

When I got to school, he was looking so frail and weak. It broke my heart. There’s that thing where no matter how big they are, you just want to wrap them in your arms and protect them. That’s where I was in that moment. But, I’m sure he’d had enough embarrassment for the day so I refrained.

We got to the doctor and had him checked out. The doctor did not see signs of a concussion. Whew. She did tell him to take it easy the rest of the night, drink lots of fluids, and no screens. She also gave him a 48 hour pass for gym class. She pretty much determined the whole episode was caused by over exertion and getting over heated, which is not unusual for him.

He pretty much slept the rest of the day (on the couch ’cause I wasn’t letting him out of my sight) and most of the evening. I made him get up to eat and then he went right back to sleeping.

During all of this, Evie and Caleb got home from school and Caleb’s bus dropped him off at the wrong bus stop. It is down the block at the other corner. It wouldn’t have been a huge deal, except for the fact that this was the third time (out of 4 days) that it had happened. I thought it was fixed after a call to the bus company, but then it happened again. And the heat index was 106 degrees at the time. My poor kiddo came in the door dripping with sweat and bright red cheeks. Mama was not ok with this. I certainly didn’t need a second kid passing out or throwing up because of the heat. Another call was made to the bus company and well, I can’t say that I was very nice on the phone. However, on day five, he was dropped off at the right stop.

Also in the mix of all of this, I had to leave to go to a meeting at work. Oh, and did I mention that Hubby was out of town too? I gave Evie strict instructions to keep an eye on her older brother and keep the noise level down. She did her job, and also texted me photos of him sleeping while I was in my meeting.

When I got home from my meeting, the house was a mess, the dog needed walked, the trash needed gathered and the bins put out for trash pickup, I needed to update the school nurse on Zach, contact his gym teacher, and I was just mentally exhausted.

I sent out a quick email to the nurse to let her know Zach’s doctor does not think he has a concussion. Then I decided to email the Coach. That may not have been the best idea. I should have let me head clear a bit, but at that point I wasn’t sure if Zach would be going back to school the next day or not so I wanted to make sure he knew about the 48 hour pass for gym class, plus fill him in a little on Zach and his physical ability. I tried really hard to be tactful, but the mama bear may have been showing a bit.

I may have yelled a little too much getting the kids in bed. Then I still had to walk the dog and do all the cleaning up before I could go to bed. While I was walking the dog I called Hubby to fill him in on everything and I pretty much just spent all that time griping and complaining about everything that had happened that day. Not my finest moment, but I guess I just needed someone to listen.

Things are better today. Zach is feeling better and is back to school today. The bus situation was fixed yesterday and hopefully continues to be fixed this time. I wish I could go back and fix my attitude, but sadly it doesn’t work that way. I obviously still need to work on better stress management.

Here’s to the rest of the week being as uneventful as possible!

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School Days

Here we are again. It’s been a while since I have posted anything here. We have had a whirlwind of a summer. I feel like summer had really just begun these last couple weeks and here we are starting school again.

This was the summer of “The Move.” We finally bought a house. It is terrifying – the financial responsibility home ownership after renting for so long. But, it was definitely time to do it. We spent most of the month of May getting the new house ready – painting, cleaning, etc. The kids got out of school June 7th and we moved June 8th. Then, amidst unpacking and trying to get settled in the new house, we spent most of June cleaning, painting, and fixing up the old rental house before we turned the keys over. July sped by as we worked on getting settled and here we are already in the middle of August (still with some boxes to unpack) and school has started.

There are so many reasons we wanted to move, but the primary reason has always been to get the kids in better schools. One day in and I am so incredibly grateful for the school district we are now in. The supports they have built into the school day for the kids are amazing. Teachers and counselors have been extremely responsive. The higher expectations they have for their students are laid out from the beginning. I am so excited about the options and opportunities they will have here. Even my oldest, for whom school is rather challenging (and who hates change and new experiences) had a great first day yesterday and is very positive about everything so far.

The hardest part of school starting is going to be adjusting to a new schedule. The bus is coming at 6:40 for the big kids, which is a huge difference from what they are used to. And a huge difference for me. My new wake up time is 5:30 a.m. Let’s just say I’m not a morning person and neither are my kids. The bus thing is all new as well. For the last 9 years, I have driven kids to school every morning. It is strange to put them on a bus and trust someone else to get them to school and back home.

The benefit of this schedule, however, is a little quiet time to myself in the mornings in between the bigs leaving and the little one getting up. I don’t know how long I’ll keep it up, but for two days in a row now I’ve been showered and ready to start my day at 6:30. Since Caleb’s bus doesn’t come until almost 8:00, I have a little time to just do my thing before I even need to wake him. Today, I’m writing. Not that this is anything amazing, but knocking the cobwebs down in this space is a good thing. I’m hoping to spend more time writing, reading, photo editing, maybe even exercising (!). I’m sure a routine will work itself out over time. For now, I’m just enjoying the quiet in this space.

We also added this guy to our family about a month ago. Phoenix is an almost 10-month-old Jack Russell Terrier. His family needed to re-home him due do some medical and scheduling issues and I’m so happy that we were able to add him to our family. He is super energetic, but also so sweet and loving – just not so much toward the cats. We’re working on some training, but he loves to go on walks (and runs) and is getting me out exercising as well which is a great thing. I’m totally smitten.

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6.99

Tomorrow Caleb turns seven. It’s not one of those big monumental birthdays, just a regular middle-of-the-road kind of birthday, yet it still feels very significant. This morning I pulled up Facebook and was greeted with a photo memory the two of us, taken just before his first birthday. Oh how life has changed since then.

caleb reading bey blade paper
Checking out new bey blades

As I scrolled through the memories that Facebook so graciously pulls together, I clicked over to one of my Tuesdays With Caleb posts. That sent me through a wormhole here on this site as I read and reminisced over the photos taken during that time with him. What I wouldn’t give to have those days back. I was definitely thankful then for that time, but even more so now. Being able to work from home a couple days a week and spend time with him was such a gift.

caleb on ipad
a little iPad time

So much has changed since then and I’m a little sad that I’ve failed to document it. I’m really sad that I was not able to continue the photo project I started with him. I’ve taken snapshots on my phone and posted little tidbits to Facebook and Instagram, but the early years of his life were not documented in the same way that his siblings were. I can blame it on life being more busy with three little ones, or the fact that life with Caleb has been a little bit more of a difficult adventure than we expected, or even the fact that I just can’t calm my brain down enough most days to focus on writing, but regardless, I am sad that I don’t have that time to look back on. I have memories, but the details are lost.

caleb with bey blades
Let ’em rip! Bey Blade time!

Today is President’s Day, so the kids and I all have a day off of school and work. We’re preparing to celebrate Caleb’s birthday tonight with the family as tomorrow will be busy with back to school/work/activities. I pulled out my camera this morning and decided I’m going to document just a little. I can’t promise that I’ll continue to write, or even keep up with the photos – but for today, I’ll have those photos and this post to document this time in his life.

cat playing with paper
Bonus kitty photo!

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