This is my third re-write of this post because no matter how I put the words down, it just feels like I’m whining. I guess I kind of am, but I just have to get it out somewhere, you know?
I’m so tired, you guys. The baby isn’t sleeping well. The 4-year-old isn’t sleeping well. Certain other members of my household are constantly on edge. I wake up in the morning just as tired as I was when I went to bed the night before. I am pretty much walking around in a constant state of exhaustion.
I can’t get anything done at home because when I actually have a few minutes of free time? That’s when the baby wants to nurse or be held and I can’t deny him that. I get so little time with him as it is. The house is a mess. My checkbook is a mess. There is laundry everywhere that needs to be either folded or put away. I have to-do lists a mile long and yet I can’t seem to get anything crossed off.
On top of that, Caleb and I have both had a cold for the last couple weeks that just will not go away. I know that is contributing to my sluggish state, but I’m too stubborn (and cheap) to actually go to the doctor.
I have slipped back into my full-on Diet Coke addiction because if I’m not constantly pumping caffeine into my body I just can’t stay awake. I know it is horrible for me, but I don’t do coffee and when I drink tea I want to pump it full of sugar. I get enough sugar from my chocolate stash that I also use to keep myself awake. I can feel myself dragging and know this won’t fix it, but it is my go-to when there isn’t time to take care of my body the right way.
I keep telling myself that this time will pass. It will get better. When he’s older it will be easier. The first year with every baby has been hard. This one just happens to be the hardest, because I also have two other kids that depend on me. Everybody needs Mom – all at the same time – and there isn’t enough of me to go around.
Mostly, I just feel like I’m letting everybody down – including myself. I can’t be everything. I can’t do everything. I want to be the perfect mom, the perfect wife, the perfect employee, the perfect photographer, the perfect everything, but right now I feel like I’m hitting the bottom of the scale in all areas.