Some days all I want to do is write. There are things that need to move from my head to a piece of paper (or a glowing screen). I’ve always had that side to me. When I feel something deeply, I need to write it out. It helps me process. It helps me release the hurt, the joy, the emotions that build up inside of me. When I was younger, it came out in poetry or letters to those that had wronged me, sometimes to those who I was infatuated with beyond my own understanding. Most of those words were never read by any eyes other than my own. As soon as the words were released, they were destroyed (and boy do I wish I had held onto some of that).
When I first started blogging, it was my own private little getaway. I could write about anything and everything I wanted. The internet was full of strangers. I didn’t use my name. I didn’t tell anyone that this private world of mine existed. But I made friends in my private little world. And they told me that my writing was good. They validated my feelings. They helped me become more honest with myself and with my writing. They helped me overcome my shyness. They made me feel like I had something to contribute to this world, even if it only reaches a few. They made me feel like my story was important.
When I decided to move up in the blogging world and buy my own domain, I chose the name Voices In My Mind. The title came from the lyrics of a song: “Voices in my mind, the voices I can’t hide”. The line just kept ringing through my head. I was done hiding my voice. I was ready to let the world hear it.
In the beginning I let it all out – the good, the bad, and the ugly. I was in a pretty dark place for a while and I complained about everything and everyone that had wronged me. I complained about my husband, my job, my money issues. I didn’t even realize how many boundaries I had overstepped until I suddenly found my blog being featured in the Kansas City Star. Talk about a panic attack! At least I had a little time to delete and make private some of the worst ones. Going public changed the way I write. It made me think twice about the words flowing onto the screen. It made me keep a lot inside. It also reduced my blog from a personal blog to a “mommy blog” in many ways. I stopped writing so much about my true feelings and more and more about my kids as they were a safe topic for my family and friends to read.
At some point during my pregnancy with Evie, my blogging really slowed down. After she was born it slowed down even more. Life with two kids was much harder and busier than I had anticipated. My blog posts decreased to maybe one a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. It got to the point where when I did want to sit down and write it had been so long since the last post that I felt too overwhelmed to write anything at all. I wanted to change it. I just didn’t know how.
At some point in there I also stopped really reading blogs. I didn’t completely stop reading, but found it was easier to keep up with people on Twitter. So I’d click a link here and there but pretty much stopped keeping up with my feed reader. It was just all too much. I didn’t feel like there was enough time for my personal life and my online life. Yet, I still felt like something was missing.
Somewhere amidst the BlogHer ’09 hoopla I found inspiration again. I’ve read account after account of women finally getting to meet their favorite bloggers, friends who have reached out to each other with their words, women who have bonded over babies, infertility, humor, politics, and a plethora of other things. I’ve read posts that have literally brought me to tears because of the emotions so strongly conveyed through letters strung together on a glowing white screen. It gives me goosebumps even thinking of it now.
Suddenly I want to write again, and not just about my kids. I want to write from the heart. I want to fill the page with my emotions, no matter who is reading. I want people who stop by this space to know who I am, not just about my kids. I want to be a part of this amazing blogging community. I want to read posts from my favorite bloggers that fill me with so many emotions and “aha” moments. I want to interact with all of the amazing women (and men) that I’ve come across in the blogosphere and not just sit silently on the sidelines. I want to be a part of something bigger. I want to step outside of this comfortable little box that I’ve been hiding in.
Over the last week or so I’ve been sprucing things up around here. You won’t notice any major changes (especially if you’re reading through a feed reader), but I have updated a few things, including adding uPrinting as a blog sponsor and a few text ads (with all proceeds being set aside for a new camera fund and my next big dream). I’ve also updated my About page, the Blogs I Read page (to reflect those that I’m actually trying to keep up with again), and added links to my other sites along the top. On top of that, I finally took the time to update to the most recent versions of WordPress and Thesis (the best theme of all time).
So, for now anyway, I’m re-energized. I’m ready to rock this thing. You are the inspiration and I love every single one of you.