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Late Night Ramblings

For some reason over the last few weeks I seem to be stuck in a bit of a rut. I don’t have a lot of patience for other people, including my kids. I’ve been spending a lot of time in my own head, trying to sort out some things. I feel like I’m on the verge of a big change, though I don’t know exactly what that change will be. I want to create change, but I don’t know how. I feel stifled by my current environment and feel like I need a change. I need less clutter in my head and my life. I’m tired of the routine.

I’ve been spending less time on Twitter and more time reading blogs. For a while I quit reading blogs entirely unless I happened to see a link on Facebook or Twitter. I missed reading the stories. You just can’t get that in 140 characters. I’m trying to remember to comment more, to re-connect some of the ties that have come unraveled.

I wonder how people do it all. How do you have a full-time job, keep up with a spouse and kids, be a good parent, keep your house clean, pay the bills on time, be there for your extended family, maintain friendships and hobbies, read, create, write, and make a difference in this world? How is it even possible to do all of that? I can’t do it all. There is always something slipping through the cracks.

I have so many goals, dreams, and desires, yet I have a hard time taking the steps I must take in order to make them happen. Maybe it is insecurity, but I always blame it on a lack of time or money. There’s never enough time or money though, so do I just let those things slip away or do I step outside of my comfort zone and make them happen?

Sometimes I wonder if I feel enough. Anything involving my kids I feel with extreme intensity, but when it comes to other things I wonder if I care as much as I should. Sometimes I just feel so indifferent to things that should matter. I listen to friends discussing politics and world issues and I wonder why those things don’t matter as much to me. Am I just numb to it all? Perhaps it is just selfishness and I only care about things directly affecting me. A simple e-mail can be touching enough to make my heart skip a beat, yet I can hear stories about people being killed in other countries and just blow it off. Does that make me a bad person or am I simply tuning it out because I don’t have enough energy left in me to worry about the world?

I miss writing. I write here, but this place is no longer a place where I can really let loose. The thoughts that twist and tear at my heart don’t have a place to go. I don’t journal or even keep up with a private blog anymore. There isn’t time. Sometimes I wonder if that’s why I don’t sleep at night. Perhaps the thoughts just won’t leave me alone until I find a place to write them down. The thoughts that used to flow freely are now kept locked up. I don’t trust anyone or anything with those innermost private thoughts. I won’t let them escape and perhaps that’s why I feel so weighted down.

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  1. Jenny Bean Jenny Bean

    As I read this blog post- I marveled that you are writing the very things I could be writing in my own blog (if I was still doing that). I have picked up reading books again after reading about 3 books in the last 7 years. In the last month I’ve read 6 books already- but I feel marginally better- in my head anyway.
    I’m a stay at home mom and I still feel like there is just not enough time/money to do the things I want. I just want to know how to go about feeling fulfilled. Keeping an orderly home and tending my children isn’t offering the rewarding feelings I’m looking for. I’ve got a couple years until both my kids are in school full time and then I’m hoping to go back myself- Do something for me again.
    Chin up My friend, I know we aren’t the only ones feeling like this!

  2. Stopping by from blogher and I have to say “BRAVO”! Excellent post!

    I feel exactly as you do. I work full time, have a Pure Romance business on the side, 3 children, husband, house, bills, family, friends (although very few because most don’t like not talking for 6 months at a time), and fighting with the school on a consistent basis for my special needs son.

    SOMETHING always falls through the cracks. Usually its my relationship with friends…and then every once in a while I get all sad because I have very few close to me that I can rely on. Yet, its my fault.

    I guess its all about priorities.

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