I’ve been thinking a lot the last few days about my brother-in-law, Josh. On Wednesday, I attended the funeral of a co-worker’s father. I had only met him a couple of times, but went to the funeral to offer my condolences to the family. I honestly wasn’t sure how I would feel once I got there, but as I kind of expected, it was really hard for me. The second I walked up to the grave site, the memories of Josh’s funeral came flooding back.
I have attended lots of funerals in my lifetime. I have lost several family members and a few friends along the way. But, up until Josh died, I had never been to a funeral where someone wasn’t ill or died of natural causes. I had never been to a funeral for someone so young. Josh’s death touched me and made me feel things that I have never had to feel before. I still don’t really know how to process the whole thing.
What bothers me the most, is that I don’t understand how someone so full of life and with so much to live for could feel like he had nothing to live for. He has a beautiful son who thinks the world of him and a family that loves him so much, yet he felt like he had nobody in the world. I don’t understand it and I guess I never will.
Some days it still seems so unreal. We go through our day to day routine and don’t think about him. It is like he is still down there in Louisiana doing his thing and next time we visit he will be there. Then suddenly the picture of him laying in his casket floods my mind and I know it is real. The feeling of sadness washes over my body with such intensity.
The lyrics to "Come Back" from the new Pearl Jam cd (yeah, I know, again with the Pearl Jam. I’m obsessed, ok?) keep rolling through my head. It may be that the lyrics were simply written about love lost, but to me, it is about death. To me, this will always be Josh’s song.
Come Back by Pearl Jam
If I keep holding out will the light shine through?
Under this broken roof, it’s only rain that I feel I’ve been wishing out the days…come back
I have been planning out all that I’d say to you Since you slipped away. Know that I still remain true I’ve been wishing out the days….
Please say, that if you hadn’t of gone now I wouldn’t have lost you another way From wherever you are….come back
And these days, they linger on
And in the night as I’m waiting for
The real possibility I may meet you in my dream I go to sleep
If I don’t fall apart will my memories stay clear So you had to go and I had to remain here
But the strangest thing to date
So far away
And yet you feel so close
And I’m not gonna question it any other way
There must be an open door
For you to come back
And the days, they linger on
And every night, what I’m waiting for
Is the real possibility I may meet you in my dream
And sometimes you’re here and you’re talking back to me Come the morning I could swear you’re next to me And it’s okay.
I’ll be here
I’ll be here