Anyone who knows me knows that I simply adore my kids. They are my life. Nearly everything I do in some way, shape, or form is for them. Even when I’m not with them, they are always on my mind. I love them. I love being their mom.
Being able to carry, nurture, and birth a baby is a privilege and a true gift. It is an amazing experience. I loved being pregnant both times (at least up until the last few weeks). Seeing my newborn babies for the first time are moments that I will never forget. I love holding them, feeding them, caring for them. Heck, I don’t even mind changing diapers that much.
Nighttime feedings, nightmares, monsters, and middle of the night water requests (followed by trips to the potty) aren’t that bad in the big scheme of things. Tantrums, stomach aches, and band-aid obsessions all pass in time.
Story time, rolling on the floor, racing cars, splashing in the tub, and hugs and kisses while snuggled on the couch will all be fond memories in a few years when they are too grown up to do those things with Mommy.
But, while I’m spending all this time loving on my kids and being Mommy, I’m missing being me.
Before I became a Mommy there was so much more to me. I was learning to play guitar and aspired to be part of an actual band some day. I read books and magazines (and actually finished them). I could take part in an intellectual conversation and know what I was talking about. I spent hours learning about web design and hand coding web sites. I listened to adult music. I wrote both online and offline about things other than children. I went to rock concerts regularly. I slept for more than 3 hours at a time. I cooked meals that required more than throwing some chicken nuggets on a pan and putting them in the oven. I spent hours snuggled on the couch watching movies with my Hubby. I actually got to eat an entire meal while it was still hot.
These days there is no time for those things. I spend my weekdays at my job, where my time belongs to my boss. Then I go home where my time belongs to my kids. I’m completely exhausted by the time the kids get to bed. Hubby complains because there is no time for him. I complain because there is no time for me.
There is something to be said for the old tradition of the man bringing home the bacon and the woman staying home to raise the kids. I feel like I would have so much more control of my life if I could have those extra 9 hours of the day at home. I could have the time I need to play with my kids and not feel guilty when I needed to put them to bed at 8:00 so I could have some me time. I could keep the house picked up so it wasn’t a mad rush on the weekend to get laundry done and find the floor underneath all those toys. I might even have a little time to myself during nap time. I know there would be other difficulties that come along with it, but it sure looks good from where I stand right now.
I know I make it sound bad, but the truth is I began this post because I wanted to talk about how much better things have gotten recently. Somehow it turned into a big stress dump instead. But things really are getting better. For the last 13 months, my body has belonged to someone else. My brain has been zapped from pregnancy and then lack of sleep. But now Evie is becoming slightly more independent. She still owns my boobs, but the rest of my body is slowly coming back to me. She doesn’t have to be held all the time. She can play alone for a few minutes in the exersaucer or roll around with her toys in the floor. She goes to sleep easily by 8:00 every night and if I can actually get Zachary to bed I do have a couple of hours of me time. I’ve actually had time to do some sewing and work on some blog designs. I feel little bits and pieces of the old me coming back and it feels good. I can even laugh instead of getting angry when I tell Zach to go to bed and he says, “But I just went to bed last month!” It still isn’t easy, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
I guess like any job, this Mommy thing includes both good and bad. Fortunately, the pros of being Mommy greatly outweigh the cons.
I know how you feel, I love motherhood but you do lose yourself along the way. It seems there are days that everyone wants a piece of me and that I end up with nothing left at the end of the day. But one look at my adorable 2 1/2 year old helps me remember it was so worth it!
I hear you completely. I’m at home but alas, I work from home so I find I’m constantly juggling work, housework, kids, and in the process I am the one who gets dropped. I have to really work hard at making time for me to just be ME and not Sherry The Freelancer or Sherry The Maid, or even Mom.
It makes me wonder what sort of feelings my mother had.
I stumbled here via that “more from blogher” below the ads.
Love your honesty and can so relate to your feelings. I don’t work outside the home, but really respect those that do for all the reasons you speak of.
I don’t know that any of us can master the balance. Of being mom. And being ourselves too. It just is a really hard thing.
You do feel guilty if you say anything negative, but you’re right, there are pros and cons to everything. And it’s quite clear how heavily you lean toward focusing on the pros. The way you speak of your love for your kids is inspiring!
Happy to have found you!
@Dana B – Yes, those little faces definitely make it worth it!
@Sherry – It is definitely hard to juggle-whether you are at home or not. I find myself staying up way later than I should at night just so I can have a few minutes to myself. I know my mother had a lot of the same feeling I have because we have discussed it. It also makes me realize why she did some of the things she did when I was growing up!
@Heather – Yes, it is easy to feel guilty for talking about the negative parts of motherhood. The trick is not to dwell on it for too long.
So glad you stopped by!
I think you must have jumped into my brain and typed out the contents of it because this blog is EXACTLY how I feel. Mommyhood is the greatest thing in the world – but it’s a hard balancing act with everything else. Thank you for putting that so eloquently into words and know that you are not alone in your thinking. Amen!
@Tami – This is why I love blogging-the reassurance that I’m not the only one feeling this way!