Category: Life

2 kids, 2 dogs, 2 cats, and 1 husband – life isn’t perfect, but it is what we make it

Under the Knife

Published by dee on March 20, 2007

Dear Zachary,

Please indulge me if I need a little extra cuddling tonight because your mama is a wee bit distraught. You have no idea what is in store for you tomorrow, but I do and the images going through my head are creating a deep desire to hold you tightly and never let go.

You see, tomorrow morning we will wake up a little earlier than usual. We will get up and get dressed and everything will seem normal. You may get a little upset when you ask for your “tock-otte” in your “mock” (milk) and I can’t give it to you, but other than that you won’t see much of a difference. Then we’ll load up in the car and head to the hospital.

Once we get to the hospital, we’ll have to sign you in. The nurses will help you get all ready while I try not to have a panic attack. Eventually, they will give you some medicine that will put you into a very deep sleep. They will make Mama leave the room when they do that and go off into a waiting room.

While I sit in a far off room trying to distract myself with books, magazines, or knitting, they will take you back into the operating room. The doctors will make two tiny incisions inside your ears and insert tubes in them. Hopefully, this will help your ears drain better so that you can quit getting those nasty ear infections that you seem so prone to. The surgery itself will take less than ten minutes, or so I’m told anyway. The part that will drive me crazy, is having to sit and wait for you to wake back up afterwards.

The part that is causing me heartache is knowing that you will wake up in a hospital bed, not knowing where you are, and not having your mama anywhere nearby. I know that fear well, as I have been through it many times. Even when I was old enough to have an understanding of what was going on, it was still a little scary.

I just want you to know, that as soon as they let me, I will be there by your side to hold you and comfort you. Maybe I’m making a big deal out of nothing, but someday when you are a parent yourself you will understand. That instinct to comfort and protect your child is so strong that nothing can hold it back.

So, like I said, I may need a little extra cuddling tonight but I’ll be sure to give you yours tomorrow.

Love,
Mama

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Hiding

Published by dee on March 19, 2007

Some days I feel so lost. It is as if I am standing still and time moves on without me. There seems to be a whirlwind of activity around me, yet I can’t force myself to be a part of it. Instead I choose to sink into myself, into my own little world where things are calm. I suppose that is my escape mechanism. It is how I fend off the feeling of being overwhelmed with life. When the responsibility and the guilt get to be too much, I run away. I hide within myself. That’s where I am today. Don’t try to find me.

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Slowly Opening the Door

Published by dee on March 16, 2007

I’ve been thinking a lot this week about what I write on this blog. As I get more and more interested in writing I find that my need to expose this blog is becoming greater. This is the largest collection of my writing that exists (even though it is actually quite small). The majority of my thoughts written with pen and paper have been destroyed at some point (usually in fits of rage), with the exception of a few research papers that were written for school. Even though many of the posts here are quite mundane, I love seeing the progression of my writing. I think I have drastically improved since the beginning of my first blog (I wrote elsewhere before I came here).

The thought of my real life family and friends reading the words I have written here absolutely terrifies me. Opening it up to Hubby was hard enough. I am not they type to talk openly about my feelings. In fact, I generally try to hide my true feelings even from myself. There are parts of me that not even my closest friends know about. Blogging has helped me to express thoughts and feelings that previously only existed inside my head. It has helped me discover so much about myself and to come out of my shell a little bit. It taught me about self-expression, and about how good it feels when someone else really gets you.

Blogging has helped me to branch out and explore possibilities that I never would have considered in the past. I applied for online writing positions and actually got one. I have become much more interested in photography, even though I still don’t have the equipment to be able to branch out much with it. I even started knitting after reading about so many other bloggers that were making such cool things. It has even pointed me to books that I really need to be reading.

I’m not sure where I’m really trying to go with this, except to say that blogging has done so many good things for me. It has become increasingly harder not to mention my blog in casual conversations. It is even more difficult not to mention all of the really great people that I have “met” through blogging. I find myself saying, “I was talking to this online friend today…” entirely too much and eventually people are going to start wondering who in the heck I’m talking to. I think I am closer to my online friends than my real life friends these days.

My fear and lack of confidence in myself have kept me from sharing this web page with the people in my life that I care about the most. As time goes by I feel my false sense of privacy that I once had here closing in and I wonder if I should not just go ahead and tell them all Plain Jane style. Regardless of whether I tell them or not, it is going to come out, at least to those that live near me-if they are paying attention. The thought of that makes my heart sink and my head get a little dizzy, but I think perhaps it is time. I’m a little tired of living in the closet.

So, back to where I started. I have been thinking a lot about what I write on this site. I’ve been cleaning things up a little bit and will probably continue to do so over the next few weeks. A few archived entries may disappear. I have written some things that may not have really been appropriate to share and those will be unpublished. I also want to finish copying and pasting in some older entries from my previous blog site so if you are reading via a feed you might be seeing some strange stuff coming through. Specifically, I want to copy all of my pregnancy and Zach-related entries over here so that they are all in the same place.

I most likely will be adjusting my writing style a little bit too as I open this site up to my real life. Self-censorship has always been my biggest concern with sharing this site and I hope that I will be able to continue the honesty that I have always had here. I may just have to be a little more careful about how I say things in the future.

My biggest hope is that all of my regular readers will stick around while I’m transitioning a bit. I’m a little terrified and a little excited right now. I just hope you will all continue on this roller coaster ride with me because I love every single one of you.

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Even My Abs Hurt, But That's Good Right?

Published by dee on March 14, 2007

Last week I mentioned that I was going to start working out. I even asked for suggestions of songs to help motivate me and a few of you had some great ideas for me. I haven’t finalized the playlist yet (or even really started on it) due to lack of time, but I do have intentions of doing so in the near future.

My goal was to start on Monday and at least get myself on the treadmill 3 days a week for 30 minutes. The bad news is that I didn’t get my playlist ready and I didn’t get on the treadmill. The good news is that I walked for an hour and a half Monday night.

When I was picking Zach up from day care, my friend A asked if I wanted to take the kids in their strollers and go walk at a local park. It was such a beautiful day out that I couldn’t decline the invitation. I knew that Hubby had dinner ready at home, so Zach and I went home to eat dinner, then changed clothes and headed off to the park with A and her son.

I had been to this park before, but very briefly because I was in search of baby swings for Zach and there were none to be found. What kind of park has a toddler sized playground and no baby swings? This one, apparently. What I didn’t notice when I was there before is that they have some very nice biking/walking/running trails.

A and I headed off onto the trails at a pretty quick pace. When we started walking I told her the story about how I got all motivated one Saturday morning and decided to go for a walk. I also told her how I walked for way too long without bothering to turn around and my short walk ended up being about a three hour walk that resulted in much soreness and several blisters. Then I told her how I wanted to make sure never to do that again. It was such a stupid thing to do, right?

Um, I kind of did it again, except this time it was only an hour an a half instead of three hours. A and I were so busy walking and talking that we kind of quit paying attention to where we were going. Before we knew it, it was getting very dark and we had absolutely no idea how far we were from our cars. We also just happened to be walking along a very dark portion of the path that was wooded on both sides. That’s when we both started to freak out just a little bit. Two women pushing babies (excuse me, a baby and a toddler) in a dark wooded area? Probably not the safest thing I’ve ever done.

We could see that there was a main road not too far away, so we found a little pathway and cut across a soccer field to get to the road where there was at least a little bit of light. Zach was giggling and enjoying the bumpy ride, but at that point I just wanted to get back to my car. There was no sidewalk near the road so we huffed it through the grass. Zach’s stroller was most definitely not made for off-roading. I was kind of dreaming of self-propelled strollers at that point. Do they make those? I think they would sell.

Eventually, a sidewalk started on the opposite side of the road so we crossed over to the nice smooth pavement. By that point Zach was getting extremely bored and kept trying to turn around to get my attention. My legs were starting to ache and I could feel blisters forming on my feet. But! We were almost back to the park!

The last ten minutes or so of that walk felt like an hour. I’m pretty sure I have never, ever been so happy to see my car. I was tired, but at the same time I felt great physically. Even though we were only walking, we kept it at a fairly quick pace the entire time. It has been a while since I have pushed myself like that. It felt so good that I rewarded myself with not one, but two, scoops of cookie dough when I got home.

I’m still feeling the effects of the walk today. I feel muscles that I didn’t know I was even using while I was walking. I guess that goes to show just how out of shape I am! It feels really good though. The blisters on my feet aren’t feeling so good, but I’m hoping that will go away soon.

A and I plan to do this again, hopefully at least once or twice a week while the weather is nice. The best part of it is that it actually was fun and didn’t feel so much like exercise. I think next time I’ll make sure and set the alarm on my phone for 30 minutes into the walk and actually turn around when it goes off.

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I've Created A Monster

Published by dee on March 13, 2007

A few weeks ago, I noticed that Zach’s day care provider was adding chocolate to his milk every once in a while as a treat. I had given him chocolate milk a few times at home, but it wasn’t a regular thing. The next time I went to the store I picked up a bottle of chocolate syrup just to have on hand (since the one in our fridge was years old). As soon as he saw it, he got all excited and wanted some right then and there. Since then, the chocolate milk has become a daily thing. Every time I go to get him a cup of milk, he begs for his “tock-otte.”

Then, last weekend we made a trip to Sam’s to pick up a few things. I was going to pick up a package of their pre-made cookies since my sister and her kids were coming over, but decided instead to get the big tub of chocolate chip cookie dough and bake them myself. That way they would be all warm and gooey, just the way I like them. Besides that, I could sneak a spoonful or two of dough out and no one would notice.

Apparently I wasn’t sneaky enough with the cookie dough, because Zach caught me with a spoonful Saturday night and wanted a bite. Being the loving mom that I am, I just couldn’t deny him the joy of chocolate chip cookie dough. Let me tell ya, the boy enjoyed that cookie dough. He enjoyed it so much that he kept asking for “more”. After sharing another spoonful, I told him that was enough and put the spoon in the sink. He wasn’t done though. He marched right into the kitchen, opened the drawer, pulled out a spoon, held it up to me and said, “more!”

Now every time I go toward the fridge he is either asking for “tock-otte” or grabbing a spoon out of the drawer in order to get a little scoop of cookie dough. I think his chocolate addiction is starting to surpass mine and that is a scary thing. It kind of makes me miss the days when he would just beg for cheese or carrots.

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Are We Really Saving Time?

Published by dee on March 12, 2007

This whole Daylight Saving Time thing is kicking my butt today. Yesterday wasn’t a big deal because it was Sunday and I didn’t have to get up quite so early. Today, on the other hand, is sucking big time because my body thinks I should still be in bed. I was very tempted to hurl the alarm clock across the room when it went off this morning, and I might have done just that if I was a little more awake at the time. Instead I slammed my hand down on the snooze button, only to have the alarm go off again in what seemed like a mere two seconds later. Add to that the fact that I had to crawl out of bed when it was still very dark outside, and we have the makings of a very grumpy morning.

Zach didn’t adjust to the time change very well either. He stayed up until about 8:30, but still wasn’t ready to go to sleep when I put him in bed. He normally lays down and goes right to sleep when I take him to his room. Last night I had to give him a book to get him to even lay down and I could still hear him playing around more than thirty minutes later. I suppose that is why he was still sound asleep when I went in to get him up this morning. I even gave him a good twenty minutes extra to sleep since I was running late myself.

We had a pretty good weekend, although I could have used another day or two off work. We got to hang out with my sis and her family, watch a few movies, play at the park, and just relax. The weather was beautiful and is making me really anxious for the Spring and Summer months. Hopefully we won’t have any more cold blasts coming our way until Fall. The only bad part is that my allergies are kicking it into high gear all of a sudden. So, if you see some crazy lady running around rubbing her itchy red eyes and constantly blowing her drippy nose, that’s probably me. I’ll be coping with the tub of chocolate chip cookie dough in my fridge.

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