Category: Living the Life

I am so glad that it is finally Wednesday.  I have yet to find any real pleasantness in this week and really, I am trying. 

Zach is teething.  Plus, on top of the teething, he has recently turned into a snot factory with a raging cough.  All of those combined are keeping him up at night, which means that I am up at night too.  Usually if he wakes up at night I can stick a pacifier in his mouth, cuddle with him for a few minutes, and he is back asleep.  That method has not worked at all this week.  When he wakes up he is up for a minimum of 30 minutes and the only way I can get him back to sleep is to give him a bottle.  My body had just started really adjusting to sleeping through the night again and this is really throwing me off.

Lastnight I pretty much got told by hubby that I was only getting a card for Mother’s Day, but that he would make Zach sign it.  Sure feels good to be appreciated.  Thanks so much!  Was it really necessary to tell me that?  It would have been enough of a blow when you gave me the card.

So, I said yesterday I was focusing on positive things, right?

Zach’s baby-sitter has her ultrasound tomorrow and will hopefully find out whether she’s having a boy or girl.  I’m almost as excited as she is I think!  I’m ready to go buy some pink yarn and start making a cute little baby blanket and possibly a matching hat.

My first article that I submitted to Creative Reporter got published yesterday.  That’s a start, right?

There are only 2 1/2 more work days this week.

The End.

The last couple of weeks haven’t been too great for me.  I’ve kind of been on a downward spiral and trying desperately to pull myself out of it.  Sometimes life just gets to be more than what I can handle.  Saturday night I was at a party and everyone was having a great time…except me.  I just couldn’t shake the feelings I was having.  I should have been enjoying myself, but instead was wallowing in my depression.

No one really seemed to notice except for my sister.  I can usually hide things pretty well, but I guess she saw through me.  We had a talk about some things that did seem to help a little.  It was really her talking about her problems, but they were similar to mine and it made me feel a little better.  I was able to get a couple of things off my chest that have been weighing me down.  For once, I think she actually understood what I was feeling.  Nobody else I know really gets it because they haven’t been in the same situation.

Since Saturday night I have really been trying to focus on the positive things in my life.  I spent all day Sunday actually relaxing at my sister’s house.  I even snuggled up with hubby on the couch for a while and didn’t mind it so much.  I watched Zach and his cousins play together and enjoyed being with my family. 

I’ve also been really focusing on Zach and all of his recent accomplishments.  He can now take 2-3 steps at a time before he falls down.  Plus, two more teeth broke through lastnight (it was so lovely when he woke up screaming at 4:30 because of it too).  And, did you see that last post?  He is learning to use his toys as ladders!  I’m never going to be able to contain him again!

When I keep my mind on the positive, I don’t get quite as down about the negative stuff.  I know it is still looming underneath, but as usual, I’m just pushing it away and trying not to think about it.  I’m sure it will come back up to the surface soon, but in the meantime I’m just going to try to enjoy myself.

It is 8:40 p.m. on Friday night.  Zach is in bed asleep.  Hubby is at a friend’s house.  Pearl Jam is playing on the stereo.  The T.V. is turned off.  There’s a pizza in the oven.  I’m sitting on the couch, my notebook computer in my lap.  I can hear the swishing of the dishwasher in the kitchen.  The dog is curled up next to me.  For once, I am alone.  At this very moment, life could not be more perfect.

Today it is the 2-month anniversary of my brother-in-laws’s death.  Honestly, I hadn’t even thought about it until I just received an e-mail from hubby’s aunt titled "In Memory of Josh".  I suppose that means I am moving on.  Then I wonder how I could possibly forget.  How can I move on and not even think of him?

I wonder if I am selfish because I don’t think of him and his family more often.  Am I a bad person because I have failed in my promise to keep in touch with his wife and my nephew?  Or, is this just my way of coping?  Is it okay to want to forget?  Isn’t it easier to avoid the situation than to feel the pain?

Is it wrong of me to want to click away and not read the e-mail from his aunt who talks about how this is God’s plan and that he now has peace and how glad she is that he has a family who have all been "saved" and how God will comfort us?  Because no matter how much I believe in God, it still doesn’t make this feel any better.

Is it wrong of me to be mad at her for sending the e-mail because I know that hubby will read it when he gets home and spend the rest of the evening and possibly the upcoming weekend being severly depressed, angry, and missing his brother?  Is it selfish of me to not want him to have to feel that sadness and pain?

I miss Josh.  I know that my pain isn’t even close to the pain that his family has.  I only knew him for about 4 years.  They knew him for 27.  But, it still doesn’t make it any easier.