For some reason over the last few weeks I seem to be stuck in a bit of a rut. I don’t have a lot of patience for other people, including my kids. I’ve been spending a lot of time in my own head, trying to sort out some things. I feel like I’m on the verge of a big change, though I don’t know exactly what that change will be. I want to create change, but I don’t know how. I feel stifled by my current environment and feel like I need a change. I need less clutter in my head and my life. I’m tired of the routine.
I’ve been spending less time on Twitter and more time reading blogs. For a while I quit reading blogs entirely unless I happened to see a link on Facebook or Twitter. I missed reading the stories. You just can’t get that in 140 characters. I’m trying to remember to comment more, to re-connect some of the ties that have come unraveled.
I wonder how people do it all. How do you have a full-time job, keep up with a spouse and kids, be a good parent, keep your house clean, pay the bills on time, be there for your extended family, maintain friendships and hobbies, read, create, write, and make a difference in this world? How is it even possible to do all of that? I can’t do it all. There is always something slipping through the cracks.
I have so many goals, dreams, and desires, yet I have a hard time taking the steps I must take in order to make them happen. Maybe it is insecurity, but I always blame it on a lack of time or money. There’s never enough time or money though, so do I just let those things slip away or do I step outside of my comfort zone and make them happen?
Sometimes I wonder if I feel enough. Anything involving my kids I feel with extreme intensity, but when it comes to other things I wonder if I care as much as I should. Sometimes I just feel so indifferent to things that should matter. I listen to friends discussing politics and world issues and I wonder why those things don’t matter as much to me. Am I just numb to it all? Perhaps it is just selfishness and I only care about things directly affecting me. A simple e-mail can be touching enough to make my heart skip a beat, yet I can hear stories about people being killed in other countries and just blow it off. Does that make me a bad person or am I simply tuning it out because I don’t have enough energy left in me to worry about the world?
I miss writing. I write here, but this place is no longer a place where I can really let loose. The thoughts that twist and tear at my heart don’t have a place to go. I don’t journal or even keep up with a private blog anymore. There isn’t time. Sometimes I wonder if that’s why I don’t sleep at night. Perhaps the thoughts just won’t leave me alone until I find a place to write them down. The thoughts that used to flow freely are now kept locked up. I don’t trust anyone or anything with those innermost private thoughts. I won’t let them escape and perhaps that’s why I feel so weighted down.