Category: Body Issues

Zach and I managed to get another day home by ourselves today. I woke up this morning with a really nasty, red, swollen up eye. When I first woke up I could barely even open it. Now the swelling has gone down a bit but it still hurts and is bright red. I’m just hoping it’s not pink eye. I’m certainly not minding the time at home though. I was really dreading going into work today.

On the bright side, I just finished cleaning out my closet and pulling out all of the stuff that is now TOO BIG! I think it is the first time I’ve ever had to do that and it felt pretty darn good.

Comments closed

For the last few months, I’ve really been working on improving myself. First and foremost, I’ve been trying to lose the extra pounds that I’ve put on over the last 4 years while working my office job. Well, I have officially lost the “office job pounds” as I like to call them. As of Monday I have lost a total of 29.5 pounds since November 1st. If I count from my pre-pregnancy weight I have lost 41 pounds.

I am really proud of myself for what I have done so far, but I still have quite a ways to go before I am satisfied. According to the Body Mass Index, I am still overweight, but am no longer obese. I suppose that is an accomplishment. Someday I would like to not be overweight.

I am starting to feel much better about the way I look and how my clothes fit. But, did you know that clothing styles, particularly pants, have seriously changed over the last 4 years? I pulled out all of my old clothes and was thinking, “Great, I have a whole new wardrobe now!” I didn’t realize how much styles have changed. All of my old jeans have the regular cut waist rather than the low-rise or mid-rise that I prefer now. And, they are not stretchy! How in the world did I ever live without stretchy jeans?!? They are so much more comfortable! Fortunately, the committee approved lastnight that after hubby gets paid on Friday I can treat myself to a new pair of jeans that actually fit (as long as I use my $10 off coupon at Old Navy). This will come in handy as I want to go out looking smokin’ hot for my birthday.

Along with the weight loss, I am looking for other ways to improve myself both in my appearance and emotionally. So, today I decided on a whim to go get another hole put in my ear. I have had three piercings on the left ear and only one on the right for many years now. Last year hubby got me some beautiful saphire earrings (that match my wedding ring) but I never wear them because I always have to have hoops in my first hole (I’m kinda weird like that). So, I went and had another piercing done on the right side so that I can wear the saphires in the second holes and wear the whole pair of earrings. Now I just gotta wait for it to heal.

The next step is my hair. I like my haircut, but I’ve basically had it the same for about 4 years now and I’m tired of it. It has gotten shorter and longer, but I always go back the exact same style (when I can find someone to cut it right for me). So, I’m going to go short again. Really short. I’m still working up the courage but I’m pretty sure that’s what I want to do. I have done it once before and loved it. I just got tired of the constant trims to keep it that short. Right now I have so many baby hairs that are growing back in after the pregnancy shedding that it would be a really good time to do it, otherwise I’m just going to be really frizzy for a while.

I’m still working on finding some gym time in my busy day. You would think it wouldn’t be so hard since the gym is in my basement, but it is. About the only time I can fit it into my day is after Zach goes to bed around 8:30 and by then I’m exhausted. I did at least get down there Saturday morning. Hopefully I can make that a regular thing even if it is only once a week.

So, the appearance improvements are coming along nicely. The next step is the emotional improvements and I’m not really sure where to start on that. I have started trying to find a little time just for me during the day and when I can, it seems to help. There are good days and bad, but hopefully soon there will be more good than bad. I guess all I can do is keep trying to take a little step at a time.

Comments closed

Lastnight I was digging through some old boxes of clothes.  I have always been a bit of a packrat and I save everything, including clothes that no longer fit.  Most of the clothes in these particular boxes are from 4-6 years ago.  During those couple of years, I went through a divorce and a major depression where I lost a lot of weight and was probably at the smallest size of my adult life.  Then, as I put my life back together, I started gaining the weight back…plus some.  And now, as I’ve written about, I’m finally making some changes and losing the extra pounds.  I’ve lost enough now that my clothes are hanging on me and I had to dig out some smaller sizes to wear to work.

As I was looking through my old clothes I was surprised at the memories that they brought back.  I held up a pair of pants and can remember thinking how fat I was getting when I had to buy them.  They fit me perfectly now and I was amazed that I could fit into such a small size.  They are 2 sizes smaller than my old "regular" size, and 3 sizes smaller than my post-pregnancy size.  It is funny how differently I think of things like that now. 

I grew up my entire life thinking that I was fat.  I always hated wearing shorts or short skirts because I thought my legs were too chubby.  When I look back at pictures of myself I am surprised at just how thin I really was.  I did go through chubby phases as most kids do, but they were for short periods of time.  I don’t know who to blame for my distorted reality, but sometimes I wish I could go back and re-live some of my childhood years.  I think I would have enjoyed myself more if I was happier with my body.  I wouldn’t have been so self-conscious all the time.  I may have even been a tad bit more outgoing.  I was always bigger than the other girls in my class because of my body structure, but I really wasn’t fat.

I struggle every day with the whole body image thing.  I am still overweight based on America’s standards, but I don’t look so bad (at least that’s what I try to tell myself).  I do feel much better about myself after losing 22 pounds, but I still have a long ways to go.  I would like to lose another 25-35 pounds by this summer.  I need to get myself down to the basement and start working out and building up some muscle.  The dieting is working but if I lose much more without working the muscles I will just end up looking like a bag of droopy skin.

I am proud of myself for making a change.  I really want to set a good example for Zach when it comes to eating and exercising so that he doesn’t have to deal with the same issues I did growing up (yes, boys have these problems too).  I want him to be proud to call me his mom.  I am losing the weight for myself, but I’m not sure I ever would have committed to it without Zach.  I don’t want to be a fat mom.  I want to be able to run and play with him as he grows up.  I want to be able to put on a swimsuit and run around in the sprinkler without being embarrassed.

More than anything, I just want to feel good about myself.  I’m getting there, but I’m not quite there yet.  I think I can be, but it is going to take a lot more work, both on my body and my mind.

Comments closed

This has been a bit of a strange week. I haven’t had much time to write and I have a whole bunch of stuff to catch up on, so that means it is time for a list:

• Zach is feeling much better. I’m pretty sure that his sickness was caused by the shots that he got at the doctor on Monday. He is still a bit congested but is pretty much back to being the smiley, happy boy that I’m used to.
• I had a major bad mommy moment late Tuesday night. I let Zach sleep with me because he was crabby and fussy from being sick and I knew he would be up all night. When he is in bed with me, he lays his head on my arm and he is between my arm and my body. At about 1:30 I heard a weird noise and at the same exact instant I realized he was not in my arm anymore. Then came the screeching cry. Somehow, he had managed to roll over my arm and off the side of the bed. By the time I got him picked up (which was only a few seconds, but seemed like eternity) I was practically in tears. I could not believe that I had let my precious baby, who was already sick and not feeling too good, fall off of the bed. I was pretty sure at the time that I was the worst mommy in the whole world and that Zach would never forgive me for letting him fall. I have since been assured by several other moms that every baby falls off of something at some point and that he will not be permanently scarred. I still have yet to forgive myself though.
• Tomorrow Zach gets to come to work with me (again) because his day care is closed for Veteran’s Day. That means I will get no work done, but I will be here and I get to spend another day with my boy. That will be three days this week that I get to have him. I am really enjoying it, but the piles of work on my desk are getting larger (so it makes a lot of sense that I’m writing this instead of working right now).
• My boss’s grandmother passed away this week. It was his father’s (who also works in our office) mother. We are a pretty small group here so we closed the office this morning to attend the funeral. It was the first time that I have ever been to any kind of Jewish service. It was a little different than what I’m used to, but not really that unlike any other funeral I have attended.
• My Dad and his wife bought a vacation house on the lake. They haven’t actually closed yet, but it will be happening very soon. I can’t wait to go down and see the place. They have shown us lots of pictures, but its just not the same as actually seeing it. The best part is that next summer if we just want to get away for a weekend we will have somewhere that we can go. They had already invited us down over Thanksgiving weekend, but then realized it won’t work because my nephew is having his birthday party that weekend. But, hopefully we’ll get to go down pretty soon.
• Last, but not least, I’ve been putting off mentioning it on here but I figured this could be another way to help me stay accountable. Last week I officially went on a diet. I’m really determined this time to lose some weight so I decided that I would join Weight Watchers to help myself stick to it. I’m doing the online version, which I love so far. I started on November 1st and have already lost at least 7 pounds. It seems to be a pretty easy program for me to stick to. I committed myself to 3 months and if it is still working after that I will continue until I reach my goal. I have put on quite a bit over the last couple of years and (even before the baby) was really unhappy with myself. I’m hoping that losing the weight will help me to feel better about myself and give me a little more energy to chase after Zach once he becomes mobile. I’m really excited about it and am proud of myself for finally doing something that will make a positive change in my life.
2 Comments