life is what you make it
Category: Life
2 kids, 2 dogs, 2 cats, and 1 husband – life isn’t perfect, but it is what we make it
Tonight my heart is broken. It is broken for Maddie and for Thalon. It is broken for their parents, siblings, families, friends, and everyone who knew and loved these two amazing kids. This just isn’t supposed to happen.
I cried when I read about Maddie on Twitter. It’s a nightmare, my nightmare, the worst thing I can ever imagine. No one should ever lose a child. It’s more pain than anyone should ever have to bear.
I know these things happen every day, but it isn’t every day that I read about it. It isn’t every day that I read a first-hand account of the worst thing that I can possibly imagine. That’s the amazing thing about the blogging community. Somehow it makes it all more real. I guess that’s why it hurt even more to read about Thalon today. The tears started rolling and I had an uncontrollable urge to hug my daughter tight. She’s only a few months younger than Maddie and a little less than a year older than Thalon. The reality that I could wake up someday and not have her here was just too much.
I see reports of children dying on the news, either because they are sick or some horrible tragedy happens and even though it saddens me, it has never quite hit home like the tragedies that happened this week. It hurts so bad. It makes me question so many things – like why my life is so good and why my children are so perfectly healthy. It makes me question why I take these things for granted so often.
Tonight I’m hugging my kids extra tight, kissing them, and making sure they know just how much I love them and just how grateful I am to have them in my life. If ever tomorrow doesn’t come – for me or for them – I want to make sure they know that they are my world and I would never be the same without them.
My heart is forever changed. It may not be completely broken, but it will never be the same again. It hurts for every parent who has ever lost a child…and I know there are many. They are all in my thoughts and prayers tonight.
The online community has truly amazed me over the last few days. You can’t go on Twitter without seeing the hashtags for #maddie and #thalon. These babies, these families are so loved. So many have donated to March of Dimes, donated to help cover medical and funeral expenses, donated their time and energy to help in whatever way they can. Even though I sit over here in my own little corner of the web most days, I’m proud to be part of a community that cares so much about each other. It gives me a little hope in a world filled with sadness.
There is nothing that can take away the grief that these families are surely feeling, but if you want to help relieve some of the financial burdens that these families are facing, please follow the links below and donate what you can.
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Ever since Evie was born, Zach has kind of gotten the shaft on this here blog. It certainly doesn’t mean that I love him any less. It is simply because Evie is developing so fast and she seems to be doing something new nearly every day. And, since I documented Zach’s early days I find myself trying to keep up with that precedent that I set for myself.
In the meantime, I’ve missed blogging a lot of fun things Zach has been doing over the last year. He is definitely a struggle most days, as I’ve documented, but the kid is also absolutely hilarious. He constantly surprises me with the things that come out of his mouth. He has an incredible imagination. There are times that I wish I had a voice recorder to just follow him around with so I could remember all of his stories.
This morning on the way to work he told me he wanted to have a pizza party. When I asked him what kind of pizza party he wanted he explained, “Mommy, I want to have a pizza party on the grass at our house with everybody on Earth. We can all eat around the house and I’ll be in front. I’ll be in front of the house.” He’s been very interested in this concept of “Earth” lately and I’m not exactly sure he understands the enormity of it all. He went on to explain more about his pizza party, but I can’t remember the details now.
That is nowhere near as outlandish as some of his ideas. It makes me wonder where his imagination will take him someday and what amazing things he will accomplish in his life. He is such an amazing kid and I really hate to think about how much time I spend having to fuss at him to do this or do that when all he wants to do is tell me another story about Mater flying through the air to save Buzz Lightyear.
I know he’ll understand someday when he has kids of his own (he says he would like to have four, by the way) that life isn’t all about play. But I hope even more that when he’s an adult he’s lucky enough to have a job where he gets to use his imagination and play every day. Because really, isn’t that what we all want?
Comments closedLast night I had the pleasure of hanging out with two dear friends, one of which I’ve been friends with for about 18 years now. She has known me and my family for more than half of my life. It’s a little crazy to think about in those terms. We’ve been through so much together – from the angsty teenage years, through college, and now this new grown-up world that we seem to be a part of.
She was in town last night after attending a family funeral so we met up for drinks before she had to head back home today. As always, it was amazing how fast the time flew by. I had only planned on staying for an hour or two and then getting myself home and to bed. I looked at the clock on my phone a little after 10:00 and the next thing I knew it was last call and after midnight.
Through the course of our conversation last night, we rehashed lots of old memories. As I said, we’ve been through a lot together – including times when we barely spoke. At one point she brought up something that I can now barely remember. It was during the time that I was going through a separation and divorce from my ex and was having a lot of emotional issues. What I didn’t remember was that she was there. That really bothers me.
I didn’t remember that she was there. I didn’t remember her being there to help me load up my things and move out of my apartment. I remember it was snowing that day. I remember my Mom and Dad being there. I remember cleaning the carpet. That’s it. That’s all I can remember of a day that was pretty monumental in my life.
When I really strain I have a very faint memory of her being there to help but if she hadn’t told me I wouldn’t have remembered at all. I blocked a lot of things out back then. I blocked out emotions to the point where I just didn’t feel anything at all. It took me a long time before I allowed myself to feel again. I guess I just didn’t realize how much of the other memories I was blocking out as well.
It is kind of a scary thing, knowing that your mind can work that way. I mean people forget things all the time, but this was more like a mental block because when I really focused and tried to remember it was there. I just needed a little help to find it.
What really has my mind spinning today though is that she was there. She has always been there for me. Through all of the bad and all of the good she has always been there. She stood by me even when I wasn’t there for her because I was too busy dealing with my own crazy life. And even though I have always known this it really struck me last night for some reason.
She is the best friend a person could ask for and it has taken me 18 years to truly recognize that.
Comments closedWhat do you do with a child when you’ve tried everything you can think of and they still misbehave? We’ve been having a horrible time with Zach lately and nothing I do seems to help. He always seems to be testing to see just how far we’ll let him go and then pushes a little farther.
The hard part is that he can go from an angelic child, laughing and playing one second to a smart-mouthed little monster the next. He’s generally fine until we ask him to do something or tell him “no” for some reason. Then we hit total meltdown mode.
We’ve tried just gently talking to him, time outs, grounding him from TV, taking toys away, and even spanking (which I hate to do) and nothing seems to work. I just don’t know what to do with him anymore.
Every little task is a struggle. Something as simple as asking him to take a bath or brush his teeth is a major struggle. Getting him to go to bed can take anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour, sometimes more. Even just getting him out of the car to go to daycare in the mornings becomes a fight. I hate it. I end up having to leave with him crying and it breaks my heart.
Last weekend during Evie’s birthday party he started screaming and throwing a tantrum while we sang Happy Birthday to his sister because we started before he was ready. I’m sure here was some jealousy going on, but it is always like that. Eveything always has to be his way.
He’s 3 years old and wants to control everything. I know this. He’s pushing the boundaries and trying to figure out how the world works. But how do I teach him to have more respect for adults and not argue back? How do I teach him to follow directions without having a total meltdown? And how do I do all of this while keeping my sanity?
I need Supernanny!
Comments closedI always knew I wanted to have kids. It never really was an option for my life. I never considered the alternative. It was just something that I was going to do, one way or another. I was going to grow up, get married, and have kids.
I didn’t figure in the divorce, second marriage, PCOS, or the resulting fertility issues, but those were just bumps along the windy path that got me to where I am today – married with two amazing kids. Somehow, through all the twists and turns I eventually got to where I always intended to be.
I am a mother.
I spent my entire life preparing for this enormous job. As a little girl I spent hours changing my baby dolls’ diapers, feeding them bottles, rocking them, and doing all of the things that I thought mothers did.
Then, as soon as I was old enough, I started babysitting. I watched the neighborhood kids and my parents’ friends’ kids. I kept an eye on my brother after school. I got paid to do what I thought was the best job ever.
When my sister got pregnant I tried to learn as much as I could. After my nephew was born I watched her take care of him. I sat back and admired her parenting skills. I learned how to give a baby a bath and how to warm his a bottles. I held him and took care of him every single chance I got and dreamed of what it would be like to hold my very own child. I loved him as if he were my own.
Years later, when I finally became pregnant with Zach, I read everything I could get my hands on about pregnancy and babies. I bombarded my sister (who was also pregnant at the time) with millions of questions. I researched and studied. I learned everything I could have possibly learned in preparation for his arrival.
When the day finally came I thought I was prepared for anything, but as any mother will tell you, you can never be prepared for everything.
What I missed, even with all of my research, was the one thing that nobody can really tell you. It’s not that they don’t want to tell you. They just don’t want to scare you. After all, it isn’t the same for every woman. What they don’t tell you is just how easy it is to lose yourself once that baby is born.
From the day that child comes into your world, they become your focus. They consume every spare minute of your time and every ounce of energy. It seems like you are always feeding, changing diapers, or lulling them to sleep. Your arms are rarely free during those first few months. When they are you want to do nothing in those few precious child-free moments, except maybe pick your beautiful baby back up and watch his chest rise up and down while he sleeps. At least that’s the way it is for me.
That’s why it is so easy to lose yourself. Between the crazy schedules, the sleepless nights, and the all-consuming love you have for your child the old “you” tends to get forgotten. You would think that I would have learned the first time around. The truth is, I did remember. This time I was going to do it right. I was going to make sure and make time for myself. I was going to keep doing those things that keep me sane. I was going to stay connected to my husband. I was going to get out of the house more often.
You know what they say about the best of intentions, right?
Having two children only magnified the effects. I tried desperately to keep up with my hobbies. I made promises to people only to find that I just couldn’t keep them. My house was is in shambles. I paid bills late. I spent too much money because I couldn’t keep on top of my checkbook. I felt disconnected from my husband and my friends and still do. I gained weight after losing the extra baby weight and couldn’t even think about the effort it would take to lose it again. I nearly quit updating my blog.
My daughter turned one year old last week and I am finally starting to feel the fog lifting. Most days my head feels clearer. Most nights I actually get to sleep for at least 6 hours straight. I feel the desire to go out with my husband sans kids. I’m ready to start eating better, exercising, and get my old body back. I’m ready to rock out at a concert, to dig deep into some web site code, to dig out my sewing machine and start using up the fabric I bought well over a year ago, and to really learn how to use my camera. I also want to play with my kids, snuggle on the couch, and enjoy every moment of their childhood because I know it will be over entirely too fast.
But, I feel myself surfacing again and it feels good. I’m ready to be me again – an individual – not just a mom.
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