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Author: dee

self-control

I should not let myself work on my web sites while I am at work. I get all wrapped up in it and forget that I’m supposed to be working! I just realized that I have now spent at least 3 hours on personal stuff today. Eventually someone’s going to figure me out.

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Oh the frustration!

For the last few days, every time I try to get on my old blog site to check out my friends’ blogs the site is down. Sometimes I get to read one blog, but when I try to comment the server is down. This is SO frustrating! I guess that’s why I moved here. It is nice to have something reliable for a change! It is sad that such a great blog site has so many problems.

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Baby-safe floors

Yesterday my boss was in a rather good mood. My mom decided it would be a good time to talk to him about the carpet in the house that I rent from him. The carpet is pretty old and nasty throughout the entire house. Even when it has just been cleaned it is still pretty gross. Before I had the baby it wasn’t that big of a deal, but knowing that he’ll be down there crawling around on it in a few months has me trying to find a way to replace the living room carpet at the very least.

My mom went in and talked to my boss. She has a way of convincing him to do thigs that we want sometimes. She talked him into letting me use one month’s rent to buy carpet for my living room and hallway. My boss called a guy he knows that owns a carpet store and talked to him about some prices and I went today to pick something out. The price that the guy quoted was under my rent amount so I was hoping that I could add another room on and still keep it below what I had to spend. Well, that didn’t exactly work out. It ended up being quite a bit more than I had to spend. My mom called our boss and told him about it and he said to go ahead and do it. It ends up being almost 2 months worth of my rent, but he said it was okay.

So, sometime next week I will have new carpet in the whole front half of my house. I will feel much more comfortable having the baby crawling around on nice, new, clean carpet. Sometimes it is really nice that I’m able to rent from my boss. I get new carpet and I’m not out any money because I would have paid it in rent anyway.

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I want something…

…salty and sweet, rich and gooey. I can taste it but I can’t figure out exactly what it is. I’m thinking maybe caramel swirl brownies with peanuts and ice cream on top. That might do the trick. Too bad I don’t have any here at work to satisfy my cravings.

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I don't wanna be a grown up!

Lately, my frustration has been growing. Perhaps it’s the post-partum depression hitting me a little late. I’m not really sure. What I am sure of is that I’m tired. I’m completely worn out mentally and physically. I feel like I spend all of my time doing things for others and have no time left for me. I don’t mind taking care of the baby. In fact, the few hours that I spend with him every day are always the best of the entire day. What I am tired of is all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes, grocery store runs, etc. It seems like it never ends. I suppose it is just a bit overwhelming. I can’t possibly keep up with it all. When I get home from work all I want to do is spend time with the baby, yet I have all of these tasks looming over me that must be done. Some nights the only time I get to spend with him is when I am feeding him.

My husband thinks that he is helping out but when it all comes down to it, he’s not doing much. When I do ask him to do something for me, which isn’t very often, he gets all huffy and acts as though I’m really putting him out. If he actually peels himself out of his recliner to do what I asked he complains the whole time. Most of the time I just prefer to do it myself instead of having to listen to him.

Then, of course, there is the whole sex issue. It has been 12 weeks now since I had the baby and we have not yet resumed that part of our lives. He is getting crankier and crankier about it. He says he respects me and will wait until I am ready, yet he keeps trying. Right now, I can barely stand for him to touch me. I’m certainly not ready to have sex with him but I don’t know how to explain it to him. I don’t really have a good reason other than I just don’t feel like it. I don’t know why his touch bothers me so much. It used to be comforting, now it just causes me to tense up. I wish I knew how to get past this.

Basically, I’ve just decided that I don’t want to be a grown-up anymore. I want to go back to having that youthful innocence. I want to go back to not having any responsibilities. I want to stay home and play all day instead of going to work. I want me back.

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