Category: Life

2 kids, 2 dogs, 2 cats, and 1 husband – life isn’t perfect, but it is what we make it

To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly.*

Published by dee on November 9, 2006

All of my life it seems I have been waiting to grow up. I can remember as far back as when I was waiting to go to Kindergarten. I was so anxious to go to school because that meant that I was growing up. Then I started school and every year I was anxious to start the next grade because that would mean I was even more grown up.

That got boring after a couple of years and then I just couldn’t wait until I was 13. When I was 13 everything in my life would change. Everyone knew that you were so grown up at 13. When you were 13 you could watch PG-13 movies after all. For my 13th birthday, my parents threw me a surprise party and invited boys. It was my very first boy/girl party. We had cake, opened presents, then turned the lights down and danced to Stevie B.’s "Because I Love You" on repeat all night because I got the tape for my birthday and it was the only slow song we had handy. I spent most of the evening unhappy because the only boys that showed up were the ones "going out" with my best friends and I had no one to dance with.

When I was 14, I had my first serious boyfriend. I thought I was so grown up then. We went on dates to the local pizza joint and to the movies. My sister would drive me over to his house to watch movies or just hang out. His parents even let us hang out up in his bedroom, which would have stopped the visits immediately if my parents would have found out. Sometimes he would come to my house and we would watch the Cowboys together. At the time I thought that he was for sure the one I was supposed to be with for eternity.

That relationship ended after about a year, and although I was upset by it I didn’t let it slow me down much because I was almost 16! I was going to be an adult and have a car and be able to go and do whatever I wanted to do! Unfortunately, Mom and Dad put the brakes on those ideas very quickly. I still wanted to be grown up though, so I went out and got a job. Having a job meant you were grown up right? Well, I quickly found out that I hated working (and still do!). The job at the local grocery store was awful. My best bud at that job was a guy who later got arrested for being a sniper and shooting cars on the interstate. I did like having a little spending money, but I didn’t last long there. I wrote a nasty letter to my boss, who probably got a really big laugh out of it, and I was done.

Since 16 didn’t turn out to be the magical age where I was finally all grown up, I looked forward to 18. I was in the midst of my next very serious relationship and was ready to graduate from high school. I already had a ring on my finger and was ready to get away from my parents and start a new life with my soon-to-be husband. My last year of high school was anything but pleasant and I just couldn’t wait to get away from it all. Plus, college was just around the corner and once I was there I would surely be grown up.

While I did feel much more grown up once I was in college and out on my own, I still reverted back to Mom and Dad when I needed something. After my Freshman year, I got married, moved off campus, and started what I though would be my adult life. As it turned out, just because I was living like an adult didn’t mean I had the maturity of an adult. When things got rough, I ran away from them instead of dealing with them. That helped me end up with a divorce, a job well below what I was capable of, and a lot of debt. I sure was grown up then. I constantly lived in fear because I just couldn’t handle life. I wanted so badly to just go back to being a kid again.

Eventually, I pulled myself back up, met my husband and decided life was worth living agian. We fell for each other hard and fast and suddenly I was ready to try and be an adult again. We got married, moved into a house (even though it isn’t ours), got a dog, and had a baby. Over the last year I have felt a change within myself. There is a settling of sorts that has happened. I finally feel like I have grown up and I have realized just how childish I was before.

I think the biggest change was when I had my son and realized that I was responsible for someone else’s life. Above everything else, that is what made me feel grown up. I am no longer the shy person I once was. I am capable of standing up for myself, my son, and my family. I feel a sense of responsibility and pride in the things I do for my family.

At almost 29 years old, I finally feel grown up. I know I have a lot yet to learn and so many more things to experience in my life but I finally feel like I have grown into the person that I always wanted to be. I’m not afraid to be who I am. I am not afraid of what other people think of me. I know I have flaws and things I can improve upon, but I am me and I’m happy with that. And you know what? I kind of like the grown up me.

*Henri Bergson

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Retail Therapy

Published by dee on November 9, 2006

It is amazing what a sunny afternoon (seriously, 80 degrees in Missouri in November?!?), one hour of my time and about $100 can do for my mood. Okay, so it was more like $135, but about $50 of that was spent on the boys, so I rounded to $100.

Just before lunch time yesterday my boss walked in and said, “It’s 81 degrees outside. Unless you just have too much to do, go ahead and take off after lunch.” I did have a lot to do, but I certainly wasn’t going to pass up the opportunity to get outside and enjoy an afternoon off. I was just about to leave for my lunch break where I had planned on making a quick trip to Old Navy to check out the clearance racks. Plus, since it is Stuff ‘n’ Save (20% off) time again, I figured I could splurge on a new shirt or two for myself. Instead of a rushed trip through the store, I got to spend extra time combing through the clearance racks that were marked an additional 50% off.

I ended up walking out of the store with two big bags full of clothes with a grand total of 11 shirts, 6 pairs of pants, 2 pairs of shorts and a hat/glove set for Zach. 4 of the shirts were for Zach and Hubby got a pair of jeans. All of the rest was for me. My wardrobe just got a nice little makeover. I say all of that for only $135 is a pretty damn good deal.

Instead of getting up and dreading trying to find something to wear to work this morning, I was anxious to put on a brand new outfit. I got dressed and felt so good actually putting on clothes that fit and that were not 10 years old. My whole attitude is better today. I’m happy. I’m productive. Even the piles of work sitting on my desk aren’t stressing me out today because I feel good and I think I look pretty darn good too (except for my hair that is driving me totally insane).

It could be that the sunny weather and the afternoon off contributed, but my bets are all on the new clothes. I’m starting to re-think all of those clothes that I have stored away thinking I might wear them again. The truth is I hate pulling out old clothes and trying to get extra mileage out of them. New clothes feel so much better!

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All By Myself

Published by dee on November 9, 2006

Tonight after work I’ll go pick Zach up, rush home, pick Hubby up and drive up to my sister’s house. We’ll have dinner together and then Hubby and my Brother-in-law will leave for their trip to Pittsburgh. He’ll be gone for a total of four days which isn’t really that long, but also is longer than we’ve ever really been away from each other. Definitely longer than we’ve been away from each other since having Zach.

It is not so much that I mind him going. I know that he and BIL will have a great time together and will really enjoy seeing their two favorite teams hash it out on Sunday. Of course I’ll miss him, but that isn’t really it either. What I’m most worried about is that I will have to deal with Zach plus two hyper dogs and two cats for four days by myself. At first I was all “Woohoo! Time to myself!”. Then I realized there will be no time to myself.

I imagine that I will spend the majority of my time while he is gone playing with Zach and taking the dogs outside to pee. Perhaps we will go to the park or do some other kind of outdoor activity that Hubby never wants to do. I suppose we could rake up the millions of leaves that have suddenly scattered themselves across my yard in the last two days. Or perhaps we’ll just sit around in our pj’s watching episode after episode of The Upside Down Show.

There are so many things I would have done with this time back before I had a child. I could have possibly finished up my scanning project, created a few web site designs, maybe crocheted a blanket or a few hats, edited my digital photos, read a book, cleaned my house, or even just sat on the couch watching endless hours of TV until my brain was fried. Now there isn’t much time for those things. Now I am responsible for a life other than my own and I can no longer be selfish. Granted, he has to go to bed and take naps so there will be a little alone time, but I’m guessing I’ll be ready to sleep too.

It should be an interesting weekend.

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Rock the Vote

Published by dee on November 7, 2006

I’ve never been a very political person. I don’t get into the arguing and slamming the other parties that many seem to enjoy so much. When election time comes up I tend to just go with my gut feeling. I hate to admit that I don’t research the parties or those running for office and I usually don’t even recognize some of the names on the ballot. I don’t really call myself a Democrat or a Republican. I tend to lean more on the Democratic side, mostly because my parents always did when I was growing up so I identify more with the Democratic ideologies. My husband is very strongly Republican, so we don’t discuss politics much around our house.

I voted for only the second time in my life this morning. I’ve legally been able to vote for 10 years now but I have not exercised that right. I’m not sure why really. I just wasn’t ever that interested. My husband convinced me to vote for the last presidential election. I didn’t feel like it really did any good because, well, look who’s in office. My voice certainly wasn’t heard on that one. I laugh at those people that say every vote counts. Ha! I have my own opinions about our system for electing the president and how the votes are actually tallied.

Putting all of that aside, I did vote this morning. In Missouri, there were issues on the ballot that I felt it was necessary to vote for. The biggest and most controversial issue (in my opinion) was for regulating stem cell research. There was also a vote on raising the minimum wage and an additional tax on tobacco. These are the issues that brought me out to the polls. There were a couple of elected officials that I felt strongly about, but I mainly wanted to get my vote in on the three issues I mentioned. I am proud of myself for getting out there and contributing my opinion. Of course I’ll be disappointed if the vote goes the other way, but at least I tried.

If you haven’t voted, get out there and do it. It made me feel good. Hopefully it will do the same for you.

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Can I Just Go Back To Bed?

Published by dee on November 6, 2006

I got sent home from work today. It’s a shame really because I was feeling rather productive which is unusual for me. Apparently there was some kind of electrical problem in the building. About half of our electrical outlets in our office went out, including the one in my corner where I plug pretty much everything in. I still had power in my laptop, but I couldn’t do much of what I needed to do without my printer functioning. A few minutes after the power went down, the maintenance department came around and told us that they were going to have to shut down the power to the entire building while they fixed a wire that had burnt out and they didn’t know how long it would be down. Bonus! So, here I am at home working. I thought briefly about picking Zach up early, but decided to let him go ahead and get his nap in at day care.

The weekend was good, but nothing too exciting happened. Hubby and I attended a party with my Sister and her husband Saturday night. It was fun, but Hubby was on call, my Sis is pregnant, and her husband doesn’t drink so I was the only one of the four of us drinking. It made for a much more mellow evening than we usually have at these parties. Everyone kept commenting about how quiet Hubby was being. There was lots of yummy food though which I totally over indulged in. Unfortunately, I paid for that the rest of the night with a bit of a stomach ache that kept me awake.

I’ve been sitting here this afternoon staring at my computer, knowing that I should be getting some work done, yet avoiding doing it. I have too many other things on my mind. There are so many other things I would prefer to be doing, like cleaning up the mess on my desk. I have so many projects that I’ve started and not had the time to finish that are just laying around taunting me. Plus, there are all the books I want to read that I never seem to have the time for.

I’ve also been sitting here staring at this form that needs to be filled out. Before I started working at my current job, I worked for a company that contributed to a state retirement program. It has been almost five years now and a few months ago I was informed that I had to withdraw the funds I had contributed and either roll them over to another account or take the cash. I’m still sitting here with the form because I can’t decide what to do with it. It is a rather small amount of money, roughly $1000 or so. I could certainly use the cash right now, but would only end up with probably about $700 after taxes and penalties. If I roll it over I could actually have a start at a retirement plan, small as it is. My company doesn’t offer retirement benefits so that would be the smart thing to do. I hate making decisions on stuff like this.

Even after eating way too much this weekend, I still managed to lose 3.5 pounds this week. The first week is generally the easiest for me because the pounds just seem to fall off, but I think I’ll be even more committed this week. I actually planned out fairly healthy meals for the whole week and went grocery shopping so we have everything we need to make those meals. Now, as long as my Lean Cuisine meals don’t thaw out in the office fridge during the power outage today I should be set for the week.

Well, back to work. I suppose I should at least bust out a letter or two for work before I go pick up the boy from day care. If I’m lucky I’ll get an extra hour or so of snuggle time in with him tonight.

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Jumbled Thoughts

Published by dee on November 2, 2006

I’ve been trying to write a blog post all day. I get about three words down and them I’m all….duuuuuhhhhh…what else do I say? I’m not sure what the problem is. I have things in my head I want to write about but I can’t seem to actually get the words from my brain to the screen. This whole week has actually been a bit of a struggle when it comes to posting. The biggest thing on my mind is my diet and trying to control what goes in my mouth. Yesterday went great but today has been a little bit harder. That certainly makes for an interesting blog post, huh? Just ask Maggie. Perhaps I should buy her book with my Amazon gift certificate.

I somehow stumbled across a great new music blog this week. The fact that Heather covers Pearl Jam quite a bit is just icing on the cake. I’ve been browsing through the archives and can’t seem to stay away. She also pointed the way to the Pearl Jam Bootlegs blog where I have been having fun downloading some live tracks including the recent Bridge School Benefit sets.

So, in case anyone is wondering, Hubby is now reading the blog. (Hi honey!) I’m not sure if that is contributing to my writer’s block or if it is just the lack of sleep the last couple of nights. Zach is still not feeling well and was up coughing most of the night lastnight. Perhaps I should not have taken him out in the cold air to trick-or-treat?

I turned down an opportunity to make a few extra bucks today which I normally never do. One of the guys in our office frequently asks for favors (and pays!) but then will go around behind your back and tell everyone what a horrible job you did and how he paid you so much money to do it and you couldn’t do it right. In most cases, it is actually that the project was done right but that he screwed it up afterwards. Not that I’m speaking from experience or anything….ahem. I would usually take on the job regardless of his attitude, but I just don’t have the energy to take on anything else right now. I have too many of my own projects that are sitting around neglected right now to try to do someone else’s for them.

Ok, I’m done. I need a nap…or maybe a Mojito.

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