“If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”
I couldn’t even tell you how many times I heard that saying when I was a kid. But I never really cared about things like that back then. I just said what I wanted, when I wanted – especially when I was fighting with my brother or sister. Well, either that or I just got really quiet and did something sneaky to piss them off or get them in trouble. I guess I did actually adhere to the rules sometimes.
The reason I bring that up is because I think that is the whole reason why I can’t seem to write here lately. I just don’t have anything nice to say and I want this to be a happy place. I feel like every post I’ve written or started to write lately has been just negative and depressing. So instead, I run away and avoid dealing with the things that I really need to write about.
There are good, wonderful, happy things happening in my life like Evie cutting her third tooth and giving me the cutest, goofiest smiles in the world but there are also some really sucky things going on like Evie being sick for almost an entire week and Zach having an attitude way bigger than his 3 years should allow. Not to mention the fact that every single thing I touch right now seems to break or fall apart and I’m getting really behind at work. All of this negative stuff is just weighing me down and making it hard to concentrate on the good. I want to think we’re just having a string of bad luck right now but when does it stop? I know kids get sick and 3-year-olds have attitude, but all of the money we’ve spent either replacing or fixing things here lately is atrocious, especially considering we don’t have any extra money to spend.
The whole money thing? It really gets to me. I know times are hard for everyone right now but every single time I finally feel like I’m getting a grip on things financially, something big happens. Then I get stressed and when I get stressed I spend money. It is a seriously vicious cycle that I can’t seem to get out of. The worst part is that I know I do it, yet I do it anyway.
Right now I’m sitting here contemplating whether I should even hit publish. I really hate writing posts like this because I feel like a total Negative Nancy but I also hate it because it dips a little into the part of me that I always try to hide from the world. I’m always the positive, happy-go-lucky type of person. I don’t let things get me down. Friends at work are constantly amazed at how I can keep my cool even in really stressful situations but in reality it is all a lie. I just push it down and don’t let my true feelings show because that’s what nice girls do. Yep, I’m a nice girl – on the outside.
But guess what? Nice girls have real feelings too.
Before I was contacted by the local newspaper and decided to go public with this blog I had a place to deal with my feelings. It was here. I wrote whatever I wanted. (Don’t try searching. Most of those posts have been deleted or are private now). I didn’t worry about anyone being offended or finding out who I really was. It was my safe place. I chose to open it up and share it and I do think it was a good decision. But now I have no where to go with the bad stuff, the stuff I don’t share with even my closest friends.
When I get stressed I run. I hide. Then? I need change. I need something new. I need to find a place to control something in my life because I can’t control the thing that is causing the stress. Usually it ends with a new hair cut or a shopping spree. Sometimes it ends in seriously life altering decisions. Um, this time? I spent the last three weekends straight working harder than I have ever worked on my house. I cleaned, sorted, re-arranged, and organized almost my entire house. I’m not done yet either, but we’re going out of town this weekend so the rest will have to wait. Granted, it resulted in a new playroom for my kids which we all love, but only now am I realizing what my motivation for all of it was.
As usual I have no idea where I’m going with all of this. I think I just needed a brain dump. I needed to get it out there because I’m tired of holding it in. I’m tired of holding everything in, but I always have a hard time letting it out. I don’t want people to see the bad stuff. Instead, I keep it in. Because that’s what nice girls do.
But this nice girl? Has really freakin’ adorable kids and that is what gets me by when life otherwise sucks.