Tag: dreams

On Dreams

Published by dee on September 21, 2012

When I was a kid, I dreamed of so many things I wanted to do when I “grew up”. The one that really stuck (at least through high school and early college) was that I wanted to cut hair and own my own beauty salon. I always wanted to own it. I wanted it to be mine.

Along the way, things changed (obviously) and that dream never came to fruition. I blame it all on the advanced accounting class I tried to take my freshman year of college. I grossly overestimated my ability to handle that class and dropped it after the second week. Then I changed my major from Business Management to Psychology. Oh, how I wish I could go back and tell my younger self what a stupid idea that was! (And I now do accounting on a daily basis for my full-time job!)

After I got my B.S. in Psychology, I went on and started on a Master’s of Social Work. One year into the program I decided I couldn’t finish it. One year of classes and more added college loans left me with no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I ended up in a temporary job that I have now been at for over 10 years.

Along the way I’ve dabbled in lots of different things. For a while I was convinced I could and would be a web designer, even though I had no background in design. I set up a web site and toyed with the idea of starting up a company. Then I had a baby and that whole idea fizzled out. It is a little hard to code on no sleep, with a crying baby in your lap.

The idea of wanting a business of my own never has gone away. It has stayed in the back of my mind for years, always as a dream, not a reality.

Then came photography. Photography has been a gradual journey for me. I have always loved taking pictures (as I can prove with the staged photos of my stuffed animals when I was a kid), but it wasn’t until I was finally able to afford my first SLR camera that I really pushed myself to learn about photography. I had no idea what an f-stop was, or ISO, or shutter speed. Little by little I figured it out and my love grew bigger than I ever imagined.

Last year I finally saw a little piece of my dream come true. I started my own business. I worked hard to figure out all the details and actually set it up as a legal business. Caleb threw a little bit of a wrench into my overall plan, but things are steadily growing. I’m learning a lot as I go along, including just how time consuming a little part-time business can be. I dream of it one day becoming full-time and being able to support my family doing something that I truly love. There is just no way to describe the feeling of joy it brings me when a client loves the photograph that I’ve poured my heart and soul into. It really is true that when you are doing what you love, it doesn’t feel like work at all.

I’ve got a long way to go to fulfill my dream, but the fact that I have started shows me that I do have it in me. I really believe that I will get there some day.

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If you would like to keep up with my photography journey, please visit and “like” my facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/deeperrinphotography. You can also follow the blog at http://www.deeperrinphotography.com, where I plan to be updating more frequently (soon!).

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Thankful

Published by dee on May 12, 2011

I am feeling loved this morning. I finally set up my Dee Perrin Photography & Design facebook page last night and then had to beg for “Likes” from people so I could get my much nicer looking url set up (facebook.com/deeperrinphotography). For some stupid reason, Facebook requires you to have at least 25 Likes before you can change the url from their standard string of numbers and letters. In less than an hour I had the required 25, and was able to make the change. Thanks to all of you who helped out. I’m well beyond the 25 now, and it makes my heart happy.

As far as photography goes, I’m still feeling like a tiny little fish in a very big ocean. I’m learning so much and constantly improving my skills, but there is so much more that I feel like I’ll never know it all. It is taking a lot of time and a lot of effort. It is all worth it though when I realize just how much fun I’m having. I finally feel like I’m doing something that I’m meant to do. I know I’ll never make millions, but I feel like I’m being led in this direction for some reason.

A couple of weeks ago, I finally got a chance to do a newborn photo session. Little Ryker was just over 2 weeks old and we had quite a time trying to get him into that nice, deep sleep that allows posing. Finally, after a couple of nursing sessions with Mama, he gave in and I was able to get some great shots of him. This one in particular has gotten a lot of comments from friends and family.

Then last weekend, I got to do a 1-Year session for Levi and Joseph, who were the first babies (outside of my own family) that I ever photographed. I think the first session with them was when they were around 6 weeks old and I can’t believe how fast they have grown up! We did a fun cake smash session at a local park and had a great time!

I just realized neither one of them looks very happy in these photos, but I assure you they were! They were just too busy eating that cake!

After every session that I do, I come home exhausted and tremendously happy that I get to do this thing. I’m so thankful for the bonus that finally allowed me to buy the DSLR camera I had been dreaming of. I’m thankful for the friends and family that have allowed me to practice on them over and over and over again. I’m thankful that my husband is supportive of this dream I have, even though he would like to see my face aimed at him more and at the computer screen less. I’m thankful that there are so many free resources online that have allowed me to learn much faster than I could have on my own. I’m thankful that God has bestowed on me both the means and the ability that allow me to follow this dream.

Most of all, I’m thankful for the friends and family who believe in me. I still have so far to go and without the support of the people I love the most, I’ll never make it.

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Patience, Photography, and An Awesome Weekend

Published by dee on November 9, 2009

Patience is not something that I have a lot of (just ask my family). I get frustrated easily when things don’t happen the way I want them to, or as quickly as I want them to. I want what I want and I want it right now! My biggest want right now is a DSLR camera. I haven’t narrowed down the exact model yet, but I’m pretty sure I’ll go with a Canon when the time comes. Photography is my latest obsession and while I still don’t really know what I’m doing, I get enough good shots that I want a better camera. It’s a big purchase and one that is hard to justify when money is as tight as it is. Plus, I still have so much to learn and am not sure I’m far enough into it to justify the cost either. The whole thing just seems so far out of reach, but I know if I stretch far enough I’ll get there some day. I just have to have patience – and a plan.

For now, my short-term plan is to save as much as I can. If you see ads popping up on my web sites, this is why. All advertising money I make is being saved up in my PayPal account for my new camera. It is trickling in slowly, but it’s a start. A couple months ago when I had my surgery (and was in need of a pick-me-up) I decided to spend everything that I had saved for some new lenses to extend the abilities of my current camera (a Canon Powershot S5 IS). It satisfied the want for a while, but now I’m back to wanting the DSLR and starting all over with the saving. I’ve listed my guitar on craigslist again to see if I get any bites on it and am trying to come up with other things I can sell for a little money.

The other part of my plan is to learn as much as possible while I’m saving. I could spend hours upon hours just looking at beautiful photos, but I need to get beyond the “wow” and start figuring out how the photographer pulled off that amazing shot. I need to learn more about manual settings, finding the perfect lighting, and posing. I also need to figure out how to get a 20 month old child to hold still for more than one second (any tips on that would be very welcome).

This weekend was one of those that had me sitting around wishing and longing for the day when I have the camera I want in my hands. It was absolutely beautiful outside. The sun was shining, it was warm, and I spent most of the day Saturday outside with the kids. First was a birthday party for a day care friend, then we played outside until it started getting dark (which came entirely too early). The kids had a blast and I really enjoyed experimenting and taking tons of photos. When I cleaned off my camera card later, I had taken nearly 400 photos. I also discovered that my hard drive I store my photos on is completely full. Guess I’ll have to deal with that soon!

I spent much of the weekend dreaming, formulating, and contemplating. I want this to be a real thing. I don’t want to give up on it like so many of my other hobbies. I’m thinking of all the possibilities that this photography thing could open up. I keep going back to how much fun I have with a camera in my hands. I think I might finally know what I want to be when I grow up. And it’s scary. I still have a lot of growing to do.

And even if my hubby laughs at me while I experiment, at least I can still get him to pose for me now and then. Now all I need is a little more patience.

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I Have Dreams…

Published by dee on October 14, 2009

…of being debt free

…of owning my own home

…of wide open, clutter free, brightly lit spaces

…of comfy but classy furniture that was chosen, not handed down

…of fashionable but minimalistic decor

…of a studio filled with brightly colored yarns and fabrics with which to create

…of sunshine every day

…of being content with what I have

Yes, I have dreams…so far out of reach.

And now, in my dreams
I can feel the wait, I can just come clean
I keep it to myself, I know what it means
I can’t have you, but I have dreams

By the way, if you like that song, check out my review of Brandi’ Carlile’s new album Give Up The Ghost.

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Sometimes A Negative Can Be A Positive

Published by dee on July 21, 2009

Sunday night Hubby and I took advantage of my Mom’s offer to babysit and went to see Harry Potter. We had a nice time getting out by ourselves for a few hours (and the movie was awesome!). We got home, put the kids to bed, and soon headed to bed ourselves. Just before I got to bed I suddenly felt sick and threw up. I’m guessing it was the buttery popcorn I had at the movie, but who knows.

Monday morning I still felt a bit queasy and without thinking I posted to Twitter and Facebook something about how it sucked to start out Monday morning with a queasy stomach. When I got to work a while later I had a bunch of replies suggesting I was pregnant. Which of course was the same thing Hubby asked me when I got sick. Uh, no.

So as the day went on I felt a little better and by lunchtime I felt pretty much back to normal. (One more argument for the popcorn). I felt fine the rest of the night so I just blew the whole thing off.

Then Monday night I had the dream. In the dream I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I freaked out. I didn’t know what to tell Hubby or how in the heck we would handle another child right now. I woke up in a frantic state. Then I realized it was just a dream. My head was racing but my stomach was feeling a bit off again.

Then little thoughts started creeping in. I am a couple days late (which isn’t unusual for me even while on the pill) and certain areas have been rather tender for the last week or so and I’ve been having a bit of pain in the pelvic area (which also isn’t unusual for me). Dang it. I prayed for the strength to accept whatever plan God had for our family. Then I had to go get a test just to be sure.

So I took the test and got a big fat negative. After about half a second of sadness, I let out the biggest sigh of relief ever. After years and years of trying so hard to get pregnant, I was actually relieved not to be. That was kind of a strange, almost foreign, feeling for me. It actually surprised me that I was so happy about the result.

The best part of all of this, is that it confirmed exactly what I’ve been feeling since the day Evie was born. Our family is perfect just the way it is right now, just the four of us. Some day we may decide we’re ready for another baby – but today is not that day.

Whew.

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5, 4, 3, 2, 1…Blast off!

Published by dee on September 30, 2008

Every time I think things are getting better with Zach, he seems to want to prove me wrong. He went through a very rough patch just after Evie was born, but with a day care change and the passing of time he seemed to be getting better. He has his good and bad days, but overall things have been better.

We still occasionally have days where he refuses to get dressed, but I can usually convince him without too much of a fight. He still throws tantrums when he doesn’t get his way, but they are less frequent. And he still has the occasional night where he doesn’t sleep well but they are few and far between these days.

The last week or so has been a bit more challenging. I’ve woken up several times hearing him crying in his sleep. Sometimes he wakes up. Other times he stays asleep and the crying eventually stops. I know kids have bad dreams, but I hate not being able to know what is scaring him or making him cry. When it happens I have flashbacks of the months of night terrors we went through and I spend the rest of the night hoping and praying that they aren’t starting again.

Just after I stepped out of the shower this morning I heard him crying. He was still in bed so I rushed in to see what was wrong. He immediately reached up to give me a hug like he does when he’s been in trouble for something. It just didn’t seem right. When I asked him what was wrong he said, “You were in the rocket ship and you blasted off without me because I wasn’t in my seat.” I asked why he wasn’t in his seat and he said, “Because I wasn’t listening and you blasted off without me.” He was crying because I left without him.

And then it hit me. I couldn’t tell you how many times I have told him I was leaving him at home if he didn’t get in the car during one of his morning tantrums. I felt awful.

We had a talk about dreams and how they weren’t real. I reassured him that I would never leave him because he wasn’t in his seat. We hugged and snuggled and made up, but I still feel just horrible.

Why in the world would I ever say something like that to him? Why did I feel the need to use fear to get him to behave? That is not at all the kind of parent I thought I would be. Why should he have to hurt because I am frustrated? Yes, a child needs to behave but not because he is terrified of what will happen if he doesn’t.

I need to do a better job of keeping myself in check. Seeing my son wake up in tears and thinking he was in trouble was horrible. I never want to have to do that again. I know I’ll never be the perfect parent I want to be, but I am going to strive to be better from now on.

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