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Author: dee

Change of Pace

Hard at work

As of today, I am officially one week into my new part-time schedule. This is going to take some adjustment time for sure. For now, I am working 3 hours in the office Monday through Friday, picking up the two younger kids, then working another 2.5-3 hours at home after that. It is a bit of an odd schedule, but works out the best as far as cutting day care costs down. This way, Evie is still able to go to preschool every day. She just comes home in the afternoon instead of staying and taking a nap at school.

The schedule, for me, feels a little chaotic. In time we will figure out a good routine, but for now it is a bit crazy. I leave work at 12:15, pick Evie up, pick Caleb up, then rush home to get Caleb down for a nap, scarf down my lunch, and get Evie settled in so that I can sit and work. The kids are doing pretty good with it, although Evie is pushing my buttons a bit. I think that will settle in time too, as she figures out what she will be able to get away with. The part I hate is that I have to wake Caleb up from his nap every day to go pick Zach up from school. It is so nice for Zach to be able to be home earlier and not have to go to the after school program though.

A little fresh air for everyone on this beautiful day!

I’m finding that there are good and bad things about the new schedule. I LOVE being home in the afternoons. I love that I can throw in a load of laundry mid-day and not be waiting up at midnight for a load of diapers to dry for the next day. I love that I can take my laptop outside and work while the kids play on a sunny day. I love that our evenings don’t feel so rushed. I am also responsible for dinner prep now (it has been hubby’s job for the last several years) which is both good and bad. I’m not a fan of cooking, but I do like that I can introduce a better variety of meals now.

There are things I miss about being at work full-time too. Primarily, the paycheck! I miss having my lunch hour to run errands. I miss getting to actually eat my lunch without sharing. I miss lunches with my mom, especially when I didn’t get to take her our for her birthday this week. I miss zoning out in my office with my music cranked up in my headphones while I work.

Quite content with our new afternoon schedule.

I am learning a few things too. I have to really schedule and prepare for the work I am taking home every day. Some things are easier to do from home than others. Also, my kids eat A LOT. I was not prepared for the amount of snacking that they seem to think they need to do. Evie, in particular, is constantly wanting something to eat. I don’t know if it is just because she is home and it is available, or if the girl has been starving at school all this time. Zach also comes home wanting food immediately. I would pack them bigger lunches, but then they just tell me they don’t have time to eat it all. So, snacks it is. I apparently need to do some stocking up.

It feels a bit challenging as we adjust to this change, but I really think it will be good for our family in so many ways. It still feels really weird to me to be home during the day, but in a good way.

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Welcome, 2013!

My snow bunnies!

So it is a brand new year. 2012 was wonderful in many ways, but also, one of the most difficult of my life. Caleb joined our family early in the year and threw a bit of a wrench into our routines (and our bank account). I pretty much feel like I’ve been running non-stop since February. We all adore him, it has just been…busy.

2013 will bring a lot of changes to our household. For starters, my full-time job will become part-time next month. It is scary, as my pay will also decrease accordingly, but I’m also looking forward to being home with the kids more. I plan to focus more on my photography and work on building up my portrait business. If I can’t make it work in the next few months, I’ll be seeking a new full-time job, but I really want to give it a shot and see where I can get. In the meantime, if anyone has any odd jobs they need done (that they want to pay me for), let me know!

Fortunately, Hubby’s job is still in tact and going well. He’s busier than he would like to be, but the overtime pay will help us out a little. Our church band, that he has been playing in for the last 3 years or so, pretty much dissolved over the last few months, so he has some free time anyway. If anyone needs a bass guitar player, he’s looking for someone to play with.

Zach was tested for and accepted into his school district’s gifted enrichment program last semester. He gets to start the program next week and is super excited about it. He’ll be sent to another building one day a week and will get to participate in some really fun learning activities there. I am just praying that the extra challenge will excite him and not frustrate him. They also roped me into signing up for the school’s PTSA, so I now have another obligation to fulfill.

Evie is loving preschool and can not wait to start Kindergarten next year. She has been a big challenge parenting-wise this last year and I’m really hoping that she will benefit from being home in the afternoons when my job goes part-time. She’ll be going to preschool in the mornings and then will be home with me in the afternoons. Hopefully, having some quiet time with mom while Caleb naps will give her a bit of what she’s been missing. Being the middle child is hard. With a demanding baby brother always needing my attention, and a big brother who often needs help with homework, she tends to get left out.

Caleb is growing so fast and becoming more independent. He is a very determined child and wants to be free to roam all over the house. Unfortunately, that doesn’t work out so well when he wants to put every tiny thing he sees into his mouth. He is so very close to taking his first steps, and I’m hoping once he starts walking that all of the tiny pieces of fuzz on the carpet won’t be so enticing. While I am a little sad to see him growing up so fast, I’m also looking forward to being out of the baby stages. I really can’t wait for toddlerhood this time around. Assuming he will finally start sleeping through the night again, this next year with him is going to be so much fun.

I’m both excited and a little nervous about all the changes coming for our family. I’ve never really been one to make (or stick to) resolutions, but I do have a few goals for this year that I would like to see through. First, and foremost, I plan to get Caleb sleeping through the night again (preferably in his own bed). If I can make that happen, I feel like everything else will fall into place. It is amazing what a full night’s sleep can do for your motivation! I also want to start running again (which can happen once Caleb starts sleeping), and get my house cleaned out and in order (so. much. junk. taking. over.).

Besides the personal goals, I have some big-time goals with my photography business. I’m kind of at a place where I feel like it is now or never. I need to push myself out of my comfort zone and really give it a go. If I fail, then it is time to move on.

Bring it, 2013!

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Processing Tragedy

I tend to be an optimist in most situations. I want to find the good in all things because I can’t believe that the world is entirely evil. I have to believe that there is good in the world. Sometimes, however, the good is hard to find.

I’m struggling to process the events last week at Sandy Hook Elementary. I cannot wrap my head around what things must have been in the mind of the shooter in order to do what he did. I don’t understand that kind of violence. I feel so much anger toward him. I’m angry that he killed so many innocent people. I’m angry that he murdered members of his own family. I’m angry that he took the easy way out and killed himself in the end. I’m angry that I no longer feel safe sending my own child to school, regardless of the probability of this happening in my own community.

I can’t keep myself from reading posts online, thinking about it, or watching the news stories. My eyes well up with tears. My heart aches when I think about the fear, not only of the children, but of the teachers who spend every day of their lives loving and protecting them. I imagine the feeling of helplessness when they realized there was nothing they could do to stop what was happening.

I imagine my own 7-year-old son, so oblivious to the truth of the violent world we live in. Just thinking about the fear he would feel in that situation paralyzes me. He knows what happened, at least the brief overview, but I don’t think he has connected it to his reality. He doesn’t realize that kids just like him got up that morning, griped about not wanting to go to school, said good-bye to their parents, walked through the school doors, and never came home again.

It is all just too much.

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Would you like some cheese with that?

This is my third re-write of this post because no matter how I put the words down, it just feels like I’m whining. I guess I kind of am, but I just have to get it out somewhere, you know?

I’m so tired, you guys. The baby isn’t sleeping well. The 4-year-old isn’t sleeping well. Certain other members of my household are constantly on edge. I wake up in the morning just as tired as I was when I went to bed the night before. I am pretty much walking around in a constant state of exhaustion.

I can’t get anything done at home because when I actually have a few minutes of free time? That’s when the baby wants to nurse or be held and I can’t deny him that. I get so little time with him as it is. The house is a mess. My checkbook is a mess. There is laundry everywhere that needs to be either folded or put away. I have to-do lists a mile long and yet I can’t seem to get anything crossed off.

On top of that, Caleb and I have both had a cold for the last couple weeks that just will not go away. I know that is contributing to my sluggish state, but I’m too stubborn (and cheap) to actually go to the doctor.

I have slipped back into my full-on Diet Coke addiction because if I’m not constantly pumping caffeine into my body I just can’t stay awake. I know it is horrible for me, but I don’t do coffee and when I drink tea I want to pump it full of sugar. I get enough sugar from my chocolate stash that I also use to keep myself awake. I can feel myself dragging and know this won’t fix it, but it is my go-to when there isn’t time to take care of my body the right way.

I keep telling myself that this time will pass. It will get better. When he’s older it will be easier. The first year with every baby has been hard. This one just happens to be the hardest, because I also have two other kids that depend on me. Everybody needs Mom – all at the same time – and there isn’t enough of me to go around.

Mostly, I just feel like I’m letting everybody down – including myself. I can’t be everything. I can’t do everything. I want to be the perfect mom, the perfect wife, the perfect employee, the perfect photographer, the perfect everything, but right now I feel like I’m hitting the bottom of the scale in all areas.

 

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Caleb – 7 Months

Dear Caleb,

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They say that the last child is forgotten in photos, that their life as a child is not documented as the older children’s are. For you, this is certainly not true. Rarely does a day go by that I don’t snap a photo of you. I’m not sure whether to blame it on my increased love of photography or the fact that my iphone’s camera makes it so easy to pick up and snap those everyday moments, but I do know I treasure each and every photo.

Where I do feel I have failed you, my third (and last) child, is documenting your life in words. While I will never truly consider myself a writer, the most precious words I have ever written are those documenting the lives of my children. Sadly, I find it difficult to find the time to sit down and type the words out that I want to say so often. As you pass each new milestone, I try to reach back into my memory to compare you to when your brother and sister passed the same milestones and my memory fails me. To find my memories, I go back to the words I have written, and only then do I remember the details that are growing fuzzy. This is why I am so sad that I have not recorded the same memories for you.

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You are seven months old, quickly coming up on eight, and you are the happiest baby I have ever had the opportunity to know. You flash your beautiful smile around to everyone you meet and almost always receive a smile in return. It is so rare to see you unhappy, that when you cry I know something must really be wrong. The last couple of weeks have been a little rough as you have been working on cutting some teeth, and then got a nasty cold on top of that. The last couple of days have seen great improvement though, and your joyful personality has been shining back through.

Developmentally, you are right on track. I have to watch your hands as you will grab anything within your reach. You can sit up on your own now, which makes it much easier to play with all of the toys we still have around from when Zach and Evie were babies. You have the fastest army crawl I think I’ve ever seen and are on the verge of full-on crawling (as soon as you figure out how to not tip forward). I keep thinking you are going to take off on your knees any day, but you are taking your time. That’s okay though, you move fast enough as it is. I already have to remind myself that I can’t leave you sleeping on the bed when I take my showers anymore. I may have to invest in a pack ‘n’ play for every room of the house to keep you contained.

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You have started saying a few sounds that resemble words. The first clear repetitive sound was “da-da” (even though I’ll try to keep denying it). I’ve caught a “mama” a few times, and potentially an “ee-ee” here and there. Other sounds are still pretty random, but I have no doubt that you’ll be spouting off all kinds of stuff soon.

You have cut four teeth now, two on bottom and two on top. I’m glad they are coming in because you LOVE to eat. You seem to be quite bored with the mushy baby food though and would really like to eat what the rest of the family is eating most of the time. You love to feed yourself, so I’ve been trying to find soft veggies and fruits that you can pick up on your own. In the last week or so you’ve started fighting for the spoon too, but I’m not sure I’m quite ready for that mess yet!

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The one thing you are doing slower than your siblings is using a sippy cup. It isn’t that you can’t or don’t want to use the cup, its that you don’t seem to keep down any liquid other than milk so I’m not sure what to put in the cup. You are still breastfeeding like a champ, but I can barely seem to pump enough milk for your bottles at day care so there isn’t any extra to try in the cup. I’m hoping this issue resolves itself as your reflux lessens, but for now, water and/or juice are not really an option.

I think your absolute favorite time of day is bath time. You seem to know what is coming when I undress you and as soon as I start walking toward the bathroom you start squealing and laughing. Your brother and sister fight nearly every night over who gets to take a bath with you. I think they secretly just enjoy getting to have you all to themselves for a few minutes. You love to splash in the water and play with the bath toys. I think you also love the slippery surface. You flip yourself back and forth from back to tummy, no matter how many times I try to keep you from doing it. You have no fear of the water and love to put your head and/or hands under the stream when the tub is filling.

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As infectious as your smiles are, your laughter is even more so. You seem to have a great sense of humor already, and laugh often at the silliest things. You tease your daddy and giggle as you sit in his lap. Your brother and sister can crack you up in an instant. You absolutely love all of our animals and laugh as you put them through your very own brand of torture. (Fortunately, they don’t seem to mind losing clumps of fur too much.) My favorite though, is when I get you right on your best tickle spot – just under your neck, along the collar bone. It was a little tickle there that resulted in your first belly laugh, and I’ll never forget it.

My sweet baby, you are so surrounded by love. Your brother and sister absolutely adore you. Your cousins just cannot get enough of you. Your grandparents, aunts, and uncles love you so much. You have so many extended family members thinking of you, praying for you, and loving you from afar. As for your dad and I? Words can not possibly describe how much love we have for you. My hope is that you always feel that love as you grow and depend on it when things get hard and you need an extra little push in life.

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These letters to you may be few and far between. I may not be able to keep up with every milestone or every birthday. Even if I never write another one, I wanted to at least get this down, to remember this time in our fast-paced lives. I hope that somehow, somewhere, this letter survives and that you have the chance to read it someday. When you do read it, I want you to know what an unexpected blessing you are in our lives. I can’t imagine a world without you in it.

Love always,
Mama

 

 

 

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