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Category: Digging Deeper

Current Mood

Nope.

I gotta be honest. Staying home is starting to get to me more than I thought it would. Surprisingly, the weekends (which are significantly less demanding), are harder than the weekdays. Weekdays require getting up, getting my work done, making sure the kids have what they need for their school work and sticking to some sort of regular routine, even if it is incredibly flexible. Then the weekend hits and there is nothing to compel me to get out of bed, get dressed, or do much of anything at all.

Don’t get me wrong, there is plenty to do. I just have absolutely no motivation. Knowing that we are at home for at least another three weeks leaves absolutely no sense of urgency to get things done. I mean, why do it today when I know I’ll be here to do it tomorrow, or the next day, or the next day?

Adding on to my general lack of motivation is that I let myself run out of my ADHD meds. I made a trip to the pharmacy last week to fill them and managed to leave my prescription at home and I haven’t gotten back out again. Not helpful. Without my meds my motivation to do things is even less than normal. The funny part is I lived most of my life without them and was just fine. Now that I know how much better I can function with them, I hate the days when I miss a dose. Yesterday, for instance, I barely moved off of the couch.

My husband looked at me this morning and asked, “What’s wrong?”

My response? “Nothing. Everything.”

More than anything, I think I just miss the ability to go somewhere when I want to. As much of a homebody as I am, I miss being able to just hop in the car and go. My daughter is definitely feeling it as well. She was nearly in tears when I told her I couldn’t take her with me to the grocery store. She is desperate to just get out somewhere, even if just to buy groceries.

Really the toughest part is trying to make sure everyone else in my house is doing okay, even when I am feeling moody and distant myself. Yesterday was a rough day all around. The kids are tired of being cooped up and are fighting. Everybody is over-reacting to pretty much everything. I feel like I have to be the peacekeeper all the time for my own sanity, even when I don’t have the energy to deal with it all. I know how ridiculous it is, but I feel like I’m failing when they are not happy. So right now? Yep, feeling like a huge failure in that department.

The weather the last few days hasn’t helped at all either. It turned cold and rainy, which brought an abrupt stop to our walks and trampoline time for a few days. It is a bit warmer today, so a walk with the dog is definitely on the priority list – after I make a trip to the pharmacy for my meds. The meds are definitely essential.

I’m trying to turn things around today a bit. I got up and showered, got dressed, cleaned the kitchen, and made pancakes for the family. I am determined to get some exercise and accomplish a few things around the house today that will hopefully lift my mood and get me in the right headspace before we begin the work/school week tomorrow. I’m determined not to let myself sink too low, but I’m admitting that it is a struggle right now.

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Remembering

Today marks an anniversary – one that is not celebratory, but significant nonetheless. One year ago today a friend left his home here on earth and made his way to heaven. He had a long struggle with brain cancer, and could no longer withstand the surgeries and treatments. He chose to stop fighting, and because of his strong faith, knew that he was going to a better place.

When he passed away, I struggled with how I should feel. You see, though I call him a friend, we really had not been in contact for many years. He was a huge part of my life during my high school and college years. He was the best friend of my high school boyfriend/husband. The two were pretty much inseparable during those high school and college years, so we all spent a lot of time together. When my ex and I separated and later divorced, I also lost many friendships. One of those was Mike. We never really talked again after that time, but I would get an occasional update from mutual friends.

It is an odd thing to mourn someone who you really haven’t known in nearly twenty years. I am sad for the loss his family and friends feel. I am sad for his wife and his boys. I am definitely sad for my ex. I honestly can’t even imagine the incredible loss that losing your life-long best friend would be. For me, I suppose I am mourning the memories. There are so many memories – concerts, road trips, proms, and just hanging out. So many of my high school and college memories include him. I am sad that those memories ended when my marriage did. I wish I could have known him and the man he became after that time. From what I hear, he was pretty incredible – an amazing husband, father, and man of God.

It has taken me some time to process his death. It hit me a lot harder than I expected. I think it was even more difficult because I really didn’t have anyone to talk to about it. Other than my parents, no one in my current life really knows a lot about my past. Plus, the fact that we are about the same age made it all the more strange. I have been fortunate that I have not had to deal with the loss of many friends my age, and certainly not close friends. It tends to make you think about your own mortality and just how precious this life is.

Today I remember him – the big, goofy, floppy-haired, lovable teddy bear of a guy that always made me laugh when I was around him. Regardless of the reasons why we parted ways, I will always love him and celebrate the memories we had together.

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Social Distancing in 2020

Today we are in a place I never imagined we would be. Not quite quarantined – but basically confined to our home. The threat of Coronavirus – COVID-19 has taken over to the point where cities have banned having more than 10 people gathered in the same place. They call it “social distancing.” I call it “social isolation” or “an introvert’s dream.” If said introvert is confined with children who do not share that introversion, it isn’t quite as dreamy (not that I would know that from experience or anything).

Even though the kids are on Spring Break this week, schools have already closed for another two weeks and possibly will be closed beyond that. Schools just across the state line are ordered to be closed for the rest of the school year. Online learning is about to become the reality in our house. Businesses are sending staff to work from home. It’s all a little surreal honestly – like we’re living in the middle of a sci-fi movie.

I understand the concept. Social distancing keeps the germs from spreading. Quite frankly, the reports from other countries who have been dealing with this longer are a little terrifying. However, everything closing down is also a little terrifying and seems so extreme. On the other hand, I’ve been begging life to JUST. SLOW. DOWN. for weeks now. I guess I’m actually getting what I asked for for once.

As activities started cancelling, my kids got a little more frustrated. Soccer. Volleyball. Karate. Church. School. So far, one-on-one piano lessons are still on but that’s all we have left. It is hard to see the disappointment in their faces. They aren’t saying much, but it is there.

My daughter had a birthday this week. Our tradition of letting her choose a favorite restaurant for dinner out on her birthday was thwarted – her restaurant of choice is now closed for the foreseeable future. We substituted with Chipotle delivery, but it wasn’t what she wanted. There will be no party with her friends – at least not for a while. We will celebrate with a small family-only party this weekend, and she’s having a cousin spend the night but I know it is not the celebration she anticipated. I’m so thankful that I gave in and bought her the new phone she wanted a little early so she can at least enjoy facetime conversations with her friends she can’t see in person.

Today we’re on day 4, well technically day 6 if you count the weekend, of staying home. Other than walking the dog around the neighborhood, I have left my house a total of three times – for work on Monday (until they told us to work from home), a trip to Sam’s Club to stock up on groceries, and a quick trip to pick up meds at the pharmacy and some work supplies. Honestly, I think this is the most time I’ve spent at home since my last maternity leave…which was eight years ago.

I really have mixed feelings about the whole thing. There’s a lot of anxiety boiling up that I didn’t expect – mostly about what happens next, and how long we keep this up before returning to some kind of normal. I hate seeing my kids upset about missed activities and not seeing their friends. That part will become even harder over the next couple of weeks as this drags on. I worry about trying to do school from home, even though I know their teachers will come up with great things for them to work on. It will be challenging for my older two, but for my youngest who receives special education services at school it may get really tough. I’m trying to hold out hope that they somehow have that part covered. I do know that I am not in any way designed to be a school teacher.

There are some positive aspects of staying home though. I’m getting to spend a lot more time with my kids (when they are not holed away in their separate bedrooms). I am even more thankful for our new home, and the fact that we have enough rooms to all get away from each other when necessary. I finally am getting around to some of the projects that have been on the back burner for a while. Plus, my house got a desperately needed cleaning over the weekend!

It really is not all bad, but this whole feeling of being in limbo is strange – not knowing if two weeks from now we go back to our regular routine or if this really is the new “normal.” It has been amazing seeing how communities are coming together to help others out during these odd times. Businesses are offering so many free resources to those stuck at home. People are finding ways to reach out to each other online and connect even though we can’t do it in person. Schools and restaurants are finding ways to feed those that may be in need while businesses are shutting down. Seeing the good come out in so many ways is truly comforting. I just hope that it continues even if this social distancing thing extends way longer than any of us are currently planning for.

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Taking Stock: November

When life gets to the point of insane-crazy-i-can’t-take-one-more-thing is usually when I most feel the desire to write. Sadly, it is also the time when I can barely keep a thought straight in my head long enough to write it down. So, naturally, I’ve been wanting to write like crazy lately, but there has been absolutely no way I could do it. By the end of the day my brain is mush. Then today I came across this post by my friend Cass during a quick brain break and got inspired. I love the “Taking Stock” idea – short, sweet, and directed so my mind can’t wander too far! Here’s my take:

Making : Crocheting a Luigi Cap (of the Super Mario variety) for Zach. He saw one for sale at a carnival and really wanted it. I opted to buy the $4 ball of yarn and make it myself.

Cooking : Mostly just anything that comes frozen and can be thrown in the oven quickly (life needs to slow down). But, I’m really craving my favorite pumpkin cranberry bread recipe and suspect that it will be happening as soon as I have a chance.

Drinking : Diet Coke (always) and the last few Woodchuck Summer Time Ciders. I’m always sad when they disappear off the store shelves at the end of the summer.

Reading: The Pursuit of Holiness by Jerry Bridges, S.H.A.P.E. by Erik Rees, and The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller, all for a class/Bible study that I’m currently a part of. With all of that I haven’t had time for any pleasure reading other than a daily stroll through Facebook.

Trawling: Instagram – because sometimes I just want to see pretty things.

Wanting: Clothes that fit and flatter my currently more-flabby-than-it-should-be figure, and shoes that don’t make my feet hurt after being in them all day.

Looking: At the clean surface of my kitchen table because it is the only clean surface in my house at the moment.

Deciding: If I should finish this or just give up and go to bed. I’m kinda on a roll, but my eyes are getting sooooooo heavy.

Wishing: That my house would magically clean itself. I mean, who doesn’t want that?

Enjoying: Having some “alone” time in the kitchen while the rest of the fam is hanging out in the living room watching tv and playing video games. It’s kind of the best of both worlds, though it would be better if my comfy chair could also be in the quiet kitchen with me.

Wondering: If I will ever feel like there is enough time to do it all, or if I will just always fill 110% of the time I have and always feel like there is never enough.

Loving: Firebrand Collective and everything they are doing for the KC creative community. I just wish my schedule allowed me to participate in more of their awesome hangouts and co-working times.

Pondering: Whether or not I want to go back to school, or better yet, whether I have the stamina to keep up with it, a full-time job, a side business, and my family.

Listening: To Caleb describing why he needs to get the toothpicks wet that he’s carrying around.

Considering: Whether or not I should be concerned about the fact that he is carrying toothpicks around and needing them to be wet.

Buying: Christmas gifts….ssshhhhh!

Watching: This Is Us. Best new show that I’ve seen recently. It’s not quite filling the Parenthood hole yet, but I am definitely enjoying it.

Hoping: That I get to sleep in tomorrow morning without being disturbed. For the first time in at least two months, we have nothing scheduled for Saturday morning.

Marvelling: At my friend’s brand new grandson and the crazy progression of time. His mother was barely three when I first met her and now she has her own baby boy.

Cringing: At the current political climate of the United States. I’m both anxious and terrified for the upcoming election.

Needing: A good night’s sleep – preferably more than the five or so hours I normally get.

Questioning: Why I’m still doing this even though I probably should be in bed sleeping.

Smelling: Home. But I kinda wish I was smelling some freshly baked chocolate chip cookies at the moment.

Wearing: Jeans and a hoodie – my favorite Fall/Winter combo

Admiring: My friends who stand firm in their beliefs and are not afraid to speak their mind, no matter who the audience may be.

Bookmarking: Pixeden. I found some awesome textures to download that really completed some recent photos I took. I’ll definitely be visiting there again.

Disliking: That the days are getting so much shorter. I hate leaving for school/work when it is still dark outside and I hate even more that it is dark when I come back home. I need the sunlight.

Feeling: Overwhelmed and worn out. Between our crazy family schedule and a huge software changeover at work I just feel like I haven’t had any time to just be. I’m actually welcoming the slow down of winter this year.

Helping: My kid with lots and lots of homework. We had to crack down a bit after we found out that it wasn’t getting completed (even when we were told it was) and actually handed in. Now I’m on homework duty nightly to make sure it is finished and to help as necessary.

Hearing: Mythbusters on the TV. My kids absolutely love watching it and I love that they are actually learning while they watch it.

Celebrating: A successful first volleyball season for Evie. Her team may not have won a lot of games (or, you know, any) but she learned a lot about volleyball and how to work together as a team and had a blast doing it. We’re both looking forward to the Spring season!

Pretending: That I have it all together and that I can actually get 19,384,230 things done in a 24-hour period.

Embracing: The craziness of this life. We’ve had a wacky, super-full schedule lately but it is winding down after busy sports seasons and adjusting to a new school schedule. Now it is time to start the holiday craziness instead!

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What Makes Us

Our experiences make us who we are. We hear that simple statement so many times during our lives, albeit in many different forms. But it’s true, isn’t it? Everything that happens in our lifetime molds and shapes us into who we are from infancy through our eventual death.

This idea of experience has hit me several times during the last several days, both through personal challenges and exterior observations. I’ve been thinking a lot about how my lifetime experiences have shaped me into who I am now, and about how I am shaping those around me simply by being me. I see glimpses of myself in my kids, both good and bad at times.

I think about Caleb, who spent the last 9 months or so attending Montessori school – an opportunity my other two children did not have. He learned a lot of skills there that they will learn or have learned over time, through home or other sources, but he has had this amazing experience that they will never have.

My daughter is getting ready to head off to a new school next year where she will have so many opportunities for learning beyond what is offerered in a traditional school classroom. How will that change her and shape her life differently than if she continued on her current path? I can’t wait to see.

My oldest son, who has struggled for so long, had the best school year he has ever had thanks to a teacher who really cared about finding ways to make things work for him. Changing a few things both environmentally and procedurally made a huge difference for him. He now has a positive outlook on school where it has always been a little negative.

Our work environments, our social environments, our Spirituality, our teachers and mentors, our friendships – all of it makes us who we are. I am not the same person I was even three short years ago. That time in my life seem so far away now. Not that life is perfect by any means, but losing my job may have been one of the best things that ever happened to me. It forced me to change my environment and get out of my comfort zone where I could grow instead of remaining stagnant.

I’m not even sure where I’m going with this rambling, disjointed entry so I’m just going to publish it and call it good. This is just what I’ve been thinking about.

**random picture of my boy just because!

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