Category: Living the Life

Life

Published by dee on January 7, 2010

It has been over a month now since I’ve written a real post here – one with actual words and thoughts and stuff. I’ve kept up with Facebook, but I’ve gone days at a time without posting on Twitter(!) and my other blogs are crying because they think I’ve forgotten them. The good news is that I’ve been living life in the real world and enjoying nearly every minute of it.

Over the holidays, we had a house full. Hubby’s mom and dad came up from Alabama and his brother and his family drove all the way here from Utah to spend Christmas with us. We don’t get to see them often, so it was really nice to get to spend some time together. I was bummed to have to work most of the time they were here, but when you do bookkeeping for companies that run on a calendar year, year-end is not the time to take vacation. We ate lots of yummy food, saw Avatar, braved a snow/ice storm on Christmas Eve, enjoyed a chaotic Christmas morning, watched the Chiefs get beat by the Broncos, made an “adults only” trip to Lawrence to meet up with friends, had an early birthday celebration for my niece, and had a blast watching our four kids all play together. It was a lovely two weeks and we were so sad to see everyone head back home.

While our company was still here, Zach and Evie both managed to come down with a nasty stomach bug. Zach was down for an entire week with it and Evie for about 4 days. Just when we thought Zach was getting well again, he started up an awful sounding cough. After three days of that, I took him to the doctor and found out he had a sinus infection. Hopefully the antibiotics will get things cleared up and he will start feeling well again.

Also over the last month or so, I’ve put my web design cap back on. I somehow agreed to create a new web site for the church we’ve been attending. I’m doing it the easy way, using WordPress as a CMS with a pre-made theme, but I’m having fun customizing it. I still have quite a bit to do, but I do like the direction it is going. I’m just really nervous about showing it to the team. It has been a while since I’ve done anything other than my own personal sites. I did get good feedback from a screenshot of the main page, but no one has seen it live yet.

Throughout all the craziness, I’ve been spending every free moment I have trying to learn how to use my new camera. I was able to buy a few accessories for it, including a 50mm lens, with some Christmas money I received. Plus, my boss loaned me several of his lenses to play around with. Straight out of the box, I could tell a difference in photo quality but I can’t wait to see how much better my photos get after I learn more about what I’m doing. Starting at the end of January, I’m going to be taking a short basic photography course with a friend. Hopefully that will give me the little push I need to start shooting in manual mode more often.

That pretty much wraps up the last month, unless you want to hear about all the snow we’ve been getting and the frigid temperatures. Seriously, I can’t remember ever getting this much snow at this time of year (those pics are from before the last 2 snows!). It really makes me wish I had a garage that I didn’t have to drive down a slippery slope to get to! My poor car is hating me for parking it outside.

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Merry Christmas

Published by dee on December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas to all of our family and friends! Wishing you peace and happiness in the new year.

Brian, Dee, Zach, & Evie

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Late Night Ramblings

Published by dee on October 19, 2009

For some reason over the last few weeks I seem to be stuck in a bit of a rut. I don’t have a lot of patience for other people, including my kids. I’ve been spending a lot of time in my own head, trying to sort out some things. I feel like I’m on the verge of a big change, though I don’t know exactly what that change will be. I want to create change, but I don’t know how. I feel stifled by my current environment and feel like I need a change. I need less clutter in my head and my life. I’m tired of the routine.

I’ve been spending less time on Twitter and more time reading blogs. For a while I quit reading blogs entirely unless I happened to see a link on Facebook or Twitter. I missed reading the stories. You just can’t get that in 140 characters. I’m trying to remember to comment more, to re-connect some of the ties that have come unraveled.

I wonder how people do it all. How do you have a full-time job, keep up with a spouse and kids, be a good parent, keep your house clean, pay the bills on time, be there for your extended family, maintain friendships and hobbies, read, create, write, and make a difference in this world? How is it even possible to do all of that? I can’t do it all. There is always something slipping through the cracks.

I have so many goals, dreams, and desires, yet I have a hard time taking the steps I must take in order to make them happen. Maybe it is insecurity, but I always blame it on a lack of time or money. There’s never enough time or money though, so do I just let those things slip away or do I step outside of my comfort zone and make them happen?

Sometimes I wonder if I feel enough. Anything involving my kids I feel with extreme intensity, but when it comes to other things I wonder if I care as much as I should. Sometimes I just feel so indifferent to things that should matter. I listen to friends discussing politics and world issues and I wonder why those things don’t matter as much to me. Am I just numb to it all? Perhaps it is just selfishness and I only care about things directly affecting me. A simple e-mail can be touching enough to make my heart skip a beat, yet I can hear stories about people being killed in other countries and just blow it off. Does that make me a bad person or am I simply tuning it out because I don’t have enough energy left in me to worry about the world?

I miss writing. I write here, but this place is no longer a place where I can really let loose. The thoughts that twist and tear at my heart don’t have a place to go. I don’t journal or even keep up with a private blog anymore. There isn’t time. Sometimes I wonder if that’s why I don’t sleep at night. Perhaps the thoughts just won’t leave me alone until I find a place to write them down. The thoughts that used to flow freely are now kept locked up. I don’t trust anyone or anything with those innermost private thoughts. I won’t let them escape and perhaps that’s why I feel so weighted down.

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I Have Dreams…

Published by dee on October 14, 2009

…of being debt free

…of owning my own home

…of wide open, clutter free, brightly lit spaces

…of comfy but classy furniture that was chosen, not handed down

…of fashionable but minimalistic decor

…of a studio filled with brightly colored yarns and fabrics with which to create

…of sunshine every day

…of being content with what I have

Yes, I have dreams…so far out of reach.

And now, in my dreams
I can feel the wait, I can just come clean
I keep it to myself, I know what it means
I can’t have you, but I have dreams

By the way, if you like that song, check out my review of Brandi’ Carlile’s new album Give Up The Ghost.

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Want

Published by dee on October 5, 2009

I need a maid, a personal chef, a cat puke cleaner-upper, a bill payer, a computer expert, a chauffeur, and an extra pair of hands. I need a clone of myself, actually how about 3 or 4? I need someone to do all of those things that I don’t have the time for or just plain don’t want to do.

I want to escape the day to day life and go back to a time when things were simple.

I want to go sit in a comfy chair and read for hours on end, maybe even finish an entire book in a single day.

I want to knit until my hands cramp up, then warm them while I sip on a cup of hot chocolate and reflect.

I want to find a great photography book and teach myself how to set my camera just so and get that perfect shot.

I want to sew and to have the time it takes to learn by trial and error with no distractions. I would like to make my daughter a dress.

I want to dust off my guitar and re-learn the few chords I used to know. I’d like to learn to play an entire song that I can strum and sing to my kids.

I want to devote an entire day to playing with my kids without thinking about that bill that needs paid or the laundry that is piling up.

I want to design web sites again and finally finish the one that has been promised for so long.

I want a job that allows me to see my kids for more than 2 1/2 hours a day – one that is meaningful and that I can be proud of.

I want so many things, yet I feel like everything I want is so unattainable these days. The thing I want the most is time. There’s never enough. We rush through the work week to get to the weekends, but when the weekend comes there is so much to cram into it that we miss out on the things that matter most.

Sunday evening I felt myself getting frustrated beyond belief. I spent most of the day cleaning, trying to make up for all that was strewn around from the prior week. We spent Saturday having fun with family, which was totally worth it, but it made for a lot of catch-up on Sunday. While I rushed around the house picking up jackets off the floor, tripping over toys, cleaning the kitchen, vacuuming the floors, washing and putting away laundry, and fussing at Zach repeatedly to clean up his toys, Hubby sat and watched football. Evie followed Zach and I around, taking out everything that Zach and I had put away. Hubby was having some computer issues and kept stopping me to ask me questions.

I took a break from cleaning to fix dinner. Hubby made his awesome guacamole that I had requested and we enjoyed a nice dinner together. Then I started in on the evening bath routine. While Zach was in the shower, I ran through the living room to put another thing away when Hubby stopped me yet again with a computer question. I was short with him. I just couldn’t take one more thing. I was in a hurry to get Zach finished with his shower so I could get him settled down with a TV show and I could try to get bills paid before my shows came on that I wanted to watch. Hubby snapped back at me after I snapped at him.

I just wanted to get done so I could finally relax. In that moment I felt so under-appreciated. I felt like I had spent all day working my butt off while everyone else spent the day playing and relaxing. I was short with my kids and my husband. I was stressed about the fact that I just can not ever get it all done. I will never be caught up. I will never feel like I can truly sit down and relax because my mind is going in a million different directions.

I need life to slow down. I want my kids to have happy memories, not to remember a mom who yelled all the time because she was always so overwhelmed with life. I don’t want to be in such a rush that I miss the good times. I want to enjoy this life, not look back years from now and wonder where all the time went.

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Back On Schedule

Published by dee on September 27, 2009

Tomorrow morning I have to drag myself out of bed at 6:30 a.m. again. I have to do the morning rush again. I have to drag the kids out of bed, get them dressed, fed, and out the door. I have to drop Zach off at preschool, Evie at day care, and get myself to work for the first time since my surgery a week and a half ago. I have to rejoin the real world and I’m not looking forward to it one bit.

My body is healing and I’m definitely feeling much better, though I’m not too sure how it’s going to feel to sit up at a desk all day tomorrow. My energy is back to a pretty normal level finally, though that is with getting to sleep in nearly every day. My incisions are still a bit sore, but that I can handle.

I have pushed myself just a little harder than I probably should have, but there were a couple things I didn’t want to miss out on, like watching the Red Sox beat the Royals at the newly renovated Kauffman stadium. I wasn’t about to let one little surgery keep me from catching the Sox this year!

We celebrated Hubby’s 33rd birthday on Thursday with a delicious dinner my mother-in-law made. The kids helped Daddy blow out the candles on his cake and for once I didn’t have a camera in my hands. Oops.

Then on Saturday we took Granny and Papa to Deanna Rose Farmstead. The kids always love going there and it was a beautiful day. Plus, I wanted to play with my new camera lenses a bit. Zach was brave enough for the pony ride this time without getting scared.

All in all it was a really nice week. If it wouldn’t have been for that whole surgery thing, the last week would have been a really nice vacation!

I can’t thank my in-laws enough for all the help they’ve given us in the last couple of weeks. They’ve read books, changed diapers, given baths, fixed meals, kept up with the laundry, and even helped take the dogs out. I know my recovery would have been a lot harder without them here and I’m a little sad to see them head back home in the morning.

But, back to the grind it is. It all starts in about 8 1/2 hours.

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