Category: Living the Life

We Didn't Even Have To Use The Straight Jackets

Published by dee on June 17, 2008

This…

…was my biggest accomplishment of the weekend. It took nearly a week of planning, but we managed to get all 6 grandkids together, dressed, and posed for a picture. They may not be smiling, but at least they were all looking at the camera! We’ve been wanting to do this for a while and decided that Father’s Day was a great reason to finally get it done. It helped that I had already scheduled our family portraits to be done anyway so the rest of the kids just came and joined us.

The photographer at was great with the kids. He had them all the little ones laughing and smiling. Zach really loved him and was totally hamming it up for the camera.

The photos were all so good that I had a really hard time choosing which ones to buy. Here are a few more of the kids but you can see all of my favorite shots over on Flickr.

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The Time Is Now

Published by dee on June 13, 2008

I’m FAT.

F-A-T

Yes, I know I just had a baby. That’s no excuse. The baby weight? It is gone. I dropped nearly 30 pounds within a week of giving birth. The rest of the weight that I’m now carrying around is just plain fat. It is all of the sugary drinks, peanut butter M&M’s, pizza, cheeseburgers, french fries, ice cream, and fried chicken sandwiches that I’ve been stuffing in my face for the last 11 months because hey, “I’m eating for two!”

Don’t you know eating for two doesn’t stop once you have the baby? Well, not if you’re breastfeeding anyway. I have this insatiable hunger that just will not go away. It started in the last month of my pregnancy and has not let up. I can think of three times since Evie was born that I’ve actually felt full (or slightly over-full). The amount of food that I consume on a daily basis is really quite disgusting.

I know it is time to cut back, but it is so hard when I am just so hungry all the time. Yet, every time I look in the mirror I feel shame because I worked so hard to lose all of the weight that I am now carrying again. I hate myself for every bite I take yet I just can’t stop. I tell myself it is for the baby, but is it really? Or is it just the one way I have of gratifying myself when it seems like everything else is so out of control?

It really hit me a couple weeks ago when I was complaining to a friend about my hair. She commented that she really likes my hair better when it is short. My reply was that I do too, just not when my face is so fat. In that moment I realized that every time I gain weight, I start growing my hair out – like somehow I can hide my fat body with the hair on my head. When I was younger I related to “Cousin Itt” because I could easily hide my entire face by simply pushing my hair forward a bit. If only it were that easy.

I’ve hidden behind my massive head of hair for the majority of my life. Only when I’ve felt confident in myself have I had the guts to cut it short and those times usually correspond to weight loss. I’m not saying I want to cut my hair off again. I just want to feel that freedom and confidence that I’ve felt during those times and I’ve suddenly realized that it has nothing at all to do with my hair and everything to do with my weight.

I’m getting tired of hiding, of feeling so self-conscious that I don’t want to go out or even change clothes in front of my husband. It is time to get off my butt and do something about it. It is time for Weight Watchers again and this time I really want to stick it out and hit my goal weight. It is going to take a lot of work but I know if I could do it once, I can do it again.

Oh, and if anybody wants to buy me a Wii Fit, that would help too.

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Worth 1000 Words

Published by dee on June 4, 2008

Because words can’t even describe how I feel about these two.

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If I Could Just Make The World Stop

Published by dee on May 30, 2008

It has been five weeks now since I’ve been back to work. I knew the first couple of weeks would be hard, but figured once we got into a routine things would ease up a bit. Ha! Shows what I know.

Yes, we have managed to get into a bit of a routine, but things are not easier. I simply cannot keep up. If Hubby manages to get dinner fixed before I get home with the kids I feel like we have a head start on the evening. I usually end up nursing Evie at the dinner table while I scarf down my food just to save some time. Then there is bath time for the kids, a few minutes to play, potty breaks, diaper changes, teeth brushing, story reading, and finally bed time for Zach. If I’m lucky (and Zach stays in bed) I can nurse Evie to sleep so that I have a few minutes to fold a load of laundry, prepare her bottles for the next day, or do one of the other various tasks that is begging to be done.

Then it’s my time. I sit on the love seat, daughter in my arms, flip open my laptop, and catch up on some TV shows with the Hubby. That? Is the most relaxing part of my entire day. I need that time to unwind. I put off the things I need to be doing (paying bills, cleaning house) because I just can’t go any more. I reluctantly go to bed around 11:00 because I know it starts all over again the next day and the alarm will go off way too early (again).

I really don’t know how other people do it. After five weeks I am utterly exhausted. I wonder every morning if I really can make it through another day. My memory is pretty much non-existent. I forget where I’ve put things and sometimes even what I am doing. I nearly fall asleep at my desk every day. I have to write everything down or I’ll forget to do it. Heck, if I wasn’t drinking so much in an effort to keep myself awake all day I would probably forget to pee!

My husband had to remind me last night that our anniversary is next weekend. Um, I never forget important dates. I’ve been planning for Zach’s birthday party at the end of June for over a month now and I know that Father’s day is coming up (although I don’t know the exact date), but our anniversary? Totally slipped my mind. I felt like such a terrible wife in that moment – when he realized that I had actually forgotten – that I tried to think of ways to cover it up but I was just too tired to think that hard.

Something has to give soon. Even my weekends are busy. This weekend we’ve got a graduation party on Saturday and a baptism and lunch to attend on Sunday. In between those I’ll be frantically trying to clean my disastrous house up, sort through a monstrous pile of bills, fill out birthday party invitations, and spend just a little bit of quality time with my kids and Hubby. What I would much rather do, is sleep through the whole weekend.

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A Great Way To Start The Day

Published by dee on May 16, 2008

When Evie woke up this morning she was flashing smiles all over the place. She’s given us a couple smiles but until now they have been very hard to come by. This morning she smiled at me a couple of times. Then I put her in the crib to get her dressed and she was staring down her “Boo” doll and giving her tons of smiles. I wish I had gotten a better picture, but my cell phone camera was the only one I had handy at the time. The poor kid’s going to have a camera in her face all weekend now while I try to capture another one.

Today is Zach’s last day at his “school”. Beginning Monday he’ll be attending the home day care that Evie has been at for the last few weeks. So far she only has three kids including my two. The other is a little girl about Zach’s age. She’s quite energetic but I think that Zach will have a fun time playing with her. I’m still a little sad about having to take him out of school, but I do think it will be the best for all of us. His class is having a pizza party for him today so I get to go join them for lunch. I’m not sure he really understands what is going on yet, but he is enjoying being the center of attention today. I’m just really hoping that the switch goes smoothly next week.

I am really looking forward to the weekend. It is supposed to be warm and sunny all weekend, just the way I like it. I’m hoping to get a few things done around the house and to spend some time outside enjoying the sunshine with my kids. Zach is excited to have his cousin (and best friend) Ryan over on Saturday. He’s already been telling me all the things that they are going to play with while Ryan is here. I’m just happy that he’ll have someone to play with and won’t be glued to the TV all weekend.

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Not Necessarily Greener

Published by dee on May 8, 2008

A few days ago a friend of mine (who lives in a land far, far away called Oregon) posted on MySpace (yeah, I know, I hate it too) that she was having a BBQ and invited anyone over than wanted to attend. I jokingly wrote back to her that I wanted to come but that I might be a bit late since it was such a long drive. I kind of laughed it off at the time, but now I can’t seem to get it off of my mind. Every time I think of it I just feel sad.

The thing is, I would really like to be there. It isn’t so much because I miss my friend (which I most certainly do but I’m going to see her in a couple weeks anyway) but more the realization that I miss just having a group of friends to hang out with. I miss having someone I can call on Friday night and not have to ask if we’re doing something, but instead ask what we’re doing because the if isn’t even a question. I miss hanging out with people who know me so well that I can just be myself. The ones that know all my secrets and faults and love me anyway. Oh, and I really miss having conversations that don’t have anything to do with Race Cars or Blue’s Clues or snacks or when I’m going to go get that chocolate milk.

The last time I really had those kind of friends was when I was in college…almost 9 years ago. They were the kind of friends who could tell me what I was thinking before I could even get it out of my mouth. Unfortunately, those friends disappeared along with college. I lost two of them when I got divorced shortly after graduation and simply lost contact with the other one a few years later.

Since then I’ve never really found a group that I fit into. I have friends but not those kind of friends – the ones you can count on to always be there. My social calendar pretty much consists of hanging out with my family. It’s not that I don’t enjoy hanging with my family. I just miss having that close knit group of friends to confide in, to be silly with, laugh with, and cry with.

Sometimes I wonder if I gave that all up to have a family. Now that I have kids there is so little time for a social life. We’re so busy during the week and then spend all weekend just trying to catch up. It doesn’t leave much time for making new friends. When you work full-time there is no time for Mommy groups or play dates and I work in a small office where everyone is at least 15 years older than me. I can’t even meet new people, much less cultivate a friendship.

I guess that’s why I turn to the internet. I read a lot of blogs. I sure part of the reason why is because I’m searching for the friendship that I feel is so lacking in my life. I read a lot about stay-at-home moms who feel isolated and have trouble finding friends, but they aren’t the only ones. There are lots of working women who struggle with the same thing. I don’t think it really has anything to do with your job status. I think we’re all just too busy to take the time out and really form those lasting friendships. Sometimes being a grown-up just plain sucks.

My friend, the one having the BBQ, is just starting out in her chosen career and recently commented about how excited she was to finally move beyond living the “college lifestyle” as she put it. I wanted so badly to tell her not to be so anxious to give it up. Embrace it. Enjoy it. The grass is not necessarily greener on the other side. But I held my tongue. Maybe it will be for her. She might be one of the lucky ones.

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