Searching

I’m not sure where to begin, or even what I really want to say. I simply know that it is time for a massive brain dump and this has always been my place to do just that. So here I am. I’m pretty sure no one but my mom reads this any more anyway.

Life is strange right now. Everything feels uncertain and it has been a long time since I’ve been in this place. I got comfortable in my routine and now my routine has an expiration date. At the end of the year, barring some magical twist of fate, my job that I have had for the last 12 years is ending. I’ve had some time for this to sink in and yet I still don’t really know how to feel about it. In a way I’m excited about the idea of a new opportunity, of stretching myself and doing more. I’m also terrified of having to start over, meet new people, and learn new rules and routines.

Most of all, my heart aches and tears fill my eyes when I think about going back to work full time, rushing through the evenings, and only really seeing my kids on the weekends. The last 10 months or so of working part time (and working half of those hours at home) has been amazing and the thought of giving that up just crushes me. My house may still be a mess and we don’t always get to do the things we want to because we can’t afford them, but I get to spend time with my kids. I get to pick them up every day after school, help them with homework, eat dinner at a decent time so they can still get their baths in and have a little free time before I tuck them into bed. I get to work at home two days a week and hang out with Caleb. We get to sit and snuggle for a few minutes on those mornings, after dropping the big kids off at school, before I fire up my laptop and start in on my work. Time alone with him is so rare. Even though I may get frustrated at times, I cherish those days that I get to have with him. I really don’t want to give that up.

So I’ve been job searching. The last time I really had to do this was straight out of college. In 1999. It’s been a few years. Well, I guess that’s not really true. I applied for a bunch of stuff in 2001 and didn’t get so much as an interview, then my current job fell in my lap. The only problem is, I don’t really want to continue doing what I’m doing, yet I don’t meet the qualifications to do anything else that pays enough to support my family. I don’t have the time or money to go back to school to qualify for the jobs I am interested in. As much as I wish it was, my photography business is not to a place where I could even consider going full time with it yet. The only thing I really want to do is not financially feasible in any way. So I put in application after application, send out resumes left and right and just hope for the right call.

I know in the end that everything will be fine. We’ll get through this one way or another and life will go on. Chances are, something amazing will come along and knock the wind out of me with how perfect it is. I’m certain that there is a better plan for my life. I just wish I could know how it is going to turn out now so I can stop worrying. In the meantime, I’m putting on a brave face, dealing with it the best I know how, and getting in as many baby snuggles as I can.