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The End of an Era

(Before I get started, if you are reading this on my actual site, I apologize for the hideous look. I started playing with my template and then ran out of time to finish it…a few weeks ago. I’ll get around to it someday.)

Smoochies!

Caleb has officially weaned himself. It has been eight days since he last breastfed (though we’ve been down to only a bedtime feeding for a while). It became apparent a few weeks ago that he was no longer satisfied with simply snuggling and nursing. He wanted to take his milk and roam around the room, which didn’t work so well when his milk was attached to my boob. I’ve been fighting the gymnastics and biting for a while now, so in a way I’m glad that he has decided to make this break. He will still occasionally tug on my shirt, but if I ask if he would like a cup, he’ll run to the kitchen and happily take a sippy cup with milk or water in it.

I have mixed feelings about all of this. On one hand, I’ve been ready to move on and have my body to myself again, but on the other, I already miss the snuggling and bonding, and the ability to instantly comfort him simply by lifting my shirt. And then there is the whole part of me that keeps saying, but he’s my BABYYYYYYYY! Not only that, but he’s my last baby. I’ll never get to experience that kind of bonding again. I know not everyone has a good experience with breastfeeding, but for me it was just absolutely lovely (not to say that I didn’t have some struggles, but overall it was good). I loved that I could provide for my children in that way and I am a little sad that it has come to an end. I spent over three years of my life (39 months total) nursing my babies – Caleb being the longest at 17 months. They each weaned themselves when they were ready. It just seems hard to believe that that part of my life is now done.

Caleb is a full-on walking, talking, opinionated toddler. Evie starts kindergarten in a couple of weeks, and Zach already has the attitude of a pre-teen at only eight years old. My babies are growing up, and while there are benefits to this (they are finally starting to do some chores!), right now I’m a little nostalgic for those baby years. I truly have no desire to have another baby. Our family is 100% complete as it is, but I’m still a little sad that I’ll never have the experience of holding my own newborn baby again. I’ll just have to find someone else’s baby to hold now and then.

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Caleb – 16 Months

16 Months!

Dear Caleb,

My dear, sweet, loving, cuddly, little miracle surprise baby, I love you with all my heart. I’ll admit that when I found out I was pregnant with you I was scared. I wasn’t sure how I would manage to keep up with another baby, but I fell in love with you and all of those worries went away. I honestly cannot imagine what our family would be without you in it any more. You truly do complete us. It melts my heart to see the way your big brother and sister adore you. I just can’t see it being any other way.

However, the last few months have been extremely challenging for all of us. You see, you started walking, and with that new found ability to move (fast!) you also gained a new sense of independence…and attitude. I’m really proud of all of the new advances you are making, I really am. I just need you to stop every once in a while and take a break from touching and climbing and jumping off of ALL THE THINGS! You are quite a force to be reckoned with these days and you are wearing this old mama out.

There really is no containing you any more, aside from strapping you in a car seat, which causes screams that bring the neighbors running to see what is wrong (not really, but I’m surprised they haven’t yet). You have already managed to climb over the side of your crib, have nearly gotten over the side of the pack ‘n’ play, have escaped your “baby jail”, and figured out how to open doors. This week you also managed to escape from the seat of a shopping cart (while strapped in – thankfully I turned back around at just the right second) and the stroller (while also strapped in). Oh, and also the high chair. When you are done eating you are outta there, one way or another. The only thing you have not managed to break and/or escape from (as long as it is properly closed) is the living room gate, but I’m sure that time is coming.

Once you have managed to escape from whatever latest contraption we were trying to contain you in, you are into E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G! I am not exaggerating. You seriously have to have someone 1-on-1 with you at all times to keep you from getting into things that you shouldn’t. Perhaps I have not baby proofed as well as I should have because I got a little relaxed with the other two being older, but pretty much if there is anything within your sight that you want, you will find a way to get to it. I have found you standing on top of tables, on top of the back of the sofa and chairs in the living room, and even standing on toys so you could reach just a little farther. There is no stopping you.

Your other favorite pastime seems to be annoying your older brother. One of your favorite things to do is to turn the TV off when he is mid-show, or even worse, in a crucial part of a video game. You also constantly grab his glasses from his face (and mine) which gets old really quick. He’ll let you slide a couple times, but after that he gets a little angry. You better watch out because paybacks are hell, and boy do you have it coming! It’s a good thing that he loves you so much, because there is no one else he would be so patient with.

And can we just talk about this sleep thing for a minute? It took me 13 months, yes THIRTEEN MONTHS, to finally get you sleeping through the night in your own bed. I swear the first morning I woke up and realized you were still asleep in your crib I heard a choir of angels singing above me. There were 8 weeks or so of you doing this pretty much every night, with a few exceptions while you were trying to cut those horrid molars, but hey, that’s understandable. Then came vacation. You actually did amazingly well while we were out of town, despite the crazy schedule, sporadic naps, and getting to bed late pretty much every night. You ended up in bed with mom and dad a couple of times, but it was a nice big king size bed and there was plenty of room. The trouble happened when we came home.

Once we arrived back home from our trip, you forgot how to sleep without me attached to you. In fact, you pretty much forgot how to do anything without me attached to you. I can barely put you down without you screaming (unless there is food visible and within your reach, anyway). Bedtime is horrible. You scream and scream and scream until I finally give in because I’m afraid you are going to scream your lungs up. Eventually, I can get you to sleep by nursing you (which we were nearly done with before vacation but you have now let me know in no uncertain terms that the boobies are still yours) and then put you down in your bed. Some nights that works and you sleep through most of the night before the screaming commences, but others it doesn’t. Those nights are the ones when you wake up just as I try to lay you down and I wonder what on Earth ever possessed me to want to have these little screaming things called children. Ugh, mommy is tired, honey. So, you’ve ended up back in my bed more times that you should have lately and the end seems to be nowhere in sight. Seriously, mommy is tired. Sixteen months of not sleeping (shy of those 8 precious, glorious, weeks) is just too many. I need to sleep and so do you.

I know you have a lot going on. You are growing like a weed – 34 inches (>98th percentile – off the dang growth charts!) tall, and nearly 25 pounds. Plus, you just cut your first 4 molars and 4 incisors all seemingly at once – a total of 16 teeth! Besides all of the walking, climbing, and exploring, you are trying really hard to learn how to talk. You have several words that you use, but you spend a lot of time right now pointing and making sounds that we are supposed to translate into words.  Your favorite word seems to be “daddy” as you go around saying it over and over and over again all day long. Sadly, when he tries to pay attention to you, you push him away. You can also say mommy, zach, evie, hi, hello, please, this, bopbop, yay-ya, something that sounds similar to caleb, and many other words that you repeat when you hear them. You also have started dancing whenever you hear music. I love that you are doing this and often turn music on just so I can watch you. It is the cutest thing. We used to have lots of dance parties in our house and I kind of miss them.

It may seem like I’m complaining a lot, but the truth is, I really just want to remember every little bit of your babyness. It is flying by so fast. I feel like I miss out on so many moments with you because I’m busy working, or busy with your brother and sister. I struggle to find the time to just sit and snuggle, which is why when you wrap your arms and legs around me and won’t let go as I’m trying to put you to bed I don’t struggle with you very long. We go right back to my chair and snuggle until you fall asleep in my arms. I know just how quickly these days will pass and you will no longer want to sit and snuggle with mom. You will be grown before I know it, though I hope you’ll still come back for a hug now and then. Until then, I’ll cherish ever minute of time with you I can get.

I love you so much, my little monkey!

Love,

Mama

p.s. Sorry for the lack of photos. You don’t hold still long enough for me to take them anymore!

 

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Caleb – 7 Months

Dear Caleb,

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They say that the last child is forgotten in photos, that their life as a child is not documented as the older children’s are. For you, this is certainly not true. Rarely does a day go by that I don’t snap a photo of you. I’m not sure whether to blame it on my increased love of photography or the fact that my iphone’s camera makes it so easy to pick up and snap those everyday moments, but I do know I treasure each and every photo.

Where I do feel I have failed you, my third (and last) child, is documenting your life in words. While I will never truly consider myself a writer, the most precious words I have ever written are those documenting the lives of my children. Sadly, I find it difficult to find the time to sit down and type the words out that I want to say so often. As you pass each new milestone, I try to reach back into my memory to compare you to when your brother and sister passed the same milestones and my memory fails me. To find my memories, I go back to the words I have written, and only then do I remember the details that are growing fuzzy. This is why I am so sad that I have not recorded the same memories for you.

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You are seven months old, quickly coming up on eight, and you are the happiest baby I have ever had the opportunity to know. You flash your beautiful smile around to everyone you meet and almost always receive a smile in return. It is so rare to see you unhappy, that when you cry I know something must really be wrong. The last couple of weeks have been a little rough as you have been working on cutting some teeth, and then got a nasty cold on top of that. The last couple of days have seen great improvement though, and your joyful personality has been shining back through.

Developmentally, you are right on track. I have to watch your hands as you will grab anything within your reach. You can sit up on your own now, which makes it much easier to play with all of the toys we still have around from when Zach and Evie were babies. You have the fastest army crawl I think I’ve ever seen and are on the verge of full-on crawling (as soon as you figure out how to not tip forward). I keep thinking you are going to take off on your knees any day, but you are taking your time. That’s okay though, you move fast enough as it is. I already have to remind myself that I can’t leave you sleeping on the bed when I take my showers anymore. I may have to invest in a pack ‘n’ play for every room of the house to keep you contained.

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You have started saying a few sounds that resemble words. The first clear repetitive sound was “da-da” (even though I’ll try to keep denying it). I’ve caught a “mama” a few times, and potentially an “ee-ee” here and there. Other sounds are still pretty random, but I have no doubt that you’ll be spouting off all kinds of stuff soon.

You have cut four teeth now, two on bottom and two on top. I’m glad they are coming in because you LOVE to eat. You seem to be quite bored with the mushy baby food though and would really like to eat what the rest of the family is eating most of the time. You love to feed yourself, so I’ve been trying to find soft veggies and fruits that you can pick up on your own. In the last week or so you’ve started fighting for the spoon too, but I’m not sure I’m quite ready for that mess yet!

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The one thing you are doing slower than your siblings is using a sippy cup. It isn’t that you can’t or don’t want to use the cup, its that you don’t seem to keep down any liquid other than milk so I’m not sure what to put in the cup. You are still breastfeeding like a champ, but I can barely seem to pump enough milk for your bottles at day care so there isn’t any extra to try in the cup. I’m hoping this issue resolves itself as your reflux lessens, but for now, water and/or juice are not really an option.

I think your absolute favorite time of day is bath time. You seem to know what is coming when I undress you and as soon as I start walking toward the bathroom you start squealing and laughing. Your brother and sister fight nearly every night over who gets to take a bath with you. I think they secretly just enjoy getting to have you all to themselves for a few minutes. You love to splash in the water and play with the bath toys. I think you also love the slippery surface. You flip yourself back and forth from back to tummy, no matter how many times I try to keep you from doing it. You have no fear of the water and love to put your head and/or hands under the stream when the tub is filling.

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As infectious as your smiles are, your laughter is even more so. You seem to have a great sense of humor already, and laugh often at the silliest things. You tease your daddy and giggle as you sit in his lap. Your brother and sister can crack you up in an instant. You absolutely love all of our animals and laugh as you put them through your very own brand of torture. (Fortunately, they don’t seem to mind losing clumps of fur too much.) My favorite though, is when I get you right on your best tickle spot – just under your neck, along the collar bone. It was a little tickle there that resulted in your first belly laugh, and I’ll never forget it.

My sweet baby, you are so surrounded by love. Your brother and sister absolutely adore you. Your cousins just cannot get enough of you. Your grandparents, aunts, and uncles love you so much. You have so many extended family members thinking of you, praying for you, and loving you from afar. As for your dad and I? Words can not possibly describe how much love we have for you. My hope is that you always feel that love as you grow and depend on it when things get hard and you need an extra little push in life.

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These letters to you may be few and far between. I may not be able to keep up with every milestone or every birthday. Even if I never write another one, I wanted to at least get this down, to remember this time in our fast-paced lives. I hope that somehow, somewhere, this letter survives and that you have the chance to read it someday. When you do read it, I want you to know what an unexpected blessing you are in our lives. I can’t imagine a world without you in it.

Love always,
Mama

 

 

 

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In A Blink

I keep finding myself thinking back to when Zach was a baby. Looking back now, it seems like life was so simple then. My world completely revolved around him. There were no other distractions. There was plenty of time to sit and cuddle and get totally lost in his sweet little baby face.

With Caleb being baby number three, I feel like I so rarely get that time to just sit and enjoy his babyness. I feel like I blinked my eyes and BOOM! He’s three months old already. He’s growing and changing so fast.

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The mommy guilt? Oh man, is it ever setting in. While I’m trying to savor every minute I can with Caleb, I feel like I’m totally ignoring the other two kids. I see the behaviors coming out and the begging for attention. It is impossible with the limited time we have together at home to give everyone all of the attention they need. The hardest part is when I am feeding the baby and cannot help the other two with what they are needing in that moment. Not to mention the husband who has been feeling totally neglected since the baby arrived.

On top of trying to juggle the new baby while sticking as close as possible to our normal routine, I’m trying to get my little photography business rolling again. Just as it was gaining momentum I had to take a break (due to being massively pregnant)…that turned into about 6 months. Winter would have been slow anyway, but not taking on clients for 6 months was kind of a killer.  What that time did give me though, was a lot of time to think through what I am doing and make some changes. I’m now getting a bit of a do-over, or fresh start, and hope to make things better this time around. (Speaking of which, have you seen my gorgeous new logo?) This all takes time though, so I find myself having to choose between the business I want to grow, my family, and sleep. Guess which one loses out?

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If you guessed sleep, you would be correct. Fortunately, once I do get to bed I can actually sleep. I just don’t get enough hours in. Caleb is still sleeping through the night, which is a true blessing. He usually snoozes off and on after about 8:00, zonks out completely around 10:00 or 11:00, and then sleeps solid until at least 6:00, sometimes later. Then he nurses and goes right back to sleep. I can deal with that. It does make it hard for me to get up though, because after that 6am nursing session I like to snuggle in bed with him instead of getting up and starting my day.

So, let’s get back to why I originally started this blog post and talk about how awesome my sweet baby Caleb is, shall we?

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Caleb turned 3 months old on Saturday and celebrated this amazing feat by rolling over for the first time. He had been working on it for several days with no success. Saturday night he was a little restless so I put him down in the floor on a blanket and sat down to play with him for a bit. He kept trying to twist his body and finally, after several attempts, he made it all the way over from his back to his tummy. After I helped get his arm out from underneath him, he was quite proud of himself and had a huge smile on his face. I cheered and even clapped for him until I realized that I could no longer leave him on the bed by himself.

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He has also discovered that he has hands and feet that he can control. He found his hands a while ago, but the feet are a pretty new discovery. Whenever he sits up in the Bumbo or another chair, he will stick his feet up in the air and stare as he wiggles them around.

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Over the last couple of days he has also discovered that he has a thumb that moves independently from the rest of his hand. And that he can stick said thumb in his mouth and suck on it. He has taken a pacifier from day one, but suddenly he is spitting it out in favor of the thumb. I’ve never had a thumb sucker before and I’m not sure whether I want to try to stop it now or have to deal with breaking the habit later. He’s pretty intent on having it in his mouth right now. He has sucked that thumb so much today that the tip of it is bright red. I guess he had to throw something new at me though, seeing as he’s nearly perfect in every other way.

Yep, still at it! He likes the thumb.

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For the Love of Sleep

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It almost seems wrong to say anything, for fear that it will never happen again, but Sunday night Caleb slept for 8 1/2 hours straight without waking.

8 1/2 HOURS.

Now, I love sleep just as much as the rest of you, but I have to say that when my alarm woke me up instead of a baby waking me I went into panic mode. Okay, maybe not full on panic, but definitely a state of confusion. It took me a minute to figure out where the strange sound was coming from and even longer to figure out why the baby was still in the bassinet and not in bed with me.

Granted, I did not go to bed at the same time he did so I didn’t get the full 8 1/2 hours in, but I did manage to get at least six consecutive hours of sleep and it felt SO good.

When he did wake up, he was quite unhappy that his tummy was so empty but we quickly remedied that. If you’ve ever breastfed a baby, you know that 8 1/2 hours without feeding the baby or pumping is quite uncomfortable so I was more than happy to comply with his screaming demands.

I’m still a little in shock that he slept so long and keep thinking that it has to be some kind of fluke. My older two did not sleep through the night this early so I didn’t expect it at all. I could certainly get used it though!

Update! — He slept 9 1/2 hours last night and I feel amazing today! Keeping my fingers crossed that this is the new schedule!

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