Some days it feels like my life is spiraling out of control. It is partially my fault for taking so much on. I know at some point I just have to stop but I have a hard time saying no. There are so many things that need to be done and so many other things that I want to do. I know it is absolutely impossible to do them all but the desire is still there.
Every day seems to be a new challenge to see how much I can get done and whether I can actually get everything done that I set out to accomplish. Sometimes the bills don’t get paid on time. Sometimes the laundry doesn’t get done. Sometimes we eat pizza or Chinese delivery instead of a home cooked meal even though we may not have the money for it. Sometimes Zach doesn’t get a bath because I’m too tired to fight with him. Sometimes I can’t do it all.
More often than not things that get pushed down the list are the most important-the things I do for myself. Maybe I read too many blogs. Maybe I care a little too much about that little bit of code that I can’t get quite right. Maybe I place too much importance on this blog. Maybe I shouldn’t stay up until midnight just so I can write about my boring days. Maybe I shouldn’t take on web design projects that I know I don’t have the time for. Maybe I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t do those things.
There comes a point when I have so many to-do’s that I simply cannot relax. There is a point where I feel you must go on until I finish one more task, even if it kills me to do so. There are days where I hit the absolute breaking point and cannot go on any more. Those are the days when I understand Zach’s tantrums. I know what it feels like when his shoe strap isn’t just so, or I fill the wrong cup up with his milk, or I make him strap into his car seat when he would rather just stay at home and snuggle on the couch. It is the final straw. I understand. I want to scream too.
And then some days-rare but glorious days-you finally feel caught up. You can sit back, enjoy your family, and just breathe life in. I need one of those days soon.