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Author: dee

Come Back

Published by dee on April 14, 2006

I’ve been thinking a lot the last few days about my brother-in-law, Josh.  On Wednesday, I attended the funeral of a co-worker’s father.  I had only met him a couple of times, but went to the funeral to offer my condolences to the family.  I honestly wasn’t sure how I would feel once I got there, but as I kind of expected, it was really hard for me.  The second I walked up to the grave site, the memories of Josh’s funeral came flooding back.

I have attended lots of funerals in my lifetime.  I have lost several family members and a few friends along the way.  But, up until Josh died, I had never been to a funeral where someone wasn’t ill or died of natural causes.  I had never been to a funeral for someone so young.  Josh’s death touched me and made me feel things that I have never had to feel before.  I still don’t really know how to process the whole thing.

What bothers me the most, is that I don’t understand how someone so full of life and with so much to live for could feel like he had nothing to live for.  He has a beautiful son who thinks the world of him and a family that loves him so much, yet he felt like he had nobody in the world.  I don’t understand it and I guess I never will.

Some days it still seems so unreal.  We go through our day to day routine and don’t think about him.  It is like he is still down there in Louisiana doing his thing and next time we visit he will be there.  Then suddenly the picture of him laying in his casket floods my mind and I know it is real.  The feeling of sadness washes over my body with such intensity.

The lyrics to "Come Back" from the new Pearl Jam cd (yeah, I know, again with the Pearl Jam.  I’m obsessed, ok?) keep rolling through my head. It may be that the lyrics were simply written about love lost, but to me, it is about death.  To me, this will always be Josh’s song.

Come Back by Pearl Jam 

If I keep holding out will the light shine through?
Under this broken roof, it’s only rain that I feel I’ve been wishing out the days…come back
 
I have been planning out all that I’d say to you Since you slipped away. Know that I still remain true I’ve been wishing out the days….
 
Please say, that if you hadn’t of gone now I wouldn’t have lost you another way From wherever you are….come back
 
And these days, they linger on
And in the night as I’m waiting for
The real possibility I may meet you in my dream I go to sleep
 
If I don’t fall apart will my memories stay clear So you had to go and I had to remain here
 
But the strangest thing to date
So far away
And yet you feel so close
And I’m not gonna question it any other way
 
There must be an open door
For you to come back
 
And the days, they linger on
And every night, what I’m waiting for
Is the real possibility I may meet you in my dream
 
And sometimes you’re here and you’re talking back to me Come the morning I could swear you’re next to me And it’s okay.
 
It’s okay.
It’s okay.
 
I’ll be here
Come back
Come back
 
I’ll be here
 

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Flirting With Disaster

Published by dee on April 13, 2006

Ever since I discovered that new Target store, I have been living life a little dangerously.  I can’t seem to stay away.  Today I stopped in just to see if I could find a pair of cheap little shoes to go with Zach’s Easter outfit.  That is all I needed to get.  Well, I didn’t find any shoes I liked for him, but I did find some other stuff.  You know that neat little $1 area at the front of the store?  They just happened to have a whole bunch of sports themed stuff that would work just perfectly in Zach’s bedroom.  They had the light switch and electrical outlet covers, a little set of hooks to put on his wall, picture frames, a football shaped sign for his door, and even knobs that will go on his dresser drawers.  After grabbing a drink and paying for a couple of $1 items my mom picked up, I got out of there for about $25.

Now, you might think that a $25 purchase is not so bad considering all that I bought.  The problem is that I really didn’t have the extra $25 to spend.  It might not have been so bad if I hadn’t bought Zach’s new adorable little Red Sox hat off of e-bay this morning.  You see, I have a bit of a shopping problem.  I LOVE to shop.  I especially LOVE to shop when I think that I’m getting a great bargain.  This is why Wal-Mart, Target, and Old Navy are my favorite stores.  I almost always shop off of the clearance racks and end up with a really good deal or two.  The problem is that my good deals tend to add up eventually and before I know it I’ve spent way more money than I planned on spending.

Today I spent $25 plus $13 and some change.  But, I still have to get Zach some shoes for Easter because he has outgrown the ones he has and we passed them down to his (6 months older) cousin.  Plus, I was really hoping to get myself some new sandals and a couple of bras that actually fit (I didn’t realize just how much room that milk was taking up until I stopped the breastfeeding).  This does not work so well into my trying to scrimp and save money plan.  Somehow I have got to get my spending under control, get some debts paid off and start saving again.

In the near future, some of our baby expenses will go down.  Zach is eating mostly table foods now so I don’t have to buy as much baby food.  Hopefully soon I won’t have to buy any.  We have cut down one bottle of formula a day and replaced it with whole milk which seems to be going well.  Over the next couple of months I plan to phase out the formula completely.  Plus, when he turns a year old, his day care costs will go down by $10 a week, which doesn’t seem like much, but will make a difference.  And, he is pretty well set for summer clothes now (in three different sizes) so unless he hits a major growth spurt I shouldn’t have to buy any more clothes until fall.

Now the only problem is disciplining myself.  I’m not so good at that.  I do fine as long as I don’t have to go to any stores, but the second I step in Target or Wal-mart to pick up a package of diapers, I lose control.  Is this normal or am I just sick in the head?

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PJ On My Mind

Published by dee on April 11, 2006

All I can seem to think about today is Pearl Jam.  Yesterday, a friend sent me the remaining tracks off of the soon to be released cd.  Since then, with the exception of the few hours I was sleeping lastnight, I have been listening to it non-stop.  Every song is so good that I can’t even pick out a favorite.  I am now so anxious for May 2nd that I can barely stand it.  The leaked version of the songs are not very high quality and I absolutely cannot wait to hear the crisp, clean cd version.  I am certainly not as lucky as ONE LUCKY FAN who has had the pleasure of listening to the actual cd (not that I’m jealous or anything).

I’ve been sitting here all morning scheming up ways to get the mailman to run my route a little earlier on May 2nd so I can go home at lunch and get my hands on my pre-ordered copy.  What do you think would work?  Warm home baked chocolate chip cookies?  Leaving the windows open while I run around the house naked?  No, that would probably scare him away.  Maybe I could teach Zach to say "Bring me my Pearl Jam, sucka!"  The cuteness just might overwhelm him.  Or, the other option is to just beg and plead until he is so annoyed that he gives in.  That works with the hubby sometimes.  As you can see, I’m just not very creative.  I usually get what I want without having to work so hard for it.  If you have any ideas, please share.  I can use all the help I can get with this one.

I was thinking lastnight about when I first got into Pearl Jam.  I was a little bit of a late bloomer when it comes to Pearl Jam.  Most people I know who are the kind of Pearl Jam fanatic that I have become were there with them back in the beginning when Ten came out.  Back then I was still recovering from my NKOTB phase and my musical tastes were all over the place.  I had heard of Pearl Jam, and even knew a few of their songs,  but it wasn’t until my boyfriend brought over his copy of Vitalogy that I really got hooked.  First, it was the slow songs like Nothingman, Corduroy, and Better Man that I got into.  Eventually, the rest of the cd started growing on me and I had to go out and buy my own copy. 

Just after I went off to college in 1996, No Code was released.  I remember driving to St. Joe just to buy the cd.  We immediately popped it into the cd player and it was love at first listen.  Although I will never claim to have a favorite Pearl Jam album, if I had to pick one, it might be No Code.  Not only do I absolutely love the cd, but it has a lot of sentimental value to it as well.  It practically lived in my cd player during my college years…until Yield came out at least.

Some of my best memories during my college years are the Pearl Jam concerts that we went to.  My ex-husband and his best friend are even bigger Pearl Jam fans than myself and the three of us, along with other various friends, went to several PJ shows during those years.  My favorite of those being the one in Knoxville, which I’m sure I’ve mentioned here before.  Ex-hubby’s best friend was in the 3rd row at that show (the rest of us weren’t that lucky) and was able to take a few pictures.  I have one of Ed blown up that hangs on the wall right above my guitars.  Every time I look at it the memories of that show come flooding back.  What I wouldn’t give to be able to make another road trip like that!

After college, my love for Pearl Jam faded just a little bit.  The ex-hubby and I got divorced and listening to Pearl Jam brought back too many memories that I just wasn’t able to face at the time.  I bought Binaural when it came out, but didn’t listen to it much.  I just couldn’t get into it then.  It actually wasn’t until after Riot Act was released that I went back to Binaural and could finally appreciate it.  Once I started really listening to them again, my love was back in full force.

I’ve been to a couple of PJ shows since college and even as much as I love the band, it is just never the same as it was back in the college days.  The difference is that now I don’t have anyone to enjoy it with.  A Pearl Jam concert is just not the same when you go with someone who isn’t a big fan.  One year I took a couple of friends and my brother with me.  The next time I took hubby with me (the one who insists that PJ hasn’t come out with anything good since Vs.).  I enjoyed the shows, but it just hasn’t ever been the same.

I’m really hoping and praying that PJ releases a Kansas City date on their summer tour.  Hubby has already been informed that I am going with or without him.  He is willing to go, but I would much rather go with someone who will really enjoy the concert.  Anyone wanna go with me?  If the leaked songs off of the new cd are any indication, this tour is going to be HUGE and I really want to be there.

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Monday Comes Too Fast

Published by dee on April 10, 2006

apr_06 025We had a wonderful, yet exhausting weekend again.  It is frustrating sometimes to keep up with the pace at which we live our lives, but at the same time, I know that it will only get worse as Zach gets older.

I lucked out and got out of the Bunco game Friday night.  Turns out that my friend had the date wrong and it was actually supposed to be Saturday instead of Friday.  So, it got moved from her house to another house and unfortunately, I already had plans for Saturday.

So, instead of playing Bunco, we just hung out and visited instead which was quite alright with me.  We didn’t make it home until around 2:00 in the morning and then Zach decided I should stay up a bit longer.  I finally got to bed around 3:00.  Four short hours later, Zach was ready to get up for the day, which means I got to get up too.  Usually Saturday morning is my day to sleep in while hubby gets up but since he downed a 12-pack the night before, I let him sleep.

Zach and I watched a movie and when it was over, I put him down for his morning nap.  While he was asleep, I got dressed and went outside to work on the yard for a bit.  I trimmed up the bushes in front of the house and raked the leaves out from under them that had been collecting all winter.  While I did that, hubby got up and mowed the yard.  It looks about 100% better than it did before.

After the yardwork was done, I went inside and did a majorly rushed clean-up of the house, took a quick shower and then we headed out to meet up with my sister and her family for my brother-in-law’s birthday celebration.  We went to Dave & Busters for dinner and some game playing.  I totally kicked some butt playing Skee Ball.  Zach was much more interested in watching the guys throwing the basketballs next to us.  Future NBA star maybe? 

When we had all blown through our money we went back to my house to have birthday cake and watch a movie.  I made it through the cake, got Zach to bed, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the floor about 10 minutes into the movie.  I’m such a good hostess!  I woke up about the time the credits were rolling.

apr_06 027Sunday was a pretty busy day too.  After church and dinner with my family, we all went to watch my nephew play soccer.  I think this is his third year playing and he is getting much better.  The last couple of years he had a really hard time keeping his head in the game.  This year he is much more focused on where the ball is and even kept the other team from scoring a couple of goals.  After the game we treated him to some ice cream at Dairy Queen and then finally headed home.

I was so exhausted that I didn’t do laundry or dishes or anything lastnight.  I guess I have a fun night ahead of me tonight.  Well, after I catch up on lastnight’s episode of Big Love anyway.


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Oh, the Cuteness!

Published by dee on April 7, 2006

This is the absolute cutest thing I have ever seen. It might have made me heart melt just a little bit.

Also, I might mention that I am SO glad that it is Friday.

Hubby had to work way late lastnight which gave me time to cool off and hang out with Zach.  When he got home, the fighting was right back on, but the few hours in between were nice.  Hopefully we got some things out of our system lastnight and the weekend won’t be too bad.

I gave in to a friend and told her that I would come play Bunco with her tonight.  So not looking forward to that.  I’m not really into playing games.  Unless they involve shots and large amounts of tequila anyway.  Plus, Bunco reminds me of an old friend that I no longer talk to and that makes me sad.

Saturday we are going out to celebrate my brother-in-law’s (sis’s hubby) birthday.  Should be fun.  Might go to Dave & Busters which I think he would enjoy.

Either Saturday or Sunday I need to get to one of my nephew’s soccer games.  Only two weeks left and I haven’t made it to one yet.  I’m such a bad aunt!

Oh, and Zach had his 9-month check-up today.  They pretty much told me that he is perfect.  He weighs 22 pounds and is 30 1/2 inches long.  He’s in the 95th percentile for height and 75th for weight.  Not too shabby!  Plus the doc confirmed that it is ok to start introducing some whole milk into his diet which I am all for.  Formula is entirely too expensive.  Even cutting out one formula bottle a day would make a difference!

Guess that is all.  I’m gonna cut outta work early and get a head start on the weekend.  Adios!

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