Sometimes I wonder if life is really supposed to be this hard or if I just make it that way. Anyone taking a glimpse into my life would think that everything is just grand. I live in a decent house. I have a good job and a nice car. I have a husband who, for the most part, is pretty damn good to me. I have the most beautiful son on the planet who I love more than I ever thought was possible. I have a family who loves and supports me and I actually enjoy spending time with. I have a few really great friends. Yet, even with all of that, I don’t feel fulfilled or happy.
I’m in a big time rut right now. I don’t really know what I need to be happy. I do know that right now I’m not getting it. I don’t know if this would be classified as depression but I do know that if I don’t make a change, it will get worse. I am so unmotivated in every aspect of my life. I want to do the things that need done but I have no energy to do them. My headaches are back, almost daily. I sleep, but still feel tired in the mornings.
My husband is suffering, mostly because of me I think. He deserves someone who can give him what he needs and right now I can’t. I feel terrible about that but can’t seem to make myself change. I give all of my energy to Zach and hope that he is getting the love and affection that he needs.
There are things weighing on my mind that can’t be discussed here. They can’t really be discussed anywhere, for that matter. They remain in my heart and in my head, as I suppose they should. But those things create a barrier that not even my husband or my closest of friends can break through.
I think more than anything, what is bringing me down is that I am so disappointed in where my life has ended up and in the choices I have made. I used to be so full of ambition, with so many dreams, hopes, and aspirations. Now, I just settle for where life has led me with no hope of ever making a change.
I really need therapy. I know I do. I think I always have needed it, but I’m too chicken to actually go and I’m too broke to pay for it. I would tell anyone else to go to their church pastor but my pastor is my dad so that’s not really an option.
I could ask my doc for more drugs, but I hate being medicated.
So, instead, I turn to the internet. The only place where I really can be me and no one else can tell me what to say or do.
p.s. Yes, I do know that there are lots of other people who are in much worse situations that me. But, this is my blog and if I want to host my own pity party I will.
You can have it, as long as I’m invited. 😉
Hang in there… and please try to know that you are both respected and cared for.
I can relate and you are completely entitled to your pity party. I really don’t think anyone is completely happy or fulfilled with their life. We pretend that we are and live for those fleeting wonderful, fulfilling, and joyous moments. Don’t be so hard on yourself. We all have down times and it’s good that you can talk about it. Therapy helps a lot too. It has improved my outlook on life immensely. Take care!
Actually, I don’t know if this is part of it, but I have a lot of friends who went through similar phases when their first child turned one. You’ve spent so much time investing in Zach that there is very little left for yourself…and when you DO take time for yourself, you feel guilty that you are not making more time for your family. It’s an awful rhetoric out there right now for women – go be what you want to be, but feel bad that you are “neglecting” your family. At least, that’s the discussion I had with a lot of my close friends…and once they started realizing that it was guilt making them feel so bad, they could start doing something about it.
I also think the part I can relate to (I’m no expert on kids since I don’t have any…just speaking from second hand experience) is the part about feeling like you want something more in your life. I think all of us “pushing 30” folks go through this — we’ve been raised in a generation that said – go! do anything! and now we’re realizing that we have so many responsibilities we CAN’T do anything like we thought. It’s a very disempowering feeling. I’ve been trying to make small steps here and create little things for myself.
Of course, therapy DOES really help if you think you need it. There are some community counseling programs that are not expensive, and if you are near a large city you could probably find one.
Okay – LONG response by me, but you know where to find me if you need to talk off blog…
I was in the EXACT same headspace the other night…well actually many nights. I have been planning a post titled I Should Be Grateful, But I’m Not.
Sometimes a girls is just moody and sad ya know…
This is a great blog!