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Tag: life

2015 Is Here

We are four days into the new year, and today, more than ever I am reminded of how quickly the time passes by. Last night I had on my comfy, well-worn Garth Brooks hoodie. The one I bought at the concert we attended here in KC years ago…in 2007. I only know it was 2007 because the year is front and center on the hoodie, along with the words “Kansas City” and “I was there!”

As I got myself ready for bed last night, I stared at that ’07 in the mirror, somewhat in disbelief that so many years have passed since that night. The details came flooding back in an instant. The frustration that my babysitter backed out on me at the last minute, relief in finding a friend that was willing to watch Zach when our original plans fell through. I remember singing all of the old familiar songs, side by side with my sister, just as we had done when we were younger. I remember feeling Evie move in my tummy for the first time that night, as I felt the beat of the music vibrate under my feet. I remember the lights, the joy in finally seeing an artist I had admired for so long right in front of me.

How could it be that that night happened over seven years ago? As hard as it is to believe, I know it is true, because that little baby wiggling in my tummy that night is now nearly seven years old. So much time has passed, yet it feels like only yesterday.

Those few moments I spent reminiscing sent me into a spiral of deep thoughts (I’m not sure when the last time I actually had a deep though was, so it needs to be recorded somewhere). I suppose it is the time of year when everyone, voluntarily or not, does a bit of evaluation on their life. A “What have I done in the last year?” kind of thing. For me, because I was suddenly rushed back to 2007, I started thinking, “What have I done in the last 7 years that really mattered?” And, well, the list was much shorter than I would have liked for it to be. There are so many things I wish I would have done, missed opportunities to do good in the world that I passed up or just completely missed because I was too busy living in my own little world.

I’m reading a book called “Love Does” by Bob Goff, which has me thinking a lot about why I say yes or no when the opportunity to do something good comes up. The easy answer is no. It takes little effort. It allows for selfishness and laziness, which are two things I struggle with all the time. But why not say “yes” and see where it leads? Why not give a little more of myself to do good for others? What good can any of us do without action? After all, Love Does.

In 2015 there are so many things I want to do – personal goals, fitness, business, parenting, financial. More than I can possibly accomplish in a year when I add in all of the other responsibilities that stand before my “wants”. I have a list that could go on for miles, but the reality of time is that very little of it will actually happen. When 2015 comes to a close, what I want the most is to be able to say that I added something good to the world, that I did something that made a difference in someone else’s life and changed it for the better. I want to know that I did at least a tiny little thing to make the world a better place.

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Welcome, 2013!

My snow bunnies!

So it is a brand new year. 2012 was wonderful in many ways, but also, one of the most difficult of my life. Caleb joined our family early in the year and threw a bit of a wrench into our routines (and our bank account). I pretty much feel like I’ve been running non-stop since February. We all adore him, it has just been…busy.

2013 will bring a lot of changes to our household. For starters, my full-time job will become part-time next month. It is scary, as my pay will also decrease accordingly, but I’m also looking forward to being home with the kids more. I plan to focus more on my photography and work on building up my portrait business. If I can’t make it work in the next few months, I’ll be seeking a new full-time job, but I really want to give it a shot and see where I can get. In the meantime, if anyone has any odd jobs they need done (that they want to pay me for), let me know!

Fortunately, Hubby’s job is still in tact and going well. He’s busier than he would like to be, but the overtime pay will help us out a little. Our church band, that he has been playing in for the last 3 years or so, pretty much dissolved over the last few months, so he has some free time anyway. If anyone needs a bass guitar player, he’s looking for someone to play with.

Zach was tested for and accepted into his school district’s gifted enrichment program last semester. He gets to start the program next week and is super excited about it. He’ll be sent to another building one day a week and will get to participate in some really fun learning activities there. I am just praying that the extra challenge will excite him and not frustrate him. They also roped me into signing up for the school’s PTSA, so I now have another obligation to fulfill.

Evie is loving preschool and can not wait to start Kindergarten next year. She has been a big challenge parenting-wise this last year and I’m really hoping that she will benefit from being home in the afternoons when my job goes part-time. She’ll be going to preschool in the mornings and then will be home with me in the afternoons. Hopefully, having some quiet time with mom while Caleb naps will give her a bit of what she’s been missing. Being the middle child is hard. With a demanding baby brother always needing my attention, and a big brother who often needs help with homework, she tends to get left out.

Caleb is growing so fast and becoming more independent. He is a very determined child and wants to be free to roam all over the house. Unfortunately, that doesn’t work out so well when he wants to put every tiny thing he sees into his mouth. He is so very close to taking his first steps, and I’m hoping once he starts walking that all of the tiny pieces of fuzz on the carpet won’t be so enticing. While I am a little sad to see him growing up so fast, I’m also looking forward to being out of the baby stages. I really can’t wait for toddlerhood this time around. Assuming he will finally start sleeping through the night again, this next year with him is going to be so much fun.

I’m both excited and a little nervous about all the changes coming for our family. I’ve never really been one to make (or stick to) resolutions, but I do have a few goals for this year that I would like to see through. First, and foremost, I plan to get Caleb sleeping through the night again (preferably in his own bed). If I can make that happen, I feel like everything else will fall into place. It is amazing what a full night’s sleep can do for your motivation! I also want to start running again (which can happen once Caleb starts sleeping), and get my house cleaned out and in order (so. much. junk. taking. over.).

Besides the personal goals, I have some big-time goals with my photography business. I’m kind of at a place where I feel like it is now or never. I need to push myself out of my comfort zone and really give it a go. If I fail, then it is time to move on.

Bring it, 2013!

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Would you like some cheese with that?

This is my third re-write of this post because no matter how I put the words down, it just feels like I’m whining. I guess I kind of am, but I just have to get it out somewhere, you know?

I’m so tired, you guys. The baby isn’t sleeping well. The 4-year-old isn’t sleeping well. Certain other members of my household are constantly on edge. I wake up in the morning just as tired as I was when I went to bed the night before. I am pretty much walking around in a constant state of exhaustion.

I can’t get anything done at home because when I actually have a few minutes of free time? That’s when the baby wants to nurse or be held and I can’t deny him that. I get so little time with him as it is. The house is a mess. My checkbook is a mess. There is laundry everywhere that needs to be either folded or put away. I have to-do lists a mile long and yet I can’t seem to get anything crossed off.

On top of that, Caleb and I have both had a cold for the last couple weeks that just will not go away. I know that is contributing to my sluggish state, but I’m too stubborn (and cheap) to actually go to the doctor.

I have slipped back into my full-on Diet Coke addiction because if I’m not constantly pumping caffeine into my body I just can’t stay awake. I know it is horrible for me, but I don’t do coffee and when I drink tea I want to pump it full of sugar. I get enough sugar from my chocolate stash that I also use to keep myself awake. I can feel myself dragging and know this won’t fix it, but it is my go-to when there isn’t time to take care of my body the right way.

I keep telling myself that this time will pass. It will get better. When he’s older it will be easier. The first year with every baby has been hard. This one just happens to be the hardest, because I also have two other kids that depend on me. Everybody needs Mom – all at the same time – and there isn’t enough of me to go around.

Mostly, I just feel like I’m letting everybody down – including myself. I can’t be everything. I can’t do everything. I want to be the perfect mom, the perfect wife, the perfect employee, the perfect photographer, the perfect everything, but right now I feel like I’m hitting the bottom of the scale in all areas.

 

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Writing about not writing…or something

via Instagram http://instagr.am/p/NO139Ck-Re/

You know what I miss? The good old days of blogging before my life was crazy and chaotic. I’d sit down either in the evening or the beginning of the day and just write. It didn’t have to be anything important – just a few sentences here and there about what was on my mind. I didn’t know or care about page views or SEO. I had a handful of friends that read and commented and it didn’t matter because it was fun. I posted about the most mundane things that now I would only post on twitter or facebook.

These days I feel like most of what I have to say isn’t worthy of a blog post. There is no way I have the time to sit and type out my thoughts when I can barely even find the time to think them in the first place. So instead, I post a quick thought on Facebook (or Twitter if I’m really feeling the need for interaction). Most of those posts only go up because I have my iphone handy. My laptop sits dusty on the shelf at home. It was once my constant companion. Now it gets cracked open maybe once a week or so, sometimes less often than that.

Many of my old blog friends have stopped writing too. Their blogs sit stagnant. I miss their words. I miss the connections. I miss the conversations. I keep up with a few of them on facebook. I watch as their lives change, their babies grow older, and updates become fewer. I miss these friends, who were there for me when I shared the news of my first pregnancy, when I was going through difficult times, when I wanted to celebrate, when I “came out” and made my blog public. They were my community, my support, when I felt like I had no one else to turn to.

Times change. Lives change. I sit and look at my family, my three kids – when at one time I wasn’t sure I would be able to have children. The story of my life belongs in a completely different book now. My world revolves around those three amazing little people. I snap photos because I want to remember every second, every little smile, every giggle, but there is no time to write. I wish I could write it all down to read when I am older and my mind is losing the details, but life is moving too fast right now. I’m too busy living it.

This isn’t meant to be a good-bye post. I’m not closing up shop. Just something that has been on my mind the last few days.

(Since I’m not writing, I have added my Instagram feed to the blog to fill in some gaps. If it gets annoying to the few of you who are still reading, let me know.)

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Catching Up

Feeling a bit scatter-brained this week, but I’m trying to do better at updating things so here are a bunch of random updates to fill you in.

  • In pregnancy news, I’m now 14 weeks and into the second trimester. I’m feeling much, much better when it comes to the queasy, nauseated mess that I was a few weeks ago. However, I’m still ridiculously tired the majority of the time. I have managed to force myself out of my comfy chair and gotten a few things accomplished around the house. I would feel better about that if there weren’t so much more that needed to be done. I’m at least getting the laundry washed. It just may not be folded and put away.
  • Things seem to be going really well for Zach at school this year. There have been a couple of complaints, but they have been minimal. I mean, what kid wants to do homework? I think it has made a big difference this year that we were better prepared and had supports in place for his sensory issues from the beginning. We’re currently exploring what other services may be available for him during the school day, but there is a chance he won’t qualify for anything. Apparently in Missouri, SPD does not qualify him for services as a primary diagnosis.
  • Both Zach and Evie are signed up for Tumbling classes at the Y this year. I was really hoping to put them in dance, but we are really trying to watch costs right now and it was just a bit more than we wanted to spend. The tumbling classes go for two months at a time (and are much cheaper), so they can try it out and it isn’t a huge loss if they decide to drop it. The first session is Monday night and they are both really excited about it. The best part is that they are in the same class and they are excited about getting to do it together.
  • Zach also is wanting to join Boy Scouts (Tiger Cubs) this year. They are having a meeting about it tonight and he asked me if he could go so I guess we are going to. Honestly, I’m glad he is interested in it but I’m a little hesitant about the time commitment. Our evenings are so jam-packed already during the week, but I know it will be a good experience for him. I’m also hoping that maybe he will build some closer friendships with kids in his school.
  • I’m really getting excited for our annual Labor Day weekend trip to the lake, but praying my sister-in-law doesn’t go into labor while we’re gone. She’s about two weeks out from her scheduled c-section date, but could go into labor at any time. I would really like for her to hold off until I’m back in town to greet my new little nephew!
  • Exciting things are happening for our little church that we’ve been a part of the last couple years.  As a new church start, we’ve been meeting in various locations but we have finally purchased and are moving into our own building this week. It will be a huge deal for us to have our own space in a permanent location. In preparation for our Grand Opening at the new building on September 25th, I’ve been working on overhauling our web site. Finding time to work on it has a been a challenge, but it is going to look great when it is finally done. The church’s band (which hubby plays Bass in) is also going to be playing a show at Zona Rosa on the 10th, which we’re hoping will pull in a few new people. It will be his first time playing in front of people (other than at church) and he’s really excited about it.
  • My calendar is starting to fill up with Fall photo sessions and I’m getting really excited to get out and shoot! Between early pregnancy sickness and the incredible heat we’ve been going through this summer, I haven’t felt like doing much of anything. Now that it is finally starting to cool down (at least a little bit) and I’m feeling better, I’m ready to get my finger clicking again!
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All Around the Mulberry Bush

Seeing as it has been nearly a month since I wrote anything here, I suppose it is time to get my fingers back to the keyboard and share some earth-shattering news. Except, I don’t have any. Well, nothing earth-shattering anyway. I’ve been busy and just generally overwhelmed with life these last few weeks, which seems to happen often. One of these days I swear I’m going to get my act together.

First off, I am a bad, bad, mommy blogger. I let my beautiful baby girl’s 3rd birthday go by without so much as a mention on my blog. I’ve wanted to post something about it, but just haven’t had the time or the words to do so. She had an excellent birthday, with a super fun Dora Fairytale Adventure birthday party. This was the first year she got to invite friends to her party (we’ve done family only parties before). A friend of mine who is starting up a party planning business helped plan it, and it was much better than my standard at-home birthday parties. The birthday girl certainly enjoyed it!

78/365 - Just after blowing out the candles

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Behind the scenes, I’ve been working on getting my photography business set up. I’m definitely not a pro yet, but I’m taking some little steps to make things legal. I filed my d.b.a. a few months ago, and just last week set up a separate business checking account so that I can track my income/expenses. I’m also working on some marketing/branding stuff so that when I’m ready it will just be a matter of sending it off to the printer. I still have a few more things to do to feel like I’m official, but I am legal enough to be in business at this point. I’m just nervous about making that jump. I absolutely love photography, but I know I still have a lot to learn. I’m hoping to get a few more (non-family member) sessions in over the next couple of months. I’ve pretty much exhausted my kids and my niece/nephews with all of the photo taking. Here’s one of my favorites that I took of my niece a few weeks ago.

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I still see imperfections in every photo I take, so I know I need more practice. However, I also know I love nearly every portrait ever taken of my kids – perfect or not – so maybe I can make it fly. I’m a little stuck in the “I need more practice to take better photographs, but I need better photographs to get people to want to hire me so I can get more practice” conundrum. Or maybe I just need more friends willing to loan me their kids.

IMG_6418-bw

On top of all that, I’m still stressing out about summer day care for Zach. I pretty much just stopped looking because I needed to just stop and breathe for a while. Sadly, ignoring it is not making it go away. The end of May is coming up very quickly.

Oh, and then there’s the really fun thing that happened on Friday – my car blew up! Well, it may have actually been easier if it did blow up, but it is broken (again) and undriveable until we get it fixed. I’m ready to trade it in, which we most likely will do, but not so ready to have to make car payments again. In the meantime, I’m driving hubby’s car, which we just had to put new tires on and he thinks needs a new starter. It works most of the time, but every once in a while just decides it doesn’t want to go. Kind of makes me wish we lived in a city where cars were not a necessity.

There are so many other things, but not enough time in the world to write it all out. My lunch hour just does not last long enough.

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