Author: dee

Unanswered Questions

Published by dee on January 13, 2011

Yesterday I had another fun day of sitting around waiting at my OB/GYN’s office. I had a 10:30 appointment for a follow-up sono to check on my latest round of PCOS related ovarian cysts and then an appointment to see my doc. Per usual, if I don’t schedule a 9:00 a.m. appointment, the doc got called out to the hospital for an emergency procedure and I ended up sitting around there for over three hours. I know these things can’t be helped, but when you are sitting there waiting to find out if you have to have yet another surgery you tend to get a bit impatient.

When the doc finally got in there, she looked at my sono pics, pushed around on my tummy a bit, asked me some questions, and decided that the best course of action is surgery. This time around, the surgery is not to remove an excessively large cyst though, but to remove my right ovary. Well, most likely removal of the ovary. She basically said that she needs to get in there and look around to find the source of the pain, but that most likely the ovary will need to come out. She suggested there might be some endometriosis or even scar tissue that is causing it, but she can’t be sure until she gets in there. The good news is that I only have normal-sized cysts this time and she doesn’t think that is the cause of the pain.

She also gave me the option of Lupron injections, which would maybe help. Even with that, there was still a high chance that surgery would be needed. We both agreed that just going ahead with the surgery seemed like the best option.

When you talk about removing an ovary, the inevitable question comes up, “Do you plan to have any more kids?” Granted, pregnancy can still happen with just one functioning ovary, but I’m sure what she was wanting to know is if it would be better to just take it all out. The problem is, I’m not ready to answer that question yet. I am beyond blessed with the two children I have. At one time I didn’t think I would be able to have any, so to have two beautiful, healthy children without any pregnancy-related complications is a pretty amazing feat. I have the perfect family – one boy, one girl – the way I always dreamed it would be. Yet, there is a little part of me that just doesn’t feel quite finished.

When I weigh out the pros and cons, everything points to stopping at two. Financially, we really don’t have room for another baby. We need to buy a new car. We would like to someday actually buy a house. We have debt up to our eyeballs and are not making much progress on it right now. Plus, thinking about swallowing another five years of day care/preschool costs makes me sick to my stomach.

Then, of course, there is the Hubby to consider. He says he’s done. He’s happy with our two and doesn’t want to rock the boat. I get that. Maybe it is wrong of me to even consider wanting another child when he feels that way. Yet, I just can’t commit to saying I’m done. I’m leaning that direction, but it seems so final.

Evie wants a little sister. She brings it up frequently. When she plays with her dolls she feeds them, burps them, changes their diapers, snuggles and sings to them, then tucks them into bed. She is a natural care taker. A real baby brother or sister would blow her mind. I know that is not a reason to have another child, but how amazing would it be to give her another sibling to bond with? And there is Zach too. Even though he thinks his little sister is the coolest ever, he would really like to have a brother.

All these things swirl around in my head. Even though I don’t have to make a decision now, making the ultimate decision that I am done would make things much easier on me in the future. Taking both ovaries out would relieve a lot of stress, pain, and future surgeries. It’s just the finality of it that I can’t handle. What if I change my mind?

I could potentially just go for a full hysterectomy, which I have always planned on doing after I was done having kids, due to PCOS and my high risk of breast/ovarian cancer. I’m a little scared of what that would do to my body hormonally, but it really would lessen a lot of health risks for me. Being that it’s not medically necessary right now to go that extreme, would I regret it later? I don’t know.

I have a lot of questions right now, and not a lot of answers (what else is new?). It seems to make the most sense to just take out the one ovary now, and deal with the rest later which is pretty much what I have decided to do. Things could be fine after that, or they may not. While I do have cysts on the left side as well, they don’t seem to cause me pain. That doesn’t mean that they won’t though. And the not knowing, that is the problem.

2 Comments

Snow Day!

Published by dee on January 11, 2011

Yesterday we experienced our first official school snow day. As a working parent, this is a new one for me. I think we may have had one time ever that day care closed and nobody was getting out on the roads anyway. I found myself in a sudden panic over what to do with Zachary, although once Evie woke up I knew I was going to stay home. She is going through the most horrible cold ever and still wasn’t well enough to go back to day care.

We spent the day at home. I spent the day frantically trying to get some work done in between starting TV shows, giving hugs, dragging out toys, and refilling milk cups. The kids? They were thrilled to have another day at home. I worked up until about 3:30, when they finally convinced me to take them outside to play in the snow.

Hubby was home as well, but since he was on-call for work, I couldn’t leave him with the kids. With snowy roads, he would have needed to leave immediately if he would have been called out on a job. There wouldn’t have been a big enough time gap to wait for me to get home first.

All of this got me thinking about what other parents of school-age kids do when there is a snow day or teacher work day and the kids are out of school. I’m lucky that my boss doesn’t mind me bringing the kids to the office occasionally, and I’ve taken advantage of that several times this year already. The problem is, I’m not sure how long he’ll put up with it. I certainly don’t want it to become a nuisance. We’re on day two of snow days this week and since Evie could finally go back to day care, he came to the office with me. The good thing is that he is very well behaved at the office. As long as he has his DSi or can play games on the Disney web site he’s a happy camper.

Somewhere along the way, we’re going to have to find a better solution though. There are several more days coming up that he’ll be out of school, and probably another snow day or two, not to mention Spring Break or SUMMER(!). We were lucky to have the in-laws here over winter break to help out, but we can’t expect them to do that every year. We don’t have a regular baby-sitter (Grandma, aunts, and uncles are nearby when we need an evening out) and Zach has decided that he’s way too old to go to day care with his sister (plus her cut-off is 5 yrs) so I’m just kind of stuck. We don’t know a lot of people that live nearby that might suggest a sitter in our area either.

What I would really love to find is a local college student that would be available on those days, but how do you even go about finding someone like that when you don’t know any? What do other people do with their kids when there’s no school and they have to be at work?

Comments closed

iheartfaces – Smile!

Published by dee on January 10, 2011

iheartfaces is celebrating their 2nd birthday this week and the photo challenge for the week is “Smile!” There are some really great smile photos, so please stop by and check them out.

I haven’t participated in a while but I have the perfect photo for this one. I had the honor of helping take photos at my cousin Jeanne’s wedding in December and this shot was one of my favorites. She was absolutely beaming!

2 Comments

6 Days In

Published by dee on January 6, 2011

Well, so far I feel like I’m kicking 2011’s butt. I honestly can say I have no complaints yet this year. So what if we’re only 6 days into it? I’m feeling very good – energized even – about what is to come this year.

I really have to give a little bit of credit to my in-laws though, because if it weren’t for their visit during the last couple weeks of December, I would probably be as frazzled as I normally am in the new year. It was such a joy to have them here over Christmas, and they were incredibly helpful with the kids. Not only did they agree to take Zach to swimming lessons over his school break (which he LOVED!), but by keeping the kids at home, they knocked over an hour and a half of commute time off of my work day. It was so nice not to have to rush in the mornings, and to actually get home at 5:00.

Maybe it is because I actually got some sleep for a change, or maybe just because we are finally getting back into our routine, but my head feels clearer than it has in a long time and I’m making plans. I’m so excited about the decisions I’m making and can’t wait to see them unfold. Some of these are smaller things, like finally making the decision to commit to Weight Watchers again, and others are big, major, life-changing things that I’m not quite ready to spill just yet. I realize that some of it may fizzle out as time goes on and I decide which are the most important, but for now I’m just going with the excitement.

The first thing I’m focusing on is taking care of myself. I re-joined Weight Watchers on Monday and am really going to try to stick with it this time. I weighed myself this morning and am already down 3.5 pounds since I started. I know I always drop a few pounds quickly at first, but it still felt really good to see that number on the scale!

Thanks to some very gentle prodding from Cagey, I also registered for my first 5K of the year (feel free to follow that link if you’d like to help sponsor me!). Having a goal really helps motivate me to exercise, so I plan to do at least two 5K’s this year and I’ll have one of them knocked out by the end of January.

Taking care of myself also includes taking care of the craziness in my head, so I am journaling for the first time in years. It really helps to clear my head, even if it is something as simple as writing down my to-do list for the day. I hope to get better at this as time goes by. I’ve already missed a day or two, but since it is my journal, I guess that doesn’t matter that much.

I also want to make a concerted effort to rekindle some friendships and maybe make some new ones. Even though I’m on facebook and have re-connected with a lot of friends there, I don’t feel like I have many true friendships, mostly just acquaintances. I know it is pretty much my fault because I hate picking up the phone. Plus, actually getting out of the house takes some major scheduling and effort so I just don’t do it. It is time to change that. I need to get out every once in a while, even if it is just to meet up for an hour and gab.

I also miss my little online community that I used to be part of, so my Twitter account is public again and I want to start engaging more. I may not have much to say, but I’m going to try to jump in a little more often. I needed a break for a while and now I’m ready to roll again. What can I say, I miss the over-sharing! Besides, because I was on Twitter this morning, I’ve already signed up for my first 5K of the year and will be spending that time with a friend! Double score!

The biggest challenge I have set for myself though, is to improve my photography skills. I’m learning a little bit all the time, but I want to get to the point where I’m getting the results I want at least 99% of the time. I want to think through my photos, plan out what I want, and capture what I see in my head. I have a long way to go to get to that point, but I’m going to have fun getting there! To keep myself moving forward, I started a new 365 project. I’ve always been afraid to do it before, but this time I’m not putting any limitations on it (unlike my failed 365 gratitude project). One photo a day of anything that strikes me. It may be artistic or it may not; it all depends on the mood I’m in that day. It may be shot with my iPhone, my crappy point-n-shoot, or my DSLR, whatever I happen to have in my hands. No limitations. I’ve made it 5 days so far and I’m already patting myself on the back.

2011, I think I may love you. Let’s keep this good relationship going for the next 359 days, okay?

1 Comment

The 2011 and Beyond Plan

Published by dee on January 4, 2011

This year there are no resolutions, no goals, no deadlines. This year there is a plan, but I’m calling it the 2011 and Beyond Plan. There is a beginning, because everything has to start somewhere, but there is no end. This plan is a life-changing, adapting as time goes by, kind of plan. Because, after all, I know myself and I never, ever, ever stick to goals, resolutions, or any of that New Year’s mumbo jumbo. Mostly, these are just simple things that I want to do more of (things that I should have been doing all along), plus a few new things that I think will bring a nice balance to my life. There are a few goalish sounding things included, but they are there just as reminders of things I would like to accomplish in time.

Education & Skills
- Take more artistic, meaningful, thought out photos – In other words, have a purpose – don’t just click, click, click
- Educate myself more about natural lighting, color management, and editing photos
- Research requirements of owning/operating a small business
- Take an advanced photography class
Body
- Develop healthier eating habits – more fruits and veggies, less pizza and cheeseburgers
- Start running again – I stopped due to laziness and a foot problem, but I’m ready to rock it again!
- Get more sleep (this may be unattainable, but I need to try)
- Run Race for the Cure and at least one other 5K every year
Mind
- Journal
- Read more books, read less online
- Be a better friend – pick up the phone more often, make plans to get together and actually do it
- Learn to say NO when I simply don’t want to do something or don’t have the time to do it – stop over committing
Family & Household
- Be more patient with my children (and husband)
- Focus on spending quality time with the kids and husband (no iphone, computer, tv)
- Learn to create and stick to a budget – I have failed at this so many times, but really need to do it.
- DE-CLUTTER my house – I may have to call in a professional on this one!
- Print photos and put in albums or make photo books
Professional
- Get paid to do something I love doing

Comments closed

Intimidated By A Blank Page

Published by dee on December 31, 2010

I’ve been sort of lying low on the internet for a while now. My blog posts have become much more random and infrequent, I rarely post on Twitter, and while I do keep up on Facebook most of the time, I don’t post nearly as often as I used to. I’m still reading though. I try to keep up with what my friends are doing. I check in on Twitter a few times a day (usually) and what I don’t catch there, I get on Facebook. My Google Reader, however, is overflowing with unread posts. I tend to read posts that are linked on Twitter and Facebook more often and this one about journaling really caught my attention.

You see, I have this slight obsession with paper products and pens and I really have a weakness for pretty leather-bound journals and notepads. Just before 2010 started, I purchased a pretty lime green covered journal and promised myself that I was going to use it. I also selected a pack of multi-colored pens that were to be used specifically in that journal. I made a total of one entry in that journal, which listed my one goal for 2010 – to complete the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. I never added anything else. The blank pages intimidated me. As with every other journal I’ve ever had, I didn’t want to mess up the perfection of the book before me.

After reading Karen’s post, however, I have a completely different outlook on what a journal can – or should – be. It doesn’t have to be elaborate or deeply introspective. It can simply be a list of to-do’s or what you did that day, a favorite photo or quote that you came across, a picture drawn by a child. The everyday things that make life what it is are probably much more worth remembering in years to come than a perfectly thought out rant about the state of the world today. And really? The messier the better. Why not scribble that design that has been playing around up in my head? Why not write down that funny comment that my daughter made last night?

I couldn’t wait to get home, pull out that pretty, practically brand new, green-covered journal and start writing. I took it to bed with me last night and, before I turned out the lights, started writing. My first entry was a list of accomplishments for 2010. I had two pages filled in no time. Next, I wrote a list of things I would like to do in 2011 – not goals or resolutions, but just things I would like to do. By the time I stopped, I had filled four pages of that perfect little book.

And the best part? I went to bed feeling peaceful, instead of lying awake with a million thoughts swirling through my head. I slept well, and woke up feeling refreshed this morning instead of tossing and turning all night. Maybe it was a fluke, but if a few minutes of writing is all I need to do to get a good night’s sleep, I’d say it is well worth it. Who knows, maybe it will help me get back to blogging on a regular basis. I already have a couple of post ideas from things I scribbled out last night.

Comments closed