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Tag: school

Heavy

Sometimes, that beautifully planned out life that you dreamed about and worked so hard to create just isn’t what you thought it would be or what you planned for it to be.

Sometimes, even when there is so much good in your life, it is hard to not let the bad stuff leak in and take over.

Sometimes, your fears become your reality.

Sometimes, the weight of it all is just too much.

It is just so heavy – that weight pushing down on you.

That’s where I am right now.  The weight of this life, so heavy that I no longer know what to do with it.  There’s no shrugging it off.  There’s no running away.  There’s no sleeping through it until it eventually goes away.  It is just there, waiting to be picked apart, piece by piece.

My mind is scattered, always going in a million different directions.  There is no focus.  Everything I do seems to take an enormous amount of effort.  I forget things constantly, important things.  I lose things that were in my hands only moments before.

I try to pretend like things are okay, when really I feel like I’m drowning.  I can’t drown though, I have to keep going.  There is no stopping when you are the one who takes care of everybody else.

It is good to be needed, until you are needed so much that there is no more of you to give.

Life is hard right now.  The last couple of months have been hard.  The last week, even harder.

Last week I was involved in a fender bender on my way home from work.  I got rear-ended in stop and go traffic on the highway.  It was really pretty mild, just some scrapes on the bumper from what I can tell.  I still need to get the car in for some estimates and make sure there isn’t any more damage than what I can see.  It shook me up, but I was lucky it wasn’t worse.  All I could think was, “Thank God my kids weren’t in the car.”

On Monday, Hubby got rear-ended in a much worse way.  He was on his way to work when the driver in the car behind him fell asleep at the wheel.  He slammed into Hubby’s car going 65+ miles per hour.  Hubby was very lucky and ended up with a sprained shoulder (from the seat belt) and a partially sprained neck.  He’s hurting, but he’s alive.  I couldn’t even function on Monday until I knew he was at the hospital getting checked out.  I guess I just needed to know that he was okay, even though he complained about my constant texts and phone calls checking on him.

School is still difficult for Zach.  Although the bullying situation seems to have gotten better, there are still other issues.  He told me this week that he “hates” school and doesn’t want to go anymore.  Yesterday I couldn’t get him to go into his before school program (which is necessary because I have to be at work before school starts).  He cried and clung onto me long enough that I ended up just staying and walking him to his class.  I know he doesn’t hate school.  He comes home excited every day telling me all about the things they learned that day.  He just doesn’t like the before/after school program.  It is too much for him.

Last week I somehow came across a link to a blog about Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), this post in particular.  As I started reading, I got this huge sinking feeling in my stomach.  While I’ve detected some signs and suspected some sensory issues with Zach for a while now, I suddenly knew, without a doubt, that THIS is what we’re dealing with.  I immediately downloaded a book about SPD, which I’ve been reading every chance I get, and the more I read, the more I know this is it.  So many of the unexplained behaviors that we’ve seen from Zach over the last year or two finally have an explanation.  And, while having answers should lessen the weight I carry, instead it has made it heavier.

I know now that there need to be evaluations, I just don’t know exactly where to start.  I do believe that he has a mild form of SPD, and that, with help, we can make things better for him.  I know it is going to take a LOT of work to get him where he needs to be.  I am so very thankful that he has a teacher that is more than willing to do what it takes to make him successful in his class at school.  She has already taken steps with him that have made things better, like making sure that he always gets to sit at the end of the table at lunch instead of being smashed in the middle of the group.

My biggest struggle with this right now, is that I want to know everything there is to know about SPD and I want to know it NOW.  I want all of the answers so that I can help him and make life less difficult.  I know there are simple things we can implement at home, I just don’t know what they are or how to do them yet.  All the while, his behaviors have been escalating and I don’t know how to handle them.

It also doesn’t help that Zach has a two-year-old little sister who loves nothing more than to egg him on when he does have problems at home.  She is most definitely in the “terrible two’s” stage and entirely too smart for her own good.  She knows how to set him off.  She is also quickly learning how to get the attention turned to her when mom and dad are focused on Zach.  I can’t say that I blame her, but it leads to some very unpleasant times at home and an enormous amount of guilt on my part.  I wonder if she isn’t getting the attention she needs because, out of necessity, our attention always seems to be on Zach.

Last night Zach had to go sleep in the guest bedroom.  He was throwing a huge fit because he didn’t like the cd that Evie picked out to listen to at bed time.  Removing him from the situation seemed to be the best thing to do at the time.  They have shared a bedroom for 2 1/2 years now, but I can see that that needs to change, sooner rather than later.  I question whether it was simply a fit and he was trying to get his way or if the music simply was too much for him all of a sudden, music that he has listened to over and over again.  I question everything these days.  Is he just being a kid throwing a tantrum, or is there more to it?

While we have one little piece of the answer now, all it has done is bring more questions.  While I know I shouldn’t, I feel guilty for not picking up on all of this sooner.  I’ve seen some of the signs since he was tiny, yet blew it off as just being one of his little “quirks” because I didn’t know what else it might be.  It blows my mind to go through the list of signs or symptoms of SPD and realize most of the behaviors that we’ve been trying to correct all these years were completely out of his control.  I wish I could take back all the times I have yelled and screamed at him out of frustration.

I keep reminding myself how lucky I truly am.  I have so much richness in my life.  I have two amazing, smart, and kind kids.  I have a husband who would do anything for me and the kids.  I have so much, yet this weight, this heaviness sitting right there on my chest, it isn’t going to go away.  It’s here to stay. I guess I just have to figure out how to carry it.

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School of Rock Free Preview Week

school of rock logoDo you have a budding musician in your household that is ready to rock out? If so, then this School of Rock offer is perfect for you!

School of Rock is the national leader in music education and has been teaching kids how to amaze audiences for more than ten years. They offer lessons in guitar, bass, vocals, drums and keyboards for kids ages 7 – 18. No experience necessary just eagerness to learn – School of Rock knows the best way to learn is by doing!

School of Rock Free WeekSchool of Rock’s performance-based curriculum teaches kids to play rock music in a unique and interactive way, which is changing the way kids learn to play music across America. Professional musicians teach students of all levels, developing both their music skills and confidence. School of Rock operates 58 schools in 23 states.

Through the end of October, School of Rock is offering a free preview week at any of their 58 schools! The free week includes one private trial lesson and one Rock 101 group class. It is a great chance to try them out and see if School of Rock is for you.

FREE WEEK DETAILS:
* Includes one private trial lesson (30-45 min) and one Rock 101 group class (90 min).
* To redeem call 866-371-0557, use code SORBLOG
OR
* Complete the online form and input the SORBLOG code in the Questions/Comments field and the school will contact you directly.
* Free week must be completed by Oct. 31, 2010
* Offer available at participating locations and is subject to scheduling and availability.
* Must mention code SORBLOG when contacting the school to receive the free week.

You can find out more about School of Rock and their Free Preview Week by visiting their website, Facebook, or Twitter pages.

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Bullying in Kindergarten

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One month in the public school system and I’m ready to bring my babies home, lock the doors for good, and home school them until they’re 25.  Please note that it has nothing to do with the teaching.  I do believe that my son has an excellent teacher, probably the best that I could ask for.  He’s excited to learn.  It amazes me how much he has picked up on over the last four weeks.

He was flipping through a book last night  as I was putting laundry away, pointed to a word and said, “Mommy, that says ‘me’!”  Indeed it did.  He was so pleased with himself, and so was I.  He is a smart kid and so willing and ready to learn.

I knew kindergarten would be hard.  I knew there would be adjustments to make.  I knew he would be tired and that he most likely would come home with a new sassy attitude that he would pick up from his peers.  I was somewhat prepared for that.

What I wasn’t prepared for was him getting picked on.  I wasn’t prepared for my little bitty 5-year-old to come home telling me that a kid pushed him down and his foot was hurting because of it, or that another kid tried to push his head into the toilet, or that a kid was pushing him every time they got in line, or that another kid “spanked” him in the restroom.  I especially wasn’t prepared for him to tell me that he was the one that got in trouble for it all because the other kid ran ahead and told the teacher that Zachary did it first.

I can’t say that Zachary wasn’t at fault.  I would be almost certain that he’s not telling 100% of the truth because he’s afraid he’ll be in trouble at home too.  I know he has pushed back, hit, and even on one occasion bit another kid, but I’m guessing that most of the time it was provoked.  He’s not an aggressive kid and most of the time tends to shy away from confrontation.

Yes, I’ve talked to the teacher.  Notes have been sent home.  E-mails have been exchanged.  I’m currently waiting on her to get back to me regarding a meeting time so we can discuss this whole thing again.  I’m willing to do anything to get this to stop.

I’ve discussed it as much as possible with Zach, but he shuts down when I bring it up.  He doesn’t want to talk about it for long.  I remind him as I drop him off every day to be nice to the other kids, to tell the teacher if someone does something to him, and not to hit or push back if someone does something to him.

After missing recess yesterday (because he got caught hitting back the kid who “spanked” him) he spent nearly the entire evening in tears.  Every little thing just set him off again.

I’ve spent most of the day today trying to hold back my own tears.  For the last three weeks I have felt like there is a huge brick laying on my chest that I can’t shake off.  I certainly can’t keep him out of school, but I just want to grab him up and run as far away as possible.  I hate that I can’t protect him from all of this.  I hate that I can’t just fix it.

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I Think This Is The New Normal

I’ve been trying to put more effort into writing here lately, but this week sort of slipped away from me.  After getting back from our awesome weekend at the lake, we had to jump right back in to real life.  Real life isn’t nearly as much fun.

On top of raging allergies (for 3 of the 4 of us) it has been a busy, busy, week full of things that I just didn’t want to do.  One of those things included sitting at the eyeglasses store with a restless 5-year-old for over an hour waiting for them to replace the frames that have broken a million and one times now.  They finally replaced them free of charge, though they didn’t have the exact same frames available.  They did have a similar style that his lenses would fit in, but black instead of brown.  At least the lenses seem to stay in these…so far.

Then there were more problems at school for Zach, which I’ve been asked to discuss with his teacher next week.  There’s the fight to get homework done every night, the baths, the bedtime routine.  It all just wears me out.  Not to mention the fact that Miss Evie seems to have found her attitude all of a sudden and it isn’t a pleasant one.

On Thursday, Zach was supposed to have his first soccer practice and he was SO excited.  So excited that when he found out it was canceled due to rain, he dropped to the floor and cried.  Poor kid.  I felt really bad for him, but I guess he’ll be extra excited when he gets to have TWO practices next week.

The canceled practice was a bit of a blessing for me, because it allowed me to get the kids settled down a little earlier for bed and I got to actually sit and watch the Saints game with Hubby while simultaneously editing photos and crocheting.  Nothing like multi-tasking!  I’m trying to get a head start on holiday projects this year and the cooler temperatures have really gotten me in the mood to play with some yarn.  I’ve done a lot of knitting in the last few years, but for some reason I’ve been in the mood to pull out the crochet hooks lately.  One project down – lots to go.

This weekend Hubby’s on call for work so we’ll be sticking close to home.  There’s lots of cleaning to be done, the pool at mom’s house to get packed away for another year, and hopefully some time for some creative projects and relaxing.  If I’m lucky I might even get a good run in.  Next week will be another busy one, so I want to enjoy the weekend as much as possible.

And with that, I’ll post some happy weekend at the lake pictures.

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First Day of Kindergarten

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I sent my boy off to kindergarten this morning. I thought I would break down and cry when I dropped him off, but I didn’t. I think mostly I made it through because he had such a good attitude about it.

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Before I tucked him in bed last night we set out his new school clothes on his desk. As soon as I opened his door to wake him up this morning, he jumped out of bed and started getting dressed without even being told. He was ready to leave in record time.

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We grabbed a quick breakfast, stopped for some pictures (even though little Sis shrugged his hugs off and refused to smile), then loaded up in the car. I could tell Zach was a little nervous, but I think he was more excited than anything.

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When we got to school he jumped out of the car and had his backpack on before I even had the car shut off. We went inside, signed him in (he’s attending the before/after school program), and I sent him in with the other kids to wait until it was time to go to his classroom. He seemed a little uneasy when I dropped him off there, but I figured he needs to get used to it since this is where he’ll be dropped of every day. I took his four(!) bags of supplies on down to the room to give to his teacher and waited for him to make his way down there with the other kids.

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Once the kids got to the room, it got a little chaotic. They had all the kindergartners in the same room and then called their names to go with the correct teacher. When that was all sorted out, the kids got to go find the seat with their name on it and begin tracing their name. Then they were asked to draw a picture of themselves. Zach got right to work on his.

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When they finished their drawings, the teacher asked them all to go sit on the carpet. I took that as my cue to go ahead and leave. I told Zach good-bye, gave him a quick kiss, and headed off to work.

It wasn’t nearly as bad as I expected and the only time I even teared up was when another little boy started crying. I felt so bad for him! Zachary had a big smile on his face as I left though, so I’m not the least bit worried about him. I think he’s going to love school.

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School Days

This is the first year that I’ve had to deal with the whole “Back to School” craze.  Though he’s not officially in school yet, we did decide to put Zach in preschool this year.  Since he’s been at a home daycare for the last year or so, he needed a few supplies.  He already had a backpack, but we bought a brand new cars lunch box and thermos, some new tubs for his cubby spaces, a few new shirts, underwear and socks.  You know, all of the essentials.

Zach's First Day of Preschool - 1

Yesterday was Zach’s first day at his new preschool.  I had a really hard time deciding where to take him.  I wanted a balance of convenience (because he and Evie now have two separate drop-offs/pick-ups), cleanliness, friendly teachers, and a good curriculum.  It doesn’t help that my sister is an amazing preschool teacher, but is too far away to enroll Zach where she teaches.  I ended up enrolling him in a church preschool/day care just down the street from the home day care that Evie attends.  He’ll stay there all day, Monday through Friday so I don’t have to worry about any half-day transportation issues.

Zach has been ready for preschool for a long time.  I’m the one that has been dragging my feet on it.  He really should have been in last year but I liked having both kids at the same place.  Over the last six months or so he has been begging me to let him go to school.  When we went and visited, he jumped right in with the other kids.  He is going to LOVE it, at least until that honeymoon period wears off.

I am just hoping that I picked the right place.  There are things I love about this school and a few that I don’t like about it.  It will take some time to adjust for both of us.  It will take time to make sure that he fits in, that he likes it.  It will take time to see if the concessions I made on curriculum are made up for by the friendly teachers and convenience.  It will take time to get used to the new morning/evening routine, packing lunches, and getting out of bed earlier.

The scary part is knowing that I have to start this process all over again in a few short months to figure out where the kid is going to go for kindergarten.  Unless we are able to move before then, we may be looking at private school which is a whole other world of scary!

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