Month: October 2006

I used to think of myself as being highly intelligent. Then I met the real world.

Growing up I was always one of the "smart" kids in class. I pretty much made straight A’s in school and could compete with the other smart kids with no problem. There were a few I met along that way that were smarter than me and that was fine as long as I wasn’t too far behind.

My parents always encouraged me in school and always expected me to do my best. I loved art and music, but I didn’t excell in those subjects. I was never artsy enough to hang with the artsy fartsy crowd and even though I loved music (and my instructors always said I had a natural talent for it) the clarinet I played wasn’t exactly going to get me anywhere in the world of rock and roll so I focused on the books.

It didn’t take a lot of effort for me to get good grades. I went to class. I did the homework. I studied only for the most difficult tests and flew through the easy ones without needing to study. I always thought that I was really intelligent and that someday I would grow up to do something amazing with my life. I thought that because that is what everybody always told me.

When I got out into the real world, my whole perspective on life changed.  Amazingly enough there were people out that that were a whole heck of a lot smarter than me and some of them didn’t even have a high school education.  As it turns out, education doesn’t make you smart.  

The more and more I explore this world (mostly via the internet) I find that I really know very little.  I have come across so many very intelligent people.  There are so many who can say the same things I am thinking but in a much more coherent way.  There are people who have experienced more and pondered more deeply than I could ever imagine. 

Sometimes when I sit down to write a blog post I question my abilities.  I don’t see myself as a great writer.  I often have difficulties finding the right words and sentence structure to get my point across. When I go back and read my thoughts on the computer screen I feel like it should be better, like I should be able to make it better.  Then I have to remind myself that this is me.  I am what I am.  I just can’t help but be envious of those that are better than me, that have really made something of themselves.

The hardest part of all of this is that I know I could have made something of myself.  I could have applied myself better.  I could have finished my Master’s degree.  I could have had a fantastic job doing something that I love.  Somewhere along the way I lost my spirit.  I lost my confidence.  Somewhere along the way I just gave up.  I let the world push me down and make me feel like I wasn’t good enough and I got stuck there.

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I hate that Sunday evening feeling. I dread the new week ahead and feel an immense sadness that the weekend is already over. I don’t want to go to bed because I know that when I wake up the work week begins again. I almost always get to bed late on Sunday night which leads to getting up late on Monday morning, rushing around, and never feeling quite like I’m ready to face the week ahead. Plus, when it is rainy and dreary outside that is all multiplied. I really hate Mondays.

Even with a few changes in our plans, the weekend turned out pretty good. I feel like I got a few things accomplished but was disappointed that I didn’t get to spend more time with Zach. It really bothers me sometimes that I have to put things before him when really all I want to do is hang out with him all day.

The biggest accomplishment of the weekend was cleaning out the garage. It has been in desperate need of a good cleaning/organizing job and Hubby and I finally decided to just get it done. We got up Saturday morning and dug into the trash and piles of miscellaneous crap that were taking over. Things look much better in there and now we can possibly have that garage sale that I’ve been putting off for about two years now. It really didn’t take nearly as long as I expected it to.

After the big garage clean-out, Hubby and I cleaned ourselves up and had some lunch. After Zach woke up from his nap, the MIL and I took Zach and went shopping. We found a few really good deals including a $5 blue jean skirt for me that will look cute with the boots I got last weekend. When we were finished shopping, Hubby came and met us for dinner at one of our favorite Mexican restaurants. Zach had a great time eating salsa by the handful (no chips necessary apparently). By the time we finished he had salsa pretty much head to toe. I wish I would have had my camera with me to take pictures.

Sunday was another busy day. We went to church and then came home to start cooking some Jambalaya. I took a quick nap while Hubby and MIL were cooking (to get rid of my headache). Shortly after I woke up, my sister and her family came over, as well as my mom and some of our friends. We watched football, visited, and ate jambalaya until everyone was stuffed and then called it a night.

Now it is Monday and I wish I was back home in bed. This is the last week with the MIL here. She’ll head back home Saturday morning. I actually have mixed feelings about her leaving. I will be very glad to have control of my house, my time, my diet, and my family again. But I have to admit that I’m a little sad for Zach. He has really been enjoying the time he has had with her and I have been amazed at how much he has learned in the few weeks that she has been here. He is in a major rapid development stage right now and having the constant one-on-one interaction has been great for him. He is really going to miss her when she’s gone.

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This week has been all about cancellations.  Well maybe not all, but a lot.  Apparently nobody wants to hang out with me.  I guess that’s okay though because I’m generally pretty anti-social and would rather communicate with people inside the internet from the safety of my couch and laptop computer than have to speak to someone live and in person.  Seriously though, it seems like every time I make plans with someone they end up cancelling.  Do I smell funny or something?

First there was Monday’s lunch.  I was supposed to go out to lunch with a friend, but when I called her around 11:30 she wasn’t sounding very excited about going anywhere.  When I mentioned that we didn’t have to go if she wasn’t up for it, she quickly agreed to do it another time.  I had also hoped to stop by and see her lastnight for a few minutes but when I called there was no answer.

Then there was the lunch/meeting today that I was supposed to go to.  A former co-worker just landed a new job in which she will be required to set up e-mail and a website for her new office.  Since she knows nothing at all about setting those up, we were going to meet up and discuss some of the options over lunch today.  Turns out she ended up having to start the job sooner than she had planned and lunch is off.  I was looking forward to a delicious meal out and now I’ll be having a Lean Pocket and chocolate chip cookie for lunch.

Shortly after I found out my lunch plans were cancelled, I found out my Sunday afternoon plans were cancelled as well.  We were supposed to be going over to our friends’ house for some Chilli and football Sunday but that had to be cancelled as there were just too many conflicting things going on.  It is so hard to schedule get-togethers when everyone is always so busy.  I’m not really too upset that this one was cancelled because it was going to make for a very busy Sunday anyway and I would rather be lazy.

I guess I’m just feeling a little bit lonely…and maybe a little relieved.

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